Giving Too Much

[younenme]

How can I stop giving so much? One of the things with BPD is, when you're building a relationship with someone, you put your soul into that relationship, you give her all the love in the world nobody else has given her and so much more, the person loves you for all these things and thinks you're the most wonderful person in their lives. Now this part is all dreamy and wonderful, but...

The relationship is working wonderfully, but you've give so much already and you start to notice you're not receiving even a fraction of what you've been giving back. This causes a chain reaction in my head. My mind starts mass-producing reasons why the person is not giving me what I give her. Many of them being scenarios where I think she doesn't care for me anymore and that she wants to break up with me and so on and on and on.

This causes so much trouble, I become anxious, depressed, even when I get verification from the person that the "reasons" in my head are just something my mind made up and nothing near reality, it lasts just for a brief time, till I get to another point where I feel she isn't treating me anything near the way i treat her. Rinse and repeat this till I get to a point where I just can't cope with the immense pain anymore. I break up with her. I fall into even deeper depression cause I broke up with her, thus literally disabling me completely for months to come. I put my soul into it, now that it's not existent anymore I have also lost my soul/my "identity".

She is completely baffled and shattered cause she can't understand what happened.

This has been my relationship past, in a nutshell. This is how bpd relationship instability works, in a nutshell, for me at least.

The root of the problem lies in giving too much. "Normal" people give only as much as they receive, or something like this, I don't really know, my mind is waay too screwed up to understand the thinking patterns of normal/healthy people.

When I think about it, why would I not want to give everything and the whole world to the person I love? I want to do that, I want her to be happy, I want her to smile and shine whenever possible. I want to support her whenever she needs it, I want to take care of her whenever she is ill, I want to keep her warm whenever she is freezing. I want to give all these things and so much more because I love her... why is that too much, how can you give "too much" to a person you love? I am unable to understand this.

What I am baffled about is the fact that it's causing me horrible pain, cause I don't get any of it back. Weird thing is, I'm consciously not expecting her to give back anything, but when I get to a point where I feel like I need some love, I get disappointed over what I receive.

I guess I'm forgetting that I'm still just a man, not a dispenser of endless love.

There's a saying "Treat others the way you want to be treated.", I guess that's what I'm doing, but nobody can give me what I truly need.

How can I stop, even tho I don't really want to?