mike_m Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 I'm so anxious that I think I'm going to have a panic attack - and all I'm doing is sat browsing this site and Facebook too. Why?! Why do I have to feel like this? I'm so scared. I feel like something terrible is going to happen. It's like waiting for a death sentence. I hate being on my own. My mind runs away with me. Sick of paranoia and anxiety. Last night my girlfriend said she thinks I have something to hide because "John off Corrie had a mental breakdown because he killed those people." I tried to explain that's not really how anxiety and depression works but now I'm scared stiff she thinks I'm a murderer or something. She's so cruel without meaning to be. She doesn't realise how that one remark has affected me. It's made me feel like if I'm depressed and anxious then I've done something wrong. So now I feel like I have to hide it. I'm scared that my paranoia will create scenarios in my head now too. Please, please somebody help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 well your gf doesnt seem very 'clued up' on mh. maybe you could give her some sort of booklet to read or give her a website addy, anything to give her abit more knowledge and understanding. then if she still makes nasty remarks like that... maybe you should think carefully about how good this relationship is for YOU. you have to put you first right now, as you arnt in a great place, and comments like that are anything but helpful!!! when you tried to explain things to her, what happened? some people, unfortunately, will never understand mh hopefully she can learn to support you more :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Thank you for your reply Purpley Dudette ((()))) I don't want to use the word 'simple', but she's very black and white in her thinking. She is of the opinion that if someone is down, then there is a reason so when she first thought I was ill, she was adamant there must be a reason I'm like this. We've had massive rows over the last few days because we're having a lot of housework done and we're both stressed, but she doesn't really think about what she's saying. A couple of days ago she said something along the lines of "What are you going to do? Say you're going to commit suicide?" She's also accused me of cheating numerous times, something which I wouldn't (or couldn't) do. I'd feel far too guilty and it'd send me over the edge. I know people say things in the heat of the moment, but that was like waving drugs at a recovering addict. It's hit me hard. But the thing is, I have nobody apart from her. And since she works every day and I'm a student who has broken up for the year, I'm constantly sat here on my own with my own delusion. I've looked online for something that I can show her, but I've not found anything that will point it out in the way that she will understand. I just want to do something to release this pent-up pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
younenme Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Your girlfriend needs to educate herself about depression and anxiety. As Purpley said, YOU go first, you need to think if this relationship is good for you. It's not really nice to tell your bf "I think you're gonna murder someone". Some people will just not even try to understand cause they think they know everything better. Try doing something that requires a lot of concentration or a lot of tricky movements(knitting, sueing, build a card house, build a house out of matches), something difficult possibly. Try to focus really hard as possible on this activity. I do this when I'm having a anxious breakdown and sitting in a corner scared, it works, get's your mind off and when you're done with your card house you notice being fine. I guess your hands shake quite badly so you might not get anything built, keep trying, think "Gotta keep hand still" and do it, continue till you get something done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 i hate the way that anx builds up - like yuo are worried about 1 little thing and then off goes your head finding other things to worry about until it all goes BOOM ! have you tried any relaxation techniques at all - maybe listen to relaxation CDs or do breathing exercises or watch relaxing utube vids, or even, if you are that way inclined, meditation stuff - not everyone's cuppa i know but that stuff has really helped me with my anxiety... kinda helps to break the flow before it all spirals out of control, which is sadly what anx tends to do i agree with purpley - can you help your gf with understanding - there are some good leaflets you can d/l from mind or rethink that help family of sufferers... maybe that will help... but keep posting here - cos we do understand... hope the anx calms for you soon xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 well i can have a look for you if you like what is your official diagnosis? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Thanks for all the replies. younen, you're right although I'm really struggling for motivation! I'm hopefully dragging myself out to uni today to hand in the last of my work, so will try and meet up with someone for a few games of pool. Villan, relaxation CDs etc seem to do the exact opposite. Nothing at the minute can stop me feeling like this, but when something is quiet, it lets my mind wander. It's okay on a night when I'm in bed, but during the day the only thing that works is keeping as busy as possible, but that's hard to do right now. Purpley, I don't think I have an official diagnosis. My last episode was a couple of years ago and they put me on anti-depressants for six months but then said it was just stress. About 8/9 weeks ago I was prescribed Sertraline but haven't been told what is wrong with per se. I'm depressed with anxiety, and I'm not sure if the paranoia ties in with that at all, but I'd love it if you could please help me? Thanks again everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 ok i'll see what i can find, and post it on this thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 i know purpley is gonna go find you some stuff, but i thought i'd pop this here for you in the mean time... There is a link half way down this one to the dep booklet as well as links to other ones... http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/anxiety and here is link to Rethink's publications http://www.mentalhealthshop.org/factsheets_az.html maybe something there can help you explain stuff to yuor gf... or you can maybe cherry pick some and cut&paste into yuor own word doc if that is better for yuo... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Thank you, Villan. I'm just about to head out, although I feel absolutely terrified. I hate this so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unlucky Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 I read your title as sat here sh*gg*ng myself! Needless to sat I was very confused! I hope you are feeling better now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Thank you, Villan. I'm just about to head out, although I feel absolutely terrified. I hate this so much. do you use an MP3 player when yuo go out - they are helpful... hope your day has gotten better - even if just a lil bit... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 I've had the worst day ever. I emailed some work from my hotmail to my uni account so I could print it off, and it bounced back saying my IP address had been blacklisted for spamming. It sent me into panic mode and I've spent the rest of the afternoon terrified and paranoid that someone has been hacking into my connection or something and spamming who knows what. Turns out I just needed to reset my modem. Thanks for the links, and the advice Villan! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 have you spoken to anyone like a therapist about your anx (sorry if you posted about this already) cos another thing that helped me was trying to break the catastrophising of thoughts like where you described above where you immediately go for the worst case scenario rather than maybe a simple lil thing that is easily sorted... maybe stuff like CBT could help you... you can do it online or from books if you dont wanna go to a t again sorry if not relevent or helpful, just had a thought to mention it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleflower Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Heya Mike, most people seemed to have summed up well the advice I'd give you. It sounds to me as if you're suffering from anxiety, I'm not qualified doctor so you're best bet is to bite the bullet and make an appointment with your gp to get an official diagnosis. You're not alone, I'm also a sufferer of anxiety. The feelings of impending doom are terrifying, but in time you can train your thoughts to rationalize so you realize the thoughts of terror and doom are completely irrational and illogical. As for your gf, try sitting down with her and calming explaining how your feeling and your appointment with the doctor, if she's understanding she'll stick around and stick by you, and try her hardest to understand and support you. If she aggravates your condition you may need to re-evaluate your relationship. I'm not saying break-up with her I'm just saying keep the positive people close and keep the negative ones who make you feel down far away. Regardless, I'm here to listen if you ever need it, as a fellow uni goer and anxiety sufferer I can identify with you on some small basis. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 How has today been ? Any better ? Hope so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 Unfortunately not. I'm having a terrible few days. I get better on a night but mornings and afternoons are an absolute killer. I feel physically sick and I'm shaking with fear. My mind is filled with paranoid, irrational fears and I can't shift them. I'm scared, I don't know what to do. I don't want to write this really, but I feel like sleeping forever. At least when I'm asleep I can escape. I've never, ever self-harmed but it feels like it'd be a release. I feel as though the physical pain would give me a release from the mental torture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 im sorry i never came back to this thread, but i was in crisis i see that villan has given you some links have you looked at them yet and thought about showing your gf? if you need any more let me know and i'll be pleased to help... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 I emailed some stuff to her but she hasn't read it yet. Guys, I really don't know what to do. I think I'm having a breakdown right now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 I've had a good sob and panic, and seem to be okay for now. I'm extremely thankful I have this website and you all for support, but am also really unhappy that I have to do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 yeh thats the thing with a breakdown... people seem to think it just lasts a few hours and then its over! the truth is breakdowns can last for ages, yeh you dont cry or have panic attacks constantly, but that dont mean your not still in crisis! i saw my cpn this morning and she said i seem to be doing alot better... and i said - yeh, right this second, but not generally!! its like if your not crying, or doing sh, or shaking with anxiety, then your fine just cos you are not crying right this min, you are clearly still in pain, and you need help and support. what professional help do you get?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 I'm on 50mg Sertraline and I'm seeing a uni councillor on Wednesday. I've an appt with the NHS MH team tomorrow too, but I'm going to have to cancel. I just feel numb right now. I'm led on the bed (where I've been for most of the week), and I'm tired and have a huge headache. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 why are you going to cancel with the mh team??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_m Posted May 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 I've got a meeting that could be promising for my career, and I can't really miss it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 ok, but surely your main proirity is getting better right now? if you are in crisis, you need to be putting your health first right now i would strongly advise you not to cancel it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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