Eating With Other People

[starryeyesee]

hi i talked to my T today about my attitude to food. this subject was triggered wednesday night by an incident with my boyfriend. He basically tried to give me a hug when i was eating.

When i am eating i hate to be touched, I don't talk i am completly concentrated on my food. this comes from stressful dinners with my family where my dad would start arguments and pick on my brother and i was forced to finish my plate- i couldn't leave the table until it was finished. usually after dinner i would walk the dog and buy a bag of chips or chocalate and make myself throw up.

later at college there was a boy who would stare at me while i was eating to the point i would leave the dining room often in tears.

the incident the other night completly triggered me. i didn't want to be touched after that by him, i couldn't stand his affection. he eventually went to bed alone.

I really want this relationship to work but i couldn't explain to him why i cannot be touched or talk when i'm eating....it seems so petty.

i just wanted to know if anyone else has this problem and is it some sort of eating disorder?

thanks

starry x

[Alaska_Grown]

Hi luv ((((STARRY)))) I don't think it is a form of eating disorder... my boyfriend is the same way... he will FLIP if I touch him in any form or matter while he is eating... It is not petty at all to tell him why you are that way... and if he finds it petty than I personally would say he is not worth your time..

[tiga]

If its a serious relationship i would talk to your boyfriend about it. He may understand? If not he may be wondering what he did wrong. Its not petty. There are reasons why you are feeling unable to be touched when you are eating as u explained. Have you ever discussed these with anyone? I dont know if it is an eating disorder only a dr can tell you. It does sound as though you are having probs though. What did your therapist say when you told them?

[Roses]

I don't know what it's classified as honey but whatever upsets you is imporatant and valid. I hate being looked at when I eat, can't stand it. I don't eat if I'm in this situation. It's not petty, it's important to you and if he cares enough he will hear you and validate you. I say give him a chance to be there for you and tell him hun. We are here for you and can support you xxx

[wordsmithy]

I prefer not to eat in front of people, I end up eating in secret if I have a choice.

My family are left with the impression that I rarely eat at all.

I do have a history of bulimia/EDNOS. I have heard that it is a common feature with people with eating disorders, but if a fear of eating in front of others exists in isolation, then it might not be (or part of an eating disorder).

But mind you I do suffer from social anxiety, I think in my case it might be a form of that as well as an eating issue in itself.

In my head, I think it's because I don't like people making judgements about what I eat, or how much I choose to eat.

When I was a kid I used to get punished if didn't eat exactly what I was given and had no choice about what we got to eat at all.

I guess being able to eat alone is about me putting me back in control of at least one part my father's rule.

[bellaboo]

I have a similiar way of reacting and am very sensitive to being looked at touched at that point in time when your eating,or that time being addressed in any manner, is it almost like if he touches you you suddenly wake up from a glaze you become aware that you are eating and your back in that place were you were being watched or in an uncomfortable environment? I am the same have had an ed and still to this day struggle to eat out and defo never with my family(dinner time was a negative and uncomfortable time and then was made worse by an ed) i avoid xmas with them because of this. Maybe just try and explain to your boyfriend exactly how you feel and you can work together to make that time as un disturbed and as positive as you can, if you dont wanna be touched whilst your eating i dont think there is anything wrong with that. take care and good luck

[Peregrine]

Stressful events in your past may have added to your current behaviour. I'm sorry you feel so stressed, Starry, and hope your boyfriend will be able to understand. I think it is important you talk to him, so he knows where the boundary is - it's important, although you might be afraid of him not understanding.

Hi luv ((((STARRY)))) I don't think it is a form of eating disorder... my boyfriend is the same way... he will FLIP if I touch him in any form or matter while he is eating... It is not petty at all to tell him why you are that way... and if he finds it petty than I personally would say he is not worth your time..

What Alaska_Grown has written about her boyfriend made me think of animals all of a sudden. (Not that he's an animal, sorry, AG) But what I am trying to say is that eating is a social thing but we still have some sort of animal within us. It might be a perfectly natural reaction to not wanting to be too close to anyone while eating, just so you get your fair share. And it seems as if other people are similar, with being stared at included. I hate it, too...and maybe we understand it subconsciously as aggressive behaviour.

[LetThemEatCake]

this sounds really difficult but if your boyfreind is a keeper, im sure he will understand and be sensative. to me it sounds like a perfectly reasonable response to the stress that you've been through with eating. its not so much to ask of him just to not touch you when your eating. Once you explain the problem to him it might feel easyer for you to have contact again becuase he will understand so wont be a threat.

I hope things work out for you, I only just signed up and read this at my 1st post but I want to give you a big hug (not when your eating though)

[starryeyesee]

hi and welcome!

thanks for your reply. Since this happened i have talked it through with him and with my therapist and things are loads better now. sometimes we eat our dinner in front of the tv or a movie so the distraction is somewhere else. i still feel apprehensive about eating with other people but i am more aware of my feelings and manage to keep it under control.

hope you find this forum as supportive and informative as i have

starry x

[LetThemEatCake]

thanks a lot starry, I hope so to, I'm struggeling to find help anywhere else.

[toaster]

hey starryeyesee

i think some of the stuff u mentioned may be ed related, like making yaself throw up but not wanting to be touched WHILST your eating seems like a perfectly reasonable request to me! the struggling to eat around others can be a problem yes if u allow it escalate or it interferes wif ur life - like, i couldnt eat in restaurants an stuff an in me therapy group it became 'normal' for me to be the one that didnt eat lunch. now what i do, anywhere im going to be spending eal times, like college, i make a point of making myself eat wif my classmates so it doesnt become my identity again - 'oh, louise never eats'...thats an identity i then hafta live up to if people stare , ill either stare right back or make out like im ignoring them. u can only see someone who is staring if u r looking at them me thinks. if u glance at them an u see them looking just dont look at them again.

but i wouldnt wanna be interrupted whilst im eating! the other person can bloody well wait til im finished!

im glad uve talked bout it wif ur t an bf tho xx