My Story

[Kiwi]

Sorry for the long post!!

I'm going through massive ups and downs at the moment.... well, maybe more downs than ups.

I'm a New Zealander who currently lives and studies in France. I've been living here for almost 4 years and my time in France has been a giant struggle! I'm doing a PhD and it has not been wonderful. I've spent many months in tears and many more months wondering what the hell I'm doing here. I've seen people for my mental health (and it's pretty hard to explain to a French doctor in French what is going on) and spent 3 months during the summer of 2009 on medical leave. I'm taking 20mg per day of Escitalopram (I started on 5mg, then 10mg and my NZ doctor said I need to be on 20mg which I am on now).

I've been harassed at the university by my supervisor (and in the street by a horrid man - visiting a French police station is not fun), so much so, that I've questioned my intelligence and been made to feel so small, stupid and that I don't count. I've had things said about me to colleagues working in the same field and I've almost given up on my field of study (something that I've loved and felt so passionate about) because of this PhD. I'm filled with anxiety, dread, I hide in the hallways trying to avoid my supervisor, and my stupid eye has started twitching again!!

I feel like I don't have anyone I can trust in a position of power at uni. Everyone knows what the supervisor is like, yet I've been in this situation for 4 years. I have a terrible PhD because I've had to work out everything myself. I've spent too much time trying to figure out how to do stuff because my supervisor doesn't know how to do anything himself... yet I'm made to look like the useless student who is late and doesn't do any work.

I spent christmas in NZ (much to the disappointment of my university supervisor - I've spent 6 weeks in NZ in 4 years) and it was so hard coming back to a place that I don't want to be at... I've struggled since I arrived back in France, so much so, I had a very very low point (contemplating jumping off a bridge) my very first week back. The more and more I think about it, I just want to quit. But, I've got around 4 months to go. And after 4 years, it would be a pity to quit being so close?? Some days I think the PhD will get done on time, within the next couple of months, and other days I think that it's completely impossible. Some days I get all geared up to work, and work a good few hours... at snails-pace, but it's getting somewhere. And then other days I don't want to get out of bed. Some days I'll be happy and cheery, other days I just want to cry. I struggle to get out of bed every morning and on Friday I hopped into bed and reluctantly arose on Sunday afternoon - I don't think I showered for 3 days. I just lay in bed staring at the roof, reading my book and wallowing in not really wanting to be here at all. I didn't want to see anyone and just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. It was a real struggle to get out of bed.

I am entitled to 3 years paid PhD, and I've been paying since September last year as I'm not entitled to any financial aid in France - I have a few more months left of my savings and I'm hoping to be finished by then - but its so hard when I just don't want to even leave my room. I'm still not 100% sure what I'll do.

Sorry an extra long post, just to really introduce myself and also to get some things off my chest. I'd love to hear any thoughts you may have x

[littleweed71]

welcome to the site kiwi

if you need to talk we'll listen. what part of france are you currently living? what is your phd about? (just interested/nosey)

hope to talk to you soon

nic

[donnam]

welcome to the site

can u set yourself a target for the day?break things down into little chunks and then take a break then do a bit more.

you are so close to finishing it is worth sticking to if u can

cad

[minded]

Hi Kiwi,

I'm sorry your feeling so low and struggling.

It sounds like you've done really well to get as far as you have so far!

It sounds like taking a break to get your health back on track would be the ideal, but financial pressures make that more difficult. Is there any way you could take a break back in New Zealand for a few months before coming back to finish off the last few months?

It would be great if you could get someone you could communicate more easily with to make sure you're getting the treatment you need. It sounds like you could benefit from a supportive relationship be that a welfare rep at the university, or a counsellor, or a nice doctor. If there's nothing local there may be some telephone counselling services as the next best option. It would also be good to go back to see the doctor to see whether its worth increasing your medication.

There are some free online CBT modules you can work through which might be useful, and of course the standard eat well&exercise can make a significant difference.

I hope you find some extra support!

[starryeyesee]

Hi

I have pm'ed you (sent you a message)

As cadence said it would be a shame if you didn't finish-you're so close.

Hang in there, try to establish a simple routine and breaking it down is a good idea. When you've finished you can be proud and also free to live where you want

keep posting on here...

starry x

[Kiwi]

Thanks Nic for the welcome and listening. I'm currently living in the Auvergne region of France (right in the middle!) and I'm doing my PhD in volcanology. I'm focussing on the risk to a large city located less than 15km from an active volcano in South America. I was fortunate enough to spend 4 months in South America studying this volcano.

[Kiwi]

welcome to the site

can u set yourself a target for the day?break things down into little chunks and then take a break then do a bit more.

you are so close to finishing it is worth sticking to if u can

cad

Thanks Cad, I think that's what I need to do. I tend to think that I can achieve to much and then get upset when I don't achieve what I think I should've. Added to that daily emails demanding my chapter/s! Urgh. I have set a defense/viva date with members of my jury... this means I MUST have my manuscript submitted at the latest mid-April.

[mentary]

Kiwi,

I'm having such similar troubles with my doctorate, too. My supervisor is gold but I feel I just can't do the work anymore. And it's such a waste. I'm working hard with my therapist about getting back on track again (I remember that passion, too). Hang in there.

[Kiwi]

Hi Kiwi,

I'm sorry your feeling so low and struggling.

It sounds like you've done really well to get as far as you have so far!

It sounds like taking a break to get your health back on track would be the ideal, but financial pressures make that more difficult. Is there any way you could take a break back in New Zealand for a few months before coming back to finish off the last few months?

It would be great if you could get someone you could communicate more easily with to make sure you're getting the treatment you need. It sounds like you could benefit from a supportive relationship be that a welfare rep at the university, or a counsellor, or a nice doctor. If there's nothing local there may be some telephone counselling services as the next best option. It would also be good to go back to see the doctor to see whether its worth increasing your medication.

There are some free online CBT modules you can work through which might be useful, and of course the standard eat well&exercise can make a significant difference.

I hope you find some extra support!

Thanks for your reply Minded.

I actually won a trip back to NZ at the start of December and I approached the university about staying in New Zealand until I had to come back for the defence/viva. I would be happier at home, I wouldn't have any expenses and my parents would make sure I was ok - I'd be eating better than packet soup too, haha!! But unfortunately the university wouldn't allow it. I could attempt to get another medical certificate like I did last time but I couldn't really afford to go back at the moment. As part of the university allowing me to go home I was meant to have finished lots of work. I went home for 3 weeks and after about 1 week I decided that I needed the time to rest and to be with my family, and that's what I did much to the dismay of the university. However, they are no longer paying me, I have no contract, I'm living on my own savings so it's really only my problem if I'm delayed finishing...

While the Dr I see in France is nice and we can communicate (she wanted to call the university and make a complaint about the supervisor) I think there is something missing.. I guess its much easier to talk about this type of stuff in our native language. I did see my Dr in NZ over xmas and he said that 10mg was not enough and put me on to 20mg. I've tried counselling over the phone but I couldn't stick with it because of the cost. I did however call a english-speaking helpline in Paris and they were great to talk to. I should really try and do that once per week. Perhaps I'll enquire at the university tomorrow if they have an English speaking counsellor. I'll have a look at CBT online and see how that goes. My eating is generally ok - not the best quality but a variety. But I did enjoy running to blow off steam and I really should get back into that!

Thanks again for your comment and advice, it means a lot.

[littleweed71]

Thanks Nic for the welcome and listening. I'm currently living in the Auvergne region of France (right in the middle!) and I'm doing my PhD in volcanology. I'm focussing on the risk to a large city located less than 15km from an active volcano in South America. I was fortunate enough to spend 4 months in South America studying this volcano.

wow

i love france and wish i was living there sometimes

vocanology sounds amazing, been following eruption in japan

hugs

nic

[Kiwi]

Hi

I have pm'ed you (sent you a message)

As cadence said it would be a shame if you didn't finish-you're so close.

Hang in there, try to establish a simple routine and breaking it down is a good idea. When you've finished you can be proud and also free to live where you want

keep posting on here...

starry x

Thanks starry, I've just seen your PM and I'll send you a reply soon!

Breaking it down is definitely a good idea and I do need to be more realistic on what I need to achieve. Perhaps the boyf can be someone who checks on my progress rather than the supervisor. x

[Kiwi]

Kiwi,

I'm having such similar troubles with my doctorate, too. My supervisor is gold but I feel I just can't do the work anymore. And it's such a waste. I'm working hard with my therapist about getting back on track again (I remember that passion, too). Hang in there.

hey mentary, it's tough isn't it? There are so many students in my year who are so passionate about their work, and I just wish I was... then it would be a lot easier! best of luck to you too, let me know how you get on :)

[Kiwi]

[Kiwi]

Thank you all for your replies and support, it means a lot to me. I often think that my friends get sick of hearing about it! A little bit more of a ramble follows...

Studying a volcano in South America, living in France and getting paid to study was definitely part of the appeal in coming to France. I had been working in a very stressful job in NZ - I did love it, but I was so overworked and I had way too much responsibility for a graduate. I received an email one day from an old university professor to ask if I was interested in PhD because he knew of one that would be perfect for me... I thought about it for a few weeks and then applied, and was accepted. I knew that even though my career wouldn't progress so much (I had a great potential for going further with the company) I couldn't pass up living in another country and all the wonderful opportunities. And especially to do an overseas experience that was not the normal NZ thing to do (i.e. living in London..).

But due to this conflict with my supervisor - I've been made to feel so stupid, incompetent, inferior, worthless... And I know its not all his fault. Once the problems arose I probably reacted badly to him. But I'd never been called stupid before, never had I had someone correct my work and write "this is terrible! are you stupid? this is work a child could do?!" "Why don't you work harder? Why do you cry a lot? You can't visit your family in NZ! You must work all summer. I haven't seen you in the lab today, are you here? are you working?" I guess I was always encouraged and when something was wrong they usually said "well, this isn't correct, but have you tried this? or looked at this paper?" Not "NO?!!" The negative comments, attitude etc. just made me feel worse and less interested in doing my work. I'd get (and still do) severe anxiety every morning before leaving home. I spent last week at home sick (tummy problems which the dr thought was related to depression and stress) and he had left a pile of things on my desk, acted very surprised and then angry when my colleague told him I was sick (I did have a medical cert on my desk too). I tried to work from home too, but I'm not sure if it's good for me to further isolate myself from my friends, I may just end up feeling very lonely.

In some ways it's been nice that I'm not the only student that has felt this way (obviously not nice for the other students) - one student had so many problems with him that she quit her contract after 6 months, and another has had lots of problems too and like me is about a year overdue with the PhD (although they claim unemployment benefits to live) - this same girl went home for the summer holidays, came back to an abusive email and just burst into tears.

I know I should just forget about him and just work away at my own pace but some days I just can't stop feeling really worthless, really down, really lonely, so incredibly stupid and just really sad. Its hard to explain to people that I just feel sad. I probably should go to bed before this gets any longer! thanks everyone for listening x

[Kiwi]

Well today I had another down day... I tried to work but ended up staring at my computer screen feeling worthless and defeated all day. I think I might try another chapter of my PhD tomorrow, just to change what I'm trying to do. I'm off to watch some movies to get away from the university.

I know what I have to do, I try to do it but only write a paragraph or two a day. I end up feeling worse because I am behind and then get all anxious about my supervisor coming to yell at me. URGH!

[minded]

Hi Kiwi,

I'm sorry you had a rubbish day today. One of my old counsellors used to tell me I had to treat myself with cotton gloves when I was struggling with depression - be super kind to myself and not have the same expectations on myself as I would if I was well, and be extra encouraging for everything you manage to do - so well done for the paragraph or two you managed to write!

I'm so sorry you're supervisor is so horribly critical - I struggle to see how any human being can think comments like that are helpful but I guess the problem is they don't think! Dealing with extra critical words often comes from ourselves when dealing with depression, let alone from others. I think of it a bit like an input system, unhelpful things going in does not help get better so over the last couple of months I've tried to balance it with positive. For myself I wrote down the critical thoughts/worries I have and wrote positive alternatives to them - often the more realistic truth! Supposedly I'd like to read them every day/ a couple of times a day (out loud!) to counteract the negative stuff the rest of the time and give myself positive input instead. I think it's been helpful so far! Another idea would be to spend more time with the people around you who are positive/ boost your self esteem. Fight back against your supervisors negativity - it sounds like a pile of poo!

[icu_baby]

Well today I had another down day... I tried to work but ended up staring at my computer screen feeling worthless and defeated all day. I think I might try another chapter of my PhD tomorrow, just to change what I'm trying to do. I'm off to watch some movies to get away from the university.

I know what I have to do, I try to do it but only write a paragraph or two a day. I end up feeling worse because I am behind and then get all anxious about my supervisor coming to yell at me. URGH!

Dear Kiwi,

I just wanted to give you encouragement and to keep persevering for the next 4 months because you have worked so hard for 4 years and I know you can do it. You have come so far and I know you can show your bullying supervisor that you are better than he is. I did a degree when I was very depressed and in and out of hospital. I took each day at a time and I finally got through it although it took me a whole extra year. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just think that in 4 months time you are going to have a PHD and you will return to NZ.

[Kiwi]

Hi Kiwi,

I'm sorry you had a rubbish day today. One of my old counsellors used to tell me I had to treat myself with cotton gloves when I was struggling with depression - be super kind to myself and not have the same expectations on myself as I would if I was well, and be extra encouraging for everything you manage to do - so well done for the paragraph or two you managed to write!

I'm so sorry you're supervisor is so horribly critical - I struggle to see how any human being can think comments like that are helpful but I guess the problem is they don't think! Dealing with extra critical words often comes from ourselves when dealing with depression, let alone from others. I think of it a bit like an input system, unhelpful things going in does not help get better so over the last couple of months I've tried to balance it with positive. For myself I wrote down the critical thoughts/worries I have and wrote positive alternatives to them - often the more realistic truth! Supposedly I'd like to read them every day/ a couple of times a day (out loud!) to counteract the negative stuff the rest of the time and give myself positive input instead. I think it's been helpful so far! Another idea would be to spend more time with the people around you who are positive/ boost your self esteem. Fight back against your supervisors negativity - it sounds like a pile of poo!

Thank you minded. I spoke to my boyf last night who suggested that I need to get out of my office even if it's just to take a walk in the park - staring at my computer screen and then going straight home to sleep is not doing me any good. I went and saw some films last night and will again tonight. I struggled to get up this morning, I didn't want to leave my bed at all. I've managed to avoid the supervisor but also work! I've been a bit of a cow to those around me today, I always seem to shut people out when I'm feeling down. And I think I didn't enjoy the film so much last night because I was in a grump!

My boyf is good to speak to as he always sees the positive side of things - when I say I can't do this, I want to quit but I'll feel like such a failure, my family will be disappointed in me etc. he said but you've travelled, you've lived in a country where you don't speak the language (twice), you've done things only some people can dream of, you have great friends, the PhD is such a small part of your life... I actually printed out what he wrote and I've got it my purse just to read every now and then. It's a pity he doesn't live in the same country as me - we are just waiting until I finish this PhD. One day I think its possible to continue and then the next day I get so grumpy at my work, at myself that I just want to hide under the covers. This week has been a hide under the covers week. But the more days I have like this, the harder it will be to actually finish.

I think I need to talk to a dr or counsellor, I'm having so much trouble with these up days and down days at the moment. I saw my Dr 2 weeks ago with a stomach bug... she thinks it wasn't a bug but stress/depression.

I've managed to ramble on, sorry! Thanks for your kindness and suggestions Minded

[Kiwi]

Dear Kiwi,

I just wanted to give you encouragement and to keep persevering for the next 4 months because you have worked so hard for 4 years and I know you can do it. You have come so far and I know you can show your bullying supervisor that you are better than he is. I did a degree when I was very depressed and in and out of hospital. I took each day at a time and I finally got through it although it took me a whole extra year. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just think that in 4 months time you are going to have a PHD and you will return to NZ.

Thank you so much icu_baby! Congrats on completing your degree too. I want to persevere to get something out of 4 years of hell and to also show the supervisor that I can do it.. but somedays (probably more days than not) it just feels so impossible. The profs (supervisor and head of our research team) don't seem to understand the way I feel or that I'm depressed which makes things a bit hard. I'm sure I'll get there but I'm not too sure I'll make the deadline either. Kiwi x

[icu_baby]

Dear Kiwi,

I just wanted to give you encouragement and to keep persevering for the next 4 months because you have worked so hard for 4 years and I know you can do it. You have come so far and I know you can show your bullying supervisor that you are better than he is. I did a degree when I was very depressed and in and out of hospital. I took each day at a time and I finally got through it although it took me a whole extra year. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just think that in 4 months time you are going to have a PHD and you will return to NZ.

Thank you so much icu_baby! Congrats on completing your degree too. I want to persevere to get something out of 4 years of hell and to also show the supervisor that I can do it.. but somedays (probably more days than not) it just feels so impossible. The profs (supervisor and head of our research team) don't seem to understand the way I feel or that I'm depressed which makes things a bit hard. I'm sure I'll get there but I'm not too sure I'll make the deadline either. Kiwi x

Hi Kiwi, perseverance is the key to success. Success in life does not come easy and there are many hurdles along the way. Two of your hurdles, well three, is your depression, your bullying supervisor and the fact that they don't seem to understand what depression is. I think you are doing a fantastic job in being determined to finish. I know you will have days that you feel like giving up but please don't give up. You are almost there. It doesn't matter if you do not make the deadline. Like I said before it took me a whole extra year to finish my degree, no one cares that it took me longer and no one will care if you can't complete by the deadline. Today is my last day in doing a post graduate diploma and again I did it part-time because I was sick too but I finally got there in the end. Remember that you have depression and this is a legitimate illness. It's not your fault and don't beat yourself up over it. However, if you really want to finish in 4 months and get it out of the way, this is a good to.

btw I am an aussie. I have been to NZ and I love it, especially the South Island.

[Kiwi]

Hi Kiwi, perseverance is the key to success. Success in life does not come easy and there are many hurdles along the way. Two of your hurdles, well three, is your depression, your bullying supervisor and the fact that they don't seem to understand what depression is. I think you are doing a fantastic job in being determined to finish. I know you will have days that you feel like giving up but please don't give up. You are almost there. It doesn't matter if you do not make the deadline. Like I said before it took me a whole extra year to finish my degree, no one cares that it took me longer and no one will care if you can't complete by the deadline. Today is my last day in doing a post graduate diploma and again I did it part-time because I was sick too but I finally got there in the end. Remember that you have depression and this is a legitimate illness. It's not your fault and don't beat yourself up over it. However, if you really want to finish in 4 months and get it out of the way, this is a good to.

btw I am an aussie. I have been to NZ and I love it, especially the South Island.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish the university here was more sympathetic.. but that's life I guess. I'm struggling financially so I do need to get finished in 4 months because after that all my savings have gone and I don't have the right for aid in France. NZ won't allow a loan either for studies in another country... not that I want to add to that!! Congratulations for finishing your post-grad work, you must be so happy.

I've been to Aussie a couple of times - Gold Coast and Melbourne (which I LOVE). My brother and niece (+another niece on the way) live in Perth. I'd love to visit them there. I lived in Dunedin and Christchurch for a little while and even though I'm from the North Island I'd have to say the South Island is my favourite. I worked a lot around Queenstown and I loved the scenery I woke up to every morning and working outside everyday (despite the cold winters!).

[icu_baby]

Hi Kiwi, perseverance is the key to success. Success in life does not come easy and there are many hurdles along the way. Two of your hurdles, well three, is your depression, your bullying supervisor and the fact that they don't seem to understand what depression is. I think you are doing a fantastic job in being determined to finish. I know you will have days that you feel like giving up but please don't give up. You are almost there. It doesn't matter if you do not make the deadline. Like I said before it took me a whole extra year to finish my degree, no one cares that it took me longer and no one will care if you can't complete by the deadline. Today is my last day in doing a post graduate diploma and again I did it part-time because I was sick too but I finally got there in the end. Remember that you have depression and this is a legitimate illness. It's not your fault and don't beat yourself up over it. However, if you really want to finish in 4 months and get it out of the way, this is a good to.

btw I am an aussie. I have been to NZ and I love it, especially the South Island.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish the university here was more sympathetic.. but that's life I guess. I'm struggling financially so I do need to get finished in 4 months because after that all my savings have gone and I don't have the right for aid in France. NZ won't allow a loan either for studies in another country... not that I want to add to that!! Congratulations for finishing your post-grad work, you must be so happy.

I've been to Aussie a couple of times - Gold Coast and Melbourne (which I LOVE). My brother and niece (+another niece on the way) live in Perth. I'd love to visit them there. I lived in Dunedin and Christchurch for a little while and even though I'm from the North Island I'd have to say the South Island is my favourite. I worked a lot around Queenstown and I loved the scenery I woke up to every morning and working outside everyday (despite the cold winters!).

Hey Kiwi, that gives you less choices but now that you know you have no choice but to finish in 4 months, put your heart into it. I think you are strong and I have all the confidence in you. I finished my graduate diploma while I was in hospital for 5 weeks of the course with severe depression but the lecturers were sympathetic to me, unlike your case. We on this website are hear to support you so if you ever need to talk send me an email.

I love love love Queenstown. I went there and did the canyon swing and mad dog river boarding which was awesome.