Why Recovery Is The Scariest Word I Know.

[wordsmithy]

Lately I’ve been very moved by posts stories of optimistic ill MH sufferers or tales of recovery from long term mental illness. Which in and of it itself isn’t a very interesting thing to write about, but given that I’m usually the epitome of pessimism and chronically suicidal, then it does stand out quite a bit in my everyday life.

I thought about recovery today. I wondered if I would actually want to recover, and then I realised that living is mildly easier to cope with (mentally) than having to follow through and actually kill yourself. True, I am living because I am too afraid to do it, and my life is less of a life and closer to a non-life. It’s become very habitual and I spend all my time finding the mundane to fill it.

But there’s a point I’m trying to make here. If somehow (waves a magic wand) I could get the life that would satisfy what I feel my life should feel like: full, purposeful and true to what I believe is true to my own personality, then I might, I just might hypothetically say that if for some reason I saw there was a point in living 70+ years, having someone to fall in love with, a job that I don’t think is terrible, then I would, I would live.

What I’m also saying is there is a bloody huge amount of doubt in me and this very, very strong feeling that all that stuff is just bollocks, that being disloyal to suicide (not following through) is essentially, plain wrong and pointless. Just saying I will never kill myself seems completely blasphemous. I wouldn’t say it and feel nervous about even talking about there being another option. I have spent the whole of my adult life, and a tiny bit more trapped in this prison of misery, disappointment. I’m used to what I know and I don’t want to come out of it into the completely open terrifying potentially horrible unknown.

“But look at my life now!”- I remind myself. I’m caught in-between that no man’s land of knowing that commit suicide is the most logical path for me and just not having the sheer guts it will take to commit this terrifying act. Life is not life. Then again, it is also could be true that, maybe life can be the only thing I can do right now.

So where next?

I imagine recovery to be something like bravely stepping into a dark room. What I mean by this is if you’re about to step into a room that’s pitch black, you don’t know what the hell could happen e.g. Stepping into a huge abyss in the floor, or stepping into a theatre naked, or I don’t know, stepping into a rotting place – whatever nightmare takes your fancy, pick one?

I see recovery as that big push you need, to blindly say yes, alright and they commit to whatever happens next.

Now, if that’s not the most terrifying thing (that you can do and not have to commit suicide), then I want to know what is.

I fear mostly, that living will not be enough and that I will continue to suffer, but as a depersonalised zombie. That is a kind of death in itself, isn’t it?

But for the moment, I think I might try and recover, or at least choose a slightly healthier path, i.e. trying to deal with my impulsive destructiveness (self-harm) by pausing first, distracting; drinking a lot less; and trying to do things I used to like to do - art, or volunteering.

It may be very hard to believe that sometimes I do recognise there’s tiny, tiny, little bit of me that is incongruous, that optimistic, friendly, funny and excited about stuff. That’s as much a part of my personality as the chronically suicidal, self-hating, self-destructive, misanthropic and pessimistic side, and therefore I have as much a right to it as the long-term ill mental health stuff.

Why deny myself a little light in my life?

[Barebones]

hi smithy, i do like what u have wrote here!

I have noway how to express what i want to say, but yes if u take those roads, ally ways, chances,semi control, u have a great chance!

Thank you very much in writing this post xxx very big huggles xxx

[wordsmithy]

Aw, ty you Bonesy. You gave me a huge :D

[Roses]

Smithy this is a bloody amazing post!!!! Well done to you and a big cheer. The fact that you are questioning what "recovery" means to you and looking at other options apart from suicide means you are starting to walk down the path of recovery. You have admitted to yourself that it would not be so terrible sticking around for a bit and that is GREAT! I am sending you a big gold badge (with my mind) to pin on your top and wear with pride. xxxxx:blush02:

[wordsmithy]

^Aw, awesom-o! *Pins badge to chest* :)