addy2 Posted October 20, 2010 Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 Its a year today since i was raped and i feel nothing, that scares me, i had it all planned out, today was the day i was going to show everyone how hurt i am feeling and that i've had enough, i have the alochol and the medication all i need now is the motivation, but where has it gone, it had to be today. I don't understand why i feel nothing i am tired and i don't care, maybe the whole year made up for what i should be feeling today, but no doubt when i haven't everything planned out i will want to go then. Typical of me for nothing to work out the way i wanted, no tears, no depression, no flashbacks, memories, just a bit of anxiety, i really am mad, i should be feeling something, shouldn't i? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slit Posted October 20, 2010 Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 I am don't think so we are all different. I am sorry you have been through this but glad to read you are ok today even though you didn't expect to be. Today must be horrible for you and you are strong for not acting out your pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman Posted October 20, 2010 Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 sorry you have such pain - are you getting any support or help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 I called my social worker today twice before i got her, she doesn't understand either she keeps telling me how well i am doing, but i don't feel it i want to scream, she made me promise to keep myself safe and call her in the morning, all the time i am thinking i could tell you anything and you believe me don't you see that i am in pain. I know there isn't alot she can do either its my pain, i told her i had method and a means but no intent, she offered me hospital but i said no, she wanted to call my partner but i said no as well, i don't know what i want actually i am all confused, and then there is tonight, i am planning in my head what i will do but who knows and if i don;t call her in the morning then she will feel bad for not helping me.Sometimes i just want to disappear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slit Posted October 20, 2010 Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 It is hard no one can see your pain but it is real please stay safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 I am trying its hard though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slit Posted October 20, 2010 Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 I think you are very brave all you can do is try and you have done well today even though it must be horrible for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 It is, this time last year i was at the police station, feeling numb then too, but i remember it all so clearly, then the days that followed were terrible and the months and the suicide attempts there is so much that goes with it, just better not to allow it in. I don't think i will get much sleep tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted October 21, 2010 Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 Hiya addy ((((addy)))), i am so sorry that this happened to you, it is such a traumatic thing to happen, i have been through it too and i have felt numb about it for a long time hun, i think that our brains are protecting us from the trauma, its a natural response. I think that you are being so brave hun and i do understand how you feel. I was raped 15 years ago and i still have numbness from it. Very slowly i have seen it in flashback and sometimes i have nightmares. I think that i have cried only afew times and i cant make the feelings come out either. Its so frustrating because i want to heal from it but maybe this is the way it has to be until we are truelly able to cope with it...... I am around if you ever need to talk hun. Please take care and be gentle to yourself. You are a survivor and so very strong. Never forget that hun ((((addy)))) xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 Hi, Angeltears, thankyou, sorry to hear you feel this way too. I am supposed to call my social worker this morning but i am afraid to because i feel terrible and if i tell her the truth she will put me in hospital, i don't think i will ever recover from this, too much has happened. Thankyou for your kind words and i know i am in no way ready to deal with this. My therapist has tried trauma therapy but it was too much and it was never finished, he is afraid to go back in there i didn't react too well to it. I don't know how to cope with this anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILostHer Posted October 21, 2010 Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 i think that our brains are protecting us from the trauma, its a natural response. I think that you are being so brave hun and i do understand how you feel. Angel tears, I believe is right, I think it's a natural protection that our brains shut off from the trauma. I also have been raped, 5 years ago and I still feel nothing. Felt nothing at the time either, when everyone else was crying around me. The conflicting feelings are difficult to cope with and I am sorry that you are suffering, I understand you are scared to talk to someone, but you know that those people are on the end of a phone if you do want to talk to them. You said you know what you are planning, if it is something that could put you in danger please ask for help. I don't really know what to say because I never dealt with mine, but I am just sorry that this happened to you and that I hope you have/accept the support to help you through it.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 I am sorry you expereinced this too the world is full of sick people who should be locked up. I have alot of things i never dealt with starting in my childhood but my mind won't let me, instead i am anxious and panic all the time, my therapist said they are coping mechanisms, well i would prefer to be without them. He said i panic because all my emotions are unregulated, see too much to deal with. I hope some day you will be able to get help for what happened to you. Yes what i am planning is dangerous but i feel they aren't listening to me, i am meeting my social worker today but she doesn't understand. I hate this feeling i feel like i'm lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted October 21, 2010 Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 ((((((((addy)))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILostHer Posted October 21, 2010 Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 I am sorry you expereinced this too the world is full of sick people who should be locked up. I have alot of things i never dealt with starting in my childhood but my mind won't let me, instead i am anxious and panic all the time, my therapist said they are coping mechanisms, well i would prefer to be without them. He said i panic because all my emotions are unregulated, see too much to deal with. I hope some day you will be able to get help for what happened to you. Yes what i am planning is dangerous but i feel they aren't listening to me, i am meeting my social worker today but she doesn't understand. I hate this feeling i feel like i'm lost. Let us know how you get on with your social worker. I hope you are able to tell her what you are planning. I agree with everything you've said but am worried for you. I completely understand the panic and anxiety daily, it's horrible and I don't think they can fully empathize unless they have it too (The doc's, social workers) Please don't hurt yourself. Could you not come and talk to us instead, this evening? Plenty of people here feel the same or experienced the same so plenty of people to listen to you and help you through the evening? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted October 21, 2010 Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 you will get through this hun ((((addy)))), you are strong and brave like i said. I know how raw the pain is hun. Dont forget to pm me if you ever need support xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 Thankyou everyone, i was so tired after meeting with my social worker i made dinner and went to be i only got up at 9pm, i feel so depressed. My social worker was good, she knew i wasn't telling her all, she mentioned hospital but she knows i hate it there so she said she knows i can be sensible and she is trusting me, i told her sometimes i wish she didn't trust me. She will call me again in the morning. I have tried to block everything out but i am feeling very scared and anxious and still planning my escape, my social worker asked me to throw out all the stuff i have, tablets and stuff but i still have them for now. Feeling it will be along night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted October 21, 2010 Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 ((((addy)))) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILostHer Posted October 22, 2010 Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 Thankyou everyone, i was so tired after meeting with my social worker i made dinner and went to be i only got up at 9pm, i feel so depressed. My social worker was good, she knew i wasn't telling her all, she mentioned hospital but she knows i hate it there so she said she knows i can be sensible and she is trusting me, i told her sometimes i wish she didn't trust me. She will call me again in the morning. I have tried to block everything out but i am feeling very scared and anxious and still planning my escape, my social worker asked me to throw out all the stuff i have, tablets and stuff but i still have them for now. Feeling it will be along night. I hope you are ok this morning, and I really hope you threw all the stuff away. Thinking of you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 I am a bit better, still really tired though, i never threw the stuff away although my social worker was telling me too, maybe later i will. My mood changes quite alot and quickly so i never know how i will feel and might want it again. Thanks for asking how i am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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