Really Want To Die? Trigger

[toaster]

i mean i have urges to do stuff...but is that urge separate from the urge to die?

[manja]

I AM NOT TELLING PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES OR ENCOURAGING THEM OR ASKING THEM TO PROVE THEMSELVES. I AM MERELY INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLES OPINIONS AND INSIGHTS ON THIS. I AM ALSO LOOKING TO CHALLENGE MY PERSONAL BELIEF SYSTEMS AND FEELINGS AND MAYBE OTHER PEOPLE CAN DO THE SAME FOR THEMSELVES. PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE.

sorry my post was not good enough. i was just explaining how i felt on the subject. take care x

[toaster]

manja that isnt what i said. i was merely interested. but ok. tc xx

[manja]

manja that isnt what i said. i was merely interested. but ok. tc xx

sorry i didn't mean to suggest that that was what you said. that wasn't what i meant.

[toaster]

i jumped out of a window. for months and months before i actually jumped i sat with my legs hanging out the window with this URGE to JUST DO IT. each time i climbed back in the window i was filled with self hatred, feeling like a failure and still CONSUMED by that fucking urge. did i want to die? the night i actually did jump was i overtaken by the urge to die so that 'enabled' me to carry out my urge to jump? or did the urge to jump just become to strong? i know that these urges get to me, fuck with my head, frustrate me, upset me...i often get to a point where im like 'aarrgghh i CAN'T FUCKING LIVE LIKE THIS!' THEN i want to die...urges creating urges?!

it matters to me now because i feel i need to see the patterns in my behaviour for me to carry on in my recovery.

i just think to myself now that if id really wanted to die, REALLY TRULY i would have done it. ive looked up every fucking method online, have asked doctors, nurses, other people in MH wards, i know me stuff, the quickest, easiest ways out. yet i dont do THOSE things. or i do but im always saved. even by the skin of my teeth - have been resuscitated, been on life support TWICE - but ive always manipulated the situation so i am saved, whether or not im conscious of my behaviour at the time. i am aware of it now. hence this thread.

i dont want people to have a go at me or think i am putting others in the same box. we are all different i appreciate this. im being brutally honest here, not just with others but with myself. because i believe honesty is the key to my freedom.

i also think that regardless of why i/others do these things, we are still in pain and it is still valid. no one who is happy or even content within themselves would ever carry out such acts. to think so little of your body and what we put it thru shows an enormous lack of self worth. for we as humans, our instinct should be to survive, to look after oursleves. to have that turned around so we dont give a fuck means we live in a very sad world.

[lucyloo]

personally, I don't want to live, im tired of it, but wouldn't put the responsibilty on my sons by taking my own life.

L x

[toaster]

personally, I don't want to live, im tired of it, but wouldn't put the responsibilty on my sons by taking my own life.

L x

im with u on this lucy - i have a son, a girlfriend and a sister an niece whos' hearts i would break if i kill myself. and i am in a better emotional, happier place that i have been in the past. so i have accepted that i will not kill myself. it doesnt take the urge away. but i still fuck about with my life an it seems my immediate answer whenever im asked 'why did u do that?' is 'cuz i wanted to die'. or instead of me just saying ' i feel like a heap of shit today' its like i have to feel the most EXTREME of emotions and that, to me, is feeling suicidal, just cuz if its anything less than that then it doesnt matter, to me. and those answers has become so ingrained that ive never stopped to question it. til now.

[toocrazy]

I think it is the extreme emotions. I feel nothing but extremes, it is my everyday life. It is exhausting. I've lived every whacked off minute of it beyond beyonds and still a maniac. I feel peaceful for a second and almost get run over or something and get the wake the fuck up slap. I'm not supposed to be staring at a corner, I'm here to rub my face all over this life. I think it helps to accept it and accept the crazy thoughts and make sure they don't go on too long. I can't reach for relief in only bad things because all I do is pay for it. I can't pay much more and stay alive. I have had to learn how to hang on through hell and find a way to get the wild out of me. It is difficult and difficult to not spiral down or fall in a trench or smash up the car or drug up the body or slice up my skin. I try to not let that stuff happen because it sucks to stitch up, clean up, detox and fix all the damage. The story is long and tragic and filled with nothing but consequences. Hundreds of damage control incidents out jackering off in the thick. There is no actual point in my existence but I exist. I am a person who is still changed by a stranger's empty eyes. I feel this life and it is unbearable, unbelievable, terrible and beautiful. I feel the beginning and to me it is natural to feel, think about and imagine it ending. But I think about it all.

:o

[Christine001]

I also want to die so any suicide attempt would be fatal. but like others I have children,I am tired of living, i have no future plans or desires or dreams or goals, etc.

No one believes me as its a sign of depression, so this invalidates it anyway, not into drawing attention to myself in rl.

[toaster]

i believe people when they say they want to die. the content of this post is personal. i wouldnt want to invalidate anyones feelings. i have been invalidated a lot in my life and it is probably why i am so extreme now.

[elvis35/77]

This is just a quote that i once read.....'Everyone wants to go to the 'promised land'......but nobody wants to die'.:mellow:

[lucyloo]

I don't self harm in the traditional sense, nor do I od now, the last time, I was 17 years old and 6 months pregnant, my partner made me sick, no treatment or support ever given. I spent months petrified to give birth, it was horrid, he was 4 weeks late too, I think that gave me the jolt I needed to ensure I would not take that path again.

I too am a person of extremes, so I get that toaster, totally.

L x

[lemonyjayne]

I've always been really confused about this subject. I've made attempts and when asked if I really wanted to die i'd say yes and no. I've never been able to understand what it was i felt. It was like I viewed death as something completely different to what it was. That it would break away the pain but I'd still be alive. I knew it made no sense because i would be dead and that would be the reason there would be no pain. because i wouldn't be able to feel anything at all. i think that on 'okay' days i can rationalise it and understand but today is not a good one and i feel the same thoughts creeping back. the only thing that makes the tears flow is that it's something i crave and need and want so much. for everything to stop. but i don't want to hurt anybody. i feel alone with family, with my boyfriend and i wish i was more alone so i could follow through properly. it's been one year since my last attempt. i know i was in quite a psychotic state at the time. I don't feel that anymore I feel that it's been a llong long fight and I need to just accept it

[successful_workthru]

TRIGGERTRIGGER

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If youre feeling suicidal, get help, help is out there, and it can appear in the most unexpected form, at the most unexpected time.

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I've had suicidal feelings.

A short while ago, I felt that, while I have no immmediate suicide plans, I am eventually going to have no choice but to do it.

I didnt/dont really want to, but life feels that tough sometimes, and circumstances feel against me, it feels like pointless obstacles are thrown in my way, and life is driving me out.

Sometimes, the thought of just taking an overdose without knowing if it will kill me has entered my head, just to finally, once and for all, get some serious help.

I have self harmed in fits of inwardly turned rage, but I have not made an attempt at suicide, nor have I made any gestures, but thats because I know that the attention I will receive will be the wrong sort.

People will still not be interested in the root of my troubles, all they will care about is me, being ok again, whether that takes medication or whatever. Plus I am a scaredy cat who does not want to cause major damage to herself, and face the possibility of becoming physically disabled from any self destructive attempts.

it matters to me now because i feel i need to see the patterns in my behaviour for me to carry on in my recovery.

Toaster, I apologise if I havent understood you right, but I am getting that you get feelings of self-hatred and these lead to the self destructive urges.

When people have feelings of self hatred, I feel they should treat their hurting self as if it were someone else, in your care.

Someone who does not deserve hatred, in fact, quite the opposite.

I feel that a person hating themselves, would benefit from listening to their hurting selves, by feeling thier feelings, but importantly, to be kind to themselves during this process.

We are often programmed at an early age to have low opinions about ourselves, by people who are in pain themselves but are coping with the pain by hurting others.

In early life, we believe the negativity coming from others, and take it into our hearts as our own opinions of ourselves.

We wrongly think people hurt us because we are bad, when in reality, they hurt us because they themselves are emotionally disturbed, and the only way to cope with their pain is to hurt others.

The end result is that the recipient of this hurt grows up believing bad things about themselves and find themselves engaging in self destructive behaviour and having self destructive thoughts.

I don't know if the above applies to you Toaster, but I hope this post benefits you in some way, and yes, I think honesty is the key to freedom too.