"testing" People

[snowman]

Don't know if I can explain this very well or not but here goes....

I "test" people......lots.

My hub- will he remember my docs appt? He rarely remembers.

My T today - will she remember it's my dads "death" anniversary tomorrow? Answer no.

I think I do it to see if they care enough about me to remember but, hey, they have their own lives, why should mine be that important?

And when they realise they forgot, they feel bad and sorry.

And I think, yeah I feel bad lots and now you feel how I feel.....

God I sound like such a bitch, sorry........

But does anyone else "test" people? Why do we do it?

I know I shouldn't do it but I always have......it's a hard habit to break.....

[BimoUK]

I do this all the time hun, and it's a dangerous behaviour to have if you let it run un-checked. I did this constantly with my girlfriend and she ultimately left me.

It's okay to want to know that people care about you, as long as you can keep that perspective that yes, they do have their own lives to deal with as well.

X

[piuma]

yes hun i do, although not so much now, sometimes i say nothing and think that people will some how miraculously know :unsure:

[toaster]

i have done this an lost a lot of ppl because of it. i dont think i do it as much now cuz i got sick and tired of fulfilling my fears - scared ppl would leave, so i'd test them to the end of their limits so then they would eventually leave, fulfilling all my fears...it took me a long time to recognise my behaviour but now i recognise it it is easier to manage and work on, and it could be the same for u and others, if u want to

*hugs to all*

toastie xx

[Peregrine]

Yep, do exactly the same - although I KNOW that it is as toastie says. I think it's borne out of insecurity and just to make sure that people still 'care' for us we test them. And to me it's sometimes almost like an addiction - once someone stood up to the test, I need to test even more, just to make sure! I'd love to grow out of it because it does put a limit onto how I deal with people, I'm not entirely free and feel I need to be in charge of the ropes. By the sounds of it you are definitely not on your own, but I still think it's something that should be tackled.

x

[Alaska_Grown]

I'm like Piuma... I don't say anything and expect people to know... I may say something to throw out hints that something they need to remember is coming up... and if they don't remember... BOOM here come the fits! And you are NOT a bitch luv... they just don't know how to deal with people as wonderful as we are! LOL!

[donnam]

yes i do that, like will ppl remember my birthday etc.

and i test new ppl by seeing if i tell them i have mh probs will they run a mile?

do it with hubby 2.

cad

[toaster]

yes i do that, like will ppl remember my birthday etc.

and i test new ppl by seeing if i tell them i have mh probs will they run a mile?

do it with hubby 2.

cad

i used to do this...tell ppl my life story to see their reaction.

it either culminated in that person not knowing what to say to me so me feeling rejected (but what could they say?!) or ppl taking advantage of my vulnerability. so now i keep quiet about it...not just for those reasons but because dont want my identity to be that of 'victim' or 'crazy person' - once upon a time i wanted that identity, being 'crazy' was all i was...it made me miserable tho. i want ppl to know ME first, not my past or my illness

((((cadance))))

[Saharah Blue]

I do it by constantly moving the bar higher, to a place that requires they practically twist into pretzels. I dangle the carrot of maybe if you're lucky I'll let you near me. I present being, "near me" as some great privilege. I want to be in control of my own rejections, and I want the chance to reject someone else first if I start to get scared.

But, I like what toasty wrote and I can see, wrote about sick of fulfilling your own fears. I think I am starting to finally open the door to this. I am tired of pushing.

Sah

[Booch]

I find myself testing my wife with serious things like will she give me the keys to the truck after I have proven to her I should not drive. She recently refused to give me the keys which is a good thing. Now I just have to figure out how to get around! :angry:

[pepsimeg]

I do it by constantly moving the bar higher, to a place that requires they practically twist into pretzels. I dangle the carrot of maybe if you're lucky I'll let you near me. I present being, "near me" as some great privilege. I want to be in control of my own rejections, and I want the chance to reject someone else first if I start to get scared.

This is exactly how it is for me too xxxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Don't know if I can explain this very well or not but here goes....

I "test" people......lots.

My hub- will he remember my docs appt? He rarely remembers.

My T today - will she remember it's my dads "death" anniversary tomorrow? Answer no.

I think I do it to see if they care enough about me to remember but, hey, they have their own lives, why should mine be that important?

And when they realise they forgot, they feel bad and sorry.

And I think, yeah I feel bad lots and now you feel how I feel.....

God I sound like such a bitch, sorry........

But does anyone else "test" people? Why do we do it?

I know I shouldn't do it but I always have......it's a hard habit to break.....

Hi snowman

Dont know if you have read the Schema Practitionares Guide, but if you go to THIS LINK and scan down to page 150, it lists all the schemas and the common ways people compensate, surrender to or avoid the schema emotions. 'Testing' people in this way is a reaction to a couple of the schemas so you may identify yourself in one of them. In Mistrust / Abuse, the person may test people continually to see if they can trust them. The downside to the schema is that the tests get ever more complex and affect ever more things, with each one carrying a heavier and heavier price tag. If the person fails the test, which eventually they will, then it triggers all those sensations of abandonment, mistrust and so on. There is a whole wealth of alternative choices available, but whilst trapped within the schema there is only the choices it gives you. Alternatives may sound naive, misinformed or even insulting because from the perspective of the schema, the behaviours are necessary and vital.

Ross

[snowman]

I agree it is schema led but breaking that cycle, not following the schema, acting as that elusive healthy adult.......it's so hard!!!

[Peregrine]

What Ross has written is really interesting!!! When we are close to people and feel that they understand us, we surely have tested them quite rigorously beforehand. Would it be a good idea to talk to these people about this issue and show honesty and a degree of transparency, or is it better to keep quiet. I know that this will be entirely up to every individual but I'm just interested to know what people think - I've been in email contact with someone and tested throughout and also went through phases of feeling that I've 'lost him' because of the way I behaved. But admitting to this almost stamps us as childish creatures? Yet, it would be honest?

[hummm_mabbe]

Glad it was intersting! Yes as you say snowman, breaking it is 5 million times harder than identifying it. Have you read a book called "Emotional Alchemy" by Tara Bennett Goleman? Its a book based on a cross between mindfulness and schema, and its one of the few titles out there that seems to make an attempt to describe what the process of change is like. In that book, she sees the ability to hold trigger, emotion, impulse and action all in full awareness as being key. Its not so much about "what to do about it", or trying to get rid of it or actually actively change it - its more about letting it all happen, but in the light of full awareness. That is, having all the usual tape loops and emotions do what they always do, but some part of you sits back and observes. Its frustrating that you effectively have to go through these painful loops over and again, but the more you repeat this process in full awareness, the stronger your ability to 'stay present' is. Gradually it comes to a point where you are freer to exercise choice in your action - or perhaps, as a result of awareness, some small part of you actually realises that nothing NEEDS to be done. This can be true when the feelings really are schema driven - that awareness can make you go "hang on - what I thought was happening, isnt", or suddenly the thing that would normally make you feel a certain way doesnt seem so powerful. You realise that it was the schema itself that was driving the emotion and as a result, the choices you seemed to have.

An example in mistrust could be that often you may feel people are looking down on you. The schema says that others are rejecting, hurtful and critical, and as a result of the schema, when someone looks at you, or says something abrupt, the emotions that erupt are anger, shame or hurt. You may feel your choices are for example, 1) say nothing but feel taken advantage of and angry, or perhaps rationalise or try to dismiss your feelings 2) give them a piece of your mind 3) feel depressed and low and worthless. Normally you might get caught in this cycle of trigger, emotion, choice of reaction. But with awareness, there may come a point where a small voice says "hang on, all he did was look at me - I dont know what that look meant at all", or perhaps "so he was being abrupt with me - ok that doesnt feel great, but maybe its his problem". These arent 'alternatives' that you make up like in CBT - they are a real emotional sense of that thing being a possibility (maybe not true, but a possibility). Its the awareness and the spacem in non action, that gives those things the chance to emerge. Then each time it arises, you do the same. As a result of the different feeling towards it all, new choices emerge because you have a new set of emotions from which to act. You are no longer confined by the three options the schema gave you, and as you make different choices, so different things can happen. Every schema will have its own version of all that.

Its not really that simple in practice, but thats the idea.

Ross

[donnam]

thanks for the hugs toaster much appreciated and wise words thank you

cad