Hate Food, Eating And My Body - But Not Been Diagnosed With An Ed

[blackdagger82]

Hi

I am new to this forum so if I make any mistakes in etiquette or generally then i am sorry.

I haven't been diagnosied with an Eating Disorder by my Doctor but many of my friends and family are worried about me and the fact that I don't eat much.

I actually really hate the thought of eating, especially in front of people, I feel like if I eat then I am going to get really really fat and even more disgusting then I already am. I tried to explain this to my Dr but because I live in a non-english speaking country I think something gets lost in translation.

I have to weigh myself every morning and write it down along with everything I eat and the more that it is on the list the more disgusting i feel about myself. I don't vomit or binge or purge I just prefer not to eat. in the last two days I only had a banana and a single biscuit and i felt good, especially when i saw my weight had dropped to 52kg (around 8 stone, i am 5ft 7in)but I still feel that I need to lose more, to stop myself from being so unattractive.

It is easier that i live bymyself so no one knows if i don't eat, and at work i do a lot of duties at lunchtime so i can get away without eating. I am off owrk at the moment due to nervous exhaustion and depression. I am supposed to go back on tuesday but I don't know if i can - it petrifies me!

Blackdagger

[unlucky]

It does sound like you have a problem. Is there anyone that you can talk to about it that might be understanding without judging you? Coz it sounds like you're having a hard time also. Try not to worry about going back to the doctor, it could make all the difference, and you could be so much happier.

[blackdagger82]

I am going out with a friend tonight and i am going to try and talk to her, and see if she can come to the Dr with me as she speaks fluent french. Going to the Dr does scare me as in the past I have found that Dr's treated me like i was making it all up for attention. it is the same with the Depression and social anxiety. I will not even go into the staffroom at work unless i have tom and have panic attacks in staff meetings and briefings because i feel everyone staring and judging me as fat and ugly.

I have had issues with food for a long time where I always had to leave something on the plate even if i was still hungry but now I am just so disgusted with my body, especially when i eat.

I have been taking diet pills as well but telling people that they are nutritional suppliments to go with the other medication i am on.

I have dropped 8kg in the past 4 months but it still doesn't feel enough. Yet i am tired all the time and i know this is because i am not eating properly.

[blackdagger82]

I ate half the meal that I had with my friend at the weekend but have hardly eaten anything other then that all weekend and I still feel like I have eaten too much.

The only reason I have not gone out to get some laxatives to purge my system is that nothing was open and I couldn't get myself out of bed today. Another friend came over last night and found my food diary and we had a huge row about it. He was not only worried that I was keeping the diary but also the little that i was eating and the low weight.

I hate myself for eating what I have over the last few days. I am scared to go to the supermarket as I will buy food that I will then either allow to go mouldy or eat and then regret eating.

I hate my body, my weight and myself, but I can't describe this in any coherent way so that people understand, they just think that I am attention seeking or that I am being over daramatic.

[unlucky]

It's horrible I know. I kind of have similar problems but am overweight and it's so hard to just get people to even understand how bad it makes you feel, let alone get any help with it. But I am quite lucky because I can go to my CPN with these kinds of problems, I think I am going to have to bring up the issue with her again in fact.

Maybe you could just try and do some research, if that's the sort of thing you don't mind doing. I do it all the time you see. I like to find out as much as I can about these things. I think it might help you to read about other people's experiences and the sort of things that are symptoms and stuff like that, just so you know how other people explain their problems, then you might start to find it easier to describe? Or you might even find comfort in the fact that other people have gone through the same crap and managed to overcome it?

Or another thing, if you felt up to it, you could even try a self-help book? They are really difficult to stick to and stuff, especially with things like eating disorders, but it will get you started in the right direction. Something like 'Overcoming Anorexia Nervosa' by Dr Christopher Freeman is probably best suited to the kind of problems you are having.

Also, I don't think anyone who has never felt like this, and been through problems with eating, can ever really understand what it is like, so try not to expect friends and family to be too understanding, because they probably aren't going to be unfortunately.

It's really hard. And I don't think anyone really has any answers, or any guarantees.

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Unlucky

I find it hard as I don't fit into the Anorexia Nervous or the Bulemia DSM catagories.

I do eat but I hate my self for doing it. I feel disgusting for having done it as well as totally fat eventhough rationally I know at 53kg I am under weight for my height (5ft 7)

I feel that I have to weigh myself daily and list everything i eat. A friend came over on monday night and he found my food diary which led to a huge row, he left and I ended up crying in the wardrobe. He did come back and found me in the wardrobe and held me whilst I cried and tried to explain myself. It still came out wrong and I felt so stupid.

I have eaten today but feel totally sick now and want to vomit. :(

[blackdagger82]

Same friend from the other night took me to dinner last night in a really lovely resturant. He told me that I could have just a starter or whatever I wanted but I was going to eat something. I did. I had beef in a spicy lemon sauce with rice noodles. Ate about half. HE could see that I was uncomfortable and shaking so he held my had and just told me to eat what I could.

I felt really bad as it was an expensive meal and I hardly touched it, and this morning when I weighed myself I had but on weight (this is after I had been to the Dr and spent most of hte morning crying) I was so disgusted with myself that I took four of the laxatives in the cupboard (a side effect of my AD's is constipation - sorry wtmi) hoping that will bring my weight down. I brought a salad on the way home from the Dr's as well and the thought of eating it makes me feel sick now.

[EthanFoster]

I'm 36 years old... well out of the teen-angst phases of my life, but I have major problems with "normal" eating. Honestly, I can't say a have a particular eating disorder... I suffer from all of them. I have never been "underweight" per se... but I go through cycles of fasting, undereating, overeating, binging, and purging. I will go into months of extreme 2-3 hour workouts/day to doing nothing but laying around on the couch. My weight can easily fluctuate 50-75 pounds every year depending on the phases I'm in. I have been to counselors, I have been to nutritionalists (I know WHAT a healthy meal is, thats not the problem), I have been to doctors. I have been on medications, I have gone to group therapy, I have sought spiritual help. Nothing is working.

[pidgeypony]

Blackadder, I feel for you. I know I have an ED, but have not been diagnosed with anything (yet). I have lost weight over the last 20 months. Initially, slowly as it should be, around 2lb perweek. I have now reached 48Kg (7st5lb) froma colossoal 17st 7lb. Yet, because my BMI is in the 'healthy'range, the medics won't ackowlege any problems.

Keep seeking help, and keep chatting to us. I really hope you can find the help you need, and will recover.

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Dunkey

I have just repliedto your thread as well.

My Doctor has explain to me that he can't diagnose an ED is because although I have lost 8kg in 4 months, I still get my periods and I am in the healthy range of the BMI. Also I am quite tall and naturally slim so I don't look like I am underweight, even though I feel overweight in myself.

Last time I had depression I went down to 7.5 stone and I am not aimng for that but I remember when I started to feel better with my depression was when I was at that weight and I felt in control and vaguely attractive (not the fat heffer I feel like now)

I only had 2 pitta breads and humous today and 3 slices of pizza yesterday but it feels like so much that I took 4 laxatives and 5 diet pills. It doesn't hekp that I have picked up a throat infection that has swollen my glands up wich makes eating even more hard and rather painful.

It is so hard to explain to people as they understand anorexia and bulimia to a certain extent but when you don't fit into those catagories then it can't be an ED really, you are either making it up or attention seeking, especially if you admit to it in an attempt to get someone to help you.

[toocrazy]

bd,

After reading this thread I think you would benefit from reading on the subject. It is not about being at a normal weight or BMI. It is about the relationship with food and the self image. You take pills, laxatives and restrict. You feel fat but you are not fat. You hate food, eating, your body and hate your image. I think if you printed this thread and gave it to a dr they might understand. I don't know how to fix it but you are at a good point to stop. It is so hard to stop after years of the patterns. It hurts so much inside to be this uncomfortable with ones self.

:(

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Toocrazy,

I have thought about showing my Dr the posts that I have made both in this forum and another that I use, but I feel a bit silly going into the Dr and handing over a load of paper when I should be able to verbally articulate things better, I am a teacher for christsake.

I don't think I have ever been comfortable in my own body. Of Course there have been times that I have thought that I looked good on a night out, but I constantly worry about being over or underdressed, looking like a dogs dinner, being inappropriate, showing all the lumps and bumps that are in the wrong places and just basically showing physically how I feel inside. I have changed my hair colour so many times, cut my hair into 1001 different styles, tried different looks anything to make me feel good about myself but it never works. I still feel fat and unattractive and totally out of place.

I have always had issues with food for as long as I can remember, from having to leave something on the plate, to saying yes to food I didn't want and saying no to food I did. To now where I just don't want to eat at all especially in front of people as they will think I am some sort of pig.

I can put on a front, a mask that says I am coping but in reality i am screaming inside and no one is noticing.

[wonderful]

he say's he can't diagnose you with an ED because you haven't lost your period or have a BMI low enough? that is a pile of crap. You could be suffering from bulimia or EDNOS and still have a normal or even high BMI and still get your period. Having been anorexic for a good number of years now and having been to various different places for treatment of various different issues I can say that your Dr appars to be talking shit. Although, one thing I will say, depression is known for decreasing or increasing appetite, you should try to figure out how you are feeling when you restrict/binge. It could be that you don't have an ED but DO have disordered eating (yes there is a difference) and the feelings you're having could also be linked to the depression. Still I think you should aim to work on you issues with food, if you don't have an ED yet you could be heading towards one, and that's a road you really don't want to go down. I'd see about maybe getting a dietician.

Hope that helps

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Wonderful

I have an appointment with a psycholtherapsit on Tuesday for an assessment and will bring it up there.

I know that depression can affect appitie like you said and this maybe part of my depression but i am not sure as I hate my body and the way I look so much. I really feel fat and disgusting and so disgusted with myself for losing control and eating.

I wish i didn't feel this way, I can't even look in the mirror when i get out the shower as all i see are imperfections and reasons why i am so unattractive. I have even stopped swimming as i can't stand the sight of myself in a swimming costume.

I don't know if I have an ED or its Disordered Eating habits. Either way I still feel i should lose more weight if I want to feel good about myself.

[wonderful]

yeah, it does sound like it could be an ED, but they do say if caught early recovery is usually pretty quick and alot easier. the key is to be TOTALLY honest. I lied alot when first sent for treatment and i wish i didn't now, cuz if i didn't i might be alright now. I am getting better, but it's a slow and painful road i'm on.

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Wonderful

I saw a therapist today who said that I do have an eating disorder although she didn't specify what sort.

She is going to talk to a former collegue of hers to see what is avaliable treatment wise here as she is not sure whats about for adults. It maybe that I have to have inpatient treatment as I am SH as well. She did say that my keeping a food diary is not necessarily a bad thing as it can be used to help me, but weighing myself daily can cause more problems then helping.

I am terrified at the possibility of inpatient treatment but I know I need help.

[pidgeypony]

I am glad that you are now getting help. Inpatient treatment may be worrying, but you have accepted you may need it, and that it may be the best for you, so you are ready to go ahead. Whatever happens, I really wish you all the best, and that things turn out really well for you. Please keep us updated with your progress.

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Dunkey

I will keep you updated. I tried to be honest with the therapist and I told her about how eating makes me feel but I didn't mention the herbal diet pills i have been taking or herbal digestion pills either.

I know I need to mention it and stop taking them, but I am scared that I will start to put on weight if I don't take them.

[wonderful]

I'm so glad you've been to see someone and that they're looking into getting you help

I am an outpatient at an ED clinic I also SH but only occasionally. Although I'm not 100% I am much, much better than I was. I got to a point where I wouldn't eat food, but only drink. But now I CAN eat, it's fucking hard sometimes, but I can! They may not tell you what your ED is because they don't want to give it a label, they did that with me, I know my diagnosis now because I've seen some of my notes but they never actually told me.

As for diet pills, I don't think they really work. I used to take some diet pills. All they did was make my poop really weird... (sorry TMI).

Yes be totally honest and do what they say, and yes food diarys are really good to keep that way you can see what you're eating. I had to do one a few times and it's kind of shocking I think when you first see them. The quicker you really put into the therapy the quicker you will recover, and you'll have less chance of relapse when recovered the quicker you can do it. Go into recovery with your all. :)

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Wonderful

I know I need to give my all if I want to get better but its so hard admitting some of the stuff I have done and what I am doing to myself.

Feel so foolish, especially as part of my job is teaching about awareness of ED's, Mental Health, how and why its important to get help etc through the School PSHE programme which I am in charge of and write. Also I teach Psychology at A Level which includes the same stuff.

I'm such a hypocite! :angry: