CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 So, I was up, fed, dressed, and ready to go at 9 this morning.... I have to nip to Iceland - about a ten min walk away - to get a few bits and pieces....Was gunna get a couple of those weightwatchers microwave meals so I've got something in for lunch. Had some weird and not very nice dreams last night, woke up still a bit tired but feeling okay, mood has been fine..... But bout 10 past 9, got my shoes on, opened the door, and froze. I can't do it. I don't know why, but I just can't. There's just this...block... there. It's so stupid!!! - I only need to be out the flat for about half an hour, but I just can't bring myself to go. Really annoyed with myself for being so silly. Am going to run a bath and have a soak, then try again. Feel utterly pathetic, as am still shaking at the thought of going out. I don't even know why I feel this way, but I do. I'm scared, but I don't have any idea what it is that I'm scared of!!!!!!! :grrr: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsewithpulse Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 (((Crippie))) It sucks when this kind of thing happens for no apparent reason but it does happen... to lots of people. Funnily enough, I had a dream last night which has put me in a *urgh* kind of place and really slowed down my morning which is annoying as I'm going away tomorrow and could really do with my head screwed on properly. I'm just gonna have to defer a few things to this afternoon when hopefully, I'll be a little less ditsy. Don't beat yourself up about this, enjoy a nice bath and maybe try again in a few hours. If you make it then then you get to reek of awesomeness. If not, it's not the end of the world. You'll just be a little peckish. *passes loofah and rubber ducky* x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Cheers corpsey hun. Bath is running now. I just. Gahhh. I know it happens to loads of people, and I know that it's happened to me a lot before too. I think what is pissing me off the most about it, is that it's happened time and time again, but I still don't know how to deal with it, still haven't found a way to get through it. Makes me feel useless, pathetic, and pretty fuckin' stupid. *grumbles and moans* Where you off to tomorrow? Hope you manage to get stuff that needs sorting, sorted. hugs xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Morning Crippie This happens to me a lot or sometimes when I'm sat out on the step having a ciggie, I suddenly panic and have to go inside and usually I can't see a reason for this either. Brilliant that you're not giving up though and having a bath to calm yourself and then trying again. Have you got an ipod that you can put on with some bouncy music to get you going and out of the flat - kinda boxing style a few punches in the air and off you go!! However, if you still can't do it, don't worry about it just take it easy for the rest of the day and have another go tomorrow. Sending you lots of good vibes xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 hi crippie, you'r not stupid or useless at all its just one of those crap things that happens-no reflection on you whatsoever. exactly the same has happened to me loads too, and then the next day i've been able to get up and go out out with no problem. its weird. have a nice bath and have another go, or maybe just say u'll walk outside for two mins and not go all the way to iceland so theres less pressure. but if it doesn't happen it doesn't matter u'l get there xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsewithpulse Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 These kind of recovery things take time. For example, it took me about 15 years to get to grips and come to terms with my father's anger problems but I'm essentially at peace with it all now. So, you know, you'll get there eventually. Tomorrow, I'm hitching (can't afford coach/train - natwest - grrr) to Nottingham to see my favourite, not deceased, comedian in the world, Doug Stanhope. Thankoo for teh hopings:) I managed to get my breakfast sorted although I did overdo the pasta and underdo the sauce xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Morning Cats, honey. Yeah, the thing with the ciggie used to happen to me too when was at my mum's. Wasn't so bad at my nana's as we smoked inside through the colder months or from the patio door in the kitchen, so was still inside and I guess felt relatively secure, but at my mum's it was a nightmare. I can remember being sat on the patio and being able to see this great open field through the back gate at the end of the garden, and it would make me feel so exposed and vulnerable, i'd ditch the cig and have to run in and make a real conscious effort to slow my breathing right down and stop myself shaking. The bath has run, but it's still a bit hot so am just finishing a cuppa and gunna have a ciggie and then will go jump in. Have this gorgeous bubble bath - Imperial Leather Passion Flower & Rice Milk Bath Cream, and oh my word, it's lush! This awesome purple colour, and is so soft with such a pretty scent to it - it's like my own little bit of heaven. Hopefully will calm me down enough to get my ass out the door!!!! Got to wash my hair as well - gahhh, I hate that. I hate faffing about with it, generally just let it do it's thing while get on with other stuff, but when my hair is all straightened and stuff & i've got my face on I usually feel more ready to step out into the big bad world. Gwaaarrggghhhh, am hungry. Really must get to the shop today. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Morning vivien, I really like that idea of "oh, me? Nah, not going anywhere - i'm just gunna toddle round the corner"...Think that could work, will certainly give it a bash and see if any sweeties burst out fer me. Thankyou xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Gawddammit Corpseyyy! now I'ma wantin' pasta, yummy! Breakfast, though? Yeah, bloomin' recovery. Doesn't come quickly, does it - however much we may hope and pray. Work, work, work, though I'm sure it will be more than worth it when I can wake up one day think "i'm going to the shop" and go to the shop I shall, just like that! .... No drama here, nuh uh. I'm just an impatient little shit who wants it all two days ago. Oh well. Oooooh, I've heard a lot about him, but don't think I've seen any of his stuff, though that may be my task once I return from Iceland ( I WILL bloody get there today!!) .... He's influenced by Hicks, right? Tbh, if he's your fave, then I defo should check him out, as you do have good taste. (not quite as good as mine, but ahh well ) Sounds like you're in for some fun, really hope you enjoy, mister xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Yep I agree about the recovery thing. I am also incredibly impatient with myself and used to have "I should be better now, why aren't I better now" going round in my head all the time and would be very poorly then start to feel a bit better and then go full speed ahead to quickly and too soon and would crash into a brick wall time and time again. I still have that in me but I am more aware of it now and try to make a conscious effort to keep my foot off the accelerator and try to do things in moderation - hard work but it seems to be about getting a balance between not pushing yourself too hard and not pushing yourself at all - somewhere in the middle and what works for you is good. Enjoy your bath sweets xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelbo Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Hi Crippie, I get this quite often but found ways to get around it, mainly setting myself routines before I leave the house so then I feel prepared. One thing is to shower/put make-up on/do my hair/blow nose/use deodrant. Just basically prepare myself so that I feel ready to be presented to the outside world. Also checking things like I've got enough tissue in my pocket, I've got my keys/purse/phone on me, I've got chewing gum, lipsil, body spray, hand cream should I need them. And then once I'm outside I check the door is locked and concentrate on my breathing and the weather (so to stop me from getting panicky.) It has really helped me stop panicking about going outside. I'm not the most social of people, and I do feel safer indoors, but I can go out if I want to. I guess the make-up/hair etc is all a bit of a "mask" really. Making sure I look ok, disguised so that no-one will take notice of me, or if they do they just think I look clean/presentable. If I go out looking unkept I will feel paranoid about it later so there isn't any point in doing so. Perhaps you could try doing your own little routines? I know it's such an effort having to "prepare" to go outside, and it seems silly thinking ahead of things like that, but it really has helped me. Hope you enjoy your bath! I'm the same, baths are a lifesaver for me. :-) Take care. Kelly x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsewithpulse Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Indeed, pasta for breakfast. If it's good enough for Italian footballers then it's good enough for me. Scrumptious, filling and a nutritious source of slow burning energy, pasta for breakfast ftw! Well actually, there was nothing else in Recovery is a bloomin weird one. Sometimes, you can all but have given up on the idea and then a little fairy pops up from nowhere, taps you on your head with a little wand and *poof* you're better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my exquisite taste is second only to yours The Dougster is of a similar vein to Hicks and Carlin and I definitely approve. I would post a little example of his work on here but it's 99% certain to offend at least one bod. Indeed I shall enjoy, thank you. Just a matter of getting my mood to peak at the right time xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Hi crippie, hope you managed to got out i know how scary that is, i have argraphobia and at the minute it rules my life no where is safe anymore. Just keep trying is all i can say, the more you go out the easier it gets, i hope you have a good day.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 ....Still not got anywhere Tried another 3 times, just can't do it. Charging my ipod a bit more while I smoke and then gunna try again. Feel so stupid. Why is it so bloody difficult?!!?! *fumes* xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Hi (Crip) It's one thing i just still cannot do - a 'big' shopping. I can go into a small supermarket - not the one in the big bloomin shoppin centre, and grab a few things, sometimes. My 20 y.o would eat for Ireland, he has such a speedy metabolism, as does my friend Paul who stays Saturdays. I feel bad if there is noting but pasta & rice out there. Can u do online grocery shopping- i kno tesco do it here. Its a bit finiky an sometimes you get the wrong stuff lol but saves the panic- mostly. I save up an extra xanax for when i have to get a basket of groceries- and have a podcast or something on. Hope ya had a nice bath. Is ther any 2nd hand or interesting shops around that you could pop into when out? I love 2nd hand clothes shopping, or even buying a lipstick or nailvarnish as a 'reward' for going out - a quid or 2, nothin fancy. Some anti-d apparantly have anti-anxiety effects... can you talk to your care giver? Wishing you strenght and positivity darlin' crip, luvs & hugs, a.m xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Thankyou m'lovely. xxxxxxxx I could understand me freaking out this much if it was a big shop I was supposed to be doing, but I only needed to get a couple things so I've got stuff in for dinner, doubt would even spend £6. Daft, eh!?! But gawd, big food shops - fecking HATE them. When I had to do big shops on my own I used to get a bus there, then before walking in the door would take a Seroquel tablet, then would race round like an idiot with my trolley and a list, phone taxi while at check out, then be in taxi and pinching myself all the way home to stay awake, shove the stuff away as quick as I could then collapse on the sofa and sleep for an hour.... Proper routine, ehy?! That way, I'd wake up and wouldn't feel so anxious, and i'd have been racing round too fast before I crashed out to be able to panic much anyway Anyhoo, am off to try again to get something to eat now - I should be able to manage it now, as am massively triggered and need to run run run, so may just do that there and back, quick as a quick. Feel so fat and bleugh and eurghhh!!! Right, got me shoes on so am off. thanks for strength and positivity - means loads. love and hugs to you darlin. xxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 :hug2: Hope it goes okay lovely, look after you pleaseee xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Made it in once piece. Not to Iceland, just ran to the garage and back, but have got food anyway. Will try again with that tomorrow. hugs lovely xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Well done sweets - you've done well considering how horrible this was making you feel - keep building on it a little bit at a time xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsewithpulse Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 :sm.jpg: Attagrrrl! Hope you enjoy your noms xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Fankoo my lovelies. xxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Aww yay well done hun xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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