Felt Really Frustrated And Angry In Therapy Today

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi there

Yeah title says it really. Just had a session with my T, and it was like the whole way through I just felt this mounting sense of annoyance and anger. We were talking about something that has plagued me my whole life - being victimised at school and later work. Its stuff I have always found hard to talk about, and always felt frustrated and 'stuck' around anyway. Maybe that was part of it.

I cant really even put my finger on WHY i felt so angry. I felt like she didnt get it, didnt understand. I was trying to describe to her why it feels so difficult to face these things, why I feel so powerless, and it felt like she wasnt recognising that. In the end I got so frustrated that probably for the first time in therapy, my voice actually went up a couple of octaves and I really got irritated with her. She had actually said something nice I guess - she said that she didnt think I was all these bad things. I explained that these felings dont feel like something I have any voluntary control over, that I am not even sure if they feel they are 'part' of me - its more like they are another person living in there I have no power over. So it felt immaterial for her to say she thought I was good or nice or whatever, because it felt like "It doesnt matter what you think of me, 'he' will do what he wants". I compared it to talking to a bulldog owner, whose dog has a habit of going for people or being out of control. It would be like saying "I know you are good person" to the person, and thinking that will somehow affect how the dog behaves. I was trying to somehow express to her that my 'bulldog' is the problem.

That probably paints the wrong picture about those feelings. I am the very opposite of a bulldog, and actually have problems with stuffing my anger. The animal analogy was just to convey that I feel I have no control over it, and I probably wouldnt even have come up with it if I hadnt felt so annoyed. My 'bulldog' is more feelings of being overwhelmingly anxious, powerless, defeated and weak, and the parts of myself that seem to trigger the victimisation. So like I said, not very bulldog-like.

I dont know. It sort of feels like progress that I actually dared to express my frustration, but nonetheless I do feel frustrated.

[Saharah Blue]

I feel this way too, when I am rationally explaining my irrational thoughts and feelings, its like all I need is a flow chart too boot. It feels like you get that look from them that says, "well clearly, you are able to pinpoint and articulate, so it must not be as bad as all that".

I can't ever decided if or when it is okay to lose control, tears are safe, but what about the rest?

Sah

[hummm_mabbe]

I feel this way too, when I am rationally explaining my irrational thoughts and feelings, its like all I need is a flow chart too boot. It feels like you get that look from them that says, "well clearly, you are able to pinpoint and articulate, so it must not be as bad as all that".

I can't ever decided if or when it is okay to lose control, tears are safe, but what about the rest?

Sah

Yeah exactly - I could actually feel a sense of rage starting to mount, I just wanted to shout at her. It felt like she wasnt spending any time just exploring what I was saying and feeling, like it all moved to interpretation and solution too quickly. Because I felt she hadnt understood, the suggestions felt like slaps in the face - like "If you really understood how this feels, you wouldnt say that".

She did actually ask me if I was angry because it felt like she didnt get it, and I said yes. But I sort of struggled to figure out what i actually wanted. I think I just wanted to be 'teased out' a little more.

Sigh

[Saharah Blue]

I think it is one of the few times being calm and logical, actually work against us. I get livid because, I think that my T should know with my past background, just how much I am struggling.

I feel the only way I do get taken seriously and not just dismissed or over looked it to make a raging production of it, but I stay frustrated because I truly don't believe that is the answer, eventually, it all boils to the surface weeks later when I reach explosion point,

I want to scream, do you think I like having to feel this way, to live this way? Then I am looked at as having temper.

This is where loving kindness meditation, is helping me to learn to bridge the gap, tiny tiny bit. It actually, soothes my anger, so I breathe my heart. (((Ross)))

Sah

[hummm_mabbe]

I think it is one of the few times being calm and logical, actually work against us. I get livid because, I think that my T should know with my past background, just how much I am struggling.

I feel the only way I do get taken seriously and not just dismissed or over looked it to make a raging production of it, but I stay frustrated because I truly don't believe that is the answer, eventually, it all boils to the surface weeks later when I reach explosion point,

I want to scream, do you think I like having to feel this way, to live this way? Then I am looked at as having temper.

I think this is where loving kindness meditation, is helping me to learn to bridge the gap, tiny tiny bit. It actually, soothes my anger, so I breathe my heart. (((Ross)))

Sah

I actually feel better for having expressed it. Normally I keep such a tight lid on it all, and wont express it, or express it in such a sanitised way. I rarely allow myself to actually 'feel into it', and I think today, for the first time, I actually allowed myself to experiecne 'expressed anger'. Its weird, because that actually feels like progress - we have been trying to get me to stop stuffing it all away for ages.

Its a double edged sword I guess - on the one hand its good I expressed it, on the other its bad that i feel I am not understood. But its all grist for the mill I suppose. In some ways I wish I had the 'usual' anger problem of expressing it too much. This really is where I am definitely not like the stereotype of BPD - I chronically repress and deny all my anger, very rarely have arguments. I let people walk all over me essentially, and try to convince myself its the 'calm and rational' thing to do. Its not - I am just terrified that if I get angry with someone, they will kick my ass. That can be face to face, online, anything. So in that respect, I guess today was movement, I just feel very amibivalent about it all.

Ross

[Saharah Blue]

I think you should pat yourself on back, it is progress yay

Kicking off isn't really being assertive though, and the aftermath of cleaning up feels just as yucky as holding it all in. And its twice the work for making the drama.

Sah

[Roses]

I'm afraid I haven't managed to read all of this but I wanted to say I'm sorry you feel frustrated but I'm glad at the same time you managed to let your inner feelings out. xxx

[catsmother21]

(((hummm-mabbe))) sorry bit worn out after my day but wanted to send you some hugs and sorry that you've been left feeling frustrated xx

[starryeyesee]

hi ross

sorry therapy was so difficult for you today. The relationship with a therapist is really difficult. I always try to be polite to my T and hold off the tears but when i feel angry i try to block it out which doesn't help the therapy session. I too feel that my therapist isn't understanding me sometimes and it can be really frustrating. maybe this is something you could talk about next session. Be nice to yourself tonight and the next few days.

starry x

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi guys

Thanks for the words of support Yeah in a way it feels like something has moved on inside me, so perhaps this was a necessary thing that needed to happen. I do keep having 'flashes' of remembering it - whenever I get angry with anyone, its like it hanuts me because some part of me is afraid of what the effect will be. So its like one part of me is happy I opened my mouth, another part feels a bit scared of what it might mean. I guess I am learning that its ok to get annoyed sometimes, and that maybe feeling angry with someone isnt the massive deal that I currently feel it is. Will see what happens in next few weeks :)

[catsmother21]

Morning Ross

I have a huge difficulty with allowing myself to be angry but that's because I was never allowed to get angry when I was a child - I was always told it was very wrong but everyone else was allowed to be angry.

If I am feeling legitimate anger, it makes me feel really bad - I hate it and obsess over it because I can't normally let it out and if I do I feel absolutely dreadful afterwards.

Also, I am learning that getting angry is OK and healthy.

Hugs CM xx

[Miko]

I was victimised as a child mainly by other children, also neglected by the professions.

These things that have been done to us are existential and they have a meaning. We know suffering and can empathise with others who know suffering.

We live in a world where evil exists and evil is often done to children.

It's only now in middle age that I can "accept" my history to some extent.

I think it will come to you in time but meantime I think you should try & have clear goals for your therapy sessions. Rather than "cope with your feelings", cope with the actual events. People did what they did to you because that was what they were like at the time. Feelings will follow coping. You will have compassion on the young person you were, undergoing what you were undergoing.

At least your T seems to know how not to lose it if you have minor frictions. You may be right that it is no big deal.

[roxy222]

when i was in t one of the things that really irritated me was that i would say what an absolute mess i felt, how damaged, how tainted, and although he acknowledged these feelings, and validated them to an extent he would also finish up on how well i have survived considering, how much of my life i have put together and balanced despite such truama, what a reasonable perspective i have on life, so much insight self awareness blah blah blah etc etc

i felt hugely shut down by this, and have done when friends have responded in similar ways.

but, i think, what was going on was not to do with his response but more with what it triggered in me.

when i spoke about the extreeme fear i have of my mother i would crumble to this mess of a girl, crying hysterically and mumbling and child like in speach. i felt hugely heard and supported at these times (which was massively healing). but when i spoke about how i feel i have been ruined by my past, how trapped i feel by such truama, i would be calm, emotionless, flat, and i think what i found triggering was that this is a part of who i am that i still do not respond to in a welcoming way, i do not actively feel or experience this hurt carried by this, i do not let it overwhelm me even though i feel overwhelmed by it inside. for me, it wasnt that he didnt give these feelings enough time or recognition or validation, it was that i still was not doing so, and because i wasnt ready to see that i felt it as coming from him, like a kind of transference. maybe your sit is similar.

[hummm_mabbe]

when i was in t one of the things that really irritated me was that i would say what an absolute mess i felt, how damaged, how tainted, and although he acknowledged these feelings, and validated them to an extent he would also finish up on how well i have survived considering, how much of my life i have put together and balanced despite such truama, what a reasonable perspective i have on life, so much insight self awareness blah blah blah etc etc

i felt hugely shut down by this, and have done when friends have responded in similar ways.

but, i think, what was going on was not to do with his response but more with what it triggered in me.

when i spoke about the extreeme fear i have of my mother i would crumble to this mess of a girl, crying hysterically and mumbling and child like in speach. i felt hugely heard and supported at these times (which was massively healing). but when i spoke about how i feel i have been ruined by my past, how trapped i feel by such truama, i would be calm, emotionless, flat, and i think what i found triggering was that this is a part of who i am that i still do not respond to in a welcoming way, i do not actively feel or experience this hurt carried by this, i do not let it overwhelm me even though i feel overwhelmed by it inside. for me, it wasnt that he didnt give these feelings enough time or recognition or validation, it was that i still was not doing so, and because i wasnt ready to see that i felt it as coming from him, like a kind of transference. maybe your sit is similar.

Could be. I was talking about something that has been chronically invalidated throughout my past, which is this constant cropping up of being on the receiving end of peer abuse in school and later, work situations. I tended to keep it to myself, because it was always universally the one thing that if I tried to talk about it, it would be treated with contempt. I guess I was already on high alert for that, and all i wanted was for her to accept that was what I was feeling. I didnt want any reassurance or ideas on what to do, interpretations or anything like that. I just wanted someone to show that they understood how important those feelings were to me, to spend just one session with that. Then I would have been happy to go on - all I want is to know that my therapist is at least on the same page as me, before they try to turn to the next chapter.

[Saharah Blue]

I don't think that is too much to want to ask or hope for, my appointment this week turned into 2-1/2 hrs of arguing because of this very topic and this idea of needing to spend some time with the feelings and their value, rather than skip to the resolution.

We we both really irritable and I have almost never been able to ruffle my Dr. feathers. So, I am with you on this one this week Ross. Reading reading this post and the one on anger, just rings so true for me right now too.

At least now I know that is what I was really wanting so I can take that to my next appointment and ask my Dr. why he feels he is not able to either do this or recognize this after so many years. Hardly seems like a secret expectation, but maybe it is?

Sah

[hummm_mabbe]

I don't think that is too much to want to ask or hope for, my appointment this week turned into 2-1/2 hrs of arguing because of this very topic and this idea of needing to spend some time with the feelings and their value, rather than skip to the resolution.

We we both really irritable and I have almost never been able to ruffle my Dr. feathers. So, I am with you on this one this week Ross. Reading reading this post and the one on anger, just rings so true for me right now too.

At least now I know that is what I was really wanting so I can take that to my next appointment and ask my Dr. why he feels he is not able to either do this or recognize this after so many years. Hardly seems like a secret expectation, but maybe it is?

Sah

Thats the interesting thing. This has come up a few times, and its taken me a long time to even figure out why I felt angry and what I actually wanted. My therapist has even asked that - what is it you are needing at that moment that feels missing? I never really knew, I just felt angry without knowing why. I think as Ive got closer to knowing the answer to that, so I have actually started expressing that irritation. Its like when you dont know why you are angry, it feels somehow silly to get angry. Once you know what it is, you dont feel quite so flummoxed. But it is bizarre to recognise emotions in myself I dont understand.

Ta for message of supportey :)

[angel tears]

Hiya

Sometimes i get angry in group therapy because i have taken some very hard stuff into the group and the subject gets changed by another member, i dont even get anything back sometimes as validation etc and it makes me soooo angry. I have stormed out of the room once or twice, even swearing at my t which i apologised for doing . Its just nice sometimes when we can be listened to, get right into the heart of how we feel and sit there for a while. That in itself is very healing ((((everyone)))) xxx

[Saharah Blue]

Ta for message of supportey

Thank you for the support too. I even managed to call my Dr. and apologize and work through what I was needing in the session, only after working it out in this thread for myself first. He actually apologized to me for not being supportive to just sit and listen. WOW, a first in my book. I think I am learning how to be more assertive with my needs, third time in a week!

yay,

Sah

[roxy222]

when i was in t one of the things that really irritated me was that i would say what an absolute mess i felt, how damaged, how tainted, and although he acknowledged these feelings, and validated them to an extent he would also finish up on how well i have survived considering, how much of my life i have put together and balanced despite such truama, what a reasonable perspective i have on life, so much insight self awareness blah blah blah etc etc

i felt hugely shut down by this, and have done when friends have responded in similar ways.

but, i think, what was going on was not to do with his response but more with what it triggered in me.

when i spoke about the extreeme fear i have of my mother i would crumble to this mess of a girl, crying hysterically and mumbling and child like in speach. i felt hugely heard and supported at these times (which was massively healing). but when i spoke about how i feel i have been ruined by my past, how trapped i feel by such truama, i would be calm, emotionless, flat, and i think what i found triggering was that this is a part of who i am that i still do not respond to in a welcoming way, i do not actively feel or experience this hurt carried by this, i do not let it overwhelm me even though i feel overwhelmed by it inside. for me, it wasnt that he didnt give these feelings enough time or recognition or validation, it was that i still was not doing so, and because i wasnt ready to see that i felt it as coming from him, like a kind of transference. maybe your sit is similar.

Could be. I was talking about something that has been chronically invalidated throughout my past, which is this constant cropping up of being on the receiving end of peer abuse in school and later, work situations. I tended to keep it to myself, because it was always universally the one thing that if I tried to talk about it, it would be treated with contempt. I guess I was already on high alert for that, and all i wanted was for her to accept that was what I was feeling. I didnt want any reassurance or ideas on what to do, interpretations or anything like that. I just wanted someone to show that they understood how important those feelings were to me, to spend just one session with that. Then I would have been happy to go on - all I want is to know that my therapist is at least on the same page as me, before they try to turn to the next chapter.

but maybe the way you are communicating that to t is in a way that would encourage responses of reasuarnce etc, all the stuff you dont want, because your still not ready to accept understanding cause your not understanding or validating these feelings yoruself. maybe its not t thats on different page, but conflicting feelings insdie of you creating that feeling.

iv discovered its alot easier to feel wholey compassionate about 'old' stuff, the stuff that follows us in to adult hood is alot harder, more conflicting, because ofcourse when we are adult we also bear some responsibility for it all, or atleast thats how it feels. i can feel utterly the pain of the inner child hurting, be entirely on her side, but its much harder to have such straightforward feelings about the damage that has been left as an adult. if the bullyng has followed you into adult workplaces then on some level its likely you have conflicting feelings towards yourself regrading this, because its automatic to feel on some level that as you were an adult you bear some blame, and maybe its those conflicting feelings, and how you feel towards them, coming into play and afecting how you relate this in t, and therefore how t responds. even if it is directly ts response then maybe these conflicting feelings are effecting how you then communicate upset and unheard feelings to t? when we have resolved how we feel about a certain issue we can express that to others in a way that gets out feelings heard and validated in a much more effective way, maybe if you work on that then you will find it easier to express your feelings in a way that does tham justice rather than being defensive.

[hummm_mabbe]

but maybe the way you are communicating that to t is in a way that would encourage responses of reasuarnce etc, all the stuff you dont want, because your still not ready to accept understanding cause your not understanding or validating these feelings yoruself. maybe its not t thats on different page, but conflicting feelings insdie of you creating that feeling.

iv discovered its alot easier to feel wholey compassionate about 'old' stuff, the stuff that follows us in to adult hood is alot harder, more conflicting, because ofcourse when we are adult we also bear some responsibility for it all, or atleast thats how it feels. i can feel utterly the pain of the inner child hurting, be entirely on her side, but its much harder to have such straightforward feelings about the damage that has been left as an adult. if the bullyng has followed you into adult workplaces then on some level its likely you have conflicting feelings towards yourself regrading this, because its automatic to feel on some level that as you were an adult you bear some blame, and maybe its those conflicting feelings, and how you feel towards them, coming into play and afecting how you relate this in t, and therefore how t responds. even if it is directly ts response then maybe these conflicting feelings are effecting how you then communicate upset and unheard feelings to t? when we have resolved how we feel about a certain issue we can express that to others in a way that gets out feelings heard and validated in a much more effective way, maybe if you work on that then you will find it easier to express your feelings in a way that does tham justice rather than being defensive.

There may be some truth in what you are saying, but to be honest its anger thats topmost in my mind and its going to be difficult for me to have a calm view of it all until I have worked that through, otherwise Im just ignoring my real feelings. The answer is not yet more intellectual understanding of why I feel what I feel - its just to feel whatever it is thats going on. To be honest Im pretty fed up with running scared of saying anything critical just in case im wrong and alienate my therapist. Appreciate your input though.

[roxy222]

then experiencing anger would be a good thing for you