Victim Or Victimizer

[Twistedmister]

I thought i saw her today....... my mind become flooded with a torrent of emotion as her figure drew near. "is that really her?" "it couldn't be....it is, no wait it isn't.......no wait it is!" My mind raced back and forth between fear and elation. What will she say, what will I.... "wow, it's really her"

It wasn't. Some random woman that looked like her, went jogging down the hill past me.

I have Obsessive Compulsive DIsorder. I have Borderline Personality Disorder with Masochistic and Histrionic Features.

I can't believe it wasn't her. I'm so silly.....why do i always do this. Why do i think every woman with red hair who's out jogging, is going to be her. Why do I even......."omg, it's her"

Just then, literally 10 seconds later........and 5 months since I saw her last, Karen came jogging down the hill. I hardly had time to even notice my thoughts, as my mind was still ablaze with action and thought from the self induced mirage i suffered only moments earlier.

I 've only recently begun to understand Borderline Personality disorder and how it affects me on a very topical level. As usual, i had managed to convince myself i knew all there was to know.....that was of course, until i realised i didn't at all.

She came jogging down the hill so fast.....there was barely time for me to think anything. Plan anything, fear/anticipate anything. All i could do was feel, and all i felt at the sight of her.....was joy.

As we got closer, i could see her smile. Her face lit up and for a split second i felt safe. I waved and smiled and she waved and i was ready........ready to open my mouth and let a million things all come out at once.

I think of myself as a smart person. Perhaps even a bit of an intellectually arrogant one. It's probably heightened to a large degree by my Borderline way of thinking. Seeing as how i'm only really able to see myself as either smart or stupid. And seeing as how, i have an overwhelming need to feel superior (safe). However, regardless of why i think i'm intelligent......it's true, that i'm rarely surprised. Today i was.

As she jogged towards me.....now seemingly in slow motion as i now knew it was finally really actually her....i struggled to open my mouth and let whatever words, words trapped for months and months, out. "Karen, how's it..."

Karen how's it.....is all i had time to say. Because Karen, didn't stop. Karen didn't even slow down......and Karen, didn't even look back as i stood in total disbelief, watching her jog away.

Sitting here now, some 11 hours later......i still don't really know what to think or how to feel. I simply cannot believe she didn't stop to talk to me. It seems insane. It makes me feel like i must be insane, because frequently in these occurences that's usually the explanation.

I have no idea how this person, i felt so close to.......how this person, i thought of so highly could just run past me like i was just some guy. All the conversations we had, all the moments we shared............i really felt like we were really close friends. And i really think, it would be delusional to think otherwise, given....given. Given the nature of everything we were. Or so i thought.

How could this of happened. What kind of person is she? People i barely know would of stopped to say hello. Do i know her? Did i ever? Was what she did rude? I certainly felt angry, right after i was done feeling sad.

Such a thing.....such a surprising painful thing, must be the result of my mental illness. I just don't see how someone i was so close to, could just walk by me like it was no big deal we haven't spoken in months and months. I must have gotten it wrong somehow. Maybe we weren't that close?

Why did it hurt as much as it did? Why was i as angry as i was? Am i really the victim. Was she passive aggresively assaulting me....... Or did i want this to happen. Did i make this happen?

One phrase that i've read about my condition that has really stood out for me is this: "thinks relationships are more important than they are" Or this: "thinks relationships are more intimate than they are".

Both of those sentences floored me. Even though they are basically just 2 ways of saying the same thing. My whole life seems to suggest that this is particularly true for me. Was this just another case of me thinking i had a deeper relationship with this person than i had. Which seems odd, because she said things....or did i just take them out of context because i wanted to hear them?

Another aspect of my messed up personality......is my masochistic or self-defeating features.......maybe we did have a relationship. Maybe the fact that we hadn't spoken in 5 months, changed her view of it. Maybe that's why we haven't spoken......maybe i wanted to have her react this way. Maybe we were just starting to have a real relationship and i stopped it before it could start.

Did i victimize her? Did i make her think she had this new guy in her life and then just as she started to feel safe with me, i hurt her? Not intentionally.....but because i had to, because she actually liked me and hurting her was the only way i could get her to stop. And being vague and clandestine about the way i went about hurting her, was the only way for me to not know it was happening or why i was doing it........because that's the only way i could end up here, feeling hurt. Which is what i wanted?

Do i really try and find the perfect way to ruin every relationship? Or do i just find a way to ruin the ones that matter to me? This one mattered to me.

DId it matter because i was delusional? Did it matter because I knew it could only fail? Did it matter because i needed it to matter, so it would hurt more when i screwed it up?

I don't know how to feel. Or if i should feel at all. She really hurt me today. Maybe i made her. Maybe i made her up.

Will i be angry tomorrow? Will i be sad? WIll i care at all? Or will this not matter at all until i see her again?

I feel better about it..........i feel better about it and i'm not so disappointed because i know that i did as much as i reasonably could to screw this relationship up. Whether by exaggerating its importance or by precipitating it's downfall. And certainly, by doing a lot of both.

It really hurt when she ran right past me. I haven't hurt like that in a long time. But that's over. That was delusional. That was me, clinging on to this idea that i had little or no role to play in what happened. Clearly that's not the case at all. Clearly i manipulated virtually all the events of our relationship so something like this could happen.

It's almost embarassing how frequently i lie to myself. I've lied to myself.

I can't lie about this anymore. I'm way more distrubed emotionally than i give myself credit for.