'morbid Jealousy'

[cw590]

This is me!

"When Jealousy Gets Out of Hand Morbid jealousy comes in two forms - obsessional jealousy and delusional (psychotic) jealousy.

With obsessional jealousy, a person will have repeated, strong thoughts that their partner is being unfaithful. Although deep down they might not believe these thoughts, they cannot stop thinking them, and these thoughts can soon become both distressing and destructive. Relationships often break down because of obsessional jealousy.

Psychotic jealousy is more extreme and damaging than obsessional jealousy. People suffering from psychotic jealousy will be totally convinced that their partner is cheating on them – unlike obsessional jealousy, there will be no doubts in their mind. They are also likely to believe that there is evidence of their partner's infidelity, even though the evidence doesn't exist.

Dangerous and damaging behaviours associated with psychotic jealousy include:

-following their partner

-paying someone to follow their partner

-misinterpreting normal events as signs of cheating

-confronting their partner and accusing them of having an affair

-becoming violent towards their partner

-becoming violent towards the person they think is involved with their partner.

Psychotic jealousy is less common than obsessional jealousy and can be caused by other conditions, such as schizophrenia, depression, substance abuse, dementia, and sexual dysfunction."

[Dibley]

That is me too.

It is killing me. It's so hard to cope with. I would rather die than continue with all the crap that goes through my head. I have to keep it to myself, when I have so many questions.

[cw590]

i want to die too

[Dibley]

I constantly need/want to ask him things like;

Do you want anyone else?

Have/are you cheating on me?

What can I do to make you want me?

Do you like her?

Do you want me to look like her?

Will you always want me?

How about if you don't?

Will we always be together?

What happens if you meet someone else?

Would you cheat on me?

How can you say you wouldn't?

and so on and so on.

I always check on him, these are some of things I do;

Check his wallet.

Check his phone.

Check statements.

Check drawers and wardrobes.

Check pockets.

Check car.

Check underwear.

I hide behind curtains to see which way he comes home from work. I ask made up questions, or questions I already know the answer to, to trick him, to see if he would lie or tell the truth.

If he looks at me wrong, or has a weird expression on his face, I wonder why, who is thinking of? Has he had enough of me? Does he hate me? What have I done wrong?

It's hard to cope with.

[cw590]

Every single thing you have mentioned is exactly what i do. It completely takes over my thoughts, my actions and my life!

I have no control over it any more, i wish that people were more aware of it and realised how debilitating it can be. Whenever i mention it to anyone they dont have a clue what i am talking about. They think i just have a few security and trust issues but it not that simple!!

I'm always made to feel silly whenever i mention it!

[cw590]

can anyone else relate? or is it just me and Head Hurts ??

[Roses]

I'm sorry I can't relate as I don't have this. I wanted to comment to say that I respect you for being so honest about this and I understand it is a problem for a lot of people. It seems every week we read in take A Break or some such magazine/paper that people are suffering with this and the terrible consequences it can have for them and their partners, I'm sure more people will comment on here in time. I guess it's just a pretty hard thing to come to terms with and to accept. This is why I think you are awesome for just letting it all out and telling us how you feel and asking for support is a huge step too. Good for you, I'm plussing this. x

Although, obviously I wish you didn't have it and I don't think you should die. I think you should just get the right help.

[cw590]

Thanks angelus for your reply. Me and head hurts just feel like people need to be aware of it because neither of us have met anyone else who has it.

I will post more 'facts' about it later and maybe people will be able to understand us better. I always feel so stupid when I post in crisis saying 'my boyfriend is at work all night and i cant cope' and nobody replies, nobody takes it seriously, nobody knows about the thoughts that completely take over! its terrifying.

Thank you for supporting our thread.

Claire

[starryeyesee]

I have been through this most specifically with an ex that I was with 7 years ago. We are best friends now but the relationship ended because of my obsessional behaviour. One time I got home to find he wasn't there (we lived in a big shared house ) and I wound myself up to the point I was in the process of taking an overdose when he arrived home.

I totally understand how you feel and hope now that you have identified it, you may be able to stop yourself before you push your partners away.

(((((claire and headhurts)))))

starry xxx

[piuma]

I can totally understand, I have been an absolute night mare in the past and i stil suffer with extremem paranoia and jealousy now.

I am doing my best to keep it under control, my T told me its always best to test your theories out, as in, if you are having paranoid thoughts to actually tell the person it involves and allow them to reaasurre you but in my experience that leads to nothing but anger and disruptance and not been great. so now i try and keep it inside best i can, and i talk through my fears with my workers;. i am not sure how to rid of it completely xxxx

[sanctuary]

if you want a glimpse of the nature of envy - it's roots have a place in 'comparing yourself to others'..... when you realise you are more valuable than all that appears to be better than you, this jealousy will cease to exist....

this may be quite random but I have found this 20 minute talk by a modern philosopher an interesting watch many many times to take away the fear of not being equal to all that we admire.

(apologies if this is way too off tangent) xxxx

[Dibley]

You are very right Claire. I write so many posts about how I feel, and people must think I'm just a jealous pathetic girlfriend, I wish!

Another example; Today my boyfriend has the day off of work. I had to go into town to sign on. I left it to the last possible moment to go, and kept saying to him, what you going to do? who you going to call? Will you miss me? Are you sure that's what your going to do?

I power walked into town, nearly in tears. I'm not a smoker but I had to buy some just to calm down. Then I power walked back. He was outside when I got back, I just hugged him and told him how much I missed him. I was gone 45 minutes!

[piuma]

thanks for the link sanc, will listen to it later. Head hurts, you are not a pathetic, our fears, may not always be justified, but they come for a real reason and they feel very real and maybe others cant understand this, but there is a reason we do it, it might different for everyone there reasons, but those reason are valid! they need to be looked at with somebody safe who wont judge or so dont be silly, your imaginating things or dismissing your fears, which obviously doesnt help reduce them.

we can support each other.

sorry bit rambled

[Dibley]

Thanks.

Just wish I could stop being like this. It's very scary, and I don't want to lose him. I should be lucky he's still around. x

[cw590]

Thanks.

Just wish I could stop being like this. It's very scary, and I don't want to lose him. I should be lucky he's still around. x

Me too! i hate been the way i am! i am embarrassed in fact! being jealous of other women all the time is probably the hardest thing to admit!

After all, jealousy is not attractive!

[Dibley]

My boyfriend is back atwork today. It's been good to have him home for a couple of days. I'm hating it. Who is flirting with? Does he even care that I'm here loving him? Is he Emailing other girls? Flirting on the phone? Got good looking clients in today? This is horrible. I can't do anything but think about him. I love him, don't want him to meet anyone else. I do everything I can for him.

Sorry I gatecrashed your thread Claire, I know you would understand this.

[cw590]

Hi headhurts! so sorry, i have only just seen your post. I totally understand, you already know I do.

So sorry that you are feeling like this- what is it going to take to rid ourselves of this awful illness!!

I am getting worse and worse and worse!!!!

[Dibley]

Me too Claire. I feel like I am at the beginning of the end with my boyfriend. He's moved offices now, he's in town, he will cheat on me I know he will. I'm so scared, I can't cope with all this. I don't know what to do with me to make him want me and no one else. What do I need to do? Lose weight? Wear more make up? Get new clothes? I don't know what it will take.

[toocrazy]

((Head Hurts and xclairex and piuma and starry1 and Sanctuary))

I read this thread awhile ago and didn't respond because I don't have a clue how to fix it. HH you have been through hell with this move of his. I guess all I have is I can feel your agony. When I've been in the middle of it the suffering has almost killed me. It has devastated my life to the point I won't go through it. If I cannot feel secure I've walked away, from good people-for no reason. I can't handle it and I can't bear thinking about them. I throw everything away that reminds me of them and stay away from anywhere I will see or hear about them. I don't even listen to any songs that remind me of them. At some point in the relationship I tried to talk to them and tell them to not mess around with it or I'll be gone. They don't believe me. Even when it happens I've given them the chance to make it ok and they laugh at me and throw the issue back up as a weapon. I don't bug them, if they don't want to talk through it when it isn't a heated thing, I don't want them. I let them make their own decisions and if they continue to make decisions that 'appear' as if they have no regard for this issue then I'm done. I can't live with a flirt. I'm not attracted to a cheater. My heart goes cold. I turn them into a enemy and even refuse to let my mind think about it. I wouldn't be able to become any full blown stalker because it would kill me. I'm not even mad at them in my heart. I just want them away from me. Someone else can have them. I keep my sorrow about it to myself and don't even let myself miss them. I see no point in torturing them. If they want to do things where stuff happens and leave too much up to 'trust' they can have their life but without me.

But....it has ruined my life. I can't stand to feel it and it isn't delusional. Something usually comes up and I've asked for more clarity. If they go off and refuse to explain it clearly then the mind racing starts. All I feel is fear. I don't feel too much anger, just fear. It is a horror for me to think someone is next to me and thinking of someone else. It is cruel and the lowest of low. I think I can handle about anything else.

I do not smother someone in a relationship. I don't want someone I have to worry about. I have only asked for clarity when they have acted untrustworthy. What I haven't done is given them a chance to get over being mad or seeing it as smothering. I take their reaction as guilt.

I am well aware this is all over the top and unreasonable. I don't want to see you continue to torture yourself and hope you are brave enough to tell him what you need to be ok. I was never brave enough to do it. In my head it was too painful to ask, I shouldn't have to ask and I had to end the pain or die. Please do different and give him a chance, he seems like a nice guy and worth taking the chance.

(((head hurts)))

[Dibley]

Thank you. I have told him I don't want him to hurt me, cheat on my etc. He just says he won't cheat, and that if he wanted to he would leave me first. He say's he doesn't flirt, but I know he does, I used to work with him. He likes women's attention. If he loved me then I would be enough for him, but I'm not. It scares me every single day. Is this the day when he leaves me? I can't stand the thought of him talking to anyone, or looking at anyone. Now he closer in town, these women can call in and see him, they'll all be leaving their works at the same time they could bump into each other. If he does, is he going to be thinking of them while he's with me. I can't stand this. I am always wondering what he is thinking, trying to work out his thoughts. It really does hurt me, and I would give anything to not wake up one day, so I don't have to go through this.

[cw590]

I feel the same hh! My bf has moved to a different building and I have no idea who else works in there. Before he moved I knew exactly who else used his office, now loads of different teams use the same office and I don't know any of them. Who's he speaking to? Who's he looking at? Who's he having lunch with? Does he fancy them? Does he flirt? All these questions race through my mind! I cannot concentrate on anything else!

It has taken over my life! And I'll do anything to make it stop!

[Dibley]

I know, I am getting worse every day. I don't want to be like this anymore. Nothing helps, pills, nothing. I don't think it will ever get better.

[cw590]

:mad0233:

What do we do...

[Dibley]

Apart from go crazy? I've no idea.

Yesterday he came home from work in a really bad mood, and was really taking it out on me. I asked him what he'd done, I thought he must have done something wrong. Checked his phone and wallet, couldn't find any evidence. I just know I'm going to have to step up the checking, especially now I've got a job, and he'll have the house to himself sometimes, he could get up to alsorts. I'm going to have to set traps.