So Apparently I Am Poison

[Fuck-My-Life]

Yes, I was called poison by a guy.

I got woken by a text last night saying about meeting up. I replied with "lol, what for freebie sex? Yeah right". Then left it as that (this was not from any website etc, he was an old fling as it were). I had a response this morning with "you are a lovely lady. Its no wonder anybody wants to be with you in the long run. You start a fight as soon as you enter a room. You are poison. It must suck being you".

So lets see now. I was "aggressive" according to a few members on here. I am now poison. Not sure which ones more favourable!

I revisited an recent post I made on here. I get on with the member who mentioned aggression, but then hey ho.. all the members who seem to have it in for me, ganged up and gave green positives. Surprise surprise.

Oh and then he (guy I like and generally mention) said if I am not down anytime soon to see him, he will have to call it a day. Nice.

You know though? Generally quite pleased in one way that pretty much every single guy I have established some kind of relationship with has been an arse. As it makes me think I cant be bothered with any man in the future, thus saving me from further heartache. That old crap about finding someone else? Please! Yes, if you believe in fairytales, and that theres a secret gingerbread house hidden away in a nearby forest.

Seriously though. If I am poison, should I bother going into my placement tonight for nightshifts? surely poison kills people? I dont want to kill people!

Oh and just emptied my text history on my Mr Number Call blocker. What charmers! "You are a bitch". "You think you are so innocent, but your arent". "You may as well sell your c*** for peanuts". And references to a load of sex stuff.

I didnt know that you could go through the text history on it. I had blocked several numbers using this application, and needed to have a clearout, when I found these texts, which I hadnt otherwise seen.

And on here, its like those who dont get on with me always see a golden opportunity to either upset me or piss me off, when I say I dont like something, someone else mentions something and then its give them green reps for it. E.g. last post.

Dont know what the hang to do :(

[CrippleAndStarfish]

when are you gunna leave the "aggressive" thing alone, seriously?

you've made a couple topics about it already, you could continue to discuss that there if you feel you need to say more on the matter, not drag it into other topics too.

As for you being poison - no, but you DO have a lot of people around you/in contact with you who seem to think that it's okay to call you poison.... THEY are the poisonous ones, remove them, block, delete, whatever you can. Messages from them? don't read, just delete. They aren't worth it, and you are getting yourself stuck in a cycle of being hurt by something a guy says, then accepting that it is wrong, that you are NOT this bad thing that they say, you remove them.... and another one crops up, you get hurt.... and it continues.

I've been there, so many times. You need to cut all ties, stay strong. No one has the right to make you feel like you're poison, or any of the other things these jerks have said about you, but you are still giving the the power to do so by not being proactive about it.

x

[Data]

Yes, I was called poison by a guy.

.....

I had a response this morning with "you are a lovely lady. Its no wonder anybody wants to be with you in the long run. You start a fight as soon as you enter a room. You are poison. It must suck being you".

This must be horrible to hear, but is it accurate?

I am not interested in fights or arguments or disputes about the reputation system, I am just trying to help.

Often aggressive people are not bad people. They are just insecure and vulnerable inside, and they work on this theory: hurt other people before they hurt you. Or it could be perhaps that you are very sensitive to criticism (real or imagined) and you lash out as a result of that. Or perhaps you don't actually mean to be aggressive, you just lack social skills.

[Fuck-My-Life]

I made reference to it because I am saying the "poison" comment is just another thing to add...

I have had my new number for a good nearly two years now. I had to change it to stop my ex contacting me, as he was hassling me (though it didnt really make any difference as he was sending about two letters a week to my Halls address, plus contacting Mum- still does the latter from time to time which is annoying). Obviously, I was thick enough to hand out my number in that time.

I suppose when I get a response initially and its something like that, I am thinking, and who the fuck are you to speak to me with such disrespect (text). But Mr Number has been good, as anyone on the block list who rings gets cut off, and then their texts are sent to the little covered up history thing. But I felt paranoid, as I can "tell" when a text comes through, even though I cant necessarily see it.. I have a Blackberry, and it flashes red when I have received something.

T-Mobile wont change my number again, which pisses me off, and I still have another 9 months to go with their contract. Not going back to them anyway, their bills are disgusting.

[Fuck-My-Life]

Hmm, well I think my social skills are ok.

I said before in another post, that the word is a trigger for me since it has for me, negative connotations... have you ever heard the word being used in a good sense on someone? Personally I havent.

[Fuck-My-Life]

Sorry data, that actually hurts. It is a huge knock on my self esteem. I know you dont want to argue- I dont either- but it is very hard to intrepret what the "accurate" bit means... it could be seen as a rhetorical question e.g. may be true. :(

[yasontheborder]

Hugs Hun. Don't really have words now, but don't let it wind you up.xx

[Fuck-My-Life]

Thank you yas xxxx

[Data]

Sorry data, that actually hurts. It is a huge knock on my self esteem. I know you dont want to argue- I dont either- but it is very hard to intrepret what the "accurate" bit means... it could be seen as a rhetorical question e.g. may be true.

Many people have made comments on me in my life, some have been insults that haven't been constructive and have been said to hurt me, and that sucks, because I am quite a sensitive guy.

However, other people have made critical comments, which have sometimes been phrased insensitively, but which have turned out to be true. So those where a double-whammy: its hurt when I've heard their words, and its hurt when I've thought about it and realised that they are right. But the good thing about these sorts of things is that they give you the insight you need to change your behaviour.

Anyway I am sorry if your self-esteem feels damaged, and I hope you are ok.

[Fuck-My-Life]

Anyways, I am currently dealing with some arse who got my number from his "friend".... I am so careful as to who I give my number out to, he is saying it was earlier this year. When I find this friend, I am gonna kill him!!! Fucking arse!!

[bundy117]

One persons poison could be another persons antidote ! With depression we all take on negative comments and when we are down anyway they can destroy us. In texts things are shortened and get lost in translation at times. Or we mindread and read into things that are not there. Or we miss the jokey wink that was with the comment that showed it was just a tease. Negative comments come from nieve people who probably dont really know us or understand us or have the time to want to get to know us. So why care about what some muppett says ? Your true friends will tell you YOUR AMAZING, and not cos they are your friends but because to them YOU ARE. Look after YOU, be proud of YOU. And go do something you love to do, that might put a smile back on your face. Hugs x

[Benway]

Hiya (fml)

When you joined here imho at first you were a little bit aggressive in the way you worded things occasionally... but you don't do it anymore. No offense meant. It was like you'd just had enuff, of the ppl you share with in halls & needed to rant.

I am sorry that this guy is bein such a prick to you and sending nasty msgs/txts,

Oh- being "Poison" is a huge difference to being really upset and lashing out even at yourself .

You are not poison, you are studying hard within a caring vocation.

And reading thru blocked txt msgs is bound to upset anyone, no wonder you are upset.

It would be best to forget these guys, and move on with your study.

And you don't kill people, you help them! Don't forget that. take care, a.m x

[Data]

Sorry data, that actually hurts. It is a huge knock on my self esteem. I know you dont want to argue- I dont either- but it is very hard to intrepret what the "accurate" bit means... it could be seen as a rhetorical question e.g. may be true.

Another thought... you never picked a fight with me. So maybe you are not aggressive at all, and the person who called you "poison" was in the wrong.

[Fuck-My-Life]

Thank you data. I remember you were the very first person to reply to my first post. I joined here and was writing about how I hated life/going to Beachy Head etc.

You were honest "You seem angry", but still kind. I dont mind people like that; if they want to tell me something but are are nice about it... if I think someone is deliberately trying to be horrid though, then I wont respond well.

Thank you as well badkitteh and bundy. Bundy- your antidote comment was very comforting and thank you for your kind words. Kitteh, thank you as well. I was focusing on my work the whole day yesterday! And now preparing for the night shift- ergh! xx

[AndyL]

Okay, I'm gonna wade into this with a couple of observations. But first a little bit of disclosure:

I am just a guy (my first strike, right?) sitting here at a computer at work doing this job instead of the work I'm being paid for, far across the Atlantic Ocean from you. I don't know you, have no indication of who you really are, how you grew up, who you love, your dog's name if you have a dog, whatever. Chances are I will never know you. All I have to go on are the posts you contribute to this forum. I've been here a while and have seen many members come and go over the years. Almost every post I contribute I try to compose as thoughtfully as I have time for. Some are more successful than others, but that's life, and taking things too personally on what is largely an anonymous internet forum is, in my view, a waste of energy.

Onto the observations.

From your moniker, which contains a vulgarism, to nearly every post you contribute on this forum, there is anger and hostility, even, at times, abuse. I know I've been on the receiving end of it. From what I've seen this is largely--although not exclusively--what you present to the world here. You have to understand that. You're pissed (the American meaning, not drunk) and it shows.

So the question is, is this how you present yourself to the real world? Are you that angry person we see here? And if you are, why are you so shocked when people respond negatively? Instead of blaming the world, can you look inward and try to come to an understanding about your behavior and possibly take steps to get that hostility under control so that your interpersonal relationships can be more effective? The absolute first step towards recovery that anyone with a personality disorder can take is to own your behavior. When it stops being everyone else's fault, clarity will eventually follow. This is true for anyone.

[Fuck-My-Life]

AndyL- I seriously find your posts hard to decipher.

They are both rude and negative. Why is it you NEVER have anything good to say about me whatsoever? Perhaps I wouldnt have responded in the way I have done if there was more kindness. Do I actually set out to hurt others on here, with what you describe as my "vulgarity"? I dont think so.

Secondly, how dare you accuse me of "blaming the world". That goes to show, as correctly as you state in your first paragraph, JUST how little you really know me. I havent made it easy for myself in many instances.. but then again, I didnt actively make my flatmates start smoking dope in the kitchen, my first boyfriend rape me, my parents split, did I?

I have seen many of your posts on here... so blunt and bitter. I think, God, why cant you just take it easy on that person, no matter WHO they are?

Clearly, you have been following my posts. Thats entirely up to you, but for me, if someone had been on the "receiving end" of an abusive message, which you seem to highlight I have done, I would stay the hell away from them. Not follow posts up.

Why cant you try and see the good, as well as the bad hmm? So bloody negative! And dont swing this back to me, as none of us are perfect. Perhaps you have unresolved issues too, well, clearly you do, else none of us would be here.

For example. I do enjoy laughing, and I love some of the videos on Youtube. I want to make others laugh as well, as I know how bad the pain can be, or how lonely it is. You obviously havent seen any of my humour posts. Or maybe you have, but you choose not to view, as you actively want to point out my flaws and have a little dig at me everytime you see a golden opportunity to. Like you have done here.

Do I care? No. I just wanted to make a few things clear. I aim to be kind to everyone on here, I would only say something if I thought it was really necessary.

Personally, I feel I have come on leaps and bounds, although the journey is still long. And I have made up with some people here. As you can see in earlier posts to this message, some have responded in an honest way, but at the same time have pointed out the good.

And to be honest, I think that is what makes a good posting. Sometimes, you do have to be told, yes. But dont continuously seek to point out a persons limitations.. because in the long run, I have found it has neither done myself, nor others any favours.

So, as much as you probably mean well (or at least I hope...), cut it out! We arent perfect on here, and I am sick of you going on about my bad points.

[Bizzy]

AndyL- I seriously find your posts hard to decipher.

They are both rude and negative. Why is it you NEVER have anything good to say about me whatsoever? Perhaps I wouldnt have responded in the way I have done if there was more kindness. Do I actually set out to hurt others on here, with what you describe as my "vulgarity"? I dont think so.

Secondly, how dare you accuse me of "blaming the world". That goes to show, as correctly as you state in your first paragraph, JUST how little you really know me. I havent made it easy for myself in many instances.. but then again, I didnt actively make my flatmates start smoking dope in the kitchen, my first boyfriend rape me, my parents split, did I?

I have seen many of your posts on here... so blunt and bitter. I think, God, why cant you just take it easy on that person, no matter WHO they are?

Clearly, you have been following my posts. Thats entirely up to you, but for me, if someone had been on the "receiving end" of an abusive message, which you seem to highlight I have done, I would stay the hell away from them. Not follow posts up.

Why cant you try and see the good, as well as the bad hmm? So bloody negative! And dont swing this back to me, as none of us are perfect. Perhaps you have unresolved issues too, well, clearly you do, else none of us would be here.

For example. I do enjoy laughing, and I love some of the videos on Youtube. I want to make others laugh as well, as I know how bad the pain can be, or how lonely it is. You obviously havent seen any of my humour posts. Or maybe you have, but you choose not to view, as you actively want to point out my flaws and have a little dig at me everytime you see a golden opportunity to. Like you have done here.

Do I care? No. I just wanted to make a few things clear. I aim to be kind to everyone on here, I would only say something if I thought it was really necessary.

Personally, I feel I have come on leaps and bounds, although the journey is still long. And I have made up with some people here. As you can see in earlier posts to this message, some have responded in an honest way, but at the same time have pointed out the good.

And to be honest, I think that is what makes a good posting. Sometimes, you do have to be told, yes. But dont continuously seek to point out a persons limitations.. because in the long run, I have found it has neither done myself, nor others any favours.

So, as much as you probably mean well (or at least I hope...), cut it out! We arent perfect on here, and I am sick of you going on about my bad points.

[Bizzy]

AndyL- I seriously find your posts hard to decipher.

They are both rude and negative. Why is it you NEVER have anything good to say about me whatsoever? Perhaps I wouldnt have responded in the way I have done if there was more kindness. Do I actually set out to hurt others on here, with what you describe as my "vulgarity"? I dont think so.

Secondly, how dare you accuse me of "blaming the world". That goes to show, as correctly as you state in your first paragraph, JUST how little you really know me. I havent made it easy for myself in many instances.. but then again, I didnt actively make my flatmates start smoking dope in the kitchen, my first boyfriend rape me, my parents split, did I?

I have seen many of your posts on here... so blunt and bitter. I think, God, why cant you just take it easy on that person, no matter WHO they are?

Clearly, you have been following my posts. Thats entirely up to you, but for me, if someone had been on the "receiving end" of an abusive message, which you seem to highlight I have done, I would stay the hell away from them. Not follow posts up.

Why cant you try and see the good, as well as the bad hmm? So bloody negative! And dont swing this back to me, as none of us are perfect. Perhaps you have unresolved issues too, well, clearly you do, else none of us would be here.

For example. I do enjoy laughing, and I love some of the videos on Youtube. I want to make others laugh as well, as I know how bad the pain can be, or how lonely it is. You obviously havent seen any of my humour posts. Or maybe you have, but you choose not to view, as you actively want to point out my flaws and have a little dig at me everytime you see a golden opportunity to. Like you have done here.

Do I care? No. I just wanted to make a few things clear. I aim to be kind to everyone on here, I would only say something if I thought it was really necessary.

Personally, I feel I have come on leaps and bounds, although the journey is still long. And I have made up with some people here. As you can see in earlier posts to this message, some have responded in an honest way, but at the same time have pointed out the good.

And to be honest, I think that is what makes a good posting. Sometimes, you do have to be told, yes. But dont continuously seek to point out a persons limitations.. because in the long run, I have found it has neither done myself, nor others any favours.

So, as much as you probably mean well (or at least I hope...), cut it out! We arent perfect on here, and I am sick of you going on about my bad points.

You are so caught up in yourself I think you need to re-read AndyL's post, it seems to have gone straight over your head. Lets begin with your forum name!

[aurorablues]

FML,

You remind me of myself when i was your age. I'm not trying to be condesending, just saying i relate somewhat.

I used to be so angry, angry at everything. Every little thing would send me off into a barrage of ranting. Things were so unfair because so and so said this and some people did that. The world was my enemy.

I came to realise after some time that this anger i had for the world and the people in it was actually anger at myself which i directed outwards with a facade of arrogant self importance, as a way of avoiding my own crippling feelings of gulit, shame, despair and lack of self worth and respect.

You have every right to get angry and have a vent about certain things, but you need to do so in a less destructive manner, rather then opening up a huge can of judgemental whoop ass on the person who may or may not have wronged you.

I don't think Andy is deliberately trying to be nasty to you, he's just pointed out some observations on how you present yourself on this site in the hope that you may see what others see. You do come across as very angry and aggressive at times on here, that's a fact, but you also have some incredibly good and supportive qualities about you.

Ask yourself why you get so angry when someone says something about you that you dislike. Is it because they are completely wrong, or is it because deep down inside you believe that what they said is true.

Let the person know what they have said has upset you and ask them why they said it. Perhaps they are angry too because you have done something that they have percieved as upsetting to them. It's better to talk rationally and calmly about these things with people then it is to blow your top and say things you are later going to regret.

Also ask yourself, are you putting yourself in certain situations, where you know someone is going to treat you badly as a way of proving how you actually feel about yourself, like a self fufilling prophecy?

Aurora :)

[Fuck-My-Life]

Thanks Aurora. Ultimately, I seek what 100% of people look for on here and thats happiness. I know I have upset people, but it really does mean alot to me when I think I have helped someone, particularly someone I have known for a while on here.

I dont like seeing people upset in general. I just want to help.

:)

[successful_workthru]

You are not aggressive, you are not poison.

We have all acted agressively, and poisonous in our lives, but that does not mean we are, because we are not our acts.

We are prone to acting like this when we feel hurt, and not necessarily to hurt the other person.

I dont know about the recent post you made on here, so cannot comment.

Oh and then he (guy I like and generally mention) said if I am not down anytime soon to see him, he will have to call it a day. Nice.

Is this the guy who texted you?

We tend to attract people who act like arses if we have un-healed wounds from our past. Plus, if our fathers behaved like an arse, then unconsciously, we attract partners who behave like arses.

We can also attract people who behave like arses if our fathers were emotionally not present when we were growing up, or if our fathers were not physically there enough or at all. This is because we have never had a positive father figure role model, so all we know is people who act like arses.

We can then feel like giving up on men, but really all is needed is for us to heal, because then we will attract positive partners into our lives.

Ignore those nasty texts, there is nothing you can do about it now. The senders of these messages are not worth the hassle.

Sorry you had to see these messages.

All you can do is what is within your control.

I am not commenting on how you treat peole cos I dont know, but I can say, so long as you know you are treating them in a respectful way you cannot go far wrong.

As for those who are bad to you, don't give them any attention, they are hurting you because of reasons of their own, and nothing to do with you personaly, no matter how personal the comments are.

When someone calls you aggressive, what they are really saying is this "I found your comment to be aggressive" You are not your comments, and you can always make respectful comments from now on in, and if someone makes a comment which you feel bad about, just tell them how you feel (this does not include the people who are blatantly behaving like arses, you do right to ignore them, dont feed them.

Like I say, we all say hurtful things in anger.

An example of my own is this, - When in hospital a couple of years ago, girl was watching telly and I was talking. The girl said shhhhhhhhhh. I went to make a cuppa, upset about this, and I went back to the girl and told her in an aggressive manner not to tell me to shhhhhh. Really, I should have said, I felt bad when you told me to shhhhhh, it felt aggresive, and she would have said, "I didnt mean to be aggressive, I was watching an important part of the programme i didnt want to miss" As it went though, luckily, she came back to me and said she felt rotten for telling me to shhhhhhhhh and I said there were no hared feeligs and we shook hands on it so to speak. As I reacted aggressively, though, I could have easily escalated the situation. I also could have said to her, I should have seen "You were obviously watching the program and I should have saved my talk for afterwards".

People are not good at giving constructive criticism when angry, but otherwise constructive criticism is very valuable, because it brings to our awareness thigs we could improve.

Anyways, I am currently dealing with some arse who got my number from his "friend".... I am so careful as to who I give my number out to, he is saying it was earlier this year. When I find this friend, I am gonna kill him!!! Fucking arse!!

This is how not to deal with it.

You could just say, I feel annoyed you got my number, and because I did not give it to you, I am blocking it, and don't be tempted to read texts from people you know you have blocked.

I don't know about other posts, but in this one, Andy was commenting on your user-name, which immediately tells us your life hurts. It dosent say that you want to heal it, which I am sure you do. The vulgarity part of it is the "F**k component of your username.

Feeling bad about nasty life experiences is one thing, but these nasty experiences are not your life.

While people want to help, they would rather know that you want to heal your life, rather than merely saying "f**k it". A name like "healing my life" also tells us that your life hurts, but it shows you have not given up on it, and want to improve it. People would be more willig to help someone who wants to help themselves.

This comment of yours

I aim to be kind to everyone on here, I would only say something if I thought it was really necessary.

and this

but it really does mean alot to me when I think I have helped someone, particularly someone I have known for a while on here.

I dont like seeing people upset in general. I just want to help.

shows that you are a good person, but understandably cos of the bad things that have happened in your life, you feel angry.

It would be good if you could continue with your healing by talking to someone about the bad things, and discharging the anger. I know some big things have happened to you, but it is possible to heal from them all with the right support.

I dont think anyone on here wants to hurt others, but we all have different ways of showing our anger. I have shown my anger in offensive ways to people and where I can, have tried to make amends and own my own feelings.

I really hope this post is helpful to you.

love sw x

[Fuck-My-Life]

Hey Sw, unfortunately I have run out of positives for today, else I would have given one!

Funny you mention the father thing.. I have heard that before. If I am being honest though, I wouldnt say he was a bad role model. We moved to Scotland after coming up for many years and he wanted us to have a good education. Its so difficult to say things without my familys input as well! My sister was a grade A student though, personally I felt I was treated indifferently to her. We had a tempestuous relationship, but as I said, not sure whether its anything to do with a "role model"

Perhaps being bullied at school hasnt helped, I dont know?

x

[aurorablues]

SW said it better then i could.

Psychologically speaking your anger is a manifestion of your inner pain, your repressed hurt and shame. When you are unable to deal with this pain and despair or have learned ways to avoid it, it manifests itself as something else, usually anger and self destructive behaviours. This in turn can be avoidence in itself, as whilst you are getting angry at external stimuli and getting caught up in self destructive behaviors, you are not dealing with the internal feelings that need to be dealt with. You need to find a way of dealing with this inner pain, learn where it comes from, why you are feeling this way and learn to cope with it in more healthy ways. The way i learnt, is through counselling and therapy. It is a long arduous jounrney of self discovery, and i'm still learning as i go. But don't let that put you off. It's worth it.

Does that make sense? I'm having a bit of a brain fog day today as am on some medications >.<

My cabs here, so i better be off.

Keep yourself safe.

Aurora :)

[successful_workthru]

Hey Sw, unfortunately I have run out of positives for today, else I would have given one!

Funny you mention the father thing.. I have heard that before. If I am being honest though, I wouldnt say he was a bad role model. We moved to Scotland after coming up for many years and he wanted us to have a good education. Its so difficult to say things without my familys input as well! My sister was a grade A student though, personally I felt I was treated indifferently to her. We had a tempestuous relationship, but as I said, not sure whether its anything to do with a "role model"

Perhaps being bullied at school hasnt helped, I dont know?

x

Your other posts mention great suffering in your life in not so many words.

Your father may be good, but he may not have been there for long enough, as you said your parents split up.

You also sound unhappy with the way you were treated indifferently to her.

Having a tempestuous relationship with a sister, plus school bullying can also cause deep wounds.

The positive is that you know you are doing your best.

You are reaching out for help on these forums.

Psychologically speaking your anger is a manifestion of your inner pain, your repressed hurt and shame. When you are unable to deal with this pain and despair or have learned ways to avoid it, it manifests itself as something else, usually anger and self destructive behaviours. This in turn can be avoidence in itself, as whilst you are getting angry at external stimuli and getting caught up in self destructive behaviors, you are not dealing with the internal feelings that need to be dealt with. You need to find a way of dealing with this inner pain, learn where it comes from, why you are feeling this way and learn to cope with it in more healthy ways.

The above, from Aurora is excellent advice.

Keep taking baby steps in the right direction.

love sw x