wsjulz Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Hi everyone, I would really appreciate if some people who suffer from BPD can help me understand from your perspective. A person I know with BPD makes lots of false accusations of things people have done against them that are not true. This person then tells others, but tells them not to tell anyone what she has said. It is almost like she sets it up so she can spread false rumours out of spite, and play people off against each other to gain empathy. If the person to whom the accusations are directed finds out and asks why she has lied about them, she will tell the accused they are guilty of it. I am really having trouble distinguishing whether this is deliberately malicious behaviour that has been carefully calculated, or if the person really thinks these bad things were done/said to them. I would be so grateful if anyone with BPD can help explain this. Is this person:- a. Really under the impression that these things happened? b. Calculating the lies on purpose? thanks so much anyone who can help :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poiple Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Hi wsjulz, I have BPD and I have a tendency to lie sometimes. I also nearly always feel judged or wronged or gossiped about by almost everyone, even therapists, friends, doctors. If I do lie it varies on whether or not it's deliberately malacious. I'd like to think not, but often I've said something that's not true, or more usually exaggerated the truth, before I've even thought about it. That's probably not very helpful. I'm interested to know why you're asking? Are you thinking of confronting her? Do you know for certain they are lies? It could all be true and people could be blaming it on her BPD. Hope this helps!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Hi, i have BPD but i wouldn't consider myself to be a liar, i can sometimes be paranoid about people gossiping about me though. Then again just cause we have BPD we are still different in some ways so maybe lying is just part of their personality and not down to having BPD. I am probably not being very helpful. I hope others can be of more help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Like addy said everyone with BPD is different - I have it and don't consider myself a liar either, I've exaggerated on occasions but who hasn't I've known someone with BPD who lied a lot but that might just have been her personality, not necessarily to do with the BPD x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wsjulz Posted February 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Thanks Poiple for your reply. It is a relative. Yes, I know it is all lies because it has been about me and I know I'm never horrble to her. The lies are so extreme and about such a range of people I know aren't all abusers, lol, yet she claims to be abused regularly by people. When I was a child she would say similar things about other family members not wanting to see us. As I grew up I found out the truth and fact it was all lies. I am not thinking of confronting it because as I said, she will say I did those things and I'm denying it. Otherwise I get a silent anger which is scary. I don't know how I will deal with it, I just wanted to know if she knows what she's doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhed26 Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 hi, my friend does similar things, she is a very loveable person and ofetn gives out the wrong impression to men! she thinks that she has to be sexual towards them, when they show interest in her that way she says to other people that they are just using her for sex. i try to explain to her its because of the way she acts but she genuinly doesnt mean to be manipulative. a couple of weeks ago we were very close, both having been sexually abused as children we find most relationships hard and confusing. and she said to me that she thought she was in love with me. nothing happened between us and i wasnt really sure if i wanted it to. but one night we wer out in the pub and shed been talking to one of our other freinds, who wouldnt let her anywer near me, im not daft, i know shes said stuff. i did ask her why our friend was being weird and she said she didnt know, so i said "maybe u told her somethin? like.. maybe im using you" she didnt answer!! i dont think she means to be hurtful and confusing,but everyone has their reasons for the things they do and sometimes they can be coping mechanisms that wer used in childhood to get thru, as u get older those coping mechanisms stay with you, but dont make any sense to other people and can seem quite childlike. you obviously care about this friend, just be careful you dont go rushing in head first, as it may just be too much for her and then she'll push u away too x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhed26 Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 sorry ur relative x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Heya I'm on my phone so this reply will be shorter and more badly typed than id like As has been said, everyone with BPD is different so there could be multiple reasons. I know when I lie it's usually either attention seeking, or I genuinely believe that the people I lie about are bad (in "the black" since I'm usually splitting when I think this) and that they have hurt ne badly so I make things up in order to make them hurt in the same way I am, attack as a form of defence almost. Usually it's out of emotional turmoil and anger, or extreme loneliness. That's one thing to remember when dealing with a borderline: we are usually 'acting out' as a result of extreme emotional turmoil. Obviously this does not excuse bad behaviour nd you should not let yourself be hurt by it, but it does mean that sensitivity and lots of patience are a necessity. We're very sensitive folk. However it sounds like you've bEen badly affected by this behaviour, perhaps you should sit th person down, make sure they are feeling safe and not attacked and gently ask them. A very softly-softly approach is needed and you have to be very patiEnt if they feel victimised. I think talking to them about it would be a good idea. If it is out of wanting attention, explain that it is hurtful to others and that they dont need to do this for attention, that you love them and they will always hav your attention and you are there for them, etc. If it is out of splitting, gently explain that to them, try to get them to be more mindful of their irrationality. Again, sorry for this disjointed post, I hope you found some useful info in. Best of luck to you :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poiple Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 I think if it's bothering you then you should speak to her about it. Especially if you and other people are being accused of abuse, it's not a nice accusation to go throwing around. If it's a relative then maybe some family therapy may be useful to help you talk about the problem in a controlled enviroment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wsjulz Posted February 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Thanks Arakis, your description about knowing it is lies but doing it to hurt people does ring true with me. I think this could well be the case. Well, I think I should explain a little further. The person is my mother, and she holds me and my sister responsible for her emotional wellbeing, but we can't put it right becuase she lies and changes the story/goalposts all the time so the goal is unattainable. She won't have anyone else meet her needs, only us. She wants to make us feel we hurt her all the time so we will feel guilty and give up our lives for her. So she twists everything, sets up smear campaigns against us, lies, bullies and scares us because she feels so empty and abandoned and it is our fault. She does this to make anyone she meets tell us we should treat her better. She is angry with us for not making it better for her, but she makes it so we can't make it better however hard we try. She will keep hinting she wants something and when we do it, tell another person she didn't want that but not to tell us. Then when she sees us again, she will start telling us she wants it. She will tell me she'd be upset if I don't take a gift off her, then tell my sister I only visited her to get a free gift off her. She will tell us that other people have abused her, to make us feel she is badly treated so we will feel bad that we aren't with her to stop these people's abuse. I can see a logic in why she would do this, but in turn it is making us ill in the process. My dad also left after having a nervous breakdown because of her manipulative ways. She is really nasty and a bully to anyone vulnerable. I really don't know how we coped being brought up by her. We needed therapy ourselves for anxiety and emotional abuse and neglect. She wants us to make all our decisions, and we won't because we know it will be held against us. So she tells us the other person has told her she's got to do something, just to get the other person to think that was an awful thing of them to say. But it is all lies. She keeps trying to make the decision for about 20 years, the same one over and over because we refuse to make it for her. She says it's our fault because we won't help her decide. We also feel stalked by her, because she keeps trying to move near us, move in with us etc. She hates us unless we go and live with her and meet her every need. But we can't because we are grown up and left home with our own family responsibilities. I have had PTSD because of it, and feel dread at interacting with her because of the fear, obligation and guilt that underlies every conversation. This makes me afraid to visit her and want to cut off from her because I dread her. So nothing is working - she won't admit to any wrong in it. If I confront her, even in the most kind way, it gets blown into a full story of shouting, screaming, storming out and saying nasty things. Or else silent treatment followed by a back stab. She is a scary woman. We are at breaking point and just want to get out of this toxicity. Any ideas?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nina of the Light Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Unfortunately, BPD'ers get a bad rap when it comes to stuff like that. One explanation is she is truely a manipulative person intent on causing harm and disequilebrium to others around her... OR she's stating her PERCEPTIONS. and we all know that PERCEPTION IS REALITY. If a person perceives they are being abused...then they are...to them. One way to help this is to challenge those perceptions with facts. Example: The neighbor hates me! Ask, how do you know this to be true? Could their actions or words have meant something else entirely? Offer other possibilities. BPDers are often described as manipulative. For some, that may be true, but for the most part we are only trying to get our needs met. Now, our actions may be considered manipulative, but you have to think about intent as well. Did this person intend to hurt me? or was that just the unfortunate outcome???? Most of us do not sit around and scheme of ways to hurt people. That would be truely manipulative. Like I said though, it's hard to say, without knowing her. Best of Luck! Nina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 some people lie constantly but I have BPD and I am not one of them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wsjulz Posted February 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks Nina, and everyone for your insight. It is really helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucyloo Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 I have a step daughter just the same. the lies she tells, to the family and to strangers are dreadful. I don't know how to deal with it, I try to be straight down the line with her, pick apart her manipulation and show it up for what it is. I have the upper hand, because I am the stepmother. I am still in a situation though, where I have had to ban her from the house. she doesn't have my phone number and can only contact me via the net. I have told her, she is in control of her own life, while she lies cheats and steals, I will not be involved. That is her life choice, not mine and I refuse to take the crap that she creates. She knows once she wants to make things different i will be there in an instant! I liken this behaviour to that of an addict. You need to show tough love to crack it, but then that may not work. Im sorry I can't be of more help. L x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow girl Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 I think there are two equally important sides to consider re your question. First, the person with BPD. I often believe I have been betrayed, let down abused and feel very hurt by other people. However, that still gives me choices how I deal with it. For me I internalise and self harm etc. The abuse may well be real to her, but that does not excuse her response to it. Second. Your own safety and well being. Even if she can't help it (which, if willing, and with treatment / support she can),is it best for you to remain vulnerable and exposed to the abuse you experience from her? You are in a very difficult position. I do hope you find some peace of mind as you work it through. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Hi there, I was diagnosed with BPD, and yes perception is reality as Nina said. what we see as the truth could be something totally misinterpreted. The way a person phrases something could be taken totally the wrong way so we think they hate us so in return we despise them However, i'm not sure if her diagnosis is relevant here. You are being treated terribly and that is unacceptable. Her BPD is not an excuse for her actions and you should not accept it just because she has BPD. People with BPD are still accountable for their actions. Its a difficult situation, but i think tough love may be in order. Thats the way i see it Good luck xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 hi i have bpd too, and i dont see myself as a liar, but everybodys persception of what happened will always be different bpd or not, i guess a lot of people with bpd are more sensitive to what people say, and can easily understand things incorrectly (or i do), so it may come across as a lie, but i was not lying i was telling the truth as i understood the situation. here is a real example that happened an hour ago between me and my hubby he is non bpd. i was emptying dishwasher with him, anyway we got to the blue speckled cups and he said to me why are you using our best cups? to which i turned round and said am i not good enough to use the cups? and took offense because to me that is what he was saying. Now he didnt say that BUT why else would he tell me off for using the cups? if i dont use them they never get used as we dont have guests, and then i am thinking well i am just not good enough for him i should leave, move home. Again he did not say i was not good enough for him or that i should leave, BUT from that one single comment i read all this into it, and to me it is real, i think alot of ppl with BPD read between the lines a lot. So if u asked me i would tell say my mum i dont feel good enough for him, i may even say i feel bullied by him and want to move home because he shouted at me for using using the best cups, i dont feel good enough for him and can do nothing right. To me this would not be a lie, as this is how I read the situation, and how I genuinely feel. His story would be completely different, probably as simple as i just asked her not to use our best cups so they didnt get spoilt by the puppy. hope this helps cad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doormouse Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 I think I agree with the things that Shadow and Cadence have said - Someone can say one sentance and I'll hear 101 other things. Somtimes its trying to get in before someone else says something horrible - because for some reason I am convinced that they are - sometimes, like cadence, I'll assume that they are suggesting that I'm "not worthy" of "using the best cups." But I've had to learn that my response to anything need to be massively scaled down before it is "normal," the more emotional the situation, the more I am likely react disproportionately. It doesn't mean what I feel is any less real or painful, but as others have said, I still have to take responsibility for how I behave as a result of it. Thats really hard, and I don't always get it even half way right. I guess I have been known to tell lies, though I think its usually when I feel uncomfortable, and feel the need to make something up to be a part of whatever else is going on. Your Mum's behaviour is not neccessarily 'explicable' by BPD, and even if it is the way she has to deal with her emotions, it doesn't make it ok. I'm sorry its hurting you so badly and I hope you have some way of protecting yourself Mousexx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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