Cannot Do Ed Therapy Again

[anon.]

Sometime in December I made a list of the things I 'want' in a fit of utter frustration. None of them were unreasonable - to have a bit more of a routine, to feel I can spend time doing the things I value, to finish my MA. Though I have been in and out of treatment for anorexia for the past ten years, the weight I was at was too much so one of them was to be no more than --kg at any given time.

So I'm there. Underweight yes, but not much. Because of this of course they're referring me back to ED services. I'm not going. I just can't do that again. I'm pretty sure the whole thing has made me worse. They push all the buttons that get me to eat again. I do, put of weight but it seems by just switching that thing off in my brain, not being able to think about food, or look at myself, etc. I just shovel it in in a kinda panicked way, while numb from the neck down. I'm too exhausted to go through all that again.

I don't think I need to be back in ED services. I don't want to be skeletal, I don't want to be anything other than able to get on with my life now and focus on my other priorities.

But then it scares me that I can't. I decided tocday where I would walk to, much shorter than usual now I've hit that goal, but I couldn't. I had to go a bit further. That would be fine, but then lots of other thoughtls start up, not to do with food but one way or another I got really low. Not unusual, but at the moment I can't really take those further dips. Had decided to try and eat a bit more than usual at lunch, but couldn't. So now I'm really frustrated because the whole day has gone pear-shaped. Again. and I'm basically just sitting in a state of incapacity, unable to work or do anything, and still wanting to cut myself though the last few weeks have been a distraction marathon and I've done everything I can to bost my mood, it does, then back we go again. I don't want to live like this, and after so many years this is becoming all living is.

I can't have food take me over as well as everything else that has and is going on at the mo. I know something has to change, but then I think that pretty much everyday of my life. Sure, it's not just ED therapy the psyciatrist suggested this week. Higher dose of meds, psych nurse again, place for CAT should be coming up in a couple of months. Never done CAT before, but everything else I've pretty much lost faith in. Can't do ED stuff as well as that anyway.

I don't want to get stuck back in that identity of being anorexic that I think services can encourage, esp if you're quite isolated anyway. Being weighed all the time, calories etc. meal plans. I never know what the right answerf is then or what I'm doing, supposed to be doing, why etc. The contradictions of the whole thing are just impossible for me to hold, and even in counselling they don't want to deal with the other stuff that comes with it. I can't do that.

But I don't want this thing gnawing away at me against my will, like hollowing out from the inside the ground I'm walking on with so much predictability that I may as well already be standing in the hole with mud coming up to the point I cannot breath.

God, sorry for ranting. Don't know why I'm posting this. I know I have to come up with the answer for myself. I know those services are not it this time, I just feel too emotionally tired to think for myself.

xxx

[unlucky]

What's your BMI?

Are you really at a reasonable weight?

The CPN might not be such a bad thing, they can be really helpful.

I don't really know what to say about the therapy, but don't you have to be at a pretty low weight for them to force you to do it? If you really are just and so underweight, you should be ok. But if you get a CPN soon, you could talk through all this with her. And if she agrees with you, she might help you sort it all out.

<3

[anon.]

What's your BMI?

Are you really at a reasonable weight?

The CPN might not be such a bad thing, they can be really helpful.

I don't really know what to say about the therapy, but don't you have to be at a pretty low weight for them to force you to do it? If you really are just and so underweight, you should be ok. But if you get a CPN soon, you could talk through all this with her. And if she agrees with you, she might help you sort it all out.

<3

Thank you for replying to my rant!

You're right. I think I should be seeing her pretty soon and hopefully that will help sort it out. I don't mind seeing a CPN (though saying that, the last one was horrendous, formal complaints etc. which had the opposite of the intended effect!)

My BMI is fine. about 17.8 at the mo so not even in range. I think they're more concerned because of my history at the mo more than anything and because it has gone down quite a bit. I think I might just ask to leave it for a while and see how it goes.

Thank you again.

xx

xxx