New Here And Just Need Someone To Listen And Not Judge. Im Sort Of A Mess At The Moment...

[lyndseyb2009]

Ok here goes. For the past 4 years I've been like a shadow of my former self. And it's starting to really put a strain on my life to the point where I feel like I'm just existing, not living. And then I start thinking , well if im just existing , why stick around for the rest? Amd that was NEVER me. I was the happiest girl before university. I was sociable, I was active , I was focused and committed to my future and most importantly I was happy. I never had a smile off my face and I was never down. Nothing ever got to me, I was such a happy go lucky person. But now....its like I can't even find the energy to function. I can't understand where this hopeless feeling has come from but I'm starting to piece together things that have happened in my past that could have been triggers. Growing up my dad was on the brink of becoming an alcoholic and he was extremely violent - he would have thought nothing of grbabbing me by the throat and slapping me round the head until I threw up with dizzyness and pain. He quit drinking when I was about 18 and he hasnt been violent from then - probably because he realised I was an adult and if he pushed me again, I'd leave. My brother was subjected to the abuse too, and as a result has a terrible relationship with my dad. When I left for university in 2006 I thought my life would get better. That this was my new start - but it hasnt really worked out that way. I was majorly homesick when I first moved and it took me a couple of months to settle in. I started a relationship with someone who ended up being a bit of a nightmare in the end and I think that's when the bad feelings started. I was putting my everything into my studies and my everything into my relationship and I think because they where going alongside each other when one failed even though I tried so hard ( not that my trying could have prevented his lies and cheating really ) I automatically assumed the other would too. So I sort of lost interest in my degree and life in general. I was attending my classes and doing the work, but I wasnt really trying. I've always been a girl who enjoyed learning and this sudden shift was really unlike me. I had wanted to succeed at University, I had the brains to do it. I excelled at school and I came from a family who are just normal. My parents didnt go to university and I lived in an average 3 bed house, with two parents who just worked whatever jobs they could to get by. So it was a big deal that their first daughter had got into university. They where so proud of me. And everyone around me was congradulating me and I thought I would end up doing something great at university. I had this drive and after the breakup it just vanished. I found myself just spending my days in bed and overeating . I put on about 3 stone in a year and that wasnt like me either as I'd always been healthy and relatively fit. By the end of my 3rd year of university I had sort of got it together enough to realise that I could still excel in my degree , and was excited about starting my 4th year when my dad took ill. He became really sick and my mum was struggling to cope. I was at home and seen my family sort of falling apart so I made the decision to give up my 4th year , and leave university with just my Bachelors degree instead of my Honours to work and help my parents. So i gave my dream of being a teacher ( as you need an honours degree to get onto a Post grad PGCE) and went back to working 80 hours at week for minimum wage. I was working 16 hour days to support a man who made my childhood miserable. Your home is supposed to be somewhere you feel safe and I never felt that. I was so miserable when I left university that all I did was overeat and work. I didn't have a life and the only time when I felt slightly happier was when my boyfriend came to visit from London. At the start of this year my dad was still ill and ended up having both of his legs amputated which I think never really hit me. Even now I'm sort of distanced from what happened. I don't think I really dealt with it and its still bubbling down there somewhere. I was under alot of pressure at work - working hours that where incredibly difficult - 7am to 11pm 6 days a week and I was beyond miserable. I got into a lot of debt over the past 4 years helping my parents . My dads always been an idiot when it came to money and it seemed the second I was 18 , it was noted that it was another way for him to get money. I was always guilted into saying yes and in the end , I owed £22,000 to creditors which was really their debt. I was working and working just to pay their bills and as my dad was so sick I couldnt even really complain about it. In August I decided I needed a change as I was seriously down and had contemplated just taking a stack of my dads Oxycontin and not waking up. Luckily I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he told me that I just needed to change my lifestyle so I handed in my notice, got a debt management plan set up and moved to London to move in with him. I thought work was just making me feel depressed but from I moved to London the feelings have just intensified and those feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness are worse. I should be on top of the world - I live with a great man who adores me and I have just recently graduated - on paper Im a very lucky girl. But in reality I'm barely coping. I cry for no reason, the stupiest silliest thingys annoy me and I have zero interest in sex - which without sounding vulgar is really not like me. It's like I've lost my sparkle. I just feel empty all of the time. I'm looking for my first proper career job but I'm too scared to go to interviews because I don't feel myself. I have gone from a healthy and pretty looking size 12 girl to an average looking size 22 ( although because I'm very tall, I don't look obese) and I just feel like I'll fail at everything. I feel like my confidence has gone and I'm never going to be good enough for these big companies with their smart and beautiful staff. I don't know if I'm depressed but my boyfriend thinks I am. I thought it was maybe my pill affecting me, but these feelings started before I went on the Pill and I was on it before with no problems. I just feel so alone and I know my boyfriend is trying but its putting our relationship under so much strain because all I seem to do is snap at him. I just get angry at him for no reason and then feel guilty and worthless afterwards thinking he deserves better which leads me to cry and get upset . But its a vicious circle. I know I need to change but I just can't. I don't understand what is happening to me and it's so scary. I have totally lost my way. Can anyone give me any advice. I know I need to see a GP but i'm so afraid incase he just thinks I'm making it up or he thinks im crazy. I just feel like going to sleep all the time yet at night I don't want to. Because I know when I sleep, Ill wake up to another day of feeling like this. Does anyone have any advice? I'm sort of a mess at the moment. I've attached a picture of myself that was taken during the summer just so people know who they are talking to. I don't want to hide myself anymore. Even if I don't like the person I am now. Thanks

Lyndsey xoxo

[Silverwolf]

Hi Lyndsey

Welcome to the forums!

You sound like you've gone through a lot of stress recently.

Yeah GP is a good point of call, don't worry he won't think you're 'crazy' as they will have heard everything from all sorts of people so generally are not surprised.

Can understand the not wanting to hide anymore.

There are lots of peeps here with all sorts of problems and symptoms so am sure you will find good support here.

Take care

x

[dazhiki]

hello lindsay welcome i know how you feel sweety. i can relate to you in many ways hope you find this place supportive as i i feel i does and if you ever need someone to talk to dont hesitate i will listen and help what i can agian welcome and talk to your gp i just did that the other day and though it is scary and feels like wrong it is the right thing to do to get help to sort things out. and figure out something we can't figure out alone welcome again x

[lyndseyb2009]

thank you so much for your support. Just feels like there so much pressure on me to sort my life out and I can't find the will to do it. I'll speak to the doctor on monday and hopefully they will be able to begin to help me. I've never considered myself someone who would end up depressed , But I think those unrealistic standards I set for myself are part of the problem. I just want to feel normal again..... its not nice feeling so out of control. xxxx

[starryeyesee]

hi and welcome

just wanted you to know i read your post and i hope things get better for you soon. I hope it goes well at the gp and they can find you some help.

there is lots of info and supportive people here so keep posting if it helps

starry x

[Black★]

Hey Lynds (X)

I'm new here myself and just happened upon your post.

My heart goes out to you, because I know the confusion and fear that you must feel @ times.

GP - yeah that's a great idea, and DO discuss all of your options.

Try to ascertain what kind of depression this is?

It could all be relative to environmental factors, stress is huge on people.

I dunno .. it's just that I've been on meds for years .. and years.

There are times when I wonder DO they help?

Sometimes I feel that other 'therapies' can help hugely.

Talking .. OMG talking about all this crap!

So being here and sharing is maybe an outlet, and hopefully you can find helps around you in real life.

Support IS vital, we're all so scared of this .. and often too frightened to ask for the help.

But there are more like us than you can ever know hun.

Cos @ the end of the day, everybody wears masks of some form or other.

I hope you sort this out and find your way.

There's no shame in falling down babe, but it would be a real shame if you didn't get up ;D

Tomorrows will bring better times Lynds!

[lonelyheartemma]

hi Lyndsey, welcome to the forum

i think you might be depressed and i think anyone would be, you've been through so much bad stuff. i think it can take time to get over that, even though you are in a good place now you havent recovered from everything yet and thats understandable really

i think going to your GP is a good idea. most GPs are really good about depression and tbh the only doctor i have seen who didnt understand was still really nice to me, he just told me depression wasnt real. if you are unlucky and you find one who doesnt understand you can go to a better one especialy if your doctor is in a big surgery with lots of other doctors. one thing with depression is that it can happen for not reason and people are less supportive if there isnt a reason but no one can say yours didnt happen for no reason

the doctor can give you some tablets to help and he might refer you for therapy or something which some people find really helpful.

[sarah82]

Hi Lyndsey,

I am in agreement it does sound as though you are depressed and seeking medical attention is the first step. Hopefully it will be a positive experience and they will try you with some medication and you can ask for a referral to your local mental health team for tallking therapies. There is also the option of accessing your local MIND where they can provide you with some talking therapies/safe place in the mean time while you await treatment as waiting lists can be about a number of weeks depending on your area. I know things seem bleak at the moment but they will get better (or so I have to keep telling my self), it sounds as though you have very plausible reasons for feeling the way that you do and once you receive the appropriate support you will be on the road to recovery.

[Miko]

I'll PM you with info about some forums - but do stay here as well

[katward81]

Hi Lindsay

I have read your post and you have been through so much. You do sound like you are depressed and going to your GP is the best ides, they won't think your crazy.

I felt the same when I first went to see my GP, I thought they wouldnt believe me but i was at crisis point and may not be here today if i didnt.

you will find yourself again, small steps.

take care xx

[lyndseyb2009]

Thank you everyone , for so much support!!!!

I really appreciate it xoxoxox

[black heart]

hey honey

wow what a lot you've been through i'm so sorry, and so proud of you for getting it all down and being brave enough to attach a pic, u ar gorgeous!

like everyone else has said, GP first port of call. Maybe write a list, thats what i had to do, because i was so nervous about seeing the GP, and I was worried he'd think i was a total fruit loop - but no, they are very understanding, and made me realise, its not actually as bad as I thought.

I know the feeling of everything being out of control, and its very very scary.

Please seek help, and well on here rly helps me anyway, if I don't comment, just reading what other people are going through and realising that although I feel alone and i feel terrible, im really not the only one, everyone has their story. Please PM me if u need to chat or vent.

Black H x

[lyndseyb2009]

Thank you so much.

I have put off going to the doctor time and time again because truthfully I dont really want to be on medication. I know how narrowminded that sounds ive just always been a bit of a control freak and I feel like ill be loosing my control if i go onto meds. Dont want to lose who i am - some people have told me antidepressants can really change you , i guess im scared i wont like the change )=

yeah this site is a massive help. just knowing others feel how i feel makes me realise im not alone in the world - its a weird relief!

thank you so much for the kind words Black H (= your lovely xxxx

[black heart]

thanks babygirl

i know how you feel - at the end of it, who wants to be on meds? but sometimes we just need that little bit of help

i didnt want to go on meds, and i put off going to the drs, my anxiety got so bad, that i was having panic attacks every day - and i ended up one day just packing a bag and getting a train to london (from central scotland) to live with family for a couple weeks, just because i couldnt breathe, just to come back and HAVE to go to the drs! i laugh now, but its been very hard. Ill not lie to you, iv become physically very weak, so the meds really hit me, but instantly i felt the change with regards to my anxiety and the panic attacks have pretty much stopped after being on meds for 3 weeks.

Having a shit day today, but its a rollercoaster, some days are good, some days are bad. u just have to focus on the good things. I have a daughter who is 3, i had to go onto meds for her, I couldn't put her through the madness i was going through. ok now im tired, but the meds are starting to take the edge off how low i was feeling. they've also given me the referral i wanted (i went into see gp with a list...because i was so nervous i knew id forget), so im waiting on my appointment to see psych, because i have noticed my depression works in cycles, so at least if i can get a proper diagnosis, i can get treated.

There is no shame in admitting that you need help, and meds affect everyone differently. they make me tired, but help my anxiety - and so in at least some ways im feeling better. you should at least give them a try, how will you know otherwise? They could make all the difference xx

[lyndseyb2009]

hehe my boyfriend calls me babygirl . I love that someone else does now too (=

I'm so sorry you had such a tough time but its good that your getting the help you need now to set you in the right direction! Aww you have a little girl. thats so cute, i love kiddies, they have this innocence to them , where they just give off this positive energy cant help but feel uplifted by it (=

yeah i see what you mean, i wont know until I try. I'm worried because before when I was on a different type of contraceptive pill it sent me crazy - it really made me a different person, i was like so weak one minute then the next i was like bouncing off the walls - it was so unpredictable. I was a mess and i dont want to go back to a place where im so unpredictable ( even though now i cant say I am - im a bit of a mess but at least now I can sense when a down mood is coming and my boyfriend can too and he knows sort of how to handle it ) because it affected all of my relationships greatly.

I've also just graduated and want to start a career , I am hoping to join the police in the future - it runs in the family apparently lol - and I dont want any medication to hinder how i would perform at work. I've worked from I was 14 aside from studying its all ive ever known. I feel like I'm only 23 I dont want these depressive moods to challenge my future. I dont know im so confused about it all. )=

I get that too. Some days I find I'm on top of the world, somedays it feels like the world is against me. Its easier to recall the bad days now than the good but i cling to those good days because it makes me feel human.

xxxxx

[black heart]

well im 25, so we are really in the same boat, except i have a little babygurl in the mix lol, she is 3 and a half, and my entire reason for being. without her, the year iv had..id probably be dead. and thats quite true. what iv told u is the tip of the ice berg, iv been through so much over the past few years, but u get through it - really i should have gone on meds years ago, but i always put it off, saying the same things as you. this year was the first time i went on anti depressants, after a couple years, and its only when i came off them that i started to spiral again, and i regret coming off them, granted i was feeling a lot better.

u havent got into a job yet, and these things take about a month to kick in, go see ur gp, tell them ur anxiety about the meds affecting u too much, they will put you on somethin mild, maybe even just send u to talk to someone, which can make the world of a difference.

stay strong honey ur defo not alone, and im glad you have a bf who understands and knows how to recognise ur moods, that will help u stay afloat, even whn u ar on meds im sure.

take care x

[lyndseyb2009]

thanks so much for the advice. i think i might pluck up the nerve to go and see him this week.

i hope that you start to feel a bit better. its shit that your going through a rough time at the moment.

always here if you want to talk xxxxx

[lonelyheartemma]

I hope you get to go this week lynds but if you don't theres always next week and the one after that. I try to do things when i say but if i dont do it then i remind myself i will have other chances to go. I'm used to seeing doctors but making apointments, talking to the receptionist, maybe being seen by someone who knows me and wants to know what i'm doing with my life, its not fun.

maybe I said this already but medication is all different, i was on a vitamin tablet for a while that seemed to change me, my mum said it was making me a nicer person but it scared me coz it was like i didnt recognise myself and i didnt feel like i was beig nice, it was like someone else in my body. so I came off that tablet and I didnt want to take any others for a while but now i take a different vitamin tablet. so some tablets did hinder me but i think all the tablets i'm on now really help, 6 months ago i couldnt have gone to college. if you have a physical problem its ok to take tablets to help and i kind of see anti depressants in the same way. I think part of depression is physical like the chemicals in your brain and the tablets do physical things like getting the chemical levels right.

when i get new tablets I start on a low dose usually and work up so maybe if you are on another tablet that affects you like that, maybe you will notice it happening before it gets really bad.