piuma Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 You wake up in the morning and the first thing you think about is food, it It takes over, you cant think of anything else. You eat something 'normal' and it doesn't even begin to touch the hunger in your brain, you keep yourself busy, but they keep pushing back into your mind. So you start fantasising about the time you will be alone, where you can eat and eat and eat. You think no, push it away, carry on with your everyday things. But its there in the back ground, I cannot wait to be alone, just so I can fill my fat face with as much food as possible. You have it all planned, you know how it costs, where to buy it, exactly how you prepare it, how it will taste how it will feel, the rush............... This is something I have been struggling with since I was 8 20 fucking years!!!! I always give in to my urges, its how I have ended up so big. I have just started slimming world for the 4th time. I never go past the first couple of weeks, because my i end up eating my on plan food and binging and gain even more weight, rather than restricting and binging. This time, I am two days in, the urge to binge is most definitely here, it is very depressing, and so hard work and a little tiring. Betty is at work, and I have the perfect opportunity to go ahead and binge. only I would then have to lie and pretend it didn't happen, or I could do it and tell betty but feel incredibly disappointed in myself. Tonight, I have to make some dinner for us, and get dinner ready for college tomorrow! I will not be binging. Everytime I do not binge and get past the moment, I feel relived but I am feeling, so weary of the fact that, it wont take long before the feeling is back and once again I have to reach inside myself and hope I am strong enough. I suppose in reality, I am to accept the fact that 20 years of binging will take a while to undo. FUCKING ED!!! I dont wanna be like this anymore, and I dont wanna be fat anymore. I want to be able to walk down the street and not be noticed, or if I am noticed its because they may actually like me or something else like, nice clothes or nice hair or fucking anything but my weight! I have never really acknowledged that I cannot stop the thoughts of binging coming, but I can change my response to them. Maybe this is the beginning of managing my ED, I dont know. Anyone understand? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 totally understand hun (((((((((((((((((((((((((((pie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) FOOD IS MY LIFE!!! im always thinking about it! whether its to completely binge out, or whether to barely eat at all (i swing both ways) its like tonight, there is really nothing i fancy eating, or bingeing on, so i thought, oh it wont hurt to skip a meal, but now i cant stop thinking about all the lovely food iv just bought!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna eat all of it tonight!!!! i hate that my tummy is poorly atm, cos i can only binge a weany bit, then i feel so sick and full up, but without the satisfaction!!! oh and welldone on the slimming world, iv never even managed to make it there in the first place!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 * Super fruzzles * I understand so much!!! I am proud of you for starting to do something about it and not giving into your urges to binge!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted May 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 ty guys, good to know im understood xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 pie has given me permission to say this - i want u all to know cuz we all shud be well fuckin proud of her! over the months i have known pie we have spoke about EDs - we both suffer on either end of the spectrum but there are some similarities between us. we have an understanding. pie would get very angry and upset with herself and the ED - and the only way she could see a way out of this was for the ED to 'go'. For it not to be there any more. when i would ask her what will happen if it doesnt go and she just has to change her response to it, she couldnt/wouldnt accept this. we had some disagreements over this type of thinking! she had also mentioned that she would rather kill herself rather than have to 'manage' the ED. so to read 'I have never really acknowledged that I cannot stop the thoughts of binging coming, but I can change my response to them' is FUCKING AMAZING. i'm not always right, but i knew i was onto something when i spoke of 'management of symptoms' rather than wishing the symptoms away baby i am very proud of you and am SO HAPPY you have come to this point. it's far from fucking easy to accept this type of stuff - to accept you may always struggle but to know you do have some control - u can control how u respond to the thoughts. and this tells me u have hope and that you AREN'T gonna top urself ((((((((baby)))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted May 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 fankoooooo baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 well done pie n well done toasty bits! when i want 2 binge i found i stop and say what do i really crave n its fullness 2 a whole in me thats not my stomach or my mouth and how do i fill that whole but u can't do anything about that unlesss u take the first real step that u just did pie! it can be a compulsion but u need 2 shift the focus from food to ur emtional needs then realize u r beauty waiting 2 be released inside n out. it's a journey but well worth it. :wub: :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted May 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 Thankyou jades hunny. Yes I am realising, and things seem to be going in at the moment. I appreciate peoples feed back, I think it helps clarify stuffs. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 sounds like the fogs clearing glad u can see better xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted May 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 and then some does, it just hurts, and i dont know what to do with those emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 purge them in written for or verbally keeps me from purging xxxx try a journal n just start writting till it comes out everyday xxx tbh i got kicked out of baltimore ed hossy for calling the psych a very nasty name infront of everyone when accused of drinking which i wasnt n had to figure my way thru myself xxx cheeky cow i am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unlucky Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 This is me all over. Social worker has just told me that I need to write everything down, everything about my binge eating and take it to my phychiatrist in a few weeks. Because she thinks I need an eating disorders referral. It is so hard writing it all down, because I am so disgusted with and ashamed of myself. I am terrified of what he is going to think of me. And an eating disorder? I'm not even thin. I'm obese. I don't want an eating disorders referral. But I don't think I can even continue living with this until the psych appointment, let alone any longer. I'm thinking, maybe you should try and do the same? You kind of already have on here, but maybe you need to take it to your GP and ask what they can do to help. I can't carry on like this, and you sholdn't have to either. I don't know what the answer is. But I hope we both find it. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted May 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Hi, I am already doing this work with my social worker, and she is referring me to the ed team. They have said if this slimming world thing doesn't work, I can have a gastric band, which is great, but, I kinda wanna tackle thus myself, dunno, x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Hi there I know when someone else talks about how they overcame something, it can feel preachy. It can feel like "thats you, I am not you" and just be more depressing. So this is just me talking about something that helped me, which may or may not be useful. I had an addiction to sex which was extremely complusive. The more stressed I felt, the more I had to indulge in it. It was just a feeling that would take me over - like my body would just feel aroused. That sense of arousal made me want the climax even more, like a foretaste of how good it would be. Its the same with any addiction - there is the foretaste, the anticipation of how good it will feel, and often this comes up after some time of feeling bad. "I've had a shit day, why not just do it?" - whether its gambling, drinking, drugs, eating, sex or whatever. People talk about how they 'have to' do something, of it feeling like they do not have a choice. The reason for this is because it is usually very painful, perhaps even frightening, to deny yourself the thing you are craving. Quite literally on a bodily level, you experience physical pain if you deny yourself that thing. The urges, the anticipation, comes in waves. It might start to become flashes of anger or frustration, and you end up in a fight with it. "Why shouldnt I?" "You cant" "Screw you I will do what I like, and I always give in anyway, whats the point?". You end up driven by the pain of self-denial, that physical hurt of denying your body that rush of pleasure. I dont need to tell you about mindfulness as I know you guys know it inside out, but it was applying that mindfulness to the pain of denial that helped me break my own addictive cycle. I recognised that my addiction was my way of dealing with stress, so first I asked myself what I was stressed about. I gave myself the chance to talk about that to myself or someone else. Sometimes that distracted me long enough that the urge subsided. But if not, then it was the old distress tolerance applied to the pain of denial - sitting there and letting the waves of anger, frustration and discomfort just come and be, and tolerating that for as long as I could. Doing this repeatedly helped me to feel that I could survive not doing it, and much of that sense of "having no choice" went away. The urge still comes up, but I know I can win with it. So one way of tackling it would be to not buy snacks and things, or to limit treats or nice things. Plan portions and all that good stuff, but accept that this pain is going to arise, and rather than having that "will / wont" fight, you just be with the pain of denial. I dont know if it will help, or how long it will take, but for me the constant application of that approach has helped with both sex related things as well as food. The barrier to progress is the amount of discomfort it creates, so it may be a case of slowly exposing yourself to it. Just what helped me, know it may not be appropriate for everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Just to add a little bit more, it also helped me to attend to any negative feelings or sensations that came up with it. Often when you get the urge to do the addictive thing, its like the mind is saying "THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME". Often though there are aspects of whatever it is you are doing that feel bad - so if its eating, maybe as you eat you notice that the pleasure isnt quite as intense as you imagined. Maybe its the sense of shame afterwards. Maybe it makes you nauseous. Try to find and experience as many felt unpleasant aspects of indulging as possible, and when the urge comes up try to recall the unpleasant sensations. That also adds a little bit of motivation All sounds a bit of a dirge, but it does seem to help - and then you feel good that you feel more in control of it which is another reinforcer. It doesnt totally go away, but it doesnt feel like this bully you have to give into. If you have slip-ups, its just par for the course, like water eroding away a river bank. Each pass cuts a bit deeper, even if each one doesnt go that far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted May 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Hey thanks for your reply hummm, this is something my sw has been working with me on, sitting with the feelings, reminding myself of the negative consequences, we even did a visual thing, where we drew the negatives, like me being crippled, no job, depressed etc. It did help for a while, but i guess you have to keep going back to it. I have joined slimming world and you can eat alot on that, but the last two days, i have slipped up and its mostly because the binge type food was in the house. So I guess the logical thing to do would be to not have it in the house. When I am feeling motivated that would be enough, I would resort to something else. How ever, when i am determined to binge, nothing will stop it, no matter if the food is not in the house, i will go get it. It worries me, cos in the summer I will be living alone for two months. I am terrified that I will give in to the binge urges. But on the flipside, the fact that the last two days have thrown me off plan, i feel terrible, so maybe this realisation will sink in.....maybe i wont dunno..... it would be so easy for me to go an have the operation, but, it wont stop my thoughts, and I have seen patients stretch their bands and end up fat again, so I dont think really it would help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Hiya What types of mindfulness have you explored? Some therapists focus on mindfulness of thoughts and maybe the 'big' feelings - but it can be really useful to meditate fully on the body and on sensations as well, not just full emotions. A good way of learning to be with pain is to do a sitting meditation and wait for an itch, or a cramp, then to sit there without trying to do anything about it. You watch your body's reaction, the compulsion to act on the pain. Doing that might inform you about your reaction to the impulse to binge and the pain that comes up when you dont. Most people when they do this want to shift or scratch, and it will literally feel like a compulsion - like the urge to binge, it feels like you have to. Sitting with your eyes closed and letting that compulsion fill your awareness can make you see it in a new way, and might transfer to the feelings you get when you want to binge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Just had a think about this and realised I am being Mr Advice Giver when maybe a bit of understanding and TLC was wanted Know you prolly have a small mountain of advice already! Think its awesome you are working on this, does sound like a mssively hard thing to be going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted May 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 humm, you advice is exactly what i was looking for, thankyou for replying. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 humm, you advice is exactly what i was looking for, thankyou for replying. xxxx Thats good, I will stop being a worry-plonker now :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 your doin so well pie.. and it sounds like you have lots of support which is great. sending you hugs xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 tell u what hmm had a point there n i'll tell u i had besperate late night runs to the shop for bulimia so i stopped keeping binge foods in he house that was kinda working but i'd still break down n run to shop i took all the food i bought one day n threw salt n water all over it n screamed at it so i couln't eat it another time ithrew it out the back door into the trees another down the loo hehe no wonder my neighbors hid from me lol but i had to get angry not at myself at what was controlling me if it makes sense n then i started learning fiber filled foods were good for mr and filled me up so i satisfied myself with a bit of penut butter on whole grain bread maybe this will help u a little psycho but whatever works right!? xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unlucky Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 I read somewhere years ago that Sharon Osbourne had a gastric band even though she was bulimic and it helped her lose the weight but she said it didn't stop the binges, she just couln't eat as much before throwing up, so she ended up eating and throwing up again and again. I think it ended up that it was starting to stretch her stomach again. I can't remember where I read this and I have looked for it again a few times but never found it, but it does sound like it could happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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