boobsticle Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 Epiphanies come from the strangest of places. Mine took the form of a message from someone I swore I would never let into my life again. I have been in dark places many times, almost to the point of perpetualty. I saw no light, everything was dark. My tunnel didn't have an ending, no light at the end of it to guide me, only darkness for me to tumble and crawl my way through, as the blackness clawed at me, threatening to pull me into its abyss. Several times it did. I have felt death, seen its beady eyes. I have given myself into it like the darkness has always been clamouring for me to do. Death has no sting. Or so it felt. All until I felt myself being touched, rescued, saved by a stranger. Pulled out of the water, given CPR, bundled into an ambulance with his coat still around me. My anonymous rescuer. The sinking into the blackness could be no different from the sharp thrust into the light. They hurt, stung, forced me to see. Nurses surrounded me. I yearned to be back in the throes of death. I faded. Once again, death greeted me. His embrace looked warm and inviting. I stretched out to him. I was jolted back into a world of lights and sounds. Pain surrounded me, so much pain. I tried to fade again but couldn't. The pain grounded me. I was alive. The stranger... That was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. The first stranger, who saved my life and who I have never seen since, was followed by two new saviours, of their own kind. Friends. Friends with love to offer. They came for me, took me with them, kept me safe, made me realise I wasn't alone. That there is always love in unknown places, hidden in corners by the surrounding dark. Perpetual love to conquer the perpetual darkness. Life isn't easy. Nothing is easy that is worth fighting for. It is only recently, even this last month, that I have begun to feel like I am healing. It took 3 years of an abusive relationship (which followed so many more years of abuse), the love of and for an abuser, more scars than ever before, but I am now healing. Slowly, but surely. So slowly I only noticed it happening today, when something which might have previously led me to a suicide attempt, instead led me to tears. I have not cried so catharticly for as long as I can remember. I have not cried at something specific in almost as long. I feel purified. I recently realised that I am not to blame for what has happened to me, it was just a series of horrible events perpetrated by people equally as damaged as I am. No one is to blame for the things that life throws at them. We are all actors in a play and none of us know the script. We just improvise our way through. Some of us get away with it, they are rewarded with flowers and the crowd's love for their improvisation, when they had no obstacles. We have to battle through our improvisation, constantly having difficult or impossible things thrown at us. We get no recognition for our battle through the play, but we have the solidarity of one another. We are in this together, the few people here who battle with demons every day. Fight wars no 'normal' person could ever conceive of. Fury through with strength that by all rights, we should not have. We are fighters, all of us. We can make it through this war, we can win back what is ours. Inner peace. There will be casualties along the way. No wars are fought without leaving scars on the warriors. But these scars will make us better people. We have a depth of sympathy and understanding no one who hasn't fought could ever possess. We, all of us, understand how it feels to be in despair. How it feels to want to give into death, to self-destruct. We, however, have fought through, we continue to fight. We may lose battles along the way, but the war can be won. There is always a light. Today, I finally came across my light. It is far off into the distance, but with every day I live on and fight on, I draw nearer to it. I am recovering, healing, accepting all that has happened to be, not forgiving the people who did it but I have sympathy for them, they are as damaged as I. The only person who can win my war is me. Today I won another battle, my war's end approaches. I will bear my scars with pride, they make me a better person. Where there is darkness, there is love to be found. The journey to the light will not be easy for any of us, but I believe we have the strength and perserverence to make it. We can do this, all of us. Together. I have a feeling now. I wouldn't call the feeling happiness... I would call it hope. There is a future, I will be there to live it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 :') Completely lost for words hun. Such a beautiful thing to read, bursting with happiness for you. Thank you so much for sharing this hun. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted February 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 Really glad you like it x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleweed71 Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 Epiphanies come from the strangest of places. Mine took the form of a message from someone I swore I would never let into my life again. I have been in dark places many times, almost to the point of perpetualty. I saw no light, everything was dark. My tunnel didn't have an ending, no light at the end of it to guide me, only darkness for me to tumble and crawl my way through, as the blackness clawed at me, threatening to pull me into its abyss. Several times it did. I have felt death, seen its beady eyes. I have given myself into it like the darkness has always been clamouring for me to do. Death has no sting. Or so it felt. All until I felt myself being touched, rescued, saved by a stranger. Pulled out of the water, given CPR, bundled into an ambulance with his coat still around me. My anonymous rescuer. The sinking into the blackness could be no different from the sharp thrust into the light. They hurt, stung, forced me to see. Nurses surrounded me. I yearned to be back in the throes of death. I faded. Once again, death greeted me. His embrace looked warm and inviting. I stretched out to him. I was jolted back into a world of lights and sounds. Pain surrounded me, so much pain. I tried to fade again but couldn't. The pain grounded me. I was alive. The stranger... That was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. The first stranger, who saved my life and who I have never seen since, was followed by two new saviours, of their own kind. Friends. Friends with love to offer. They came for me, took me with them, kept me safe, made me realise I wasn't alone. That there is always love in unknown places, hidden in corners by the surrounding dark. Perpetual love to conquer the perpetual darkness. Life isn't easy. Nothing is easy that is worth fighting for. It is only recently, even this last month, that I have begun to feel like I am healing. It took 3 years of an abusive relationship (which followed so many more years of abuse), the love of and for an abuser, more scars than ever before, but I am now healing. Slowly, but surely. So slowly I only noticed it happening today, when something which might have previously led me to a suicide attempt, instead led me to tears. I have not cried so catharticly for as long as I can remember. I have not cried at something specific in almost as long. I feel purified. I recently realised that I am not to blame for what has happened to me, it was just a series of horrible events perpetrated by people equally as damaged as I am. No one is to blame for the things that life throws at them. We are all actors in a play and none of us know the script. We just improvise our way through. Some of us get away with it, they are rewarded with flowers and the crowd's love for their improvisation, when they had no obstacles. We have to battle through our improvisation, constantly having difficult or impossible things thrown at us. We get no recognition for our battle through the play, but we have the solidarity of one another. We are in this together, the few people here who battle with demons every day. Fight wars no 'normal' person could ever conceive of. Fury through with strength that by all rights, we should not have. We are fighters, all of us. We can make it through this war, we can win back what is ours. Inner peace. There will be casualties along the way. No wars are fought without leaving scars on the warriors. But these scars will make us better people. We have a depth of sympathy and understanding no one who hasn't fought could ever possess. We, all of us, understand how it feels to be in despair. How it feels to want to give into death, to self-destruct. We, however, have fought through, we continue to fight. We may lose battles along the way, but the war can be won. There is always a light. Today, I finally came across my light. It is far off into the distance, but with every day I live on and fight on, I draw nearer to it. I am recovering, healing, accepting all that has happened to be, not forgiving the people who did it but I have sympathy for them, they are as damaged as I. The only person who can win my war is me. Today I won another battle, my war's end approaches. I will bear my scars with pride, they make me a better person. Where there is darkness, there is love to be found. The journey to the light will not be easy for any of us, but I believe we have the strength and perserverence to make it. We can do this, all of us. Together. I have a feeling now. I wouldn't call the feeling happiness... I would call it hope. There is a future, I will be there to live it. your story moved me beyond words and almost to tears hang in there we'll keep fighting with you :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maize Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 I been there too and know this. Thank you for writing and sharing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverwolf Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 Truely inspirational and very well written, thanks for sharing Arrakis x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted February 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 I'm really glad you all like it. It honestly was written from the heart and I wanted it to inspire people. I feel so much more happy with my life than I did this time last year (when I wrote my life story thread and I was probably at my most depressed) and the distance I've come has surprised me so much, I never thought I could feel anywhere near as content with my life as I do now and I wanted to share it in case anyone else felt like I did then: that there was no hope. There is always hope, with perseverance there will always be results, no matter how long they take to appear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonrain Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 That just made me happy :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icu_baby Posted February 12, 2011 Report Share Posted February 12, 2011 Arrikis, have you ever thought about writing an autobiography about your life. You write so beautifully? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted March 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Arrikis, have you ever thought about writing an autobiography about your life. You write so beautifully? Awww this really made me chuffed I did genuinely consider it for a while, but it would be a bit dark and miserable :/ maybe when I'm older and have recovery totally under my belt I'd consider it more. Might start blogging actually. Thank you :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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