Obsessiveness

[SKyler1311]

Hi All,

I haven't been around for a while, so hope nobody minds that I'm posting tonight, but I could really do with some support, my mood swings have been stable/ish for about the last six months, but recently they have been back with a vengeance, I am diagnosed with BPD, I have never been diagnosed as having OCD, and don't believe that I have it, but I do suffer from really bad obsessive behavior, but nobody professional seems to think it's a problem, it's a problem to me because it drives me insane, I have recently become obsessed with a TV programme and in particular the main 2 characters/actors, this has been happening to me most of my life, with different people / TV programmes / celebrities / friends. To explain how extreme it is, this started about a month ago this time, and in that time my constant waking hours are filled with thoughts of this programme and these people, I have downloaded or purchased every programme that they have appeared in, I spend hours browsing the internet for snippets of information on them, and saving pictures of them to my hard drive, I type the same names in google around 10 to 20 times a day, even though it never brings up anything different, I constantly write fanfiction about these people and post it to the fanfiction website, I then become even more depressed if nobody reviews my work. I firmly believe that the only difference between me and a stalker is that I suffer from social phobia and do not like leaving the house, I am in a constant dream, at night I lie awake for hours, sometimes all night thinking of the same people, it is like nothing else exists, to make things worse I have been discharged from my pshychiatrist as they said I had been in there opinion "stable" for 6 months, and I cannot get an appointment with my GP, I am now waiting for the whole collection to come out on DVD to buy, it will cost around £85, and I have ot saved in my amazon basket already, despite the fact that I have every copy of the programme on downloaded DVD and saved in sky plus. Please don't tell me not to worry, that there is nothing wrong with this behaviour, it is consuming every minute of everyday, and it is tyring, but I don't know how to stop it, I have even been laying in bed crying because I know I will never get to meet them.

Sarah

[toocrazy]

awww don't cry

I get this too all the time, well I get it and then it passes (or I run out of shows to watch and replace it). I never watch anything twice so I move on to something else. Yours has definitely crossed the line.

The good thing here, that you must hold on to, is it hurts no one but you. This isn't even shameful. It is awful because it will end in loss, trigger loss and probably some other fallout stuff. If you have done it in the past then you know, it will happen.

It is a way to feel a part of something. It is a way to relieve loneliness. Being alone, even in your mind, not leaving the house is terribly draining. When the world is a scary place a human being has to find something to relieve it. It isn't a terrible thing to find until it begins to take too much control. I don't know if you have sky and a recorder but try to find something else to ease you away from it. When I am extra obsessed I find another thing to replace it and eventually I let it go. It makes the break easier and it does work. I'm not in as happy of a state, or full blown removed from reality but little by little I'm ok again. It is hard to explain to someone like it is hard to explain how deep my pain actually goes. I can't express it to anyone, even a therapist. There aren't words to express how much it hurts inside. Only a little mouse who watched me day in and day out would know.

I think if you tried right now while you wait for the DVD to come out, find something else to start fitting into your schedule. It won't feel as good as this fix but this fix is starting to turn on you. That is what happens to all things that are really artificial fixes...they stop working because they are in themselves artificial. I don't know how to fill that part of you inside that needs to be filled but you have to accept it has gone too far. It has turned the corner and now bringing a little more pain than comfort. Let it go slow and it will be ok. I think you can do this after having the courage to post it here. I feel your pain Skyler and don't let it get you down. It isn't that weird or horrible. You can walk out of this, I promise. Small steps, deep breaths

[SKyler1311]

Thank you for that reply, I agree with everything you have said, it is draining to be this wrapped up in something and that's what makes me so obsessed with something, and it frightens me to be like this, I wonder where it will end.