canadianbumble Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Very Triggery very Trigggering I have suffered from being seriously underweight in past and bouts of bulimia. i have never really ever sought help for this and managed to remedy my bulimia myself but over the last days my eating has screwed up with avengence . the really weird part is that I find a sense of sick euphoria in it. i can well understand how i may get a lot of negative comments and feedback about this espescially from people who are doing their darndest to overcome it. So if you are likely to be offended please don't read any further. It started with restiction. counting every calorie realising that with my drinking wine I couldn't eat and drink and eat so I decided not to eat. But cooking for my family made things very hard and my will power didn't last so i ate. then after I ate I was really annoyed with my lack of control so I started to purge again. From the first purge it all came flooding back. I'm sorry but it felt so good. It felt so good to get it all out. To get that disgusting stuff out. Now nearly everything I have eaten has left me in that way and I'm glad. I don't want it in me. What I really want is not to eat at all, and yes eventually i will die like this but i'm so bloody huge It will take bloody years so it's not likely anyone will notice this is what I'm doing. I'm severly overweight at the moment. I've been given Topamax to see if it helps control the weight I've put on through the seroquel. i've started to take higher doses of that as it supresses my appetite. I know I am vain but I ahte the way Iam. I want contorel over me I want to control what goes into me. i don't want anything in me. i want that rush I feel when everything comes out. I am curious if others have felt purging as a "euphoric" "addictive" experience. Also it does not leave marks on my body like cutting .I know it must seem to others perverse that i would find rushes within an activity that is really fairly self-destructive. Sorry and ashamed Bumble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 i can relate...not gonna say much now cuz im tired but ill try an come back to this... well done for posting it was obviously very difficult for you ((((((((bumble)))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Hey Bumble, in a way I understand the euphoria thing. I don't purge but get the euphoria from cutting or burning. So, I think it really is the pleasure of feeling in control at that moment and maybe even the pleasure of really hating our body and punishing it. I also understand the weight thing, put on so much more since I started being back on meds, I've never been that big but I sometimes have real binges now. I ate my way through a whole pack of milk choc digestives and another eight cookies this morning alone...no wonder I put on weight, but I just don't feel full anymore. Just like any form of self-harm it obviously isn't great what we do - be it denying food, cutting, burning, purging, whatever... Funnily enough being in control of a proper healthy diet is quite hard to do, so we should be masters at it, in a way, trying to stay in control of that...but I think it really is about hating the body and ourselves more than anything. Hope you manage to stay safe amongst all of this (((Bumble))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 can completely relate to the euphoria of purging when i used to do it it felt so good to get all the nastiness out i loved it. yes agree its addictive you just want that feeling of everything flooding out all the time craved it every time i ate. in fact ashamed to say i wish i had the will to still do it but its passed atm. will come back tho always does. ((((bumble)))) xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 hey hunny, I understand, I cannot restrict very well, infact even if i wanted to now i couldnt, no will power, I am very overweight, mostly from binging and no purgin, anyway i just wanted to say, i know you think being underweight might kill you, but you are more likely to die of a heart attack purging, than restricting food all together, if you are going to continue with this, please take care, try keep your elctrolytes balanced at least, you can by a toniv replacement from pharmacy, be careful hunny, this is a rocky road xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted March 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 It feels like all my senses are warped that what i should feel is the opposite. At the time it feels so right when i sit back and think about what I've actually done it feel like it must be another person because surely i cant be feeling this rush. I'm feeling this rush because it is polar oppposite to what I really feel. I can't look at myself because I'd just break apart. I say you can just stop this, but then where do i go with this ? They say continue. I know I can also just stop completely eating at all, but this gets noticed and i don't want others to see. Sick part of head would like scenario at party to go. Oh look at you you you've lost so much weight how did you do it? Oh just cut down on the wine and the carbs after 5.oopm yeah right you know that's a fucking lie. It is a fucking lie. Like you hauled your arse to a gym no you never, your too fucking lazy. There is no middle ground. fuck what do i do cut it off. Yes I would and have thought about doing this thought about but know I'd just make scars no this wouldn't work no money for lipo no gastric band for me . But even more than the weight its being and being seen and having things in you like food and water and the unmentionable. I sorry i'm tired and hurt and probably not really making much sense. :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unlucky Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 I know what you're talking about. That's the way I feel. I very rarely purge now, but when I do it feels so good. The reason I stopped was because I started to see a shrink and he put me on Naltrexone because he thought the purging was like an addiction. It worked, it just doesn't have the same effect any more. But it had no effect whatsoever on the binging. So now I'm obese. I'm thinking of asking my new shrink for Topamax, but I'm scared he will say no. It's just SO hard to eat normally. I find it much easier to either stuff myself or starve myself. (((((Bumble)))) Know exactly how you feel. <3 "There is no middle ground." - Exactly what I was trying to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 (((bumble))) just to let you know i read and relate to food difficulties. I wish i had more to say, this one has me as well, xxx a.m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I can relate i used to get a rush then it started to make me il know i have a damaged stomach. what is topamax for? xx take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elle75 Posted March 20, 2011 Report Share Posted March 20, 2011 I've been doing this since I was 15, now I'm 35....over the years and as I've gotten older it's become relatively easier to control the urges, and therefore reduce the number of times I purge. Saying that, sometimes like yesterday, I purged and the feeling I had was euphoric. I felt better but tired. I agree with the posts before, if you're going to do it, try and be safe and drink plenty of fluids. I try to understand why I do it, but I just can't. A part of my brain just seems untouchable...doesn't listen to logic or sense. I have a successful career, own my own property, have family and friends that love me & date. None of this seems enough. I try telling myself all these positive things....but this doesn't stop the urges. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted March 20, 2011 Report Share Posted March 20, 2011 I dont have an eating disorder, but I am not offended. I know eating disorders are not purely about food, but I'm glad that you ate. You need the food really. Is it safe that you are taking higher doses of topamax? Is this ok with your doctor? You hate the way you are now, but your past relationships with food suggested that you hated the way you were then. Is it for the same reason? Your actions are not perverse, they are emotional responses. Does the puke represent the area where you can feel control, and is euphoric as a result? You are not perverse. You are aware that the purging and cutting is destructive. I know this post dosent answer your question, but it is an attempt to make you aware that you have control, without using food in this way, and it would be good if you could get the right support to become aware of this. Do you have links with mental healthcare support?, if so, you could discuss this with them. love SW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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