How Long Have You Been Depressed?

[catsmother21]

I was abused emotionally and physically by my mother and second step-father. My biological father walked out of my life when I was 12 months old and had no memory of him and was brought up to believe that my first step-father was my Dad and was told at 13 that he wasn't. Bullied at school, bullied at work, a two year domestic violence relationship (violence came from him) which ended with him hanging himself.

First thoughts of suicide?/SH when I was 12 - sat on kitchen floor with bottle of bleach after my mother had told me that she didn't love me and didn't like me but she loved my brother and why couldn't I be more like him - didn't know about paracetamol then. First overdose at 18 now lost count of how many, SH started at 24 cutting arms, wrists, neck, face and legs; set fire to myself; drove my car off a motorway through a motorway sign and down a hill in the dead of the night(just want to say that I made sure there was no possibility of me harming anyone else - there was no-one about) 2 months in hospital for that to heal physically and then sectioned. First hospital admittance at 25, the first of about 10 or 12, 3 of them being sections. Also, lots of risk taking behaviour - walking around dangerous parts of London in the dead of the night, hoping that I would be attacked.

My dx is emotionally unstable personality disorder, severe recurrent depressive disorder and transient psychotic symptoms.

I haven't self-harmed for about 2 years now and not OD'd for about a year. I still get the urges but I seem to be able to keep them in line now. Also, got married for 1st time about 18 months ago. My life isn't as chaotic or out of control as it used to be either.

I do have some happy times but they don't tend to last for any length of time.

[Roses]

((((Cat))))

[Tray]

i was kicked out of home to live with my grandparents aged 2, my first ever memory is aged 8 when i had a breakdown... have always done some form of self harm, i use to try and break my arm for attention... started drinking heavily aged 12, in the grips of anorexia aged 15, started cutting bout then as well, first od at 19, few more since.

got dx with depression at 8, been on anti depressents since then, got dx with bpd aged 31

as fpr being happy, nope never really felt it unless i am in mania!

[choochoomama]

I feel so sad after reading how many people have been abused in some way and are now having to deal with that. Its terrifying what people are capable of doing to each other

tbh I feel a bit stupid posting my story coz I have never been abused or anything like that. As far as I can remember I've done this to myself. I would think from around age 14 I've blamed myself for anything and everything. I can always find a way to blame myself that makes perfect sense to me, even if I had nothing to do with it. I remember sitting on my bed punching myself in the stomach and scratching my arms with my nails or scissors while crying and telling myself I was a fat, ugly, horrible bitch and thats whay I didn't have a boyfriend and no boys ever spoke to me and why at school disco's I was the only one sat there on my own for the last dance. I remember being happy as a child, I loved going on family holidays and even just playing barbies on my own (lol). Ha I'd still play barbies now if I could! I loved horse riding (can't afford it now) and that gave me something to look forwards to every week but no one else I knew liked horses as much as I did. I also liked rock music and bluesy stuff that my dad listened too, where as all my friends were into pop. I remember a girl who I thought of as a best friend, saying to me "Why do you talk about horses all the time? Its boring!" (she also said another time that she didn't have a best friend which hurt like hell)after that I started noticing that altho my mam n dad would listen to me waffle on about it they didn't really know what I was going on about when I told them what stuff I'd been doing in my riding lessons and were really just being polite, so I just didn't bother talking about it anymore. I guess what I've recently concluded is that I've always tried to change me to fit in with the people around me, when really I suppose I should have looked for friends with similar interests to me. I didn't realise how much these small things have shaped my life and who I have become. There are othger little incidents I keep remembering but not gonna write em all down.

Christ, have I even answered any of your questions?? lol That'll be me waffling again, I apologise.

I didn't realise it was depression or anything like that at the time, I was first diagnosed with postnatal depression after having my first child in 2005, altho it would have been 2006 when I was diagnosed. When the health visitor talked to me about the results of the questionnaire I felt relieved in a way to know it wasn't just me. And when I sat and thought about it I'd felt like that on and off for years.

Had my first counselling sesh on wednesday and he says its like I have 2 sides to me. The real me and a very critical me which constantly beats the real me up (in my head obv lol) and thats why I feel all confused. I can relate to that coz there's definitely someone in my head beating me up, I just need to figure out how to be stronger than her and realise she's not always right.

Anyhoo, I'm at work now n I should really get my mind on train tickets lol.

Thanks for listening and it does feel a little better getting some of that out in the open. I do feel a little selfish as I know you all have your own problems which are way more important than mine, but counsellor also says I'm not as selfish as I think so I'm trying to ignore that feeling

hugs to all who need em

Sarah

xxx