toaster Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 i cried last night becasue i feel so fucking fat. i was just aware of it all spilling out of me, aware of my stomach, my boobs, everything...i want to slice my stomach off, i want my boobs GONE...then i had bad dreams all night an the worst thing is i had winnie laying next to me and i cried silently because i felt too ashamed to tell her...i closed my eyes with my back to her an just cried. why cant i talk when its needed most? this is all very well telling people this morning. stupid fat usless fucking cunt i am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elvis35/77 Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 Oi! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 dont have any experience with ed - but wanted to say... chips loves crumbs... and u are so far away from the words you use to describe yourself, but so so sorry you feel you deserve such a description... xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillv Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 I think this is a very harsh description of someone I have seen to be intelligent, wise, caring, compassionate, supportive, brave and strong.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 Toastie - I know we haven't had much correspondence, but from what I have seen on here, you are working so, so very hard on yourself, you are so determined, caring, you've got a gentle nature the way you speak to others and I agree with former posts - you deserve to have a much better description about yourself than the one you have made. I do understand about self-hate, not about EDs but identity problems fall into many categories. I so often wish my boobs were gone, maybe for other reasons than yours, but I understand you pain as I wear scars on mine. Even if you don't manage to look upon yourself in a kind way just now, let us do this for you and try and draw strength and comfort from this. I'm so sorry you're in so much anguish! Sending lots of calming thoughts ((((((((((((Toast))))))))))))) Pere x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 Hello Toaster, Im so sorry you are feeling this way I dont really have any advice as I have a similar dislike to my own body. I think we have to learn to trust other peoples opinions of us rather than being so critical and negative about ourselves (easier said than done I know) Im such a hypocrite just saying this as there are things I could be doing and that my Dr has requested I do but I have been putting them off. The whole ED thing is a nightmare but I just wanat to let you know that you are not alone and I didnt want to view your post and then not comment. From what I understand you are well liked on here and you have always been kind towards me with your comments/advice. Take care Russ. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. It was lovely to see you in the chat earlier. Here is a picture for you: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted November 15, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 thank u everyone *crumbs loves chips but not to eat obviously* peregine i want my boobs gone for several reasons, one being cuz i dont wanna be a girl...i dont wanna be a boy, i dont wanna be either ill come back an say more later i have to go out now xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 (((((toastie))))) xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 peregine i want my boobs gone for several reasons, one being cuz i dont wanna be a girl...i dont wanna be a boy, i dont wanna be either I'm so with you on this one. I posted somewhere that I'd love to be a slug - hermaphroditic and just a clump of nerve cells instead of this complex greyness. Never did I ask to be born as a thinking woman I go through a lot of phases of actually liking myself and accepting myself for who I am physically, and then there's this absolute opposite where I don't want to be anything (male or female) or actually male. In Pere's world, no-one has to be either or - we just hug each other when needed. I've got this whole thing made up in my head, which I take refuge in when things get too rough. Not really helpful as in 'moving on' but a good way of coping, in my mind. Here to chat more, if you want to :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 ((((Toaster)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 Sending you hugs, I don't have any advice because I'm feeling this way a lot myself at the moment but just wanted to say I can relate and hope you feel a bit better soon xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted November 15, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 i does me nut in, that i allow these thoughts to control me that it upsets me so i have just been talking to my new worker and she kept coming back to the eating stuff. i told her i plan on buying slimming pills tomorrow, that i feel like a fraudcuz im not a bag of bones...i kept trying to change the subject but she kept coming back to it but thats ok, is something i need to work on and manage better. if i was to hurt myself it would be linked to the ed stuff, not being perfect, feeling like a failure...she asked me why i feel like a failure and i didnt know why...i disocciated at that point I got upset in the session when talking about the eating stuff it seems it still has a bigger hold over me than i'd rather acknowledge. I don't cry in front of people but this has the power to bring me to my knees and I don't know why maybe, at the moment, it doesn't matter why - it is what it is and I have to manage it. it might change, it might not, but for now I feel I have to take the bull by the horns and tackle it. Thank you everyone for saying such nice things about me and saying I work hard and stuff. It always surprises me that people pick up on what I see as insignificant - I thought calling myself a cunt wasn't important...but you all say different ((((((((everyone)))))))) Peregine, I think coping strategies are ok. Sometimes we can't control the actual thought or feeling so we have to manage them - sometimes THAT is moving forward, acceptance etc. I'm sorry people feel the same - but it helps to know I'm not alone and maybe I'm not a fraud toast xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 (((toaster))xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 ((((((((betty)))))))) 8 x my love for you well done for going baby, xxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted November 15, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 ((((((((betty)))))))) 8 x my love for you well done for going baby, xxxxxxxx yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doormouse Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 ((((((((((((((Toastie))))))))))))))))) I feel like that at times too - like I just want to somehow slice bits off my body, and just feeling like a flabby hippo. I know that no-one can tell me that I'm not fat, my head just tells me otherwise. I used to be skinny - back ing the good/bad ED days, and I'm now bigger, though not huge. Even years after I've been a "normal" weight and out of the ED system it still has a hold over me and the way I feel about myself. I don't have any solutions, but if you want to chat anytime.... Just remember that you are a lovely person whatever ever size you may or may not be, and I hope your head gives you a break soon Mousexxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 maybe I'm not a fraud you - a fraud???? NOT in a million years can identify with such a lot in this thread, even without an ED but you cant challenge and change everything at once please take care xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted November 16, 2010 Report Share Posted November 16, 2010 *hugs* I am so sorry you feel this way, it is such a horrible feeling. I was looking at your pic last night and thinking you are so pretty. but sometimes ppl can only see the bad in themselves and sometimes they see things that arent there at all. like I know i cant be fat. I must be thin or I couldnt get my dresses on. my mum is a lot bigger than me, i look at her and i feel jelous because she looks so thin and i dont I think you are kind, sweet, lovely, warm, intelligent, considerate, generous, lots of things, if i was Winnie and you woke me up i wouldn't mind because I'd just feel so lucky you were there with me even tho it would be sad seeing you sad :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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