CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 I think I'm losing weight....Well, no, I'm pretty damn certain that I'm losing weight. I've not been eating through the day, just find it soooo hard. I just think "what do i care?!" and go have a ciggie. I'm still eating a meal on the evening, though if Bimo wasn't cooking and shoving the plate in front of me, I probably wouldn't bother at all. Today, I've made a real effort and had a slice of toast, and already that guilt and other horrid feelings are creeping up on me. "you're gunna get sooooo fat, soooo disgusting. You're repulsive enough as it is, with your stretchmarks and your flabby stomach - look at those creases from sitting down! FAT PIG FAT PIG FAT PIG!!! - go on, show me BONES! We'll make you beautiful, but you need to give me bones...." So angry, want to shut my stupid mind up. Only way to do that, is to just not eat. But then Bimo will worry.... GAHHHHHH. :mad0233: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILostHer Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Today, I've made a real effort and had a slice of toast, and already that guilt and other horrid feelings are creeping up on me. "you're gunna get sooooo fat, soooo disgusting. You're repulsive enough as it is, with your stretchmarks and your flabby stomach - look at those creases from sitting down! FAT PIG FAT PIG FAT PIG!!! - go on, show me BONES! We'll make you beautiful, but you need to give me bones...." I say these words to myself everyday, I eat something I shouldn't (like a bagel or something...nothing massive) and persecute myself for the rest of the day. Weigh myself obsessively and can literally feel the fat piling on. Even with a low bmi and weight I feel so fat after eating anything at all. I too feel the bones thing, there is something about bones isn't there? I've seen pictures of you on here and fat didn't come into it at all. Sorry, completely useless reply I know, but I totally understand the self punishment after eating. And wanted you to know I feel exactly the same. If I ever find the answer I'll let you know. It's good that you are getting a meal once a day though, nutrients and stuff. (nutrients what's that? lol) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Today, I've made a real effort and had a slice of toast, and already that guilt and other horrid feelings are creeping up on me. "you're gunna get sooooo fat, soooo disgusting. You're repulsive enough as it is, with your stretchmarks and your flabby stomach - look at those creases from sitting down! FAT PIG FAT PIG FAT PIG!!! - go on, show me BONES! We'll make you beautiful, but you need to give me bones...." I say these words to myself everyday, I eat something I shouldn't (like a bagel or something...nothing massive) and persecute myself for the rest of the day. Weigh myself obsessively and can literally feel the fat piling on. Even with a low bmi and weight I feel so fat after eating anything at all. I too feel the bones thing, there is something about bones isn't there? I've seen pictures of you on here and fat didn't come into it at all. Sorry, completely useless reply I know, but I totally understand the self punishment after eating. And wanted you to know I feel exactly the same. If I ever find the answer I'll let you know. It's good that you are getting a meal once a day though, nutrients and stuff. (nutrients what's that? lol) xxx My mind is turning to mush now, so gunna be a short reply, but... Not useless at all hun. Thankyou. As screwed up and damaging as it is, It helps to know i'm not alone. *hugs* xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 i am trying to make effort to eat during day, but am same if hubby didnt cook i wouldnt bother, even though i feed kids but i used to then binge on choc etc i am having weight watchers meals in hope that they r relatively healthy, and cut out all my fav stuff big hugs cad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Well, I've managed two slices of tiger bread, toasted, with some butter today so far... More than I've eaten through the day over the past 2 weeks altogether (through the day, that is - I've been eating an evening meal).... Been trying to get myself up to make a cuppa for about an hour now, and I just haven't been able to. I don't even know why. I never have problems with drinking tea - am a bit addicted to it in fact. Maybe I'm just fucking lazy. I just feel huge. I KNOW that I'm not... I'm prob a size 6 uk, maybe a little bit smaller, as all my size 8s are hanging off me.... Even me knickers are starting to feel baggy as hell on me. But I FEEL it. I can feel meself wobbling and blobbing all over the place. It's just a constant battle with myself, telling myself that what i feel is wrong.... which then pisses me off... Maybe inaccurate would be a better word than wrong.... Argh. I don't even know. sorry. xx Cadance - I love weightwatchers meals - I used to get the microwave ones all the time. I got 'em from Iceland - used to get a couple diff ones from the lot that were a quid in there....much better than £2.whatever it is that they charge in supermarkets.... but i've not been to iceland, not really been able to leave the house... maybe it's something i should consider getting again. Will see about going on the weekend. Thanks for reminding me hun xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evade Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Have you tried the meal replacement shakes? I have those when I cannot decide what to eat - rather than not eating. Tesco and Asda sell their own brand stuff, or did, which is OK tasting. I find I don't eat when I am depressed - I just cannot be bothered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 ((((((((crippie)))))))) totally relate to the wanting to see bones, that bones are beautiful...its so fucking hard to challenge these thought patterns I know Here if you wanna talk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Have you tried the meal replacement shakes? I have those when I cannot decide what to eat - rather than not eating. Tesco and Asda sell their own brand stuff, or did, which is OK tasting. I find I don't eat when I am depressed - I just cannot be bothered. I was prescribed Ensure Plus shakes(is that was they were called??? can't remember, think so though) about 2 years ago for about a year, because I literally couldn't eat a thing for days and days, and then I'd raid the fridge and cupboards and blow all my money on junk one evening.... then days and days without food again.... And was given an ultimatum - ensure thingy shakes 4 times a day, or hospital where they would get me on a drip and make me eat =/ So, of course, chose the shakes.... But, meh. Have moved now, don't get 'em anymore. They did help though. Those meal replacement shakes sound like they might be good, but again, I know I have a tendancy to misuse stuff like that.... I could give it ago, I'll certainly remember this, thankyou. Oh and yeah, depression kills my appetite too. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 ((((((((crippie)))))))) totally relate to the wanting to see bones, that bones are beautiful...its so fucking hard to challenge these thought patterns I know Here if you wanna talk Thankyou Toaster darling. I just... Ugh. I'm getting so frustrated over it! I mean, where the hell am I supposed to start?!?! I'm not stupid, I understand that our bodies need a certain amount of this and that and whatever-fucking-else in order to function properly, and I understand also that when our bodies don't get certain vits and nutrients, that can cause depression/make it worse.... BUT the idea of spending any amount of time preparing and eating ANYTHING makes me feel like SHIT anyway, and then I get stupid fucking urges to do more damage to myself - sh etc...... I can't fucking win!!!!!! Besides... to be completely and utterly honest with you, I'd rather be in a hospital bed on a drip and all that shit, and to be able to see my hipbones stickin out, no boobs, no hips, my stupid flabby belly to be GONE.... than to be out in the world like a normal human behaving as abnormally as i am and just going wobble, wobble, wobble... ...not ranting at you btw sweetie, just... ranting at the world. I'm in one of those moods. Sorry hunni. hugs xxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evade Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Dunn's River Nourishment is another shake you can often get at petrol stations. I used to have them after clubbing. I weighed myself last night and have lost 10% of my bodyweight in 2 weeks - which I know is not good. But I am overweight still - medically. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Oh, and Bimo took me to Iceland when he got in from work, I've got - a chicken casserole and a cottage pie weightwatchers microwave meals, so gonna try and eat one for lunch tomorrow, and one on friday... See how I get on with that, and then I'll sort something else out at the weekend. *feels stupidly scared* xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 i know crippie its ok i dont really have any advice im sorry. i just recognise the thinking. and how we hate our bodies after havin a baby. that r bodies r never the same again afterwards. that to be laying in a hospital bed wasted away means we've succeeded and we r legit. its fucking horrible. and we are in a constant internal conflict about it. i think , although we love them, it is harder when we move in with someone. they dont want to see us hurt ourselves so we have the other person to think of as well. i know if i still lived alone id still be a wreck but i have winnie to think of now an i know u have bimo. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((crippie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Yeah, exactly! I don't want advice honey, I know you're struggling yourself too, I'm just so grateful that there's someone else who understands. xxxxx I know even when I was with Bimo but not living with him, it was easier for me to...not lie about it... but hide my behaviours... afterall, there was miles between us and it wasn't as though he was gunna pop round at tea time make sure I was eating.... I just... It is the guilt thing, maybe? I don't know if it's guilt I feel... I just know it feels fucking horrible. ....Needing to not eat for me, but knowing that I need to eat for him. I can remember when i saw a dietitian (Can NEVER spell that word?!?!!) back in Stockton, her saying that in crisis moments, or even bad patches, eating for someone else was enough to get through that initial period, but at some point, I'm gunna have to start eating for ME. That's where I'm stuck... I was eating for Logan's sake so I could play with him and look after him, nana's sake so she wasn't worried, mum's sake so she didn't feel she needed to keep a constant eye on me, and now with Bimo, I just see how it breaks his heart that I treat myself with such disregard, and that hurts. So I'm fucking stuck. Arghhh. As I'm typing this, he's cooking tea, so I'll eat that, and then prob feel shit for a couple hours after that, and then I'll get this stupid amount of hunger where i wanna eat and eat and eat and just never, ever stop... then bed time.... then i'll not eat tomorrow....until i have to have lunch... and it's the same thing over and over. I'm so sick of it. I want to be well, but i want to be properly thin. I don't wanna be slim or even a bit on the skinny side... I wanna be properly stick-thin. That's sick in and of itself, but it makes me feel good.... Pity it makes everyone around me feel like shit (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((darling toast)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibley Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 I don't really know what to say here. When I was a size 12, I felt ok with myself, I didn't feel fat, I felt normal. Now I am a size 8, I feel the fattest I have ever been, I look fat, I feel fat. Really disgusting. I want to be thinner, much thinner. I don't understand why I feel like this when 2 years ago I was 2 dress sizes bigger and felt ok. You do need to eat though, the more you don't eat, the more you'll put on when you do. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 ((((HH)))) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah-Sharpe Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 I think exactly the same as you I hardly eat during the day and when I do I feel awful about it, I want to be doing my exercise but I never have the energy to do it and it does my head in ! but if you try just little and often it wont hurt you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 ....So.... Looks like I'm working my way through my own little screwed up cycle with regards to the whole eating thing.... Today, I've had lunch - nothing much really, just a weightwatchers microwave meal - and just had evening meal.... Now I'm already wanting goodies, started eating bonbons, and Bimo got us a pack of doritos and some dip for us to pick at.... I'm lucky in that I'm absolutely skint, like, literally not got a penny, until tomorrow, cause think tonight would be a binge night. Struggling, feels really uncomfortable just NOT stuffing my face.... Argh. Need bonbons. and got loads of hard candy thingy lollies too. Hmph. Maybe some toast. Gahhhhh. Bad mood. <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 Hey Crip, I have read your post but none of the responses. Im having similar issues hence reading as little about Ed stuff as I can at the moment. Just wanted to let you know you are certainly not alone in this and I regularly think about you and the struggles you are facing. Stay strong, stay safe and be good to yourself Russ. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 ((((((((Russ)))))))) Hope you're safe yourself. Thankyou for replying, though I'm sorry you're struggling with this shite too xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x.glitter_raindrops.x Posted March 18, 2011 Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 Crippety-pooh, I was just about to make a post about my problems and then found this. once again you could have wrote my post for me. struggling so bad. just thought I'd say, hang in there hun, or i will be up there wearing my leopard print boots and booting that booty into submission and making you a huge hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows and making you enjoy every moment of it! Hey- I'll even have one too, if it makes you smile! thats all i can really say, as i dont know what to do either. i'm just obsessed with the fact i'm fat and cant lose the baby belly yet! plus whenever i imagine eating or even see someone else eating it repulses me! I love you hang in there hunni xXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted March 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 It's you!! So, so sorry you've going through similar shit hunni. Are you still eating though, or not? *hugs* With regards to baby belly, can take a while to shift darl, (I know I've still not lost my belly from when I lost the baby last Jan) Please please be patient with yourself - you know that not eating isn't gunna help any, gotta just try find some balance. Maybe put a meal n excercise plan in place? - if you can do that healthily, i know I'm shite at that - i go one extreme to the other. xxx Goddammit, I want hot chocolate now. always here for you hun, but you know that. You hang in there too!!! Love you. xXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.