Unsure

[Roses]

I am not sure where to put this tbh I'm struggling again.

So many good things going on, so much strength, yet every day I still want to die.

I am now to the point where most days I log on here and just mark everything as read cos I know it's going to drag me down even further to read everyone else's pain.

What does that make me? Where is the Rose who read every single thread and grieved for all of your pain? Am I now a heartless bitch? Is THIS recovery?

Is it that I don't care or that I am in too much of my own pain to take it on? Am I a bad person, I just don't know.

I am now volunteering at the Outreach centre and managed 2 hours today although I did break down in tears in the kitchen. What is right?

I am so confused and I'm sorry.

Rose x

[Saharah Blue]

Roses,

Its a balance, there are going to be times when you can gives to others and times when it is so important to focus that compassion towards yourself.

It is okay to be the one in need too. I know that probably sounds rich coming from someone who struggles to reach out, but I have become better over the years. I am still learning. I have been on the site since 06 and I have watched people come and go mods too. It is really okay to not read every post, I just do my best when I am feeling up to. I find it is more important to keep coming back to it over the big picture than get burned out or beat myself up for not maintain an ability to burn the candle at both ends.

There is no doubt in my mind you do your very best everyday. You are loved and appreciated here for all you do, just as you are.

love to you (((roses)))

xoxo

Sah

[bertyswis]

Hugs (((Roses)))

Don't beat yourself upa bout it.

We love you whether you read our posts or not.

I really appreciate your wisdom on matters, however if you can't do that right now, it doesn't matter.

B

[Villan]

*puts rose in wheelbarrow*

*covers her with princess blankie*

*CARRIES HER FOR A WHILE*

you have enough on your plate - let us support you... and there's plenty here to support others... you take care of yuo and yours... plenty time to help others soon enough...

o and by the way, the ONLY thing i do like about christmas (apart from one rather sad christmas record but we are NOT going there!) is that they do a better selection of yummi smelly candles in the shops... ima go buy you one tomorrow on the way home and light it JUST FOR YOU...

take care dear dear friend - much love to you

kath xxxx

o and another thing - NEVER a heartless bitch - never in a million years... :wub:

[Roses]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful replies. Dearest friends, thank you a million times.

I am now in the habit of burning oils everyday and I just say "to all my friends and everyone on BPD World".

:grouphug[1]: :grouphug[1]:

[bena.baby]

i have similar feelings roses...feeling much better in myself generally...but finding it hard to support others. maybe it's a feeling of vulnerability, a feeling that taking on others problems will lead you into a worse place?

any support you offer is always valuable and you've helped so many people on here, including me. but it's ok to feel you're not in a place where you can support...all of us here have problems and it's ok to not be able to take on other people's as well as your own/your family's.

hope you're feeling ok xx

[Silverwolf]

(((((Roses))))))

it's OK to focus on YOU hun.

Everyone goes through rough patches here, if we was all perfect we wouldn't need the place AND it wouldn't really be peer support either!

Just take it easy on yourself, you have focussed SO MUCH on others,

but now it's 'you time' when we can help support you for a bit!

x

[Pink stars]

(((((Roses)))))) Your a wonderful women x I'm sorry that you are feeling this way lovely. You've always given me wonderful support and to alot of others too, now it's your turn, we all need looking after sometimes. Lots of love and hugs x x x x

[Roses]

*weeps* it means so much, thank you xxx

I'll have a think. It's so wonderful to have support.

[Villan]

*just sits with you holding your hand* (or whatever is comfortable to you)

xxxxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo Rosington Tinkle Berry

I think people have said some good stuffz already, especially agree with what Sah said about the givey vs takey part, you have always been very givey and I think it makes you feel guilty when you stop

Its interesting to note the sensation of guilt at not wanting to read threads. There is something in the caring professions called 'compassion fatigue', which is where a person can actually 'over give' and wear out the part of them that is compassionate. The person can almost start to feel impatient with the people they are caring for, even angry at them. It seems to be a natural reaction to giving too much.

It doesnt make you bad to feel that way. Sometimes I read posts and feel a sense of annoyance or frustration at someone. I try to hang back and notice it, because there seems to be a 'stage' people go through in recovery where, when they meet people who are struggling with similar issues, all that sense of frustration at the self gets projected onto the other person. You can end up feeling angry or impatient with someone who is struggling with the same issue as you, and your own sense of making no progress can make you feel angry at them. All of these things are difficult to face in yourself because it feels like it makes you a 'bad' person - but they are just part of the normal range of human emotion.

Not only that but when you are just about keeping off the bottom yourself, it can take very little to pull you back down again. That doesnt mean that the other persons suffering is not real or you dont care. Its a bit like the air-disaster-oxygen-mask thing - you shouldnt be trying to put a mask on anyone else until you have your own in place, because if you pass out then you defo wont be able to put any masks on anyone.

Dont be afraid to pick up us online mask people and have a good breathe

Ross

[Dani]

Hugs to you...

you are a big support hun but you also need

support too.its finding that balance.

if you wanna chat you have my number...we can text anytime xx

[Data]

I don't think you are heartless at all, Rose. We might disagree on some things but I think you geninely care and want to help, its just you are bogged down with so many issues of your own at the moment. Thanks for updating us on how things are going with you and I hope they improve soon.

[lonelyheartemma]

((((((roses)))))) you're not a heartless bitch at all, your lovely, the fact you even started this thread shows that but thats not the only thing that shows it. I havent been here long and we havent spoken much but i have seen lots of lovely posts youve made and thought what a nice person you are.

sometimes you can help others and sometimes you cant and if you can't its not your fault. but in a way you are helping us now coz we all know you and we are really happy you are part of our lives :hug2:

[Roses]

*puts on oxygen mask*

thank you so much to everyone. I wanted to plus all of your comments but ran out a bit way down the list. It means so much to me that you are letting me know this is OK. Thank you all so much.

I did my first two hour stint at the Outreach Centre yesterday packing bags for charity clothing and a lady came in from the services and we gave her two binliners of babygrows and the such plus sterilisers and bottle and all that kind of stuff. It feels good to be part of something so positive and the lady who runs it is a visionary. At half way break there was a lady using the counsillors workshop who was getting angry and I had to leave and broke down out the back in the kitchen. But the lady I work with was brilliant, turns out she understands a lot about MH and we just sat and talked then went back to packing clothes just like it was a regular day and nothing had happened. Somewhere out there we are making a difference.

[hummm_mabbe]

*puts on oxygen mask*

thank you so much to everyone. I wanted to plus all of your comments but ran out a bit way down the list. It means so much to me that you are letting me know this is OK. Thank you all so much.

I did my first two hour stint at the Outreach Centre yesterday packing bags for charity clothing and a lady came in from the services and we gave her two binliners of babygrows and the such plus sterilisers and bottle and all that kind of stuff. It feels good to be part of something so positive and the lady who runs it is a visionary. At half way break there was a lady using the counsillors workshop who was getting angry and I had to leave and broke down out the back in the kitchen. But the lady I work with was brilliant, turns out she understands a lot about MH and we just sat and talked then went back to packing clothes just like it was a regular day and nothing had happened. Somewhere out there we are making a difference.

Whooo thats good Also good that you can have a miffle at work and someone will support you and things :inlove3:

[carlylight1]

i agree with everyone else roses you are a very compassionate person.

i like to think that people here understand that when we don't reply much its more to do with struggling ourselves rather than simply not caring.

its great to read about your outreach work, it sounds like an amazing oppotrtunity.

take care and all the best xxx

[Roses]

xxxxx

[lonelyheartemma]

you are making a difference, you really care so much about the ppl you are helping, when i have done voluntary work its like its just a job or just something to do. and thats ok, that just makes it extra special to find someone who does care. I'm glad the lady you are working with is so helpful and understanding, obviously she is a very caring person too ((((roses)))))

[Roses]

thank you emma xxx