At Last I Have Something To Call What I Have Been Going Through

[zorki4000]

Hello, my name is Rick I'm 34. My story goes like this:

When I was 8 I found out that my Father was a womaniser (He had probably always been, but this is when I found out). He and my Mother used to work long hours to survive, so when I came in from school, the house was my playground. I found letters, photos and porn in his study (though covered up that I knew). These letters were from his 'conquests'. Sometimes my Mum found out, but he would always weasel his way back into her good graces. Though I was 'friends' with him at this time, my respect for him went off a cliff. He had always been the disciplinarian (I'm an only child), so there were times when we weren't friends and there were silences which would last days until one of us apologised, usually me. Anyway, as time went on with my knowledge of what he was doing, occasions arose where he would take me to these womens houses. I would wait downstairs obediantly watching TV with some sweets he had given me while he went upstairs, to be with the women in question. At the time, I didn't really understand what was happening, but I knew it shouldn't have been happening, and that I was implicit in the deceipt of my Mother. This happened several times over the course of about 3 years. How could I tell her?

Eventually, my Mother became aware of what was happening, she found the letters and heard the rumours. Then all hell broke loose. They had argued for sometime prior to this, but the real war started when she had evidence. There were several days of furious argument, during which I was a practical recluse in my room, too afraid to step out. One morning towards the end of this period, just before I would normally get up, my Mother knocked on my door. She told me, softly, that she was going to go and stay with my Grandparents, who lived in the same town. This was it, the end of my childhood. I was 10. I remember wanting her to not leave me. To not leave me with 'Him', who by now I hated. She told me that, I was to stay, because once my Father moved out we would need somewhere to stay, and my presence in the house would force the City Council to allow us to stay while the repossession process kicked in. So stay I did. I avoided my Father like the plague staying at school as long as possible or visiting friends or my Grandparents where my Mum was (crying solidly for weeks). My Father once tried to hug me, and say sorry, I remember feeling like a rag doll in his arms, I just couldn't return any affection for this man.

So then, he left, and my Mother returned. Thus started a process of clearing the house for repossession (we removed over 300 empty bottles of wine from the cupboard under the stairs), followed by being moved from bed and breakfast to temp accommodation in nasty flats and hotel rooms. Eventually, we were given a nice flat in a tower block where my Mother still lives today. During this time, I was beginning to fail at school (Until then I had had great expectation placed on me to be a high achiever), and during this time, I didn't see my Father once in 5 years.

The upshot of this overly lengthy story is that I was abandoned. Twice. Both emotionally and physically, by both my parents.

Because it was my Father (in my mind) who caused this ruction, I have always blamed him and only recently have I come to see that there are two sides to every story. In truth I don't think my relationship with my Mother has ever recovered, to the point that, though I love her dearly and respect her strength for looking after me maternally during this time, I struggle greatly to spend any period of time with her without being angry or anti social. I hate myself for being like that, but, I seem unable to avoid it.

My University years, which I only just scraped into, were a failure with me leaving without a degree. I simply couldn't form relationships or a support network there, and my concentration was almost non-existent. On top of this I tried 2 universities, the second one near my most recent ex girlfriend of the time, a last ditch, pathetic, costly and desperate attempt to find somewhere I would be wanted.

In my adult life I have had many, many relationships, none successful. I have been in(what I thought was) love, twice. Both ending acrimoniously, the latter with a resulting in a child (who I adore). The first of these was with a beautiful girl when I was 21 who I truly adored and I actually believe adored me. Eventually, what I now see as BPD traits crept into my behaviour after a year. 6 months later she was gone, leaving me in a tortuous depression which took me almost 4 years to 'recover' from. I miss her to this day.

The second of these relationships when I was 24 was initially loving and caring, but in hindsight, it commenced out of a need from both sides which probably never abated. After 2 years of seeming happiness, 3 years of painful argument and extraction began, culminating in my lying about my health (A brain haemorrhage brought on by a mountain biking accident(which was real)) to try and avoid her abandoning me (and her intermittently acting out as well). Something I am truly ashamed of, for it caused her grief and anguish and she didn't deserve it. As much as she didn't understand me, she is a fundamentally good woman, and I had no right to cause her such pain. Our split, when our child was 1, caused me to spiral down into an abyss of deep depression, characterised by suicidal thoughts, and longing for her return. This lasted a further 3 years, during which time I was hospitalised 2 times and prescribed meds, which I could not take for long periods becasue they simply made my feelings worse. I also started CGT and was diagnosed bi-polar.

Our child is now 7, and we constantly struggle to have a stable relationship even now. Having been apart for 6 years. I suspect she may be BPD as well, but she has been in what seems to be a stable relationship for 2+years.

Finally, I recently met a girl online (one of MANY), who was very attractive, caring and considerate. I played out my familiar act of falling for a girl within a couple of meets (which seemed to be reciprocated), planning a future, being in constant contact, being sexually up front and 'adventurous', and becoming the person I imagine would be loved (by playing out a role of being NICE, and being the rescuer)until on the eve of our 5th ot 6th meet she texted to tell me it was going too fast, and she didn't want to give me the wrong impression, and I'm too nice for her. Again down came the house of cards and it hurt like hell on earth. Again, I suspect her of having BPD, given the manner of the relationship and the signals, and then the instant cut off. It hurt like before. But this time was clearly different, I was having feelings for a girl I had met 5 times, which were similar to ones I had had with the Mother of my child, and my only other significant relationship. Although these feelings seemed valid, they did not seem logical. So began my research into such matters and my return to therapy.

It has become clear over the last month, that BPD and other co-morbid disorders, including narcissistic PD, avoidant PD and Histrionic PD have had a grip on me since I was a child. Probably since the morning my Mum left me to stay with my Grandparents. I now also show very strong indications of sex addiction. In this month I have been No contact with the latest 'trigger' girl (which means avoiding Facebook at all costs!), and have attended my therapy religiously with masses of research and ideas/notes to back me up. I have had my life and dreams ruined by this for so long I don't know anymore if I have ever had a genuine relationship with anyone. I am filled with hate for my Father for passing his Demons on to me. Surely it was his job to fix them?

I try not to have anger towards my Mother, my Father nearly broke her, and she has never had another relationship in 25 years. But now I see her part in my issues, it is difficult.

I feel very much like I am in the last chance saloon. I need some stability in my life, for me and for my beautiful son. I don't think I know what it is to be loved for just being me, and the realisation that I have BPD, however undiagnosed at this point, (though my therapist agrees it is HIGHLY likely, she had to allow me to come to the realisation, as she could not diagnose), I hope will save me/us and let me find that love.

If you had the resolve to read this far, thank you, I'm sorry it goes on so long, its my mind poured onto a page. So I apologise for the lack of literary English too! Rick

[Russell]

Hi Rick, Welcome to the forum! Its a supportive place and a lifeline in my opintionsion. Theres a lot of information to soak up there and it sounds like you have been through an awful lot! On a side note.....its good to have a fellow mountain biker on board

Take care

Russ.

[boobsticle]

Hey there Rick

Firstly welcome to the site, there are lots of people here who understand exactly how you feel, myself included. It sounds like you've had a terrible time, and you've done really well to make it this far and to be so dedicated a father. I hope you find what you're looking for soon.

[zorki4000]

Hi Rick, Welcome to the forum! Its a supportive place and a lifeline in my opintionsion. Theres a lot of information to soak up there and it sounds like you have been through an awful lot! On a side note.....its good to have a fellow mountain biker on board

Take care

Russ.

Thanks Russ. I appreciate the welcome, I've been looking for just such a lifeline.

Rick

[zorki4000]

Hey there Rick

Firstly welcome to the site, there are lots of people here who understand exactly how you feel, myself included. It sounds like you've had a terrible time, and you've done really well to make it this far and to be so dedicated a father. I hope you find what you're looking for soon.

Thank You for the welcome Arrakis,

'Long is the road, and hard', so they say. I can't disagree.

Kind Regards

Rick

[boobsticle]

"Long is the road and hard, that out of Hell leads to light." Milton always had a way of finishing these things that made them seem less bleak, to me anyway.

[last_time_lucky]

What a great insight you have Rick. Hope you find this forum helpful, welcome :)

[zorki4000]

"Long is the road and hard, that out of Hell leads to light." Milton always had a way of finishing these things that made them seem less bleak, to me anyway.

:0) Nail + Head.

Indeed he does, less bleak is exactly what is required.

Rick

[zorki4000]

What a great insight you have Rick. Hope you find this forum helpful, welcome

Thanks last_time,

Its funny how all of the insight can come at once, in one go. I've been walking around with cataracts for sooo long.

Rick

[Wynter Grace]

:welcomeani:

I hope you can find lots of support on here

Wynter

xxx

[Dani]

hi and welcome.

[zorki4000]

I hope you can find lots of support on here

Wynter

xxx

Thank you Wynter. I must say it certainly seems more friendly and supportive (or timely) than other such sites I've come across.

:0)

Rick

[zorki4000]

hi and welcome.

Thank you Dani. It's nice to come across such a place when it is needed most.

Rick

[Villan]

wow, what insight and awareness... thank you for sharing your story...

o, and welcome to the forum :)

[zorki4000]

wow, what insight and awareness... thank you for sharing your story...

o, and welcome to the forum

Thank you too. Very kind (And thank you for the PM).

Rick

[catsmother21]

Hi there Rick and welcome

There's lots of great support, advice, information and people here and I really hope that it helps you too.

[lonelyheartemma]

hi Rick, welcome to the site

its really comforting having a name for things. the therapists say dont label yourself but a label can make it seem more ok.

I hope this site helps, everyone is really understanding. it sounds so sad and horrible what youve been through xx

[zorki4000]

Thank you Emma. Much appreciated. I just wonder what the significant other players in my story would make of BPD.....I can't help but think that most if not all wouldn't have a clue....Has anyone ever known of a 'non' or even an undiagnosed BPD wiht close attachments, who could genuinely empathise?

Rick

[sanctuary]

Your story is my story is many many people's story... I hope you stick around here. I haven't read this much insight in one hit than since I first sat down with 'the knowledge' myself and armed myself with every tool in the box.

You picture is like bees to honey... you could look hairy, green and have 6 toes but your pm box is likely to fill up very quick with that pic. My advice.... be careful. BPD girls are plenty here and if I had not had so much therapy myself I would be pm'ing you and asking you to rescue me....What could possibly be better than having a man that understood exactly how you were feeling, looked gorgeous and also clearly has many other qualities... mmm... there is hope yet I belive (sorry to digress)

Anyway, reading you is like reading me.... and I am glad I am not alone with such a burden of knowledge. x

[sanctuary]

Thank you Emma. Much appreciated. I just wonder what the significant other players in my story would make of BPD.....I can't help but think that most if not all wouldn't have a clue....Has anyone ever known of a 'non' or even an undiagnosed BPD wiht close attachments, who could genuinely empathise?

Rick

I find people with Bi-Polar have an uncanny sense of what it's like to be BPD and their empathy seems very very familiar. People with fairly normal mental health have no concept. Some barely understand depression, and I know of hardly any people with BPD that do not have severe depression (either acute or chronic). In my opinion, people fail to grasp the concept of someone relentlessly pursuing something that is bad for them. Some people use heroin, alcohol, fast food you name it... but when the addiction is push and pull relationships, it somehow is wrong.... the concept of 'using' other people to further our ends of avoiding abandonment can lead us down roads which people find distasteful and inappropriate. A certfified 'normal' as far as I am concerned is such a person who would fail to empathise with the gravity of our realities.

Give me someone with mental health issues any day, but not one in denial please. Empathic folks are intense, but worth the effort. Never give up.

[Exodus]

Hey man, welcome to the Forum. Your post was a very interesting read, but I'm sorry as to what you've gone through in your life. I don't really have any advice to give, but I hope all works out for you. You seem like a very cool guy.

[zorki4000]

Your story is my story is many many people's story... I hope you stick around here. I haven't read this much insight in one hit than since I first sat down with 'the knowledge' myself and armed myself with every tool in the box.

You picture is like bees to honey... you could look hairy, green and have 6 toes but your pm box is likely to fill up very quick with that pic. My advice.... be careful. BPD girls are plenty here and if I had not had so much therapy myself I would be pm'ing you and asking you to rescue me....What could possibly be better than having a man that understood exactly how you were feeling, looked gorgeous and also clearly has many other qualities... mmm... there is hope yet I belive (sorry to digress)

Anyway, reading you is like reading me.... and I am glad I am not alone with such a burden of knowledge. x

Sanctuary, thanks for the kind and wise, words and advice. I really, really appreciate them. We will talk more I'm sure an you're right, its a revelation to find out that other people have been through/are going through similar. x

[choochoomama]

Welcome Rick everyone here is really lovely as I'm sure you have already found out :rolleyes:

[zorki4000]

Thank you Emma. Much appreciated. I just wonder what the significant other players in my story would make of BPD.....I can't help but think that most if not all wouldn't have a clue....Has anyone ever known of a 'non' or even an undiagnosed BPD wiht close attachments, who could genuinely empathise?

Rick

I find people with Bi-Polar have an uncanny sense of what it's like to be BPD and their empathy seems very very familiar. People with fairly normal mental health have no concept. Some barely understand depression, and I know of hardly any people with BPD that do not have severe depression (either acute or chronic). In my opinion, people fail to grasp the concept of someone relentlessly pursuing something that is bad for them. Some people use heroin, alcohol, fast food you name it... but when the addiction is push and pull relationships, it somehow is wrong.... the concept of 'using' other people to further our ends of avoiding abandonment can lead us down roads which people find distasteful and inappropriate. A certfified 'normal' as far as I am concerned is such a person who would fail to empathise with the gravity of our realities.

Give me someone with mental health issues any day, but not one in denial please. Empathic folks are intense, but worth the effort. Never give up.

Again I completely agree. Now I understand a little better about BPD, I can say for certain that I know very few if any people who I would call 'non' who could even being to empathise. I have just such a case in mind. I have a very close friend (female) who I have known from school (we dated at school). She works abroad alot, so I only get to see her a few times a year. When she does, we go out for drink and meals or run together. I had always thought it to be quite an understanding, deep relationship built on understanding. However on this occasion she happened to come back in the middle of thie 'crisis'. So, thinking that she was a close friend I could confide in, I let on what I have been researching, and learning, only to have a brick wall of denial put up in my face. "What?? I think thats a bit extreme!!! Personality disorder??!! Are you kidding me?!!" Was her response. I feel rather stupid, and let down, even though I know she has issues with her sister and her adoption trials....I was expecting a little more understanding. And so ended my lesson that day, which your thoughts have pretty much confirmed.

Sorry this is a little garbled, I'm at work and trying to be quick and discrete!

Long is the road and hard....x

[toaster]

Its funny how all of the insight can come at once, in one go. I've been walking around with cataracts for sooo long.

Rick

im with you on this one.

it sounds like you have a good therapist :0

welcome to the site this is a good place with good people xx