toaster Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 do we really want to die? really? we say we dont have the guts but someone who is serious wont give a shit, right? theyll jump in front of the train, drink the poison, gas themselves, hang themselves...because that pain is their last and they know that. all this fucking about with a few pills etc or a few cuts, saying we want to die...really? im an attention seeker and pain makes me forget and makes me feel alive. i dont want to die. i want the pain to stop. theres a difference. its all a load of bollocks really Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 agreed xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maize Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 ((((toast)))) xxx Loves love xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blacklover Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 Totally agree! xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guntarded Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 Toaster I respect you for being honest here, true to how you feel. A long time ago I was told by a crisis team that there is a belief that the majority of people that commit suicide didn't want to in the first place, they called it accidental suicide - they wanted to hurt or take some pills as a form of self harm, but not as suicide. This was one of my first steps to my own recovery, recognising whether I really wanted to die, or I just wanted to self harm; when I got through this barrier I was able to hang on to some hope throughout all circumstances that irrespective of what I am going through I do not want to die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 I think this is true in many cases though not all. I think for a lot of people with bpd extreme selfharm/suicide attempts are the only ways of coping and I also think sometimes we dont know how to let others know how bad we are struggling without doing something extreme. Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamnuckingfuts Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 I feel like if someone notices they'll care about me more and love me more. no one understands me and if I do the extremes they'll realize i'm not fucking around and take me seriously for once. Sometimes its so overwhelming I just have to do it. I do wonder a lot about death though. I don't think i'd ever intentionally do it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 But maybe there are other less extreme ways of having people notice you.. Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icu_baby Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 I believe that people who commit suicide don't really want to die but wanted to end the pain. Everyone who has committed suicide were in unimaginable pain. I lost a friend to suicide and she couldn't see a way out of the depression. I tried to kill myself several times and almost succeeded. I don't think that those that take pills are less likely to want to commit suicide. The method doesn't matter. So many people die by pills. Its hard to kill your body and for me I chose pills because I thought that that was a less painful way to die than jumping to my death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 But maybe there are other less extreme ways of having people notice you.. Lilly I agree with what Lilly says but I dont know how to achieve that - no one in real life notices anything I do so I s/h or whatever to try to get attention. Sometimes I want to die, sometimes not - I am often ambivalent about it but want the release, a break.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted March 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 thanx people i think there is a difference between wanting to die and wanting the pain to go, but that is personally speaking. i know that when ive taken a load of paracetamol that even though they may have nearly killed me i was more doing it to get in hospital. when ive done other extreme things like jumping out the window ive just not give a shit. and part of it is giving in to the urges. i think about suicide a lot. but then i picture my 'non' being and it scares me a bit. just...gone. no more. i wont be here to see if people will miss me, which is what i want...i wont be here to see if people cry over the loss, i will be at my own funeral but totally unaware. its all very well me imagining my own funeral but we never get to see it do we????? i think, as well as for me, i just wanted people to ask themselves are they really comfortable with the idea of them never being again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maize Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 I'm getting more comfortable with the thought of me not existing but don't plan on taking care of it myself anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
potter6972 Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 I agree wil lilly, but i must say when crisis point has hit me i find it so hard to find help i feel people think im just an attention seeking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted March 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 the thing is though dont we want attention? we want help and that is a form of attention right? attention is seen in such a negative light but would you think its wrong to have a party because uve graduated and you want all eyes on you?! surely its better to seek the help rather than hit full blown crisis then so something nuts THEN ask for help?! because at the end of the day its all still attention. and we all need it. its how we get it that is the issue... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 sadly sometimes we have to do extreem things cos otherwise the nhs dont think we are serious... like for instance i work therefore i dont qualify for help - even tho i was drinking, driving fast, shing, overspending acting out at work, and pretty much spiralling out of control etc etc... cos i could hold down a job (just about) i was just fine... luckily i had the funds to go private, otherwise i fear i would have gone far enough to lose my job... i didnt even qualify for the "6 weeks of cbt to get you stable and then drop u like a stone" so surely that is a contributing factor - especially like you also then may feel like you need to maintain this level of "acting out" just to keep the support in place - epecially with the abandonment fears that we all suffer from... it is a shame that the resources just arent there for people in mh to do the "prevention is better than cure" thing asking for help without going nuts simply doesnt work - at least not where i am... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
viota Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 I have tried suicide 8 times.I wanted to die.I deserve to die cause im a bad person and i don't deserve to live.I will find a way to do it.Pills don't do anything so i will find a different way even if its drinking myself to death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wordsmithy Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 sometimes, i think that thinking/planning/being in the process of committing suicide is just only way to wake up... to feel alive, like you said. do i want to die? hm...or have i just gotten used to saying it so much, to the point where i know longer know even what i mean by wanting to die my therapist claims that i've become so fixated on death, that i know longer give myself the chance to consider life, or what open doors that could create whether she's right or wrong, i think i've been in the dark so long, i've gone blind as to what these "possibilities" are not sure if you can relate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toocrazy Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 Really want to die? Well at those times, yes I want to die.....because I can't stand the pain living with or without: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. I go on living because it passes and I can stand another minute living with or without 1-2-3-4-5 Would I want to die if there really was a genie in a bottle, could I come up with the wishes that would make that desire to 'wanna die' go away forever ... sad, probably not. I'd get my wishes and then probably some trivial thing would happen, someone slags me off and the next moment I'd have the thought....fing wanna die It isn't attention seeking, I feel it for real. I do want to die whenever I'm slagged off or annoyed or trapped. It passes and sometimes with not much more than a sweet, until the next time. But, the little triggers can set off the big triggers and reopen the thick, deep scars. When that happens the risk I follow through goes up. I'm not seeking attention, I am expressing I feel awful and want to die. :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icu_baby Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 You seem severely depressed and a bit psychotic. I think you should go down to your emergency room like ASAP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 Sometimes I have tried to kill myself without really realising it in being so psychotic that i have been convinced by voices hallucinations well I thought they were real at the time. so I think my true self would not have wanted to die. At other times I have acted out in frustration and overwhelming sadness in these times it is because I just want the pain to stop. Then there is the solid death wish, which begins with a plan leaves ends all sewn up. i'd say about twice I have truely intended to die. I have a lot of suicidal ideation but It worries me because I never know which of the three categories I'm going to end up in. My weapon versus suicide is guilt and responsibilty for those around me, trying to remember that despite my darkness I am loved even if I can't see it. Sometimes it seems impossible. I often think to myself well you don't really mean it or why would you go to the trouble of booking flights to your brothers wedding, why make plans for the future? Although the last time I tried I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned just before I did , which was to keep everyone thinking that life was just ticking over as normal. B x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toocrazy Posted March 2, 2011 Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 You seem severely depressed and a bit psychotic. I think you should go down to your emergency room like ASAP. ????????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted March 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 ...i do want to die. but not everytime. i think thats what ive been trying to say. that it isnt as black and white as 'want to/ dont want to'...theres a load of other shit in between Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toocrazy Posted March 2, 2011 Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 ...i do want to die. but not everytime. i think thats what ive been trying to say. that it isnt as black and white as 'want to/ dont want to'...theres a load of other shit in between exactly..sometimes then sometimes it is drama and don't wanna..then sometimes wanna you gotta hang on, you just moved and it is all good...just like bpd to throw in some tacks on the path, you deserve peace and happiness--believe it it is almost harder to hold on to happy than to live with misery Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja Posted March 2, 2011 Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 i'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of being dead, only because it would hurt some people. but i am entirely comfortable with it if it means that i don't have to exist anymore and endure another day. i need to figure out how to do it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted March 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 I AM NOT TELLING PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES OR ENCOURAGING THEM OR ASKING THEM TO PROVE THEMSELVES. I AM MERELY INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLES OPINIONS AND INSIGHTS ON THIS. I AM ALSO LOOKING TO CHALLENGE MY PERSONAL BELIEF SYSTEMS AND FEELINGS AND MAYBE OTHER PEOPLE CAN DO THE SAME FOR THEMSELVES. PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE. it would take a heartbeat to die why is the method so important to us? id chose / chosen in the past to go peacefully. but when i think about it it doesnt matter because in the end i will be dead. so why is the method really that important? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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