hummm_mabbe Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Hullo So, um I am going to kind of indulge myself because I need to have a vent about Christmas. Got some nice comments in my status bar thing, but I need to put this all in words in the hope my stomach might un-tighten. I would just really rather christmas didnt happen. I am hoping the snow will really come down and make it so I cant travel from aberdeen to london, and I will have the perfect excuse. To be honest the things that are bothering me are my dads partner - she is a control freak, and I know the first thing she's going to say is "are you getting you hair cut whilst you're down here?". I mean like WTF? If I wanted my hair cut, there are hairdressers in aberdeen. What you mean is, you dont like my hair long and you want to try to guilt or bully me into getting it cut. Well fuck off, I dont want it cut. And whilst we're at it, dont interfere in my family issues that have nothing to do with you. Im not seeing my sister because we had a row and we hate each other. Now fuck off and dont try guilt me into seeing her. Again. Then there is a different issue. Its my grandad. He is very old, has advanced dementia, cannot get out of bed. Whenever I see him I burst into tears, and TBH my family doesnt 'do' tears. I know he's going to die soon, and that makes me even sadder. It would be ok if my family were able to process emotion, you know - FEEL like human beings, but they arent. They are all emotional cripples. And why my dad chose that woman to live with ... christ. Two weeks with her is enough to drive me insane. How he does it all year I dont know. But then I feel guilty, because she does try to be nice as well, so its the same double bind. Aaaargh. "I know you are trying to be nice but if you could just stop being a control freak, that would be lovely. Thank you". Then christmas day, we just go round someones house, my dad's partner's neice's place. They put on a great meal, the food is lovely and they are nice people and everything. I just feel very guilty though, very out of place and uncomfortable and have to put the mask on full tilt, to pretend Im 'good with kids' when actually they terrify me. To pretend I really want to talk about work when in fact I havent worked in three years. Im also seeing old friends and some point, and am just not looking forward to the "so what have we all achieved since we last saw each other" conversation. Drawing a disability cheque doesnt fill me with joy to be talking about and to be honest they are the kind of folks that you dont really talk about depression around. Stiff upper lip. Clear throat. Change subject. Make joke **tumbleweed** Anyways, I know how utterly ungrateful this all sounds. Its not that I dont want to see these people, or appreciate their efforts, and god knows I feel lonely a lot. Its more that the situations make me so uncomfy but Ive 'got to' do them. It sort of feels like being shoved out on stage in front of a hostile audience. Anyways, just wanted to moan really. There's no way I can really say any of this anywhere else. If you read all of this, you are a star Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Heya Rossy No advice whatsoever but I hope writing this out loosened the knot a little. It doesn't sound at all ungrateful to me, I understand the uncomfiness, and you obviously appreciate what you have so there isn't much about it that's ungrateful. Really hope it all goes well for you if you do make it down. Good luck. (just wanted to use that emote ) and I hope you can cope with all the fambly/friends stuff without too much difficulty or tummy knotting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 awww rossy. your dads partner sounds a nightmare...reminds me of someone...dont really know what could help, other than jus think of your dad. its not ungrateful, its also a long way from aberdeen to london, must feel out of your comfort zone a little to ? do you have somewhere in london that is a safety net? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted December 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Huloo Peepley toots Yeah I feel a bit better having got it out I guess. I am going to try as much as possible to use the ol mindfulness, maybe try to bring a bit of humour to it all, at least within myself. Not really anyone I could go and stay with besides my dad, Ive not been very good at the whole friends thing over the years ... maybe in the future as things get better. Ach well, as the buddhists say, nothing lasts forever. 2 weeks from now it shall all be over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted December 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 I am also going to take your suggestion Arrakis and envision them all as bunny rabbits Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 "Could you pass me the salt please Flops... I mean Dad" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Ross, Reading your post I have to first say well done for getting out exactly your frustrations. I really do think giving them a voice here will help you with what you are up against. I feel you, my family don't do heartfelt anything, if they can leave the emotion out and fall back on wry humor they will. I finally cut off all my personal relationships that didn't allow me to reference essentially that I have BPD. Big social group cut off, but occasionally, I run into these people or they want to know what I am up to too. I talk about swimming until they are bored to tears, lol. Not nice I know to socially corner them like that but I feel cornered and served back a taste. In these kinds of situations I start to think but it is THIS this whole dynamic that made me this way to start (feeling rightly justified). Maybe it is true, but I know now that how I behave in this present moment, the compassion I can show to my hurt small self, will spill over into everything else. So, even being able to self soothe, whether it is because there was a row, or you trying to prevent one. Will aid in improving how you are able to respond to these interpersonal relationships you are frustrated by. I wish that was the magic cure all and all that was needed to be done for anyone and poof , resolved. 2 weeks, I can see why you are concerned for yourself. You can always come here if you are needing support. I remember being on holiday in Crete and logging on to chat and in the one mini little internet cafe on the far reaches of the island, because despite my sunning and swimming, I was needing support from this place. I needed to be understood. I needed to the external........ just to help be get through 1/2 a month of what most consider an ideal moment. And you can PM me if you are needing it too. love to you, Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted December 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Hi Sah We'll see how it goes. I guess this will all be a good test of the coping skills Ive been trying to develop, so even if it all goes TU I can identify some stuff to work on. I think I shall just be seeking out the red wine an awful lot too ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Yes, I have been know to tip back the cognac more this time of year. Especially on xmas eve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibley Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 I would dread it also. Although I am also lonely a lot, I dread being with other people. Just don't like people. People don't like me. Yet I'm lonely and hate being alone! Christmas is the loneliest time of year. I really feel for, I know how you feel. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Nothing constructive to say at all, sorry Ross, but I can see how frustrating that must be for you, & I do have lots of for you. Crip xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Wow, Ross, I could have written most of that myself. I share your frustrations: being forced to spend time with people that you find difficult is stressful. Personally, I have decided to go down the unpopular, assertive option. I am going to be myself and tell them how I feel. I understand completely if you find this solution undesirable. I hope your Christmas is better than you anticipate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelbo Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 Hi there, It sounds like you're already anticipating christmas to be awful...but it doesn't have to be. I know that sounds cheesy and you're probably thinking what the hell do I know, you've lived through however many christmasses already and they are all the same...well I guess all I can suggest is try change it? or change your attitude? Your fathers partner sounds like a typical mumsy person - wanting you to look smart (cut your hair). I know it can be annoying, especially such things to be said by someone who you don't see as part of the family really, but just take whatever she says with a pinch of salt. Older people have different likes/dislikes, so to them having longer hair or unshined shoes is the end of the world, whereas to younger people it's fashionable or easier not to. Either way, she probably isn't doing so to spite you, and regardless of what she says, she is your fathers partner...imagine how she must feel - I know how awkward I would feel trying to fit into a family when you know deep down that you aren't a part of it. Does that make sense? I think this is a reason why I could never be with someone who has got kids...because it must be SOO hard trying to fit in, trying to be part of that unit, without being disliked by them. As for her mentioning your sister, she obviously doesn't understand what went on between you two. Perhaps next time she mentions her you could try explaining to her the situation (or how you feel about it, whether there is a chance of you and your sister making up etc.) It is realllly annoying when someone just wont let it go...for years my grandparents have nagged at me to get in touch with my parents even though they know I don't want to. It's frustrating and in my eyes I deem that disrespectful (that they don't just let my wishes be.) BUT - I have to understand it from their perspective, they don't understand the hurt I feel and they just want peace/to see me happy/not alone. Perhaps it is similar with your fathers partner? Perhaps she has close siblings and just wants you to keep family close? I'm very sorry to hear about your grandad. But it's good that you will be going to see him, though I realise it must be so difficult. I think if you feel the need to cry, then just do it. You shouldn't hold back the hurt and thus make more pain just because it might make a few people uncomfortable. If you feel it, then do it. I've often looked back on painful times and wondered why the hell I didn't cry, because it certainly might have helped at the time, for me to start getting over, or getting out some of the emotion, if I had done so. Them being "emotional cripples" as you put it, shouldn't stop you from living the way you want to live. Kids are terrifying!! I am with you on that one. Just struggle through it. As for your old friends, it doesn't matter what you say or not, it isn't a competition - and you shouldn't feel like it is. You could tell them what you've been up to in your spare time, talk about things you want to do/goals you've made etc. Draw on the positives and just ignore the sad parts (especially if you don't feel you want to discuss those parts with them.) And just think, it won't be long until you can go back home and be comfortable again! Christmas is a drag. This year I've pretty much banned christmas. Just remember you're not alone in hating this time of year. Good luck and take care! Hope it all goes down ok. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bereft Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 Hoping it will be over soon. (((((Ross))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 Ross i really hope it helped you to write everything down. there are lots of things about christmas i really love (sorry) but the one thing i get stressed just thinking about is the christmas day meal thing. its just so painful and embarasing and like you say people only want to talk about certain things. they are probably trying to be nice but the problem is they genuinely beleve they are superior to us and they just end up being horrible and rude and they usually end up saying something bad about mental health. so i can relate so much. I didn't even go last year coz i was ill so I dont think i've seen her for 2 years but that sort of thing stays with you. this year its not happening coz my auntie behaved so badly last time, my mum isnt speaking to her so we're not going and omg what a relief. i'm so sorry about your grandad. that must be so hard for you. Is there any way you could go and spend some time with him so youre just alone together? then it won't matter so much if you cry (theres nothing wrong with crying but some people act like crying is like some horrible crime), you can maybe feel closer to him and i'm sure he'll get a sense of some of it, that you care about him and maybe if youve got some time and space for crying, it might be easier to hold it in at times that arent as conveniant my dad never minded the relative gathering thing as much as me and my mum and he says he gets through it by either tuning out and thinking about football instead or sort of trying to distance himself from them like hes watching them on tv and its not real and then he can kind of see the funny side. I dont know why he finds it funny but it obviously works for him and no one knows hes doing that, its not like hes laughing out loud or anything so it doesnt hurt anyone. my parents used to bribe me and my sister to go - she said if we were brave about it and polite to everyone no matter what they said we could have another christmas present. so maybe having a treat to look forward to afterwards might help? alcohol can also be quite good for making it not seem quite as bad, enough to make me happy but not giggly I also liked going to the toilet, you cant do it too many times but you can kind of take your time going upstairs, stand outside the door for a minute pretending you think someones in there, going in, having a look round the bathroom, i used to check my makeup but you probably can't but maybe you can do stuff with your hair, pretend the bolt is too stiff to unlock it, finally manage to unlock it, walk downstairs slowly, that sort of thing I hope its not as bad as you think, i really do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 Heard this tonight and thought you might like it: "Happiness is having a large, close-knit family. In another city." - George Burns Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 ((Ross)) I hope that the two weeks pass quickly and that it is easier than you are thinking. Take care lovely xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflygirl Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 really feel very similar, my anxiety is bad anyway, but visiting relatives makes everything a lot worse. I especially can identify with you about not working and being asked about it, its hard. Hope its not too bad for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 hey rossy just wanted to let u know i have read your post i dont really have any advice that doesnt involve nuclear weapons and indeed, nothing lasts forever ((((((((rossymctinkles)))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted December 22, 2010 Report Share Posted December 22, 2010 ((((((Ross))))))) Am finding words abit difficult at the mo but i am thinking about you. I know what you mean about putting the mask on and being on stage. I hate it too!!!!! xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marc-74 Posted December 22, 2010 Report Share Posted December 22, 2010 Hey Ross, all I can ad is, if they really do get to much, you are more than welcome to join myself and jades at anytime during your stay in London. Our door will always be open to you, I really mean it. take care mate marc x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted December 22, 2010 Report Share Posted December 22, 2010 ooohhh oooohhh absolutely fluffy friend! marc marley and i will put on our christmas bandit outfits and fluffy-nap u if u'd like * starts painting black lines on the white jumpers * big hugs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted December 22, 2010 Report Share Posted December 22, 2010 hey ross, can totally relate. my xmas involves my family sitting staring at the telly and not talking, despite having spent hundreds of pounds on food and presents and decorations. i used to try and get them to play games or chat or at least put something christmassy on telly; now i've just given up, and go up to my room as soon as possible and read or go on the computer. they don't even notice: i used to feel guilty that i was spending time apart from them, but now i try not to. i suppose what i've learnt is that i just have to accept that they would rather watch tv (seriously, last year my brother craned his head around me over xmas lunch to watch tv!!) than chat or tell jokes or play games. i don't even have a tv in my house and i find it really intrusive when i go somewhere where there is a tv on, even in the background. and for years i've beaten myself up for feeling bad for doing what i want when i'm at my parents' but fuck that, i'm not feeling bad when they can't even make the effort to ask how i am, take the dog out together or play a game with the family that is there literally once a year. i know it's not exactly the same situation as you have, but i hope that we can both struggle through trying to accept other people's behaviour and not letting it impact on us so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted December 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2010 Hullo everyone Just to say its all going much better than I thought, actually enjoying self more than I imagined Went out and saw friends last night, had a good giggle and actually was hoarse from laughing Fingers crossed all will continue to be ok Hope other folkies are having ok time, big snuggles to those having poopmas instead of christmas Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted December 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2010 Hey Ross, all I can ad is, if they really do get to much, you are more than welcome to join myself and jades at anytime during your stay in London. Our door will always be open to you, I really mean it. take care mate marc x Lol panda-napping Ta for offer and kind words So far things seem to be going ok - either I have chilled out a lot or they have, maybe a combination of both ... plus my dad has a super powerful computer so its video game heaven at the moment. SO no need to bail so far :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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