Peregrine Posted November 11, 2010 Report Share Posted November 11, 2010 I've never been a great talker, always preferred tapping or using pen and pencil. But I have realized that I do need to talk in order to get the help I need. Pouring it all out, the physical and psychological abuse by my father, me never wanting to be a girl, the paedophile I encountered various times at the age of ten, the sexual abuse at the age of 19. How I tried to commit suicide at the age of 16, was taken out of school for a year and how I lost all of the friends I've had. It did pour out, in a very cold and oblivious way. I still feel cold and oblivious and find it hard to describe. It's like I've never been touched. I was dreaming of this day to come and was thinking up all sorts of reactions my therapist could have. Her question: 'So, do you think you need to work on these things before you're able to move on?' - I still don't know what she meant by that. I don't even know what I want for myself just now. Was it a perfectly normal question she asked? Maybe I should have answered: 'Och no, these things are really no issues whatsoever. Life happens. I'm just going through deeply confusing times just now, I've got no idea where I am heading or who I am, so let's just move on.' I felt as if she didn't listen. But she must have done, scribbling like mad on her pad. I talked right from the start. The rest of the session she helped me fill in an appeal to Julian Housing. I've got to move at the beginning of December and I haven't got a clue how to go about it. No family in this country. Not a lot of friends. To be honest, the session today hasn't given me any feeling of progress. It might seem ungrateful, as we did do the housing thing and I did open up, but I'm still not sure if she's the right person for me. I feel empty, hollow, full of hurt, I keep sighing, I'm angry with myself and just want to kick my arse and say: 'Come on you lazy bastard, you've worked before, you've been studying for a degree, your life was dead-exciting!' But I always had the safety of a relationship around me. Now I'm on my own, all reason is gone. I've got me and my knife and my pills. I feel like I've given up on myself, on achieving. I just can't be bothered right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted November 11, 2010 Report Share Posted November 11, 2010 i know that feeling of giving up... but i know how things can turn around just as likely. please stay safe xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted November 12, 2010 Report Share Posted November 12, 2010 Hoping the housing provision works out well. Perhaps you could mention to that T when a question from her has come over as vague, so that you don't know what she is asking by it. Everyone is moving on but I see it as pulling a load behind us. If people will give our load wheels then we can move on easier. Whether the waggon may or may not get uncoupled if it reaches the "right stop" is in my opinion irrelevant (our tale will always have helpful relevance to thers in the same boat), the main issue is to give it wheels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted November 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2010 Miko, I like the way you put it. Thank you very much :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 (((Pere))) sorry only just seen this and I'm so sorry about what has happened in your past. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted November 14, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 (((Pere))) sorry only just seen this and I'm so sorry about what has happened in your past. xxxx :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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