A Bpd Journal Entry

[JoshuaGG]

So this was a journal entry I wrote last night while unable to sleep. Not really sure why I'm posting this here, other than this seems like the sort of place I could post it. Sorry for the language, I have nothing against gay people, "faggot" is just a nice crunchy offensive word I like to use.

5:30 AM. Listening to Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) play the piano and trying to avoid hating myself. Haven't been able to get to sleep yet, obviously. Think part of why I can't sleep is that to get to sleep I have to spend some time alone with my thoughts and my thoughts haven't been particularly pleasant tonight. Nothing awful, just fractions of life in which I felt particularly stupid/retarded. Dr's going to ask me about it on Tuesday. Don't want to think about it now and hopefully I'll have forgotten by then.

Man, fuck this shit. Work work work and no reward, no payday. "Oh, things are a little bit less bad than they were, wonderful." And on top of that I don't even know if this is what I'm really feeling or if I'm just being melodrafuckingmatic. Fucking fuck cunty shit dick fuck it. Cunty cunty dick balls faggot fuck. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I'm doing. Deadly marching onwards because there's no other direction to go. Life. Fuck it. We're born, we piss about for a bit then we die, all along trying our damnedest to never let anyone see how we feel, most of the time not even aware of what we feel, or what we want beyond impulse and routine. Or maybe that's just me.

Have I grinned my cheeky grin once since Dr. mentioned it? Not outside the house, I don't think. WTF does that mean? It must mean something, I don't even want to know.

Fuck you Aragorn. Fuck you and your "piano poetry." You spelt "Amends" wrong too, you cunt. Switched to "Electric Tears" by Buckethead. Slow, beautiful tears, not sad tears. Good 6AM music. "Why don't I die" is once more my mantra. In the past it was "why don't you jump off a cliff" and then "die in a fire." I must be saying it out loud nearly every day, don't even realise I'm speaking the words until I hear them. Then I look around to make sure nobody heard me give myself death threats.

Resentment. Been feeling a bit of that lately. By the way, often I'll write with our sessions in mind, Dr., and I explain as I go. This is more for me, so if it doesn't make sense just ask. Resentment, discontent. Well, the discontent is usually lurking in the shadows, and actually so is the resentment, probably. A lot of resentment, methinks. And I'd say a slightly scary amount of it is directed at my mum. The implications of that are probably massive. Too massive for my little head. Maybe Dr. can pry more informations out of me. If it was a tumour I wouldn't be trying to take it out myself, would I? No. That's what Doctors are for.

I think It's probably fair to say that Buckethead is a musical genius. He's a one mand band with a guitar. That song was "Mustang." Remember it.

Everything all balled up and hidden away. I think a very big reason for that is not wanting to worry my family. Just played out a scene in my head, mum said she was worried about me. My first thought was to reply "you should be," but I said "no, don't be, I'll be fine." 6:30AM.

I could do it. I could just open my veins and be fucking done with it. I won't. But I could. Easily bleed to death before any one tries to wake me up. Blood everywhere, dead son, dead brother, sad family, bad Josh. Don't want to hurt them so have to keep trying. Keep on banging my head against that fucking wall. Not for me, for them, and in the hope that one day it will be for me.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. Fuck you.

[Shadow girl]

Hugs. Thank you for articulating tht so well. I'm sure its not just me who can relate to what you say almost entirely. Stay safe - we have to believe it can get better.

[JoshuaGG]

Thanks Shadow girl. It felt good to get it all down on paper. At the beginning of each session with my psychiatrist I read him my journal entries for the last week (my choice), so I've started to get into the habit of writing with him in mind. It was good to just unload some crap without thinking about how it would sound to him when I read it out loud. Think I'm gonna have to talk to him about this next session, my journalling shouldn't be constricted by thinking about how it will sound to others.

[JamieSKG23]

Joshua, I like you. I have used the description stupid/retarted countless times in my entries. It helps me to realize there are other's going through the similar self-hatred as I, I'm not as alone as I think.

Keep fighting and God Bless!

Jamie (Chronic Feelings of Emptiness, YEP!)