A Brief Insight Into My Mad Mind

[Bigmouth_strikes_again]

I thought I'd type up an example of what I'm like with people, so I can hand it to my care coordinaor, so he'd get an understanding of how intense I get over people. I thought I'd share it here and maybe people who have similar issues could reply - So I know I'm not alone.

Last weekend my parents where having a social gathering as my brother was bringing his new born daughter over for the family to meet. Due to my social awkwardness and jealousy I stayed out of the way upstairs with the animals. After several hours upstairs I came downstairs and whilst standing in the hallway I caught a glimpse of a stranger amoungst my family, a young man (whom I now believe to be my brothers girlfriends brother). I stood and watched him then after about 30 seconds he got up and everyone left and went back to their homes.

I was awfully confused, in shock because I wasn't expecting a total stranger in the house and at the same time utterly delighted to have witnessed him. I had to go away and think, work out who he was. My mind was instantly having conversations with him and coming up with all the possible ways I could catch him alone to speak to him. Within half an hour of his departure, my mind was already conjuring up images of marrying him, followed by a flood of images of a road trip around America, I was even picking out the music we'd listen to, the conversations we'd have, the places we'd see. There was a tremendous of feeling of 'anything is possible'.. The future stopped being a black abyss and became a beautiful bright world where I'm able to do all the things I've dreamed of.

I didn't even know his name, I've never even spoken to him but our entire lives where being carefully planned out in my head. Barely an hour after his departure I was desperately excited and needed to find him, have some sort of contact with him. I decided the best way to make first contact was by email as I had no idea how else to find him in the real world. I've mastered the art of internet stalking after many years of it, all I needed was a name.. Which sadly I didn't have. But I thought if I track my brother online, I'll find his girlfriend then from her I'll find her brother. Once I've found him, and know his name I can find his social networking pages and probably find an email address.. Then all it takes is an email! My entire new life is just an email away!!!

But alas after hours of attempting to track him I was no closer as my brothers social networking pages were set to private - Of course I can sign up and get his information then proceed but that way I leave evidence of my sneaky stalker ways. So a quick rethink and I realise my next logical step is to causally ask my mother what my brother's girlfriends last name is, then I can re-start my cyber stalking.

Already I'm driving myself mad letting a stranger take over my mind completely, I feel like the only thing that can save me is getting this person in my life, spending every second of everyday for the rest of my life with this mystery person. A 30 second encounter and I completely lose my mind.. And I'd honestly marry this stranger right this moment if I could :unsure:

[last_time_lucky]

I have had similar experiences, not as intense but yes I can identify with this train of thought. It's very brave of you to share this and I think it's a great idea to print it and show to your care co-ordinator. I've often thought that I need to do something similar when I'm right in the middle of an episode because often I forget how I felt at the time once I've come out of it.