toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 *****Triggers****** So I'm going through some real rubbish in my head at the moment. I posted on here a while ago about things not going right with my PhD: Well, things are worse now. I'm trapped like this. I'm getting cognitive behavioural therapy (private, so I'm broke, but I wasn't waiting for the NHS). I've just had a week off work to try and sort things out, but all that's changed is I'm even more nervous about being in work. Sitting at my desk makes me so anxious. I've been put on beta-blockers now to control the adrenaline rush that comes with the anxiety, which seem OK at the moment but I will need more time to really know if they're working and are right for me. I also have a kidney infection which is taking a long time to treat. I've been to see the director of postgrad studies at my department, and he has suggested I stay off work until my 6 weeks of therapy is up, which will give me more time to sort out my medication. I think it might help, but my supervisor is going to go apeshit. He has already given me grief for having that week off. He just expects me to get "fixed" and then there won't be any more problems. He wants me to promise him that I won't ever have a wobble again, that I won't consider quitting again. How can I promise him that? My head is all over the place, I don't know what's best anymore. I have a couple of holidays with families and friends planned this year, and I know if I take these weeks off he won't let me have these holidays. I commented to him once that I had surprised myself how far I'd got in my career. He pointed out that I have only got as far as I have because I've been "lucky" that people have tolerated me, and that that wouldn't happen in the future. There was me thinking I've got as far as I have by persevering, but never mind. Seems I've just been "lucky." This is the same guy who wants me to come off my meds entirely. Aside from his tactless comments, I'm overwhelmed with guilt that I am incapable of working as hard as everyone else. My friends in the office are in working late in the evenings and weekends sometimes, positive and keen to get on with their work whether they're getting good results or not. I just can't cope with all the responsibilities and pressure. I should be able to; this is how people earn their place in the world, right? I just count down the hours till I can go home at 5pm, earlier sometimes if my supervisor has already gone home. I struggle so much to have the motivation to get up in the morning, I'm always in late, and I get grief for that. There are so few jobs in the current climate, I am just taking up space for someone who can work hard. I don't deserve to have a job at all. I don't know what else I'm going to do with my life, my anxiety will always get in the way, and it makes me a waste of space. If I can't work as hard as everyone else, I don't deserve anyone's respect, don't deserve my nice house, to eat good food, the love of my family and friends. I don't deserve to make myself look good when I go out because I have nothing in my life to be proud of. I don't want to let the university down and the company I work for down, they have a lot riding on this. I should be able to shoulder the responsibility like all the others in my department but I can't. This makes me a failure, and I shouldn't be breathing the same air as those who work hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Sounds like a really difficult situation!I do feel for you. All if this mental health stuff becomes a vicious circle and quickly spirals out of control. Your supervisor sounds completely insensitive and ignorant with his views about you just getting 'fixed'. If only it was that easy! Look I think taking that time off the director has suggested would be a good thing. It will give you time to get back on top of things. You can't feel guilty about your other colleagues, they are not going through what you are at the moment. Would you resent them is they were off with say glandular fever? No, of course you wouldn't, I wish everyone could view mental health issues in the same way. I don't feel that I can talk to my friends about it atall, at least you have confided in colleagues about how you feel, I think that is a good step. Do you feel CBT is helping? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I think the CBT is helping so far; it is making things a lot clearer in my head and helping me understand how all my feelings relate to each other, so they're not quite as scary. I don't feel like I have control over things at all at the moment and I worry for the future. My therapist says he hopes to make a difference in these six weeks - I'm skeptical but I'm giving it a chance. My feelings of needing to be hard-working and successful are incredibly deep-seated, it will be hard to shake them but I think it's not healthy to be as fixated with it as I am. I find I feel ever so guilty about enjoying anything in life, as I feel I don't deserve it. One day last year I didn't feel I'd worked hard enough during the day so I slept on the rug on the floor, as I didn't believe I deserved to sleep in my bed. I can't believe that now I've written it down! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Why are these feelings of being hardworking/successful so deep seated? Is it to do with your upbringing? You are achieving this by doing what you are doing, it sounds very hard work! How much is private CBT costing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Oh and the sleeping on a rug thing- I look at some of my posts and think how the hell can I write that and on here, it kind of feels like I am reading about someone else but I think it helps x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I've always felt that way. I was bullied very badly at school (I am autistic) and my mum told me that they were just jealous that I was a good student, and that one day I'd realise how important it was to be successful and I'd leave them behind. I suppose I feel that if I fail now, I am giving up that line of defence. I don't feel I'm being hardworking at all, I have so much mental rubbish and anxiety in the way. I know it's not my fault but it doesn't exactly make me employee of the year! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 but remember to look back at what you have achieved so far and how you have got to where you are! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 When I am down I cannot think of positive things, it's like my mind relishes thinking negative thoughts. I don't even feel good looking at my masters degree certificate on the wall, as I didn't get as good a mark as I wanted. It's still a very good degree and I'd easily find a job with it, but all I can see is the failure to get that top mark. And now I feel I'm failing at my PhD too. I'm writing a diary at the moment with good thoughts in the front, bad thoughts in the back (so I can relay them to my therapist), so when I'm feeling low I can read the good things I've written in black and white. I must try to write down the good things people say to me, word for word, then maybe I'd believe them! My friends and family are all very supportive, it's just my supervisor and employers who have absolutely no patience and in my mind that's all I listen to x P.S. The CBT is £70/hour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 That diary sounds like a really good idea, maybe I should try that! Gosh that is a lot on money!!! I am trying to get a doctors appointment at the moment as I am feeling pretty down too, however it is prooving to be difficult, I kind of think should I just go private as it is so much easier but making a commitment to that cost each week for a period of time is pretty scary! Argh!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 It is great that you can talk to family and friends about it too, that is a big positive thing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I'm hoping the therapist can make a difference in these next few weeks, then it won't be too much money. I was thinking about buying an iPhone but I'm doing this instead. I'm sure getting CBT is way more productive! It's looking hopeful, there's lots of filling in flowcharts and tables and scribbling on paper but it's making a lot of sense to me now. One thing my therapist did show me was a piece of research about "intrusive thoughts," that is, thoughts which pop into your head suddenly and uninvited which are completely out of character. They'd asked 200 students with NO history of MH issues what thoughts they'd had. Something like 30-40 % of them had thought about, among other things: - pushing a loved one in front of a bus - slapping a stranger - jumping off a building - being stabbed - binge eating and purging - driving a car into a shop window I have thoughts like this often, but this reassured me that it's not always possible to control every thought in your head, and that sometimes you just shouldn't listen to what's there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I have had these thoughts too. I used to get them a lot more as a child, especially at a quite time such as school assembly! Ok well that is reassuring that people without issues get them too. How did you find the therapist? Are you suffering from depression too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I found my therapist here: http://www.babcp.com/Default.aspx I do have depression as well, though less severe than the anxiety. I think the two are separate, I have cycles of being depressed and not being depressed, just as the anxiety comes and goes (more coming than going in recent months!) but not necessarily together. My family has a long history of depression in women (my mother tried to kill herself after my younger sister was born), though my autism has exacerbated the anxiety. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Mine goes in cycles too, but it seems to be happenning more frequently at the moment. My anxiety is only really in social sitautions when I feel uncomfortable. I feel as though there is a huge weight on top of my head that keep getting heavier! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Mine used to be worst in social situations but since I came to uni after a shaky start I've met some truly amazing people who have helped me through it, little by little. My work anxiety is the worst. It's only been around for about 2 years - before that I was genuinely happy. It makes me feel completely worthless. Seems that once I sort one area of my life out, another area gets messed up :crying_anim02: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toocrazy Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Hi toxictobees57, I can't handle life anyway, let alone throw in some health problems and it gets grinding. No one is 100% perfect or 100% awful in a job. I have felt like the biggest loser at work before and it hurts every part of my like. What helped was finding the things I could fix and hit the 100% mark. It helped more than anything. One thing you can fix is being late. The 'being on time nazis' feel completely justified in shucking out constant abuse to the ones who are late. This is one thing that is 100% fixable...even for the most challenged person in the world. You might have to get up hours earlier but fix it.(start out only fixing it at work..be late everywhere else ) Say nothing, shrug your shoulders when they take the piss you are early, minimise it until they take it for granted. This will open the way for you to see what you can do to fix your life and what you have to learn to live with. Being late is not something you can't fix. There is no one more 'time' challenged than I am and I fixed it...100% at work. I'm not late and I don't leave early...huge..bigger than any skill I have. ((f**kin ridiculous it is such a big royal deal but got about 1/2 of them off my back)) Try it..what can you fix..what is possible to do at 100%? It will help you accept what you can't do perfect and get you some pride back in yourself. You are not a loser, you are on track for a great career. Don't blow it. xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I should try that. I've always got up at the same time every morning, always. Only now I need more time! Perhaps I should adjust and give myself an extra hour to wake up and get my head ready for the day. I feel like I'm already blowing it. My supervisor doubts my ability to do anything and puts me down at every opportunity. It's eating away at my sanity, playing on all my anxieties, which spirals me down even further. His opinion (and I'm starting to believe him) is that you can't get on in life with a mental illness, especially when you're given lots of responsibilities. He expects me to get fixed and that just won't happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Is your anxiety only a problem at this job? How long do you have to stay there for? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I don't really have anxiety problems in other areas, I've found ways to deal with them over the years, but this one's relatively new and has caught me sideways. My contract is 39 months, I've been here 6 already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Well it is quite a long period of time that you have in front of you but it is not forever! I think you really need to try and not let this anxiety turn into anything else and spill into and effect other happier areas of your life. Just try as hard as it is to keep it at work, and hopefully learn how to deal with it there also. What are you going to do about taking time off? Are you off at the moment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I've just had a week off, and I still don't feel right about being here. I said this to the DOPGS and he suggested staying off work until my CBT is finished. I think it would help but it's not practical. I need to balance looking after my mental health and doing my job well. I'm at work at the moment, pending a meeting with my supervisor and the DOPGS later this afternoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlej Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Well good luck, hope it goes ok! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toxictobees57 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Thanks! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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