5 Star Luxury

[Saharah Blue]

I am hoping that by posting this I do not come across as being utterly shallow, because this really is about self esteem and self worth.

I have not seen my bf in almost a year now, we live in separate countries and there have been a lot of obstacles keeping us us part during this time. Finally, finally we are going to be able see each other. I am both nervous and excited.

Today we were looking for a hotel online, initially I wanted a very romantic hotel. As a designer I am likely more than most drawn to the architecture and detailing that boutique hotels offer. So, we swapped links and talked on the phone and I kept coming back to the 5 star cosmopolitan hotels. The longer we looked the more everything else started to look starkly cheap, tawdry and depressing in comparison. Well it would wouldn't it?

We decided to have a think and come back to it later. I got off the phone and really started to struggle with whether or not I was worth the money. I mean, I couldn't ask my bf if I were worth it up front without starting a self worth discussion, I would be creating obstacles that way. Since I didn't feel like I could do that I started talking myself into lowering my expectations it depressed me. While I was feeling deflated about not knowing how to talk about this. I just took it down a huge notched and decided we shouldn't even stay in the city, because clearly it was too much money and I was at the center of that problem.

Now, he has said nothing about not splurging and at no point did he ever say no, I won't do that, or I can't or I wouldn't.

In my head I hear a voice saying how dare you want so much sah, how greedy and impractical you are, what have you done to deserve such a fine treat. You do not work hard, you do not understand the value of money or what length people go to earn and save, you just ride a wave of selfish emotional mood swings with no structure or much consideration for anyone but yourself.

Doorbell rang and after my guests had left, I looked around again and found a country club for about half the price of the 5 star hotels on the outskirt of town, it has a lot of amenities cozy looking rooms, room service, free parking, and looks a convince to scoot in and out of town. It looked good, it seemed like middle ground, then it hit me I have been making this really stark. We could easily stay in a less expensive hotel and still splash out for one night in a fine hotel. I came on to post and I saw that others have been talking about self esteem and self worth and I thought this really fits. Because I am conjuring these scenarios in my head.

I have such a hard time talking about money. It really distresses me to assert myself this way. So, I nudge at the boundaries. I don't want to look utterly pathetic, by selling myself so far short. Or entitled and self indulgent by expecting someone else to just cover the bill, or revealing my catastrophizing and shameful feelings that "money vs. worth" trigger in me.

I want to be able to feel good about myself and tell myself I do deserve it, Or as a couple we deserve this occasion together. But, realize I don't have many resources on how to re-frame my thinking. I know some people here have done more on self esteem. I have my loving kindness meditation, but some how Buddhism and luxury romance do not seem to go hand in hand.

*can't seem to stop editing my grammar, you would think I was in school, blegh!

[toocrazy]

Saharah,

You have to make sure you don't set yourself up by making either choice have the power to hurt your self-esteem. If he doesn't want to spend the money, you aren't good enough or if you push to stay somewhere nice you are asking too much.

Don't forget love. You've been apart because life happens. Love stops the world until it allows life to happen. I don't think it can be helped because time won't stop. It moves on and the lovers hold on tight until life finally forces them to break the embrace. There is nothing terribly important here except you are going to be together. Let love stop the world again...surrender.

xo

[Saharah Blue]

Saharah,

You have to make sure you don't set yourself up by making either choice have the power to hurt your self-esteem. If he doesn't want to spend the money, you aren't good enough or if you push to stay somewhere nice you are asking too much.

xo

Thank you for this reply reminder that it is very possible that by making only 2 choices for myself, I am still hurting my self-esteem, especially if both choices are emotionally loaded. I do tend to eliminate choice/options in my life in order to avoid potential rejection which can spiral into despair and despondency. It really hurts my growth.

I am trying to catch myself, and re-frame my thinking, minimize the backlash and damage this causes me, my relationship with others, and my life. I know I am doing better, because more and more I am having these storm-in-a-teacup episodes, where. I can see myself being irrational, or heading down a path of distorted thinking, but I am not able to always know how to talk myself back to a place of calmer waters.

[Dibley]

Why shouldn't you expect nice things. There is nothing wrong with staying in a 5 star place. When we go away we stay in 5 star places, although that's more my partners doing than mine.

[Saharah Blue]

Head hurts,

Well it is "my love's" doing as well.

I think I get triggered by money and maybe like you worry about "what if he cheats" with your bf, I worry about what if he changes his mind and just decides I am not worth it, I'll be devastated and heartbroken. I know logically I should not hinge my self worth and sanity on it, but I do have BPD and these irrational fears feel very very real when they are happening. I like nice things too and there is no reason I should try and change my whole self to avoid being me or talking about it together.

I am learning to talk about stuff more and more and I am never rejected for it, but I am so afraid that it could happen. Its like that feeling that you want a guarantee on love before you trust putting yourself out there, Love just doesn't work like that. I know at the heart of it, lurking pretty deep are the scary issues, the ones that take myself to task and berate myself. Its like the poison parrot thing that Catsmother shared with us.

Your response helped me not feel so alone for not bring my 50/50 cash to the relationship table, my bf makes a lot more than I ever did working and always will and sometimes I struggle to accept it and other times I am fine.

love,

sah