AndyL Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 I did say I dont understand why anyone who is planning suicide would say yes as doesnt that defeat the object? Christine. Sometimes the object is a cry for help that comes with an inability to see the choices in front of us. By saying yes, one may be saying, I can't see any other way to stop this pain. Help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted May 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 When I was in my second year of high school, I wrote letters to myself. They said things like 'you're a bitch, you're parents hate u, doorstep girl, you're fat ugly and stupid'...I would 'plant' these letters in my schoolbag then 'find' them in front of my friend. This went on for a couple of months before I was hauled in to the head of years office. She was very nice to me but told me she knew it was me writing them to myself. I was horrified. I denied and denied and denied. It was weird, because it got round my form that it was me but noone was horrible to me. I was very bullied in school, followed home, kicked, hair pulled, called all the names under the sun - fat ugly , suck up...and i really was called doorstep girl...all those things in the letters i had been called. i just was calling them to myself. Why did I do it? Because my life was so utterly fucking shit. I couldn't tell ppl what was going on in the foster home. So I created another drama rather than telling the real thnigs that were going on. I was a very unhappy, lonely, depressed girl who had no parents and only had abuse to go back to. What did the head of year do? She called my foster mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 (((toaster))) Sounds like lying was a survival technique, bit like self harm, well actually probably was self harm of a kind. totally understandable, so sorry you went through such s**t. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted May 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 the weird thing is...when i 'found' the letters, i almost believed that it was someone else putting them there. i totally got into the part ((((((((christine)))))))) ty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 I used to lie quite a bit when I was a kid mostly I feigned illness and I think deep down it was because i wanted people to care for me, if I was sick teachers would be more soft and forgiving you'd get to go to the nurses office and lie down in a blankie and stuff. Also used to make up wild stories once told everone my brother had a broken arm which he didn't. Often my stories were really freaky so much so I got hauled into the heads office and reprimanded because i'd scared too many kids and they didn't want to come to school. For me my stories were my weapon I spent most of my time being kicked and punched before then, also a time went on I couldn't distinguish between what was a story and what was real the more bad stuff happened the more reality and fantasy became one thing. My lies today mostly surround my drinking and self-destructive behaviour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyL Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Sounds like a survival mechanism to me, too. This goes beyond normal kids stuff to just getting through the day halfway intact emotionally, and physically from the sound of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted May 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 i love everyones honesty one here does it feel good to get it out? i know it does for me so thank you everyone i would also put slings on my arm an say i had had an accident or something sorry i am reading everyone elses replies, is just making me want to say everything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlevic Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 when I was a child I was a compulsive liar, I used to lie that I had stuff that I didn't have, had been places that I had not, had a car when we didn't, it was really transparent and I did it so that I would fit in and not be the poor kid but it backfired badly. As I got older I continued to lie, well not lie as such but massively exaggerate about minor successes, now I know because I have the defectiveness life trap and I felt inferior to everybody, so I would over do the look at me I am so brilliant routine to make up for what I thought I was lacking. I created a fantasy me that everybody liked and tended to have very transient friendships because I was scared that as people got to know the real me they would see how bad and horrible I was and reject me. I have also recognised that as one of me became tarnished I would rename myself and it was like starting again. Bizarre really but my parents christened me Victoria, when I went to school as I was Vicky, then Vikki, then more recently Vic, all different incarnations of the same person and I feel relieved when I start using another variation of the same name - I apply for new jobs using Victoria. There are so many ways to lie to others and to lie to yourself. There are also many ways in which the word 'lie' can be interpreted. I still get the urge to lie now, big whoppers sometimes for attention, sometimes to deflect other people from getting to know me, there's always a reason. Now I shut my mouth, I say nothing. I don't know if I will ever stop lying but that's the same as saying I don't know if I will be blessed with a cure or a complete disappearance of the illness and the symptoms. I try not to judge myself too harshly even though past lies make me cringe with shame and blush even to this day. I look more at the logic behind it, flawed though it may be and until it develops, it's logic nonetheless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlasticInsanity Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 toaster, the fact that you're able to look back on your past actions (lying) and know that you've moved forward shows great strength and courage. You were able to understand that what you were doing was wrong, and make changes for the better. I just wanted to say that. I tell small lies, or I'll lie about how I'm feeling because I don't want to talk about it while I'm still feeling that way. I can tell someone after the fact that I was crying because I was depressed, but I can't talk about while I'm still feeling depressed; it's weird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted May 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Hakuna Matata, thank you so much for your brave honesty i know that feeling, that 'cringe' you get - you remember the lie and you want to shake it away. I've hit my head sometimes with the shame I get. I think the only way for us to move forward from this behaviour is to speak honestly about it. Then when we feel that urge, we are more likely to think again. ((((((((hakuna matata)))))))) I have respect for you I think the lies we tell about how we are feeling are ok. I often say I am ok...I have learnt that if I pretend I am ok then it can lead to really feeling ok because people feel ok to act ok around you! When I say I feel shit people tip-toe around me. But it is also ok to say you are not ok! ok...im taking the dog out...I will come back later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Toaster, you have probably read some of my earlier posts and for myself I decided sometime ago that I value honesty above all. The reason is my Ex was such a pathological liar that I myself couldn't handle it anymore. She may think she has changed but this week I looked after my kids on Saturday and was told by her she was goign to Liverpool, I text her on the morning even saying have a good time there and see her later. My son quickly told me she was going to Preston to see her new jailed husband. I wonder if its only me that she has to do this with, I knew she couldn't make it back in time for me to catch the evening bus, and she even rang me to say her train had been cancelled and her dad was coming around. When her dad came around I said it was odd that trains from Liverpool are more regular and he just said the one she wanted was cancelled. It twists my head up because I really think now that her lies are necessary and its me that has the problem. And I cannot be funny with her for the sake of the kids. On another note being honest all the time is really difficult it takes work to be truthful all the time. Its weird but for me it is worth it. Just wanted to share that with you toastie. Hugs Jamie xxx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllyJayde Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Toaster. I also lied about a miscarriage for similar reason. As a teenager my mother always told me k was lying when I wasn't so k wound up lying anyway seeing as my mum never believed me. I couldn't validate my fear of losing my boyfriend st this point and like you at first I thought I was pregnant. I'm so ashamed. I think I've improved on this but I'm still carrying the guilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 thank u for that allyjade i too feel very ashamed of my past behaviour. and like u i was always called a liar when i wasnt. its odd isnt it - we hate the thought of people thinking we are lying but then we do it. self fullfilling im going to see my social worker/therapist later - i am going to talk about this she is great though and never judges me, in fact she commends me on my honesty. i will be free of the curse that is me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllyJayde Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Wow toaster, I have a hell of a lot of respect for you for admitting in the first place, I don't think without hearing your story I would have had the confidence. I don't think you're bad and its great you're gonna talk to someone. I'm scared to but we will see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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