Roses Posted September 17, 2010 Report Share Posted September 17, 2010 DEAL ! I will dance and pull in the crowd x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 18, 2010 Report Share Posted September 18, 2010 Apollo that music was beautiful and the video gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes - thanks for sharing that x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choochoomama Posted September 18, 2010 Report Share Posted September 18, 2010 Welcome Apollo :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rigger77 Posted September 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 18, 2010 thank's choochoomama :-) glad you enjoyed it catsmother :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warrior Princess Posted September 18, 2010 Report Share Posted September 18, 2010 I should get back to piano lessons. i was doing quite well but just couldn't afford them or stay motivated. WP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaysee333 Posted September 18, 2010 Report Share Posted September 18, 2010 Hi Apollo77,Welcome to the forum, I can sympathise with alot you re saying, like getting to the bottom of your problems sometimes its like your on a merry go round, like hear we go again, so its hard to have that respect you so dearly want to give them if they could just sort us out once and for all. I love your honesty like, “i could be having a perfect conversation with the local vicar and in my head i'll be imagining myself smacking him in the nose.. imagine that” i do this lots too and couldnt mention the things that i think.. i know i never would do anything, but the thoughts scare me sometimes, i just put it own to past inner anger which i can only really channel with the weights in the gym me against myself.......... and its so easy for them to blame it on drink episodes with me its, weed binges, when you think hey this has been going on forever not just the last few years........ I admire your honesty, humour and your passion for music Take Care Kind Regards JC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rigger77 Posted September 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2010 Hello jaysee. Thank's for the reply. I must start by saying it's not good to know other people like ourselvers are out there because i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.. ok maybe some. lol. But seariously. Im thinking of starting up gym myself as i realize like you i need to channel it somewere.. Allthough.. i used to work as a hod carrier a few years back and found the more muscle i put on the more i held on to the tention ending up in constant pain with stress.. if that makes sense to you.. Maybe i should go for running again or something that dosn't build up too much muscle.. anyway.. i wont mumbe on.. I hope you sort thing's out with your room mate and if you ever want a chat or swap note's just ask.. Cheer's. apollo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rigger77 Posted October 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2010 I have no clue wat is going on with me.. All i know is i hate 99.9 things in this god forsaken prison wich we are all in.. just waking up is a constant struggle.. and i know its only gonna get harder.. i'm sick of being around people who have no clue how to get to the bottom of my problems.. they all want to know my story but not one of them has the answers.. the older i get the more i learn about this so called free world the more i want to throw up over it.. i have problems at home, problems at work, no respect for the police, no respect for the council, no respect for the n h s, no respect for the courts, problems with my freind's, problems with my enimys, but most of all i know wat my biggest problem is.. it's me, i fuking hate me.. i find myself screaming "die you bastard" most of the time.. i been slowly feeling worse for the past 7 years and it is seariosly getting out of hand.. i'm tired.. i'm not suisidal at the moment but things could change in a heart beat.. i'm constantly fighting with my feeling's and mood's.. i could be having a perfect conversation with the local vicar and in my head i'll be imagining myself smacking him in the nose.. imagine that.. i constantly keep myself in check.. although sometimes i find myself to hard to put up with so i go on a bender.. i've not bathed in over a week.. and i dont care.. i palpatate when i breath.. i think something is going to happen at any moment and i'm scared.. i argued with my boss the other day and he gave me a look as if i was backing down.. i did.. but not for his sake.. i've been down the rebel without a cause road and turned my life around.. got a job, held it down, but i'm right in the middle of loosing it. i have myself i girl who stick's by me.. god knows why. i hate money. i hate corporate's.. they have distroyed this planet, and there is nothing we can do about it.. my doctor says i'm depressed and suffering from angsiety.. i say.. no shit sherlock.. she sent me to the local mental health team.. they could'nt help.. they blamed it on the drinking episodes i have every couple of week's.. i need to go off every now and then and get myself of this planet' dont get me wrong i can go month's without a drink, but wen no one can help i use it as a coping tool.. i take myself off and give my everyday side of the brain a brake.. then the cycle starts again. i love my girl, my family and my son whom i have not seen in six years.. my biggest hope is that you turn out to be a better man than i am. thats just a fraction of me and my head is cabbaged now.... peace to you and good luck in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rigger77 Posted October 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2010 i got an appointment with my councilor at half three today then i'm going to try get an appointment with my doc again.. i have tried letting my councillor know that were only scratching the surface with our chats and after he has finished his 10 week's ill have no-were again. he seems to think my state is down to the tough luck i've had over the past 8 years and my job is bringing the worst out in me.. he may be right to an extent as work has been difficult to say the least. but my thoughts and feelings were getting worse well before i got this job and i know that its not the be all and end all of my fate. i suppose after 8 years of coming out of the closet with it and telling that many people about it just to be fobbed of has left me in a state were when its time for me to get stuff off my chest and shout about it i cant.. i just sit there looking stupid and panting for air.. sometimes i think of what i need to do to be finally taken seriously but know the things i think of go completely against my grain and moral's.. id just end up in prison for a very long time. the longer this snowball is rolling the bigger it's getting.. it's picking up speed and i'm dissintergrating.. :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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