Internet Drugs And Alcohol

[6of9]

Hi,

I'm new here. I just searched Google for 'mental health forums' and found this one.

To cut to the chase, I have depression/anxiety/OCD problems going back to my childhood. Recently this has all come back to haunt me after roughly three years of being pretty stable. I spend most of the day in bed, have been signed off work for the last six weeks etc etc.

I know it's wrong, but a friend of mine gave me 2 of his 5mg Diazapam tablets. God, did they work...it was like heaven. I'm on 150mg of Sertraline and 160mg of slow release Propranolol. I also take 10mg of Zolpidem to help me sleep but have got to the point where I have to take 3 of these to sleep at all. I've used alcohol as a crutch in the past and swore I'd never go down that route again. I recently had a traumatic relationship breakdown and in the main this was because she was an aggressive alcoholic and had an eating disorder. On 1st August I decided I'd go the rest of the year without drinking at all. I lasted until last week and now I'm on two bottles of wine a night. Out of desperation I've ordered 90 10mg Diazapam tablets from an online pharmacy. I know this is wrong. I'm an intelligent person and know the risks...but still I've done it. I don't know what to do? I feel I'm almost spiralling into some kind of drug addiction. I chastised my ex for drinking so much and I stopped because of that...now I'm just as bad.

Just needed to share this with people who may understand?

Thanks for listening.

[bereft]

I order all my meds off the internet - it's the only way I can afford them. But, I have my doctor's approval. However, I take more of one of them than I'm supposed to - it's a stimulant. And I drink on top of all of them. It's probably not quite as dangerous as taking Diazepam and drinking alcohol. I think many of us here self-medicate. We could feel guilty about it - or we could blame our docs for not taking adequate care of us! I don't know what you can do, because I don't live in your country. Maybe someone else can help you with that. It does sound dangerous though, so I hope you can do something before you cause yourself permanent damage (or worse). I wish I could help. I will listen to you, though! (((hugs)))

[6of9]

I order all my meds off the internet - it's the only way I can afford them. But, I have my doctor's approval. However, I take more of one of them than I'm supposed to - it's a stimulant. And I drink on top of all of them. It's probably not quite as dangerous as taking Diazepam and drinking alcohol. I think many of us here self-medicate. We could feel guilty about it - or we could blame our docs for not taking adequate care of us! I don't know what you can do, because I don't live in your country. Maybe someone else can help you with that. It does sound dangerous though, so I hope you can do something before you cause yourself permanent damage (or worse). I wish I could help. I will listen to you, though! (((hugs)))

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I know that what I'm doing is wreckless...irresponsible...stupid even...but I'm desperate. I just want something that will take away the pain I feel. Thank you for saying that you wish you could help. I know how easy it is to say that and not mean it...but I know that you do. What country are you in then? The health service here is okay...until it comes to mental health. Then it's just referral after referral...constantly having to tell your story from the beginning over and over. I just got referred to psychological services...and had to fill in a ten-page 'pre-assessment' form...giving information I've given countless times before.

Sorry if I sound very negative...I just don't see any positives.

Thank you 'bereft'...even taking a minute out of your own life to reply to me means alot x

[Data]

Drugs bought online could contain anything.. sugar, starch, beeswax, floor polish....

[bereft]

Sure - glad to listen. I'm in New Zealand. I'm just a visitor to New Zealand though, I'm originally from the U.S. That means I'm not eligible for their health care. I just assumed you are in the the UK, because a lot of people here are. I shouldn't do that, though, because your profile doesn't say that. There was a time when I took tons of tranquilizers to take away the pain. It really didn't help much in the long run, though. Therapists always told me, "Alcohol will make your depression worse". Well, sometimes it does, but sometimes it's numbing, too. You don't need to apologise for sounding negative - that's the depression. I hope the psychological services can help you out. Therapists have been a big help to me over the years. I hope yours will help you.

[toaster]

if i had the money i would order offline

however...

my gf ordered valiums and diazapams offline and they were fake. she paid a lot for these pills and they were fake. she took an entire pack and felt nothing.

a doctor should be prescribing

i do know the urge tho. im an addict and always will be, whether or not i indulge myself. that NEED to take myself away from myself...to be numb, or to be happy, spaced out, not here, euphoric - anything other than the cesspit of despair and desperation we're in

i hope u find some sort of peace, even just a bit

toast xx

[6of9]

Sure - glad to listen. I'm in New Zealand. I'm just a visitor to New Zealand though, I'm originally from the U.S. That means I'm not eligible for their health care. I just assumed you are in the the UK, because a lot of people here are. I shouldn't do that, though, because your profile doesn't say that. There was a time when I took tons of tranquilizers to take away the pain. It really didn't help much in the long run, though. Therapists always told me, "Alcohol will make your depression worse". Well, sometimes it does, but sometimes it's numbing, too. You don't need to apologise for sounding negative - that's the depression. I hope the psychological services can help you out. Therapists have been a big help to me over the years. I hope yours will help you.

Thank you...hope to keep in touch. You have helped. x

[6of9]

if i had the money i would order offline

however...

my gf ordered valiums and diazapams offline and they were fake. she paid a lot for these pills and they were fake. she took an entire pack and felt nothing.

a doctor should be prescribing

i do know the urge tho. im an addict and always will be, whether or not i indulge myself. that NEED to take myself away from myself...to be numb, or to be happy, spaced out, not here, euphoric - anything other than the cesspit of despair and desperation we're in

i hope u find some sort of peace, even just a bit

toast xx

Ordered "offline"...do you mean 'online' or is there somewhere you can order that isn't web-based?

[toaster]

if i had the money i would order offline

however...

my gf ordered valiums and diazapams offline and they were fake. she paid a lot for these pills and they were fake. she took an entire pack and felt nothing.

a doctor should be prescribing

i do know the urge tho. im an addict and always will be, whether or not i indulge myself. that NEED to take myself away from myself...to be numb, or to be happy, spaced out, not here, euphoric - anything other than the cesspit of despair and desperation we're in

i hope u find some sort of peace, even just a bit

toast xx

Ordered "offline"...do you mean 'online' or is there somewhere you can order that isn't web-based?

sorry - yes i meant online, or 'off 'line' :blink:

[successful_workthru]

Hi 6of9

Welcome to the forums.

I am sorry your issues have come back to haunt you after a period of stability. I too spend most of the day in bed, sometimes, but it is not good for us, it only makes things worse.

I also take 10mg of Zolpidem to help me sleep but have got to the point where I have to take 3 of these to sleep at all.

I really dont want to scare you, but as a diazepam addict I feel it is my responsibility to say this.

The reason you are having to take 3 zolpidem instead of 2 is because you have formed a tolerance. Zolpidem and diazepam are cross tolerant.

Can you tell me how long you have been using zolpidem? and how many? I ask this because you may have formed a dependence, and coming off zolpidem suddenly could be very dangerous for you. You may need specialist help with coming off the zolpidem. Battle Against Tranquilisers (BAT)are an organisation that can help you. They even offer post graduate training to doctors regarding sleeper/tranquiliser addiction. Sleepers and tranquillisers both act on the GABA receptors, as does alcohol, so there is a chance that the alcohol is making you feel worse, but possibly giving you the illusion you feel better. I would phone BAT as your first course of action. They are very nice, non judgemental and know their stuff. I have had personal experience of them. Here are the contact details.

Don't beat yourself up about using alcohol, but at the same time, I would stop using it. I think you can detox safely, but I cannot remember if you cut by 2 units a day, or two units a week. An alcohol helpline should be able to tell you.

Sorry you had a traumatic relationship breakdown.

About the diazepam you ordered, have you started taking them? if so, how long and how often?

You have shown your intelligence by posting here. Intelligent people do things and know the risks, so be kind to yourself.

As for what to do, get on the phone to BAT and tell them what you have told us. They will offer expert, helpful and friendly guidance. Tell them that you want to be tranquiliser free, and tell them everything you have told us. They deal with prescription tranuiliser users, and also non prescription tranquiliser users, so they have dealt with many in your situation, as they have been running for 25yrs or over.

I hope this post helps you.

love

SW

[lilmomo]

Hi, I have been in your position because I used to order benzo's and then generic ritalin online. I paid a crap-ton of money and risked getting busted by the authorities every time. The worst thing is I took too many xanax too often with the first shipment and when I stopped I got awful withdrawal. It's not worth it. Take care of yourself (((hugs)))

[6of9]

Bless you all for your replies. To just even take one minute out of your own lives to offer advice to a complete stranger makes all of you heroes in my eyes.

I have managed to get hold of diazepam...by deception. I started off on 2mg...then 5mg...and now up to 10mg...always before bedtime. I know it's wrong, I know in my heart and soul. It's all I can do to escape the pain right now though. I'm scared I'm already becoming addicted...but I enjoy the relief diazepam gives me.

What should I do?

I'm at a point where I don't care. I'd take anything as long as it takes away the pain. If I knew I would go to heaven, I'd just put an end to it all. The only thing that stops me is the 1% of me that thinks there may be a hell...and that I'll feel this way for eternity.

You are all angels...thank you x

[bereft]

Bless you all for your replies. To just even take one minute out of your own lives to offer advice to a complete stranger makes all of you heroes in my eyes.

I have managed to get hold of diazepam...by deception. I started off on 2mg...then 5mg...and now up to 10mg...always before bedtime. I know it's wrong, I know in my heart and soul. It's all I can do to escape the pain right now though. I'm scared I'm already becoming addicted...but I enjoy the relief diazepam gives me.

What should I do?

I'm at a point where I don't care. I'd take anything as long as it takes away the pain. If I knew I would go to heaven, I'd just put an end to it all. The only thing that stops me is the 1% of me that thinks there may be a hell...and that I'll feel this way for eternity.

You are all angels...thank you x

Haven't seen you around lately - was wondering how you were doing. Glad you are still with us!

[6of9]

Bless you all for your replies. To just even take one minute out of your own lives to offer advice to a complete stranger makes all of you heroes in my eyes.

I have managed to get hold of diazepam...by deception. I started off on 2mg...then 5mg...and now up to 10mg...always before bedtime. I know it's wrong, I know in my heart and soul. It's all I can do to escape the pain right now though. I'm scared I'm already becoming addicted...but I enjoy the relief diazepam gives me.

What should I do?

I'm at a point where I don't care. I'd take anything as long as it takes away the pain. If I knew I would go to heaven, I'd just put an end to it all. The only thing that stops me is the 1% of me that thinks there may be a hell...and that I'll feel this way for eternity.

You are all angels...thank you x

Haven't seen you around lately - was wondering how you were doing. Glad you are still with us!

Good to know someone out there cares...thank you so much.

[successful_workthru]

6of9

The fact that you have upped your diazepam dose indicates that you have developed a tolerance.

Diazepam wont help you escape the pain, but it will cause more of the same.

It's only meant to be used short-term, then it turns on you. The relief that diazepam is giving you is only short term.

What should I do?

Give Battle against Tranquilisers a call, and tell them how long you have been using diazepam and all other drugs you are on. That is the best start you can make.

I'm at a point where I don't care.

Diazepam can make us feel like this, it can have adverse psych effects on us.

Your goal is to get so that you do care.

I'd take anything as long as it takes away the pain.

No drug takes away the pain, it only postpones it.

If I knew I would go to heaven, I'd just put an end to it all.

Believe me, I know how you feel. You need to focus on wanting to stay alive.

Please, make that first step, by phoning battle against tranquilisers, and finding out if you have formed a dependency, as mentioned in my post above.

It is the only positive way though, but if you do it, you will get through.

love

SWx

[sanctuary]

been through packets and packets of zopicolne online...... never faced it as drug addiction because what I was going through was soooo fucking bad I took charge and did the best I knew how to do..... I guessed if I slept for 3 months, I couldn't hurt anyone or myself.... it was a terrible thing to do in reflection, I was purely addicted but believe me, if I had been able to get hold of diazepam I would probably have got on better.... zopiclone in huge amounts made me piss blood and experience rebound insomnia of such magnitude I was delirous, proper mental.

Diazepam mght have helped me deal but I would have equally become and abuser of that too....pls, be careful, overdosing regularly on serious prescritption drugs is a serious issue... no doubt at all your life is equally a serious issue. I can only hope you appreciate yourself for trying to help yourself... life is hard and we have to make decisions to avoid mkaing life any worse... just weigh up carefully the pro's and con's and be safe with whatever decision you make.

Always here for you.x

[Olly_el_nino]

Can't say I know alot about the prescription or online drugs... However you should be proud of how long you stayed off alcohol, and maybe you could try again sometime and do a bit longer? Maybe it's showed you for that brief period that you don't actually need it? Good luck to you, and all your endeavours!

[nobody]

I can guess what you're going through.

I bought stuff online about 2 years ago and my Psych made me get rid of it, which i did when i was really pschitzo'd out of my head (not that i told them or any-one at the time). Not meds but other neuro-affective substances....

I'm not going to push you down any road just know that i'll be non-judgemental, and try and help as much as i can

[6of9]

Hi,

It's been a long time since I posted on here.

As you can see from my OP, I joined the site back in October last year. I was in a bit of a state really...well, more than a bit to be honest.

I just thought I'd come back and read through my posts from that dark time.

It feels like reading something that someone else wrote.

A year later, I'm SO much better. My new job didn't work out because I wasn't really ready for it. So, right now, I'm just taking things easy and have given myself time and space to recover from the hopeless situation I felt I was in a year ago. I'm content, happy with myself and who I am...generally I'm a different person. I've been back at the gym since April and am fitter and healthier now than I've ever been in my life. I've always wanted to 'bulk' up a bit and am doing that now...and cleanly...just good food and lots of workouts. Some of my t-shirts are too tight for me now and I've put on 4-stone since a year ago when I was literally wasting away.

I'm going to group psychotherapy, once a week for 90 mins. This is ongoing with no particular end point in mind. It is helping alot.

My GP has continued to support me and I am eternally grateful for his help and input.

I never went down the route of internet sourced diazapam. I placed an order but there was a problem with payment and the money was returned to me. By that time I was seeing things a little bit more clearly and didn't try ordering again. I did rely on alcohol to quite a degree but right now I am not wanting to drink at all. The last time I had a drink was in May this year. I haven't had an alcoholic drink since then and am planning to go through to Xmas before I even think about having one. I've become a big fan of Bavarian alcohol free lager that they sell in Sainsbury's...tastes good but no hangovers and one-seventh of the calories of normal lager:-) I'm still on Sertraline for OCD but no other prescription drugs:-) My OCD, whilst still present, is more manageable than I can remember previously.

I've had a complete turnaround in my mental state and it feels great. However, I also know that, for me, it doesn't take alot for me to end up back under that dark cloud. One of my big downfalls is relationships. So, I'm choosing to stay single right now. I'm actually finding it liberating and I have no desire to have a girlfriend at present. Of course, there are things that I miss about a relationship, but those are outweighed by the freedom and space I'm giving myself and the ability to live my life how I want to live it. Something has shifted. I can't explain it or describe it...it's just that something inside feels different and new?

Anyway...just thought I'd share this.

I know that there are so many people out there who are feeling how I was feeling a year ago. I ask myself why there is so much pain and distress...mental torture even, in the world we inhabit? Why do our minds do this to us? Where does all the angst come from?

There are no answers. All I know is that I have come out of the other side of it. A year ago I wanted to die. Now I see so many reasons to be alive. I hope that the fog of depression, anxiety and whatever troubles you will lift in time and that life will take on meaning once more.

I do genuinely send out hope to everyone and thank those who replied to my posts when I was full of self-loathing...and played a small part in helping me to feel the way I do today.

[catsmother21]

It's great to read this and that you are feeling so much better :)

[berenger]

I take lorazepam but i think i've misused it and over medicated too much and become tolerent of it, it doesn't work aswell. I also use alcohol to help me feel better. I'm not proud of it, its a bad road to go down.

[canadianbumble]

Hi 6of9,

Great to hear you are doing so well. It's great when people talk of their positive outcomes. I have alcohol issues and have weaned myself off zopiclone and lorazepam in the past.

I'm now over 100 days alcohol free but I still find most days a struggle with that. Hope you continue on a healthy path and enjoy life to the full. Bumble

[lonelyheartemma]

I'm so happy you are feeling so much better, its really good to read about someone whos got through this. it must have felt weird reading what youd written and not recognising it but it probably felt good in a way too, a real sign of how far youve come which is a long way

[6of9]

It's great to read this and that you are feeling so much better

Hi 6of9,

Great to hear you are doing so well. It's great when people talk of their positive outcomes. I have alcohol issues and have weaned myself off zopiclone and lorazepam in the past.

I'm now over 100 days alcohol free but I still find most days a struggle with that. Hope you continue on a healthy path and enjoy life to the full. Bumble

I'm so happy you are feeling so much better, its really good to read about someone whos got through this. it must have felt weird reading what youd written and not recognising it but it probably felt good in a way too, a real sign of how far youve come which is a long way

Thanks all of you. Yes, it was very strange reading my posts from a year ago. In fact, it resulted in me having a slightly melancholy day and a very broken nights sleep with lots of weird dreams. I know that was to be expected though and after a big workout at the gym this morning I'm not thinking about it so much.

I hope my positive story can inspire some of you at least a little.