hummm_mabbe Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Hi Just wanted to have a mini vent about morning doom - dunno if you get it too, but when I wake up I have this cloud of doom hanging over me, and the earlier I get up, the more doomy it seems. I know its just part of depression / anxiety, and even has a name: "Diurnal mood variation", but it is kinna irritating to wake each day with this sense that the world has suddenly become uber threatening and dangerous. Its like the feeling makes my brain start trawling the memory banks for times Ive made a prat of myself or upset someone, like little gremlins on a conveyor belt being wheeled past holding snaphots of my most excruciatingly embarassing moments. "Ooh are you making breakfast? Muesli, very nice. Remember that time you made an utter arse of yourself in that restaurant? Yeeeees, of course you do. Byeeeeee". It usually passes after a few hours of being awake, and by the evening I normally feel much more chill. I know that the only way to get rid of it is addressing the underlying depression / anxiety, which I am doing. But its still kind of irritating to have to wake up with it. Bloody gremlins. Someone must have given them water just after midnight Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 I was woken up with a call of doom..... I know that feeling... are you avoiding something unpleasant? I know I do, alot. Just having my mum as a mum causes me to wake with this feeling. Makes me think oh god do I have to be the one to care for her into her old age when she is a major trigger to all my pain?!!! Try and look somewhere into the future when you KNOW you will not feel like this. This too shall pass... try not to ruminate on it, distract, distract, distract!! Love and hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 I haven't had this happen since I started the Abilify a month ago, one of the things I was glad to see disappear, but I am equal dreading their return when I come off. I feel so immobilized like I have to watch myself sabotage a perfectly good day to my depression/anxiety. The repetitiveness of them, make be feel like I doing wasting my life pushing the same boulder out of the way to even get to my life. How you usually work through them? hope you are starting to feel better now, Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Hullo Urmz well I guess to get through it at the mo, I just sort of try to accept its 'here', and (as usual) use me mindfulness to stand back from the thoughts and horrid body feelings it produces. Its sort of like the body feeling is the 'root' of it, and the thoughts are random but just have the same emotional tone that is in my body at the time. So it never relates to something that is bothering me at the time - the thoughts I have when I feel like it can be from a decade and a half ago. I just have to stay as present as I can, assure myself that the world isnt suddenly 6 times more dangerous than last night, and catch thoughts as they surface. The stuff I picked up about impermanance and not self from buddhism helps too - seeing feelings and thoughts as just sensations arising, and not necessarily 'truth'. Its also helpful to avoid things like the news or any triggery things, as its really hard to stay present at that time of day. Whats abilify? Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Abilify is an Antipsychoctic med. I run into terrifying paranoia and it was getting to be too much, reacting to it and confused at its lack of realness. Anyway, I commend you for being able to use your mindfulness to navigate it, my best result has been to just get "doing" rather than over thinking, so engaging in my life seems to help, like cleaning house or pool time or anything that involves living life rather than thinking life. It sound over simplified when I type it and it is not. I get so lost in shoulds and I wonder if that is where it stems from, that I should be swimming, looking for a job, already up by now etc... Impermanence is a very good way to look at it. I think impermanence and radical acceptance have helped me the most this last year. So, I stop trying to control everything, make life on my terms, haha. I do struggle with mindfulness and meditation first of the day because, I really still feel so asleep and groggy, you know just trying to get down that first cup of coffee, let alone start pushing boulders around. But, I think what you are describing usually hits me before I can even get out of bed and then its just hide back in the pillows for more sleep and hope when I re surface it has subsided. I am trying to make it more like a part of the way I think though, being mindful, returning back to my own heart space of gentleness with myself too. Hard not to feel ambushed by doom and react from there. I am surprised when I catch myself reacting instead of responding to life, I think would be further along than that by now. ho hum.....still learning. Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Abilify is an Antipsychoctic med. I run into terrifying paranoia and it was getting to be too much, reacting to it and confused at its lack of realness. Anyway, I commend you for being able to use your mindfulness to navigate it, my best result has been to just get "doing" rather than over thinking, so engaging in my life seems to help, like cleaning house or pool time or anything that involves living life rather than thinking life. It sound over simplified when I type it and it is not. I get so lost in shoulds and I wonder if that is where it stems from, that I should be swimming, looking for a job, already up by now etc... Impermanence is a very good way to look at it. I think impermanence and radical acceptace have helped me the most this last year. So, I stop trying to control everything, make life on my terms, haha. I do struggle with mindfulness and meditation first of the day because, I really still feel so asleep and groggy, you know just trying to get down that first cup of coffee, let alone start pushing boulders around. But, I think what you are describing usually hits me before I can even get out of bed and then its just hide back in the pillows for more sleep and hope when I re surface it has subsided. I am trying to make it more like a part of the way I think though, being mindful, returning back to my own hear space of gentleness with myself too. Hard not to feel ambushed by doom and react from there. I am surprised when I catch myself reacting instead of responding to life, I think would be further along than that by now. ho hum.....still learning. Sah The bold bit - absolutely. When I wake up, I usually just give myself about 30 minutes before doing anything, its like there's no way I wanna get out of the safe warm because moving is almost painful. I suppose in that state its just like all the nerves are raw - my body reacts to any little stress, so especially if its cold, that feeling is almost painful. So its a massive battle to get out of bed. Setting the heating to come on has been helping, but yeah to be honest its just been like "ok I am awake, time to meditate", and actually make the focus be the shitty feelings. That seems to actually control them, oddly. I have been trying to perfect a little trick I discovered in meditation, where I seem to be able to produce this powerful feeling of pleasure in my lower body by meditating on the sensations in the base of my spine. It sounds bizarre, but I get these really nice waves of pleasure when I do it. I am trying to figure out how to do it with the rest of my body too, and bring it up to my heart and lungs - which tend to be the centre of the most shitty feelings On a bizarre note, I also discovered I can unblock a blocked nose by meditating on certain feelings in my nostrils That was a pretty cool (if useless) discovery ... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 it sounds like you are beginning to wake the kundalini... another way of saying you feel the rish of blood in your core and you know what you want..... getting there has been hard enough but the power to harness your own sexuality can reveal mysterious clues as to your core being. I hope I don't sound too new age and irrelevant. But what you describe is similar to feelings of people who have studied the self for thousands of years. I admire your courage to face these demons without the pull to quash the feelings with medication. It takes a brave soul to contain themselves under such immense pressure. xxxxx According to the psychiatrist Carl Jung, "...the concept of Kundalini has for us only one use, that is, to describe our own experiences with the unconscious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Tuning into my heart space has become easier and more automatic, the more I learn to do it. Yes, So many hurts and issues melt away when I can tune in, be present to that part of myself. I will have to try reaching for meditation instead of coffee first thing, don't know how far I'll get....but I think I will give it a try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 it sounds like you are beginning to wake the kundalini... another way of saying you feel the rish of blood in your core and you know what you want..... getting there has been hard enough but the power to harness your own sexuality can reveal mysterious clues as to your core being. I hope I don't sound too new age and irrelevant. But what you describe is similar to feelings of people who have studied the self for thousands of years. I admire your courage to face these demons without the pull to quash the feelings with medication. It takes a brave soul to contain themselves under such immense pressure. xxxxx **blush** yeah it has got a bit of a sexamiffic edge to it Sometimes it can erupt in these nice big waves which go all through my body, which is cool. Been told I mustnt get 'attached' to pleasure if I want to get to the other jhanas / stages of insight though - I figure if this can help me with my depression / anxiety, I may as well go all the way and keep meditating to enlightenment Even if it takes til im 92 ... Ross EDIT: Liking the Jung quote That was one amazing gentleman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Tuning into my heart space has become easier and more automatic, the more I learn to do it. Yes, So many hurts and issues melt away when I can tune in, be present to that part of myself. I will have to try reaching for meditation instead of coffee first thing, don't know how far I'll get....but I think I will give it a try. THATS what I find hard - the heart space. I found so much defensiveness in there, and so much of the bad stuff I feel seems to live in my heart, like a scared, cold sharp feeling thats there so often. I did find that doing loving kindness meditation for bunnies (dont laugh, it worked ) opened it up a bit, maybe I will keep practicing and eventually move onto hoomans I can wish happiness and safety for fluffity buns and feel that warm feeling a lot easier. Loving kindness has been something I have found difficult, I think I need to embrace that more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 They say when you start, Loving Kindness you cry or feel angry because the crusts of your heart start to break up and melt away. I was shocked to find I was a kind and loving person, who has so much love to give. Do you do the guided meditations or just on your own? Yay, Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 They say when you start, Loving Kindness you cry or feel angry because the crusts of your heart start to break up and melt away. I was shocked to find I was a kind and loving person, who has so much love to give. Do you do the guided meditations or just on your own? Yay, Sah Hmm thats a good question. I usually try them on my own, using the "may you be happy / healthy / safe / free from suffering" words, and timing them to the breath. I try to picture the person (ok, bunny) being all those things whilst sort of maintaining an awareness of my heart area. I think you are right about a crust of anger - thats what comes up for me, and very shortly an intense frustration and desire to stop. I guess it starts to feel like I am trying to "make myself feel loving", when I in fact feel angry, and thats when all sorts of other stuff starts surfacing. Its a very uncomfortable physical sensation, literally like I am strangling myself. Like I am strangling the anger away to 'make myself' feel loving, and instead feel horribly controlled or subjugated. Weird eh? I am pretty surprised I havent figured out what a rich source of feelings that is to explore ... ta for the eye opener! Do you know of some other ways to do it, or some good guided ones? Whoooo quite excited Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 They say when you start, Loving Kindness you cry or feel angry because the crusts of your heart start to break up and melt away. I was shocked to find I was a kind and loving person, who has so much love to give. Do you do the guided meditations or just on your own? Yay, Sah Hmm thats a good question. I usually try them on my own, using the "may you be happy / healthy / safe / free from suffering" words, and timing them to the breath. I try to picture the person (ok, bunny) being all those things whilst sort of maintaining an awareness of my heart area. I think you are right about a crust of anger - thats what comes up for me, and very shortly an intense frustration and desire to stop. I guess it starts to feel like I am trying to "make myself feel loving", when I in fact feel angry, and thats when all sorts of other stuff starts surfacing. Its a very uncomfortable physical sensation, literally like I am strangling myself. Like I am strangling the anger away to 'make myself' feel loving, and instead feel horribly controlled or subjugated. Weird eh? I am pretty surprised I havent figured out what a rich source of feelings that is to explore ... ta for the eye opener! Do you know of some other ways to do it, or some good guided ones? Whoooo quite excited Ross The Insight Meditation Society, which I would be really curious to visit some day, has been one of my best resources for practing ouside DBT or a class. I do a lot of the guided meditations and do the Loving Kindness Lying down a lot, because that is actually what it takes for me to not resist myself and cop an attitude of self protection. I do the guided when I feel I need the hand holding. I listen to the talks to help me understand what hell it is really suppose to be about, lol. And in the last year I can see I am improving. It dawned on me, that was the thing missing in my life and I actually could give it to myself, wow! Mega breakthrough time for me on that front. (hope you can stomach the American accent though, lol) http://www.audiodharma.org/series/1/talk/1728/ http://www.audiodharma.org/teacher/127/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 OMG audiodharma happens to be the site I go to pretty much every day! Gil Fronsdal is my favey one, been listening to him for about 3-4 years, one of my older therapists recommended it. Defo gonna try the LK meditation a bit later Fankee ta, audiodharma sister person :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Aw, we were already on the same page. Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Hmm well I thought I would write down what happened when I did the guided one. As before, some difficult feelings came up. This is what happened: - I felt a sense of anger at the phrase "may I be happy". It felt like a demand, or a criticism, as if to say "Oh why cant you just be happy?", like I was failing to do something simple that would lead to happiness. I tried replacing it with the idea of someone saying to me "I would like to give you happiness", and then tried saying that to myself. That brought about more of a sense of having that blessing to be happy, or "it would be nice for you to be happy" thing. Seems the wording is quite important to me. - I chose my ex therapist, a bloke, as the focus for the 'other'. I felt a sense of inappropriateness, like it was 'wrong'. This is something I have talked about before, a sense that a 'close' relationship with someone can only be sexual, and so to wish those kind of warm sentiments for a man is 'wrong'. There is very much that sort of self-shame arising. Just tried carrying on and accepting it, and it seemed to sort of go and come back. Also happens with imagining women that I cannot or should not be sexual with. - I also felt angry, a sense of "why am i wishing him happiness? He already has it. Its me that needs it". So a kind of resentment coming up. - Another source of anger was "i cannot be happy, because people want to hurt me and there is nowhere safe. Until i can 'handle' those dangerous people, I cannot be safe and so I cannot be happy". I guess I am just going to have to work with those feelings, let them be there and persevere. As you say, maybe all this stuff is the crust. I know a lot of these feelings get in the way in my relationships in general, so perhaps this is going to be very helpful in this area too. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Ross, Since we are sharing here, perhaps I will share what arises for me. It is interesting to actually compare notes with someone (kinda nice). Hmm well I thought I would write down what happened when I did the guided one. As before, some difficult feelings came up. This is what happened: - I felt a sense of anger at the phrase "may I be happy". It felt like a demand, or a criticism, as if to say "Oh why cant you just be happy?", like I was failing to do something simple that would lead to happiness. I tried replacing it with the idea of someone saying to me "I would like to give you happiness", and then tried saying that to myself. That brought about more of a sense of having that blessing to be happy, or "it would be nice for you to be happy" thing. Seems the wording is quite important to me. I say, by letting go of my breathing and focus on a half smile haIf smile to warm my heart, just a general good will toward me. (I do feel I deserve to be happy and I truly do want it). I know this stuff feels cheesy to write or talk about on this forum so I hope it translates. Gil talks of it just being a general sense of wishing yourself well being as an intention or a seed you are planting. May I be happy May I be peaceful May I live with ease of mind May I be filled with kindness Wording is very important and for awhile I could only do one person's guided meditation because of their tone of voice and wording, but over the year I have watched it fluctuate going from higher to lower tolerances at various times. When I first started like the first couple of times I would feel nothing at all. I only did, "loving kindness on the go" because sitting was way too much to hope for. I chose my ex therapist, a bloke, as the focus for the 'other'. I felt a sense of inappropriateness, like it was 'wrong'. This is something I have talked about before, a sense that a 'close' relationship with someone can only be sexual, and so to wish those kind of warm sentiments for a man is 'wrong'. There is very much that sort of self-shame arising. Just tried carrying on and accepting it, and it seemed to sort of go and come back. Also happens with imagining women that I cannot or should not be sexual with. - I also felt angry, a sense of "why am i wishing him happiness? He already has it. Its me that needs it". So a kind of resentment coming up. I choose an old friend and mentor of mine, my foster mother. I think an old-T is like a mentor in so many ways and actually quite appropriate. In the practice some people spend a whole week just on themselves and approach the other people only one week at a time or only after they have felt they have mastered one and are ready to go onto another. So, I think if it is not possible for you to include people just yet, its okay. Animals are a good start at tapping into that non threatening sense of love and good will. Changing the phrases as needed,. I can't always will well in all moments so I do what I can sincerely. May you be physically healthy May you be healthy of mind May you be safe May you be peaceful Hmm well I thought I would write down what happened when I did the guided one. As before, some difficult feelings came up. This is what happened: - Another source of anger was "i cannot be happy, because people want to hurt me and there is nowhere safe. Until i can 'handle' those dangerous people, I cannot be safe and so I cannot be happy". I guess I am just going to have to work with those feelings, let them be there and persevere. As you say, maybe all this stuff is the crust. I know a lot of these feelings get in the way in my relationships in general, so perhaps this is going to be very helpful in this area too. Ross Well, then I think the idea of planting a seed of good intention and tending it is what is in order met thinks. I struggle with the difficult person and strangers or offering loving kindness to a group or in all directions of the earth. At that point I want to just say you must be kidding, if they have anything to do with me or care about me or that I should even bother having to think about world peace and happiness, its not like my goal is to be a humanitarian. I just want my crazy head to have some calm. So part of my practice to to look for examples of good will, and people with good intentions (no manipulation or harm) and try and practice a sense of interacting or wishing them well. Slowly, I am learning to feel more connected to humanity, but mostly as a result of participating on the forum, as my means of interacting with society. I know you are super fingers and can type fast, but that took me ages, lol. It sounds like you are doing well. I listened to all the talks on Metta I could just to help me learn if I was doing it right and understanding properly. Sharon Salzberg is my fave, but I think you know that. May you be happy, Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 Hullo Aww poor fingies, hope you didnt wear them out Ta for the typey typey. I think as you say, this is going to be an important practice for me to pick up properly - to actually wrestle with the difficulties its bringing me. I usually do a 30 minute sitting meditation (pure concentration on the breath) a day, and try to be mindfully present all the time throughout the day with everything I do, so I shall think about giving over a little chunk to LK. I will give the half smile a go as well, that might beef up the goodwill a little. As you say, maybe work on bunnies for a week, then try someone like my ex T May you be fluffy Ross EDIT: Am listening to Sharon's retreat talk now :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 Aw your last post made me smile, I am glad you have a willingness to explore it. I know just because it works for me doesn't make it a perfect cure all for others. I have just never run into anything capable of soothing my anger and hurts. And to think it is really me doing it, I am soothing myself. Thanks for the fluff too, love the pic. Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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