Hi All

[shoe13]

I am new to this site and was wondering if anyone can give me some help in the direction of coping and understanding what happened with a person I was madly in love with. Any responses welcome.

[catsmother21]

Hi there Shoe and welcome

There is great support and advice on this site and I hope you can find some answers to your questions. My diagnosis is BPD and will try to help if I can x

[shoe13]

Hi Catsmom,

Thanks for the reply. I am just an emotional wreck over this and obsessed with it. I can't stand the cycle I am in. The strangest thing that has ever happened to me. I am trying to find answers but from what I have read, I might never get those answers. I wonder if you would know if these people keep coming back even though I told her some very nasty things through voicemail. I haven't heard from her in two weeks now and the whole ordeal is just mind boggling. In some weird way, I want her to come back but don't think she ever will. I don't like airing out my dirty laundry online as there was so much that happened and things I can't explain at all. The change in her emotion was like a snap from good to bad. Ugh, I am frustrated, broken and can't get it off my mind.

[catsmother21]

The quick changes in her emotions is something that is typical of BPD.

"I wonder if you would know if these people keep coming back even though I told her some very nasty things through voicemail"

If you are referring to her and other people with as 'these people', I don't think that's a very good idea because you're separating her from society, like she's not part of it but something different. It may not be the BPD that is stopping her from coming back if you've been horrible to her through voicemail - it could just be the horrible things that you have said.

Give her and yourself some time and see what happens.

[shoe13]

I am sorry if I offended anyone with the "these" people. I am new to this all and what I meant a person with BPD. Sorry again. I said the horrible things because of what she did. On top of that she acted like it wasn't her that sent texts that were horrible and never to hear from her actually. I believe it was her the whole time. She told me I don't know how many times she loved me, I was her soulmate, wanted and was committed to me and many more pleasing things and then in a flash it wasn't her again. Totally shunned me and for nothing. Just gone in the wind.

[catsmother21]

Shoe I wasn't offended and I hope it didn't come across as harsh. I know it's difficult when you don't understand about MH illnesses. Like I said my dx is BPD and my husband has a bipolar disorder and I had to learn about his illness when we met because I knew nothing about it. So there's no need to be sorry.

I know I have been very difficult to deal with as a partner in the past and I still have my moments now. I would blow hot and cold, pushing and pulling. How long have you been together and is this the first time that you've split up?

Have you read the information on this site about BPD? That might help you to understand her better. I find that the explanation given here is the best one I've ever read because it comes from someone who's been there and understands it. If you're googling try to stay away from american psychiatrists because I don't believe that they are fair in what they say.

I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly x

[shoe13]

I have read a ton of material. Oh and thanks for understanding. We have been together over three months. I know it sounds short but I was definitely into this woman. It was intense and she was the aggressor and I overlooked some red flags such as how quickly she was saying Love. There were two other instances. One she didn't talk to me for a week after a minor disagreement and said her family member was in the hospital thus she was overwhelmed. I don't truly believe they were. Second she sent me home on a plane as this was long distance after I had just arrived the night before. By the time I landed back home after the one hour flight, I had ten messages saying how sorry, how much she missed, loved me and made a mistake and could she come see me the very next day. I talked it out with her and everything seemed to be working until this last episode. It was and is mind boggling. I haven't contacted her in over a week except a closure email for myself. I haven't received any response and wasn't really looking for one. I think deep down I really do want her to contact me but I did leave a voicemail over a week ago stating that she was a narcissitic bi*** and she was weak and can't believe how she can't have remorse, guilt or anything. There is obviously more to the story but don't like airing it all out on here.

[shoe13]

I also said I guess its off to your next victim. I had met her on the internet. She had put herself back on it the weekend that I was to be going there and was driving there. Then all the madness started. I said these horrible things not knowing that she was mentally ill. She to my knowledge has not been diagnosed with BPD. However I did see a counselor and she said it is unfair to assess her as one but it is highly likely that she is and possible multiple personality weaved in there since she acted like it wasn't her texting me things that weekend. It went form boss is in town, to a last minute conference, to having to fly out of town to she is in the hospital. It just kept going and going with lies. It all just doesn't add up.

[catsmother21]

My husband fell in love with me the first time he saw me - it can happened very quickly sometimes.

BPD relationships can be very intense and I can relate to some of what she has done. It must be very hard for you trying to come to terms with this. You said that you wrote a closure email for yourself - do you really want her back?

Do you know if she is getting any MH input with her illness?

[catsmother21]

If you want to help her and be with her - try apologising for what you said and offer to help her if that is what she wants but the getting help has to come from her unless you think she's a danger to herself.

[shoe13]

I wrote a closure email for myself but sent it to her. I don't know if she got or read it. I haven't heard a thing. Its like I never existed. She came on so strong was telling me she wanted to marry me. I found also that she is still legally married and I called her on it. She said she didn't tell me because I had stated I wouldn't date someone that was still legally married. She said she didn't want to lose me. This is the third time she has been to court trying to get a divorce from her husband. I now wonder if she hasn't got him in the cycle as well. She does have a child with him. I chose to overlook all these red flags because of how good we were when we were together. The thought and feelings shared. Its hard to come to terms with that is could all have been not real at all. I am trying to find out if BPD's really love, care, or if they feel anything at all.

[shoe13]

I don't know how I can apologize to her after all she hasn't made any contact with me at all. Yes I would love to help her, love her and move forward with her. I just don't think she would take kindly to me saying I think you have a mental illness. I think she would deny it all together. In fact she had called me one day and said my daughter (15 yrs.) told me I need mental help. I said why did she say that. She replies with that she doesn't understand how I can be mad one minute and totally happy the next. I chose to overlook that red flag too. But I just didn't know.

[catsmother21]

Mmm it's a tricky one - do you have any contact with any of her family or friends to talk to them to see what they think?

[shoe13]

No I don't. I wish I did. I know I have to let it go. However, I do love her.

[catsmother21]

All I can say is give it some time - she may contact you still and take it slowly x

[shoe13]

In fact, it was supposedly her sister sending me the text that weekend so I asked for them to call me and talk about the truth. They wouldn't. Again, I think it was her the whole time doing this.

[shoe13]

I will do that and like I said have had no contact with her besides the email I sent which was Wednesday of this week before that it had been just over a week. It wasn't nice. Do people with BPD feel love, remorse, guilt? Did she really love me or the idea of being in love? She has since taken herself off the internet site so I am assuming she met someone else and has focused attention on them. Its just sad. I will not contact her. I just can't do it. There isn't anything I can say to bring her back it will be on her to do so.

[catsmother21]

I have felt huge remorse and guilt and what I thought was love in the past but like you said I think it was more the idea of being in love and desperately wanting someone to love me unconditionally back. The remorse and guilt was real but just pushed it to the back of my mind and blamed everything on everyone else - gosh this is hard to admit.

It wasn't until I'd been on my own for 6 years and worked on myself and learning new skills for my illness that I was capable of really loving someone and just when I wasn't looking for it along came my husband and what I feel for him is the real deal.

I don't know if this helps you x

[shoe13]

Of course its helpful. It makes me happy for you for you but makes me sad that she won't ever get to that point with me. You should be very proud. Kudos to you! In my closure email I said I forgive you for what you did to me. I told her she had the one guy on this earth that would have loved supported and treasured her forever and she sabotaged it because of her past ghosts and demons. I told her I would have helped her with anything. I also said I never deserved to be treated like that by her on anyone. In the end I said God bless your soul as he knows the truth. I am sure all of this has driven her away forever. I am just tying to come to that reality. Oh so sad. I am broken right now.

[catsmother21]

I'm glad that you said that you don't deserve to be treated like this, you have to have boundaries and keep yourself safe as well. I wish I could help you more x :hug2:

[shoe13]

Just wanted her to admit what she did was wrong. She won't. I also said that in my email as well. I admit when I am wrong and you don't. I told her she broke me in every sense of my being. I just can't believe that there isn't something tugging at her saying respond or maybe she has twisted it so much that its all my fault and I shouldn't have said that things I said to her. I think I shouldn't have either. I really don't think that of her. She just blew me off like I was nothing. One day earlier I was the love of her life. Thanks so much for listening and being a positive influence cat.

[catsmother21]

I know when I've been hurt by people in the past or if I've hurt them, instead of trying to resolve things, I've just wiped them out of my life.

Keep posting and keep talking, I'm sure other people will pick up on this post and will be able to give you their experiences and support.

Take care and look after yourself x

[shoe13]

Thanks again Cat. That is what I was afraid of that I hurt her with my words and she has gone now. Even though it is twisted and she is the one that started the whole thing with hurting me and exiling me. She has turned it into her favor and she did nothing wrong. I hear people say just let it go and you are letting her win. Its not about winning with me but caring. Letting go of something you were told and felt was real is very hard as you have to be in these shoes to understand. I know you have been there so I respect your opinions. Thanks.

[Warrior Princess]

Not a lot I can say on this except you have to determine whether this relationship is healthy for you. I think you have already decided that it isn't.

WP

[shoe13]

Thank you. I do know I need to find out if its healthy which I know its not but struggling with what was and not what is. Looking back at all the things said, done and not done. I know that this was not right and I let her treat me poorly but stood up to her the first time and she came back and seduced me again. I won't fall for it again. The no contact is tough especially when I was receiving countless texts, calls and notes on a daily basis only for them to just stop so abruptly and disheartening. I guess I will always want to know answers. I know I won't ever get them. Its the quagmire I am in on this cycle.