Benway Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 OK, i got up at 8.15. First time i have been up that early in ages. Washed, dressed, etc. Had quite a cheery attitude. However, I have financial stuffs I am a bit worried about. I am not in debt, thank god, but i'm pretty poor all the same, smoking tobacco and found enough for a take-away coffee when i went down to the chemist / shops earlier is where its at. Poverty = fear. I got a cheque for 100e from a relative for xmas. This cheque is floating around the living room somewhere-i need to find & cash it-, and on looking for it, i found a card from the vet wishing me & the cats a happy xmas etc, plus a handwritten note from the vet hoping girlie is well, as she was ill before she went missing. That really upset me... shes gone... Then i started ruminating on the past - never a good idea- and got really angry about how my ex has treated me, things he did to me, etc. I have about 8 years of papers- forms, bank statements, bills, letters etc, waiting to be 'done' so i got stuck into them as i find i can do housework when angry- but the stuff i found just made me worse. I really tried to start the day properly, and be thankful for what I have, now i am an emotional wreck, According to feng shui, when you see something in your home that even on the most subconcious of levels reminds you of bad times, bad people, -it kinda leaves a little 'dent' in ones psyche- and if one lives with this stuff around, it will manifest itself in depression, fear, low self esteem... I don't even know what i am ranting about here!! I am angry and irritable, thinking i tried to start the week on the right foot, and fustrated at the clutter and organising I have to do,plus all this paperwork etc i have to go thru , a lot is custody of Justin related. I miss him living here so much. I miss my cat girlie so much :'( A few yrs ago a few strong trigger like this wouldve had me at a&e, but I know that they can't help me... I have to help me. And its sooooo f***ing frustrating!!!!!! *sigh* Thank you for reading, a.m x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibley Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 So sorry you are going through this. You sound like you have so much to worry about. You don't have to apologise for 'ranting', that's what we are all here for. I don't have any advice, I'm just thinking about you. I really hope things start to improve for you. Also, I am so sorry about your cat, losing an animal is very distressing and I do really feel your pain. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 ((((((((AM)))))))) yeah it is frustrating im with you on that one. i dont really have any words of wisdom just can offer u my support toast xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 A few yrs ago a few strong trigger like this wouldve had me at a&e, but I know that they can't help me... I have to help me. and that shows just how strong you are now - even tho at times like this you may not be able to see it so clearly... proud of you for coming here and venting it all instead of the alternative... cant really help much practically with all the other stuff, but want to send you love and hugs... kath xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 I think I understand how the fear kicked it all off, because it shakes your sense of safety, which is interlaced in every part of your life. So, that little dent you are talking about makes a lot of sense to me. This happens to me too, as I am deeply afraid of poverty and living in the gutter of life. It just has that domino effect and grows itself. I am sorry, I hope you can find that check and get at least a little bit of peace and regroup. I wish I knew a way to work through this too, I find myself in the same boat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted January 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thank you guys, I am really grateful for all of your support. I feel guilty for sitting around online , the woman next door has offered me a lift to the bank as she is going, but its started raining now, - just got a skype call from her to tell me to b ready ... i don't feel up to this, when we go out its always an 'expedition' *paniky* fucked if i even know what is actually wrong with me .... i'll try not ruminate anymore, I will come back to this to thank youse, but for now enjoy the afternoon and i will be back hopefully in a better mood in few hours. Big massive hugs to everyone, i just feel kinda empty... mehhhhhhhh xxxxxx a.m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 ((((((((((a.m)))))))))) got nowt to offer I'm afraid, love. But am thinking of you, and sending you huggles and love as always. xxxxxx PS - the cheques over there *points* just under that... *wiggles arm around and points again to get your attention* (hey, it could work again!) xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 ((((((badkitteh)))))) sorry nothing useful to say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Sorry Hun (((((am)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 (((kitteh))) im sorry your having a blip but look how far you;ve come eh?X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted January 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thank you everyone, I am ok now but it was the nearest to 'crisis mad bpd thinking suicide hospital tablets' that i have been in a while... It got worse before it got better! at the shopping centre with the neighbour , she lost me, i had a panic attack, and a sulk and i walked home, - which kinda walked the temper out of me, Im fine now! I am going to see the psych on wed, even tho my apt not till next week, they have not seen me since sept, but i guess i did manage to muddle through. I dunno, one minute i want to see the psychs, try meds, - the next i am questioning psychiatry/ western meds in general... I just have a pain in me hole with these mood swings- can ya relate? I have a book here called 'the borderline & the buddha' i might give that a shot tonight seeing as i have counceling tommorrow, and i feel like i might be able to read again, or watch tv. I normally don't have the concentration. And i do realise i would have been an a&e case for whatever reason a while back. So glad i seem to have a bit of control. Thanks again fr all your support - it really means a lot, you don't realise how much. a.m xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Glad you feel a bit better. Know what you mean about dents...I feel full of them atm. Supportive hugs xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cw590 Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 ((((((Badkitteh))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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