canadianbumble Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 A few days ago I tentatively came back on this site to reconnect with my lovely friends and let them know I had been thinking of them and hadn't vanished into oblivion. I'd been staying away and trying to get on with life. But damn it, soon as i'd written those words I found myself sucked back in. Reading forums, reading distress, wanting to right it, wanting hold out my hand and again beginning to question my own darn sanity. Truth is, I was on full avoidance mode: my absence had been carefully choreographed with my psychiatrists appointments and mental health person dates. The more I read the more i identify the more RL falls aside. A preoccupation with how are you all ensues and my own brain is starting to turn itself into knots. It starts quite innocently, flashes in the corner of my vision, I see things moving. Then I'm looking out the window I see horses running down the frozen river through the window but I can't work out maybe it's a reflection perhaps they're running down the road . Never-mind forget about it. Don't acknowledge the permanent soundtrack in my head forget it. Two days no work just clicking the computer to no particular meaning advancement, becoming unstuck.My capacity to fool myself and those around me is quite astonishing I am my own personal Derren Brown I have been the life and soul of several doomed dinner parties not wishing to sound my own trumpet but that's how it was. Awkwardly winging it on glasses of champagne I'm sure my lifestyle sounds intriguing. Let it be known I did not partake in the oyster shooters. Vodka and oyster in a shot glass. Excuse I'm driving yeah right. Well I did'n't throw up i been sober in the spaces inbetween until today. Why is it that I can't do what I did last week? Just write a list, cross off the list, get on with it. Meet all expectations and exceed them. Today I finished half a bottle of wine for lunch and now I've cracked open a beer. The stupid thing is that the beer tastes so disgusting I can hardly drink it because of the Topomax that i'm on but still I am feeding my alcoholism all I want to do is pass out. Not just that My mind is planning a spliff and it feels that the iron control that I've had over myself for the past couple of mmonths has taken a holiday and I 'm in full wreck head mode and what's more is that I like it. I want it. It is this that I know is my danger the constant pan that I'm trying to keep off the boil. Wrecklessness, faced with responsibility, self-sabbotage. Well my God we know it couldn 't last so well for so long. A self fulfilling prophecy. And I'm kicking myself under the table for allowing myself to come back here. For indulging my spirit to feel when I'm better not feeling at all. What I get carried away with is the freedom to just let go let any direction, take course, a fractal, a chaos but so mathmatically planned and watching it spin out of control has a beauty that I cannot convey because in it's chaos. There is so much pattern a symmerty it has me transfixed. I know it's dangerouse and that's what I like. When the different parts of me come spilling out that I cannot control It's like watching a rainbow explode except it's more deadly but beautiful all the same. I cannot explain it I'm rushing now so perhaps this is not the best time. Oh and the thoughts I have the manipulation of my existing meds my existing being how would it feel , and you would say what luxury have you to choose which way you'd turn but not really beccause they say go here go there change this do that but I guess I can go back to pretend it's not there Quite uneventful just nothing, no feeling fit in nicely, appropriately me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Sorry I think I should have put this in attention seeekers because it would have been more appropriate.oopss please talk to me I'm not so beautiful but a bit desperate now thanx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 I myself would have been part of the oyster shooter crowd and worked my way over to the champagne. There have been times that I have had to make myself stay home because I knew it would be the safest place for me to drink and stay out of trouble, that also means staying out of trouble at home too. Alcohol can be an effective lubricant to get in touch with stuff inside we want to be able to tap into quickly, emotions welling but not surfacing, the acting out we might me longing push out and away from ourselves. But, it is crap at being the solution to the problem. It sounds like you have been feeling too contained and fragmented within yourself. Yes, I think we all have parts that need different kinds of attention. I think it is important to attend to them too. I have always been a big fan of harm reduction, because it acknowledges what is and only asks you only to keep yourself safe. Hopefully, the site could be supportive in some ways not just sanity sucking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Hi there, glad you are still around and doing your best if you ever want to chat pm me...I can relate to your post very well...xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Hi ((bumble)) I just woke up.. so don't have so much to say, can barely formulate a sentance. But I read your post, This is such a silly answer to your post- *fumbles nervously* I hope you are ok- d'ya reckon you might be going a bit high? I hope you are ok and safe anyway, ;love a.m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Hmm actually don't see it as sanity sucking just that I feel compelled it draws me in like I am draw in to anyone in RL who need s reassurance a shoulder etc This site for me is also a shoulder though. especially as I have noone in RL.And I think that is the attraction in giving and recieving. Your words always ring very wise Sahara. xxx Hi Helpless hugs to 'y'all. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 oooh kitehh just read your post do ya think? maybeee kinda sparkeeyyee. going to be a little naughty and havea wee smoke to see if i chill a bit luv ya's bumbles. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 I see that makes more sense. I have always thought your post were helpful too, so I was a bit confused, but I don't always trust I am reading people right, including myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 :) LOL *is having a smoke too* xxx (()) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Well I am shot away today and am wondering where it will end. feeling a little bit of a lose cannon. Have to make a kick arse curry for my boys oh hell get myself back on track. Come on girl straight and true.God do I love the out of control spiral just nearly jumping on it whole-heartedly. foolish I know .xxxxxx all of you xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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