Just Continue, Don't Stop.

[nosse]

I started treatment for my bulimia about 1 year ago, but I've had bulimia for 2 years. I had to talk to a nurse for 9 months, and now they passed me on to a psychologist. The nurse said that my stomach mouth has ruptured and that it won't ever grow back into a tight form, so I vomit every time I bend down or sit up, if I just ate or drank anything. I was put on anti-depressants about 5 months ago. I dropped out of high school because I can't focus at all, and now I'm living at home doing nothing, being sometimes visited by my boyfriend. I'm forced to wake up at 8 am everyday to take my pills and eat breakfast, 12 I have to eat lunch, and 5 I have to eat dinner. They say that I need structure in my life, but that system just makes me even more depressed. I'm trapped in my own home. I've isolated myself from everyone I know, only keeping 1 friend, and my boyfriend close to me. I don't want to meet anyone. I've deleted facebook and any other social networks so that I don't have to respond to any wall posts. I guess I have some type of anxiety towards that. I hate talking to people and I feel this constant pressure to entertain everyone. I like to be alone in my room, lay on the floor with the lights off, and just cry. After all, there's nothing to look forward to. When I'm at home I just eat until I'm so full that the smallest movement in my stomach can make me vomit, so I end up vomiting in trash cans, toilets, showers, kitchen sinks. It's hard to keep it in when I'm in public, I've had to swallow my own vomit many times. I've gained so much weight now that I'm home, but that doesn't stop me from eating. Doesn't help that friends of mine joke about my weight either, specially when they're beautiful and thin. I don't really show that things hurt me, I guess that whats worse than being fat is when people know that you think you are fat and you suffer from it, so I just laugh along. If they only knew that all the times I laugh and smile, I'm trying so hard not to cry. The anti-depressants aren't working either, I hate myself more than ever. My psychologist just compliments me, but it means nothings to me. I'm fat, stupid, and ugly, and I've finally come to deal with it. My boyfriend loves me, and I love him but I always try to find ways to pick a fight just to see how much he loves me, because I don't understand how anyone could ever love me. I've had two nosejobs (16 years old), and a liposuction (15 years old), but ofcourse I gained the weight back on, and my nose didn't come out the way I wanted it to. I was so skinny back then, and I hate myself for letting go. I've started going to the gym now, but it won't make a diference, I'm destroyed. It's not easy being reminded of how ugly I am, when my best friend is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen, and I'm just nothing. These are just some things, but what I'm trying to say is that, don't let it get this bad, don't ever let it get this bad. The saddest thing is that I know how I'm gonna die, it's gonna be because of me, either suicide or health problems. Live for yourself, and for those who love you.