AmyP Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 Watched a chat show this morning and they were discussing porn and whether it has a place in a relationship. All these women were ringing in saying they think it's fine and that it should be there and women who don't like it are insecure, if men don't look at it they will cheat.....and im sat here cold and horrified. I hate porn. The thought of my bf looking at it sends reeling. Just watching that program made me want to throw myself at the tv, break up with him, slash my arms up. So I started thinking, what the hell is wrong with me. How can everyone else be okay with it?! I think a hell of a lot of it is my insecurity, but I also see it as cheating. I feel so stupid for thinking like this. I'm honestly now considering breaking up with my bf so he can't hurt me with it again. A few months ago I found pictures on my bf's itouch, god even writing this is sending me to tears. He lied and lied trying to persuade me nothing happened, until he finally caved. He did it to deliberately hurt me he told me. That's what hurt the most. He knew how much I hated it and did it on purpose. So now I'm wondering if I'm alone, surely I can't be the only one who despises it so much? I'm also thinking how am I ever going to deal with a relationship. As far as I'm concerned all men watch it or want to, and the ones that say they don't are lying. I can't be in a relationship with someone who does this so I'm going to be alone. I'm so fucking stupid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 A lot of people with BPD feel very insecure and I can understand why you have these problems. My wife does not look at porn and I suppose if she did I would feel jealous. There is a huge difference though, between looking at porn for pleasure and doing it deliberately to hurt someone. If it is being used as a weopan to hurt someone then there are problems in the relationship that need to be talked about. I am, I am afraid, a regular user of porn. Its the only sex I get . The issue about jealousy is, if you do stop your partner looking at porn, you cant police what they are thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 Yep had those feelings... have been absent of porn in my life sometimes for years and expected others to be the same... the major issue here is trust... not really a mental health issue tho so data BPD has nothing to do with it.... Porn affects marriages and relationships the world over.... unfortunately it ain't going away is it? I know how you feel... but if you can't beat them join them I say.... find some soft porn on the internet, romantic stuff, it's there and it shows men that really know how to treat a woman. That helped me anyway. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 not really a mental health issue tho so data BPD has nothing to do with it.... I disagree, I think that in a healthy relationship most people are ok with their partner looking at porn. If they feel really really bad about it, that is a sign that there is an issue with them. Thats not a criticism, just an observation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 HMMMM I have mixed views, used to think porn was pathetic and for perves.. but not having a partner made me try it out and now i quite like it.... when i was with my partner she would want to watch it with me, which i was cool about, just laughed all the way through... and she would watch it sometimes when i wasnt there, that never bothered me... but what did is if she watched it whilst not giving out to me... that made me feel insecure like "how come you can watch porn, but ur not coming near me in the bedroom.. dont u fancy me anymore?"... as a joint venture fine.. but solo shouldnt they be fantasizing about there partner rather than strangers??? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 We can agree to disagree. Although I do think you are being unrealistic in thinking you can judge others relationships based on your one marriage to your wife and your other marriage to porn. Your view is limited. I know you disagree but I was just voicing my opinion. I don't want to get into a debate about this being a mental health issue. I think porn affects everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Woman Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 http://www.forbes.com/2001/05/25/0524porn.html interesting about the size of the porn industry. :sofa: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 shouldnt they be fantasizing about there partner rather than strangers??? oh EVERYONE fantasises about strangers, whether they use porn or not We can agree to disagree. Although I do think you are being unrealistic in thinking you can judge others relationships based on your one marriage to your wife and your other marriage to porn. Your view is limited. You might have a point there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 I guess if the issue with porn is one of jealousy and it prodding the fear of abandonment, then I could see that BPD would be relevant here as it has the theme of 'frnatic efforts to avoid abandonment'. If your partner watching porn feels like a threat of abandonment, eg because they no longer find you attractive, or may compare you to the ideal images in there, then yes i think BPD has a major bearing on how you will feel about your partner using porn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 It is not for one to judge another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 sadly, unfortunately, I fantasise about men I've been with during all my private thoughts... real life people... I fantasise about previous experiences. I actually do not know if this is normal or not. But when you have had the best sex of your life with someone and the bond is there, nothing can replace it. Porn is a cheap alternative albeit good to share with someone but inevitably I fantasise more about the real times I've had which knock the pants off most of the porn I see... Yay! Go real life!! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
insanecondition Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 I feel exactly the same hun! I always thought that it was just as bad to want some one else. My ex boyfriend hurt me something terrible but after years, i found someone i can trust with my life and so will you. If someone is doing something that hurts you - how much can they can they love you and want to protect you? Porn to me is disgiusting - making love to me, is about love. But i understand not everyone feels the same way. My friend feels the same as me and she has no mental health issues. My boyfriend shares the same view (and he's not lying!). We have a very healthy sex life and it has never played a part in our relationship and never will. Although i have to agree with sanctuary, it is a trust issue in a relationship and love comes with trust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 fair point ross, ok data, maybe my view was a bit marred by your limited experience so I discounted everything you said completely (as usual). Still, I think this issue is one of trust.... and we all have been betrayed of that. Porn or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 (((pandora))) there ARE people out there who don't use it or have it as part of their life.... really, there are... xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narcissa Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 It never bothered me until my last serious relationship. Because I was so insecure, 'no porn' was in the rules of that relationship. Not everybody watches porn when they're with someone. And not everyone fantasizes about strangers when in a relationship. That generalization is offensive data. I never fantasized about anyone else when I was with someone. Not every man watches porn when they are in a relationship. If you tell them not to because you are insecure, then if they care about you, they won't. Because at the end of the day it isn't the be all and end all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jelly-bean Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 some use porn i spose some use there imaginations ...... women are tactile and men are visual ... as the saying goes men are from mars and we are from venus .... i've not really been bothered by porn.....and not interested in it either but i do like to imagine things of erotic nature from time to time gosh im blushing as for my past b/f's and husband useing them im not sure if they did really may be to wrapped up in my own world but never found any around house thank god as having children that would mortify me that it would be there for there access to, when i was a child i found my parents stash had a good old read and looked at the pictures didn't go back to them again only other time i saw that stash is the day my mum had enough of them and they were all over the kitchen floor she was mortified i saw them ..... and i think they were burned in the garden ..... i just presume that some need visual and some of us don't thats what i put it down to jabbering on now sorry xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narcissa Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 In my opinion, I think people are in the wrong relationship if you can't fantasize about the man or woman you are with. When I was an escort, there were men i was with that i had to fantasize about someone else. But there were men also that i was completely sexually attracted to and there was a chemistry and that was it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 I dont know if maybe I managed to find the only female exceptions to this rule, but all the women I have dated have liked porn, and enjoyed watching it with and without me. I dont know if it was made easier because I was always very appreciative of them - i.e the pron wasnt the focus, it was more like wearing sexy undies or something, just in the background and she was what really turned me on. Some of my girlfriends watched it when we were apart, and I cant say as that bothered me - in fact it was something of a turn on. One of my girlfriends said she liked watching my porn because it gave her an idea of what turned me on - it actually improved our relationship. I think the question of whether porn is "good or bad" is completely subjective - you either like it or you dont, and there will be reasons for that. I think the question here is about how Pandoras BF's use of it affects her, and why he was trying to hurt her with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 I echo what Ross has said. It is down to each individual as to whether they like it or not and there is nothing wrong about liking it! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 shouldnt they be fantasizing about there partner rather than strangers??? oh EVERYONE fantasises about strangers, whether they use porn or not I NEVER fantasized about anyone else whilst i was with my partner, on my own or otherwise... even now I may watch porn but when i turn it off I fantasize about her not the people in the porn... i feel its mentally cheating.. I dont want sex with anyone but her so why would i even think about it? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 I am really surprised that people say that they can be 'mentally' faithful to their partner. Maybe its my issue. Apologies if this has offended anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 I am really surprised that people say that they can be 'mentally' faithful to their partner. Maybe its my issue. Apologies if this has offended anyone. Not offended Data. I think it different for men and different for woman. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted September 15, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 well readin replies its clear its a sore subject to some so im not alone. i never said it was wrong to like it at all people can do what they like i mean everyone like different things, and people usin it in a single relationship, or with their partner is absolutely no problem to me, but i think when your in a relationship its wrong. why cant you imagine your partner??? it feels like abandonement to me and offensive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 Hmm.... I have known my partner 18 years and we been married for 10. It would actually be slightyly niiave if I was to think that after all that time he would only ever think of me, through all the bad times too I mean. A long-term relationship opens many avenues mentally and sexually and porn can be very enjoyable as can living out fantasies with a trusted partner whom you know won't hurt you. Porn can play a role in these scenarios but it doesn't mean you love your partner any less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 I am really surprised that people say that they can be 'mentally' faithful to their partner. Maybe its my issue. Apologies if this has offended anyone. Not offended Data. I think it different for men and different for woman. xxx I think its more that its different for different people, and not a battle of the sexes thing at all. I have known and dated plenty of women who do not feel that way about porn at all - they saw it as just something they or their partner does. Not all women see porn as unfaithfulness - i think that women who are prone to worrying about unfaithfulness, may also be more given to seeing porn as an example of that. A partner using porn may seem to some as just a harmless quirk, where to others it may seem like a vitally important rupture and evidence of impending crisis. Some men who feel afraid of abandonment might get upset by their partner reading HEAT magazine and looking at the torso of the week (I have known some), where other men will feel theres nothing in it at all. I think its important to recognise when something is your own issue and understand why you feel so strongly about it, rather than trying to say that the whole world is built this way, as it really isnt. EDIT: Hang on i think I have confused myself - was this more about fantasising about other REAL people who you both know? In which case hmm I dunno ... fantasy is one thing, action is another. And I think if my Gf fantasised about tom cruise, that might be ok, but the bloke next door ... hmmmm. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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