Divsky Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 OK I cant keep up now, I've lost my mental balance and havent been able to get it back. it all started on sunday night when I was trying to work through my feelings and cry again to release some of the hurt thats built up since loosing Danielle and baby Brooke, it turned out really badly, too many emotions came rushing out at once and I couldnt cope with them all and took a stanely knife to my chest and arms first time in 3 years I've self harmed, the day after I was left pretty rough and could still feel the emotions, mainly sadness and despair bubbling away just under the surface, I tried to continue as normal and keep up the smiles so my mum didnt notice since I'm one of her main carers she has to always think I'm doing well or she wouldnt cope, but I wasnt fine, far from it, I was an emotional wreck and I struggled to keep it together, I came on here to try and distract myself and did what I could to help my friends on here but all the while I was falling away myself, then tuesday came and I saw my therapist I had to tell him what happened he wasnt happy with me but we talked through things but I still dont feel right I came on here that night and did what I could again to help everyone else and to be honest on wednesday I spent most of it in bed I feel mentally exhausted and am runnin on empty now I dont know what to do I can feel myself slipping into the way I was before I had my balance and I'm struggling to cope, today the smiles are gone and I just feel so confused and lost, I have to do something before I totally loose it but I dont know what to do now my will is shattered and my self control is gone and I'm struggling to hold it together David maybe I should add I'm bipolar here :S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 ((((Neverwhere)))) I hope you can slowly and safely start to feel better again....xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divsky Posted March 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Whats the point? I was better of where I was, really though, why bother anymore, whats it all for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
last_time_lucky Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Oh David, I wish I could give you a real life hug. I think you worry too much about helping other people you know? You put too much pressure on yourself. It probably is a welcome distraction for you most of the time, but there are times (like now) when you have to put your own heath first. Don't beat yourself up about SH, it's been and gone now. Just move and and learn from it. There is so many points, and reasons to keep going. I know you want to help others, and I know that this is something you have a natural ability to do. Keep that goal in your sight, you will get there in the end. I'm sorry that I'm not so good with words, but I wanted you to know how highly everyone here thinks of you, we're all here to lean on. Xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divsky Posted March 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 I never talk about my illness so I dont belong here do I? maybe I should go back to where I was and leave everyone to it, I try so hard day after day to do everything I can to see everyone is ok, but its like my dad always said my best isnt good enough it never is I'm a failure and always will be, I havent even got the decency to stay dead whats the point in it anymore? I have nothing to offer anyone, its the reason I always find myself alone all I do is hurt people no body needs someone like that in their life I'm so sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 I never talk about my illness so I dont belong here do I? maybe I should go back to where I was and leave everyone to it, I try so hard day after day to do everything I can to see everyone is ok, but its like my dad always said my best isnt good enough it never is I'm a failure and always will be, I havent even got the decency to stay dead whats the point in it anymore? I have nothing to offer anyone, its the reason I always find myself alone all I do is hurt people no body needs someone like that in their life I'm so sorry you DO belong here... i really don't know the background yet honey but fuck anyone who has made you think otherwise. you are a long away from 'all i do is hurt people', and that is so not true. you have been such an amazing support to so many people here, particularly me, while you were going through a really hard time yourself. you do have a lot to offer people. maybe you should stop trying to be the amazing person you really are, and stop worrying about the others for a while, and concentrate on looking after YOU just new. take care xxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yasontheborder Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 I never talk about my illness so I dont belong here do I? maybe I should go back to where I was and leave everyone to it, I try so hard day after day to do everything I can to see everyone is ok, but its like my dad always said my best isnt good enough it never is I'm a failure and always will be, I havent even got the decency to stay dead whats the point in it anymore? I have nothing to offer anyone, its the reason I always find myself alone all I do is hurt people no body needs someone like that in their life I'm so sorry woah woah breathe. smile. i know its hard, i know you dont want to, but itll make you feel a bit better. you belong here as much as anyone else. you contribute LOADS to this site, and my, the hours you spent talking to people, keeping them safe instead of doing your own things! youre far from a failure. youve accomplished loads! and you have LOADS to offer everyone! as i mentioned before, you are amazing at helping people, and i know you have become a good friend to me. youre an amazing person. you couldnt harm a fly p.s: im still waiting for ubttons to kidnap me xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 *hugs neverwhere if thats ok* you are a super person and altough we don't know each other very well I've read all the supportive posts you have made and you seem really kind. Lean on us for a while, we are here for you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 :hug2: I completely agree with what other people have said, you do belong here and you are so supportive to everyone.. Sorry I'm kinda useless with advice at the moment but you know where to find me if you want to talk ever, sending you gentle hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 you dont need to try you already ARE a good person who has lots to offer others but you dont have to give all the time your kindness and consideration for others has already spilled out all over this site - so too late you cant take it back now, OR pretend its not there we have proof XXXX please take care of yourself, now, so very sorry things are so bad for you atm xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Neverwhere, you know you belong on here you are such an amazing help to everyone and its only fair thatyou allow us to help you and support you if you can. I am sorry you are finding things so tough, but at least you are feeling again even if its terrible. You know i am here for you if i can ever help you but please don't leave, i for one would miss you alot.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink stars Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Big hugs, I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice but I'm sorry that your hurting and am thinking of you, here if you need a friend x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divsky Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Thank you all for your kind words but I fear their wasted on me, each and everyone of you's in a unique wonderful person and it has been my pleasure knowing each of you, I dont know if I will be around much the now, I've done something I shouldnt have and I dont really have the energy to control my moods anymore, I gave up and let it all out and now its torturing me today my mood has crashed so badly that I cant really see the light anymore take care, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 please tell ur mh team or gp how things are for you at the moment please xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 please david, take time to care about YOU. i know we differ on our opinions on this from talking before, and that's ok - but you HAVE to look after yourself... please talk to someone irl if you need the help and you arent going to be here... please dont cut yourself off... that is a slippery slope which really you dont want to be on... trust me i been there "loads"... take care of you kath xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Sending you more hugs lovely, like walker said can you tell someone how bad you're feeling right now? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divsky Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I'm fighting my own mind over it I feel like I'm split in two half of me knows I should but the other half is so reluctant to tell anyone because of what might happen, I could never face going into hospital by doing so I would loose all control over my life and to me thats worse and would feel like hell, I think I'm going to try and get put back on the Intensive Home Treatment Team, if they have any spaces that is, right now my psych is on holiday for 2 weeks so all I have is my cpn and therapist if I'm speaking to anyone it will be my therapist he's easier to approach and knows how I've been struggling since sunday because I just saw him on tuesday there, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 That sounds like a good plan lovely, I hope the home treatment team can help, as well as your therapist xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 (((((David))))))) i'm so sorry i didnt respond to this thread before you are a big part of the site and you have supported a lot of ppl including me. if you don't want to talk you dont have to, say as much or as little as you like, theres no rules. the only thing that matters is that you know how much we care and how willing we are to help. maybe you don't think you deserve it, i don't think i do either but we think you do and support is always there when you need it I think the home treatment team sounds like a good idea, that will give you some extra support but its less likely to make the problem worse like going back into hospital would xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyndseyb2009 Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 i know i said i wouldnt come back on here but i am so angry someone would try to upset/hurt or belittle your illness for their own gain. YOU are wonderful David ( and i tend to not like most people so consider yerself blessed ) and now its time to put YOU first. Fuck what anyone else thinks about you, you look after youself and wee buttons and don't worry about the rest of the world. How can you fix others if you don't even know how to fix yourself sweetie. nows the time to be selfish and focus your energy on feeling better and stronger. you know i thinks your awesome (= always here for you sweets, always xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divsky Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Sounds silly, but I've convinced myself to tell my therapist about it I need to get this sorted before I go too far, thank you everyone for your kind words, David xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 that doesnt sound silly at all xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Not silly at all, very brave of you :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 ((neverwhere))xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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