How Long Have You Been Depressed?

[purple-chick]

hi all, just been doing some thinking about my life and whether its in our genes to be depressed, or if its something we grow into through bad experience.

i cant remember a time in my life where i was genuinely happy for any decent length of time, tbh.

i always felt alone as a child and never felt like a properly fitted in anywhere, and its carried on into adulthood.

i took my first od at 14, but i didnt have my first serious breakdown til i was 19, as i kept it hidden from eveyone until then.

anyway would really appreciate some feed back

xxx

[Roses]

Hi hun, the earliest I remember self harming was when I was 7. I was never happy as my brother used to hurt me physically ever since I was born. According to Mum she would be changing me on the table and he would be crouching down at the side pinching me and hurting me. Bastard. She did her own hitting and punishments and mind tricks. His abuse turned sexual and by 12/13 I was in the throws of anorexia and denial. My first overdose was at 16 and I must've done it about 20 times now and I am covered in scars on my thigh and arm from SH and have bulimia/anorexic/bodydysmorphia as well as chronic long term depressive disorder with anxiety and psychosis. But I managed to avoid hospitisation until I was 31. God knows how. I just lied through my teeth and kept myself to myself I guess. But you are not alone. I have had this all my life and I'm sure I will have it for the rest of my life. I'm just learning how to cope and make a more positive future. x

[purple-chick]

yeh i started to suffer with anorexia and 13, and have swung between that and binge eating for all my life.

and im pretty sure that the reason why they are now testing me for liver disease is cos of all the paracetamol ods iv taken. my dad said to me last one i went really yellow xx

[Jelly-bean]

feel that i was a very unhappy child ...first od @ 7 yrs old ...i was born to neglectful parents who abused me in every way breakdowns all the way through my teens countless od's s/h since little....lied through my entire life to be "normal"......and to keep me out of hospital, i have lost count of the breakdowns s/h and od's that i have put myself through ...was married to a alchoholic drug addict for 11 years,

and have only just this year been seen by the mental health team and getting help now for bpd, servere anx and servere depression

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi purpley

There are a million and one factors that affect personality and predisposition to mental illness, some genetic, some environmental. To give you a full answer would span information from Family Systems Theory, Attachment Theory, Genetics, Trauma Research, Behavioural Science, Evolutionary Psychology, Biopsychology, Personality Research ... its nice to have a simple, pat answer, and many will claim to be able to offer you one, but the truth is we are many decades away from really knowing. Its not 1 + 1 = 2, its more like the hardest algebra equation you've ever seen That equation will look slightly different for each person.

As regards getting better, I have always felt that focusing on what you can consciously change (behaviours, attitudes, choices, acceptance) is far more helpful in the long run than focusing on what you cannot (genes). However I understand there are often a number of reasons for wanting an answer - and sometimes it relates to feeling, or wanting to feel, that you, someone else, or no-one, is to blame. It can quite often come down to feeling 'heard' - e.g. if you can prove its nurture, then your parents would have to listen to you when you tell them how angry you feel at them. If its all genetic, it may absolve you of responsibility for your behaviours, or your parents of 'blame', and so remove some of the stress of judgment from others. The reason you want the answer will affect how you feel about the answer itself.

Ross

[AmyP]

felt neglected a lot in childhood then SA at 14 which is when i developed anorexia and first sh. only 18 now but in 4 years ive covered myself in scars and nearly od'd 3 times. not looking good and getting closer. have psychosis, binge eat/anorexia, depression, possible bpd bla bla bla. fun fun

[purple-chick]

thanx guys for taking the time to reply and vote

and ross you have certainly given me something to think about... iv missed your inciteful replies

and jels, im glad you are finally getting help honey

xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Oh also lol I put first breakdown at 15+ It set a precedent in my life for breakdowns being precipitated by being aggressively disciplined by hostile male authority figures :(

[Wynter Grace]

Hi,

I first started self-harming at about 11 or 12, and between the ages of 16-21 self harmed alot, at one point i was doing it everyday, i didn't feel any benefit from it at that point it had just become a habit, I hardly do it at all now.

I've never really felt happy any time in my life, I may get the odd day or week where i suddenly feel very happy and full of life, but usually that doesnt last long.

I know that some of my problems have been due to my family.

Wynter. xxx

[Roses]

Big hugs for everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[t5terrier]

Breaks my f***ing heart how many people were hurt so bad so young.

My earliest memories were of a feeling that "something wasn't right."

First break down @ 17 then every 7 years since (something Buddhist in that), OD at 19, second @ 20, 3rd @ 29 (and no more). Having said all that, I've lived a pretty full on life despite all the feelings and there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just hitting 40 and everything has got easier, good times last longer, bad times less, emotions calmer...

I just wish that there was a price I could pay to make everyone better, wish I could heal us all with one big hug.

:grouphug[1]:

[t5terrier]

Hi hun, the earliest I remember self harming was when I was 7. I was never happy as my brother used to hurt me physically ever since I was born. According to Mum she would be changing me on the table and he would be crouching down at the side pinching me and hurting me. Bastard. She did her own hitting and punishments and mind tricks. His abuse turned sexual and by 12/13 I was in the throws of anorexia and denial. My first overdose was at 16 and I must've done it about 20 times now and I am covered in scars on my thigh and arm from SH and have bulimia/anorexic/bodydysmorphia as well as chronic long term depressive disorder with anxiety and psychosis. But I managed to avoid hospitisation until I was 31. God knows how. I just lied through my teeth and kept myself to myself I guess. But you are not alone. I have had this all my life and I'm sure I will have it for the rest of my life. I'm just learning how to cope and make a more positive future. x

That's sum pretty hardcore sharing, thank you and hugz

[Roses]

Thank you babe xxxxx It helps, it really helps to share x

[sadpanda]

i was sexually abused as a child by a family member and physically abused by another from the age of about 6 i dont really remember anything before this time and i dont think i have ever been happy for longer than a couple of weeks since my grandad died when i was 10 as he was and still is the only true friend and protector i ever had x

[purple-chick]

Big hugs for everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i second that! :inlove3:

[Jelly-bean]

im not sure it does help as i feel open again and worried ..but it maybe down to my anx not sure but really keep wanting to erase what i have typed here :(

[t5terrier]

hi all, just been doing some thinking about my life and whether its in our genes to be depressed, or if its something we grow into through bad experience.

i cant remember a time in my life where i was genuinely happy for any decent length of time, tbh.

i always felt alone as a child and never felt like a properly fitted in anywhere, and its carried on into adulthood.

i took my first od at 14, but i didnt have my first serious breakdown til i was 19, as i kept it hidden from eveyone until then.

anyway would really appreciate some feed back

xxx

It's an awsum question and an interesting Poll. It's all about Nature vs Nuture, a question that is argued in sociological and psychological circles to this day. Personally I like to think of the cells in our body as having sum kind of memory. When bad stuff happens and we get filled with negativity for a long time our cells remember, it kind of "stains" us. Doesn't mean we can't live good lives or learn to react in healthier ways but it does take work (unfortunately). I think if we were born with a faulty gene, nothing would work, I don't think we'd be able to survive.

I was told many years ago that I was born with a predisposition towards depressive conditions and that there was nothing I could do about it, but that aint true. Maybe the predisposition bit was but the actual problems I have were caused in my lifetime by other peoples actions, and aint that the shit bit, we have to carry the can for someone elses cock ups, but ya know what? I think break downs are a form of healing, I think it's the body's way of saying stop and sort this out, I'm thinking that every bad time we get through we get a tiny bit stronger.

HUG

[t5terrier]

im not sure it does help as i feel open again and worried ..but it maybe down to my anx not sure but really keep wanting to erase what i have typed here

I know how you feel, sharing can leave you feeling weak, scared, lonely and very vulnerable but I totally believe that it helps in the long run, as long as you know that there are people here that can help you with the aftermath.

I shared on a post a while back and fell apart afterwards but now I'm back stronger and lighter.

sendin u a hug too.. and everyone else who shared on here...

[bena.baby]

interesting poll and results purple one.

i, like a lot of people have said, was never happy as a child. i felt very alone and different from others, even though i was quite popular til i went to secondary school. first started self-harming at about 14 or 15 maybe, although i've never done it very seriously. can't really remember my first breakdown, but the first time i realised that this was something very serious was when i was about 19 i think.

i'm 27 now and in the last 6 months i've definitely been happy. before that, no, definitely not. any moment that was outwardly happy was still filled with negative emotions. now i have days, even weeks where i am happy and calm all the time without having negative thoughts/fears in the background.

it is bliss!!!

[carlylight1]

first self-harmed when i was 14. also incidents of pulling my hair out because i just didn't know how to cope with the feelings.

interestingly it coincided with the time i had my first boyfriend, first emergence of bpd traits and when i first started using lsd/speed. my mum saw what i was doing and said something along the lines of 'stop being stupid'. i told her there was something wrong with me and i needed help, again the same response and how i just wanted attention. learnt from this not to ask for help and should keep everything in.

had always felt sad and that i didn't like myself from about 5 onwards. from being bullied and called 'paki' and stuff. it wasn't even too severe i was probably just overly sensitive. told my mum what was happening and she told me to 'stand up for myself' which i could never do and felt worse for not being able to.

suffered a violent attack at the hands of someone i knew when i was 18, coped for a year then had a break down.

was depressed for another year

following year i had a new start at uni. met some great people who seemed to like me for me. was happy! but became a weed addict and got into ecstasy. fell in love, swapped uni's to be near him(stupidly). it all went tits up. lots of od's the worst depression i'd ever experienced which lasted for a few years.

now, doing much better. not happy in a 'everythings sorted' and i'm content way but definitely feeling hopeful and motivated to sort everything out. i've fucked up soooo much but i'm determined to make it better.

[hummm_mabbe]

it wasn't even too severe i was probably just overly sensitive. told my mum what was happening and she told me to 'stand up for myself' which i could never do and felt worse for not being able to.

Whenever I read something like this, I remember the tennis analogy I once heard.

If a tennis player keeps hitting the ball into the net, what good is a coach who says "you need to stop hitting the ball into the net" ? The player KNOWS thats what he needs to do - he just doesnt know HOW. Thats the whole point of having a coach - a guide.

A guide is someone who gives you suggestions on HOW to do something, shows you a path, and supports and encourages you on the way. Accepts mistakes as part of learning, and re-focuses you on trying again, tweaking your approach.

Someone who tells you to 'just' do something that you have not been taught to do, is actually a very invalidating or impatient person. Often they do not know how to do the thing they are suggesting themselves, or at least do not know how to teach another. But because it may make them feel inadequate to admit that, they make you feel it is your failing for not simply figuring it out yourself.

I was bullied and had the exact same treatment from my mum. She even accused me of taking drugs, rather than seeing that my behaviour was changing because of the bullying. She told me to "learn to stand up for myself", with that same impatient, intolerant tone she was so good at. What struck me was she was endlessly getting into scrapes with people at work that she couldnt stand up for herself in - she was as incapable of doing the thing that I should 'just' have been able to do.

As kids we dont see that - we just blame ourselves and spend the rest of our lives feeling like incompetents, rushing to catch up emotionally with a world we feel is somehow perfect, and born that way. We dont realise that most of those that can do what we cant, had DIRECTION and support. Not the implied judgment of 'failing' to naturally be born with those life skills. Thats why in therapy, and in life, we need to find a guide who can give us that - the direction, acceptance and support. These things can be learned, if we can come to stop blaming ourselves for not 'just' doing it.

Ross

[carlylight1]

it wasn't even too severe i was probably just overly sensitive. told my mum what was happening and she told me to 'stand up for myself' which i could never do and felt worse for not being able to.

Whenever I read something like this, I remember the tennis analogy I once heard.

If a tennis player keeps hitting the ball into the net, what good is a coach who says "you need to stop hitting the ball into the net" ? The player KNOWS thats what he needs to do - he just doesnt know HOW. Thats the whole point of having a coach - a guide.

A guide is someone who gives you suggestions on HOW to do something, shows you a path, and supports and encourages you on the way. Accepts mistakes as part of learning, and re-focuses you on trying again, tweaking your approach.

Someone who tells you to 'just' do something that you have not been taught to do, is actually a very invalidating or impatient person. Often they do not know how to do the thing they are suggesting themselves, or at least do not know how to teach another. But because it may make them feel inadequate to admit that, they make you feel it is your failing for not simply figuring it out yourself.

I was bullied and had the exact same treatment from my mum. She even accused me of taking drugs, rather than seeing that my behaviour was changing because of the bullying. She told me to "learn to stand up for myself", with that same impatient, intolerant tone she was so good at. What struck me was she was endlessly getting into scrapes with people at work that she couldnt stand up for herself in - she was as incapable of doing the thing that I should 'just' have been able to do.

As kids we dont see that - we just blame ourselves and spend the rest of our lives feeling like incompetents, rushing to catch up emotionally with a world we feel is somehow perfect, and born that way. We dont realise that most of those that can do what we cant, had DIRECTION and support. Not the implied judgment of 'failing' to naturally be born with those life skills. Thats why in therapy, and in life, we need to find a guide who can give us that - the direction, acceptance and support. These things can be learned, if we can come to stop blaming ourselves for not 'just' doing it.

Ross

thanks for the insight ross, it means a lot xxx

[AmyP]

what classes as a breakdown?

[wordsmithy]

Hm.

I first set out solid and detailed plans to end my life at 19 (subsequent inpatient stay on a psych ward at 20). So I'm classing that as my first MH breakdown.

I first OD-ed when I was 18.

As a kid I was always anxious about something, for example my parents dying if they were late and develiping OCD rituals out of that. I found it difficult to make friends since I started school and was very reclusive and withdrawn. Not sure why though.

But there was a period of time when I first became interested in art, when I made friends who I felt like equals, when I was happy being encouraged my teachers to write and paint/draw. Probably the most solid, stable and optimistic period of my life.

Life's gone a bit bloody downhill since then. :(

[Willtolive]

I cant remeber a time when I didnt feel empty or lost. I took my first overdose at 14 around the time I started self harming. I'm a big girl and was bullied all through school and secondary school. I was being violent and lashing out at other people and myself when I went home. I'm covered in scars and in some twisted way find them beautiful. I'm always thinking up ways to end my life, its almost against my will.