Katherine Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 I have let people down here. I have let myself down. Please still accept me, if you can. Not sure if I really belong here. My therapist doesn't like it when I refer to myself as Borderline. What am I then? And I've not been technically abused. So I don't REALLY belong in Havoca. Upset. Lonely (my fault). Scared. Got to get ready to go to work now. Seeing GP this afternoon. Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittykat Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 ((((((((((((((katie)))))))))))) sending you lots of hugs ive read some of your posts and i dont think youve let ppl down! you're not alone, even though you're feeling lonely, feeling this way is not your fault! hope it goes ok at the doctors today, look after yourself tc xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 Hi Katie, Think of it this way, my Doc does not believe in BPD, so, if I mention anything about it he just laughs at me. I don't think it matters whether we have it or not, the fact is, we can relate to each others problems here, people understand the issues rather than just saying - you are wierd. Not sure why you think you have let people down - you are great. Don't know why you feel you have let yourself down - but I am sure you have not - you just feel that way..... well probably 'we' feel that way On the other point - you mean you want me to accept you...honestly....well okay then , that will never be an issue, I can't think of anyone who I don't accept for being themselves, their other self or who is willing to share experiences and support to help others. Katie, I would carry on, but, I am at work and I must press on, hopefully we can continue this thread later. I hope you have a good session with your GP and smile to yourself, because, your strong and good. Catch you later, Jane xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 ((((Karie)))) You will allways be accepted and needed here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 Why do you feel that you have let people down? I don't know your story, so I don't really know what you mean by 'real' abuse. If you mean rejection or neglect in various ways, well this is still devastating to a child, so it shouldn't be an issue of who has or hasn't been abused etc... It's not a competition!! If you feel bad enough to be on these boards reaching out to others for help and to give help then that's just fine. It's all relative to the person it has happened to. What one child will cope with, another will withdraw into his or herself, and be destroyed. Experiences between and my brother could be called abuse, or on the other hand might not. I am still unsure, because I let things happen. Not only that but there have not really been any lasting effects of it. I don't think about it much and that's why I don't go to havoca. The main damage for me was caused by simply not having parents until I was 5yrs old. That is what f**ked me up!! I don't feel like I belong on the abuse forum either! Let us not be concerned with those issues, but concentrate on trying to help each other and sort our problems out if we can. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 ((((((Katie)))))) thinking of you hun, sending lots of hugs, listen to what everyone has said- they are good words (I would add to them but am failing myself at the moment) Anwen xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 Kari-of course you belong here. Not everyone here has BPD. My T does not like me to call myself borderline either but I am still here. You belong in HAVOCA too...emotional abuse is still abuse. You have not let anyone down...where is this coming from? As Claire said, we cannot compete against eachother...I think it all boils down to our environment as well. You were not made to feel safe as a child and of course thats going to affect you. It affects everyone different but if its painful for you then its important and you are important. Here for you. Emma xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmi Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 the one thing that connects us all on here isnt what we've been labeled by the powers that be but the hurt, confussion, lonelyness. you belong here katie because your in pain and you have people here who care, understand and want to take the pain away for you, safe warm hugs katie xxkimmixx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 As I read all your posts I feel like crying again.....In a felt understood way... I cried at work today...my manager showed me how the display I'd done was put in front of the 'patron counter', disabling it, so rendering the number for this week inaccurate. I must be feeling very vulnerable and on edge, because I felt really picked on, and had a bit of a rage about my always getting everything wrong. Then burst out crying a short while later. When I realised that one of the main area managers was there....felt scared of being asked to leave, that I'd really got myself in the shit now......I'd really done it. Work is the one place where I can generally hold myself together. But today, no way. I went and sat in the toilets crying for about 5 minutes. I have been very subdued all day....Scared. Where is all this coming from? Two things 1) Deciding not to go to Claire's party, and feeling bad about letting people down. But I don't feel safe and I felt rather pressured. 2) Issues re negative self talk and depression and anger and my father's impact on my life---which have been a major topic in my writing for The Angry Heart exercises, and of course in therapy. (got to go off to GP now...will write more later..) (thanks for letting me get all this out..its important....) Am now back. I don't feel up to a more detailed post just now..so will respond properly later. I cried for the first time in front of my GP. She thinks its just because I've started back at therapy. I wish she'd enquire a bit deeper into the workings of my mind...I do try and explain.... We decided not to increase the Efexor dosage just yet, and I'm seeing her next Friday to reevaluate. If I feel really bad on Saturday morning then I can call into work and take time off. She said that in my records it doesn't say I'm 'barmy or anything like that, so not to worry'. (huh...sounds evasive???) but that it is an honest picture of who I am as a person. (with all that pain and suicidal feelings at times, I guess.) - gulp. Feeling very vulnerable right now. I could use a hug. Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 ((((((((((((((Katie)))))))))))))))) Wish I could be there to give you the real thing. This is heartfelt... :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 Thanks Ann.....you reached me...much appreciated... I feel like----do I take time off work? (but its so hell alone) or increase med dosage those seem to be my choices.... My GP was suggesting my therapist slow down with the therapy...not go into what I'm going into now, trying to resolve the negative self talk...(which is really fighting back....saying how I do not deserve support etc..) but I am ME...what can I do except explore what hurts? Please someone wrap me in a blanket and hold this little girl in me close and hold her whilst she cries, and soothe her..... I am too 'big' to be held like that now...I grieve that.... I really appreciated yesterday when my therapist allowed my little girl inside to have a voice and a valid opinion... God, I wish I could have a break from work and just concentrate on getting better..but hey ho...such is life... Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sky Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 Oh honey, im sorry that your in so much pain, i wish i could be there for you. as everyone has said a billion times your worth tons here and obviously loved from here to the moon and back thousands of times. some times i debate taking time off from work but time to myself is my enemy, when my brain gets going....not good. either way, try to do something extra good for yourself or find a away to feel special, like... i dont know... give a whole doller to a homless person, that always makes me feel good about myself. wait, is that kinda odd. i dont konw, dont listen to me too much, im a complet nutter. but, everyone else is on the right page for you. re read their posts and add my name as sender. just take care love sky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexa Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 (((((((((((((((Karie))))))))))))))))))) Sending lots of safe and warm hugs xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vicky Posted April 28, 2005 Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 (((((Kari))))) hon, I'm not borderline, but I've always felt welcome here, I don't think anyone would stop you from being here because of that, we want to help. I know how it feels to want to be held like you're a child again, it's a familiar feeling, wish i could do that for you, but please know we're all here and we all want you to feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2005 Thank you Sky,Bikey and Alexa.... And Sky, your words mean so much to me, I want to listen to them... I've had a chat with my flatmate, so feel a little less alone here....writing about my NEEDS in my Angry Heart Journal...exercise 1.4.....NO traumatic experience journalling tonight.... Plus, I think I have PMT....I always cry at unexpected times, and am paranoid when I have PMT. Today is day 32 (I usually have a cycle of about 34 days), and I somehow FORGOT---because I'm feeling so much like a little girl...that PMT affects me like this....) Therapy tomorrow. Ahhh to lie down on the couch covered in a blanket.... Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2005 I got my period today... and it explains some of the blaaaaahhhh of the past few days.....which is a bit of a relief...It just kind of crept up on me... I still feel scared and unsafe and vulnerable though.... Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted April 29, 2005 Report Share Posted April 29, 2005 Kari-I am getting mine today too...I have been feeling the same way very depressed and blah. At least we can suffer through this horrible monthly curse together. My back is aching and I just feel like crap... ((((((((Kari)))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2005 (((((((((Emma)))))))))) K. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.