Why Do I Do It?

[blackdagger82]

I know that there is something wrong with me although the Dr hasn't diagnosed anything (I don't fit into the bulimia or anarexia criteria and still get my periods).

I go to the supermarket regualrly and have cupboards full of food and still buy more, I don't want to eat it and generally don't but when I do I feel sickened with my self and disgusted that I gave in to the urge to eat.

Today I had scrambled egg with bacon ans cheese on toast and some chips and totally hated myself afterwards, so much so that I took four laxatives to purge my system. I almost wish I could be sick but I have no gag reflex.

I hate it when I eat, I hate how I feel about my body, no matter how much weight I lose I never lose enough. I am currently at 52.7 kilos at 5ft7 and think I look fat and have lumps and bumps in all the wrong places. Nothing I wear looks good on me, it all just makes me look worse.

I don't understand why I eat when it makes me feel so disgusting, I don't understand why I go and buy food in the supermarket when I don't want to eat it. Today I made a load of cakes and they will likely go in the bin as I won't eat any of them.

Can someone please explain this to me before I lose my mind.

[Benway]

Hi, your weight is 'less than 2nd percentile' -meaning for your height , if they got 100 women all 5' 7" and lined them up by weight, you would be in the first 2.

Also your bmi comes up as 'underweight' .so you are clearly not fat -in reality.

Have you ever heard of / been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder?

[blackdagger82]

I have heard of Body Dysmorphic disorder Badkitteh but I thought it is was more that like people who had exsessive plastic surgery to change the way they looked?

I really don't feel underweight at all, I feel, on a good day average or could lose a little bit, on a bad day I feel like an obese hippo.

[bellaboo]

I feel the same bitkitten sorry your struggling not very helpful sorry but i sympothise with you. Wish i had the answer

[bellaboo]

Sorry meant balckdaggerx

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Bellaboo

it is good to know that I am not the only person feeling like this. It is so frustrating. I ended up scratching up my arm last night trying to relieve the frustration - it didn't work though.

I weighed myself this morning and I had gone up a little and felt so completly disgusted by it.

Thing is I can't make anyone around me understand how I feel or what is going on with my relationship with food without them thinking that I am making it up.

[blackdagger82]

URGGGGGG!!!!

I managed to get through the first day back at work. Didn't get forced to the Staffroom at lunch but then didn't eat the lunch i took with me either.

I decided that as the weather is nice that getting salad things in and taking them to work might be a better idea as it is light and I might not feel so disgusting after eating it. Seems not to be the case. I just had a ceasar salad without dressing and still feel disgusted with my self and want to purge my system.

The anxiety of going back to work made me scratch up my arms horribly last night so much so that I drew blood. Now I want to scratch and cut myself again, purge my system by taking laxatives or vomiting, anything make myself clean (if that makes sense).

I feel like I am dealing with the anxiety, depression, insomnia etc better (which is propably the drugs I am taking) but the eating problem is really starting to get me.

[canadianbumble]

What really spoke to me in your post was the line where you said " anything make myself clean (if that makes sense). " For me this a big thing to be clean, empty and somehow pure. Everytime I put something in my body there's a little voice that goes " That's disgusting, pollution. Get it out. It's sickening" When I have eaten, there's the panic of how long til it's burnt off and how quickly can I get it out of my system. I haven't used laxative for a long while now but purge quite a lot. Also the purging feels very euphoric to me because I feel myself becoming clean again . It 's as if all the panic and sadness is in the food and getting rid of the food temporarily leaves me calm. Also no matter how little I eat I always end up thinking now could I or should I have eaten less? Am like that today because I weighed myself and I seem to have gained a bit of weight again despite restricting now trying to devise a foolproof method for losing. :(

[blackdagger82]

Canadianbumble what you have said explains exactly how I feel just a lot more articulatly.

I have been taking herbal diet pills for months now and they help but.........

I really hate this. I feel so crappy all the time.

[Benway]

Hi (blackdagger)

I'm sorry if i came accross as snotty in the earlier post. I guess i was feelin a bit pissed of about my weight.

I guess BDD could be those ppl who have excessive surgeries to 'correct' faults they think they may have.

I have never been dx'd with it or anything.

But i get the torture that is ED's. What bumble said about being / feeling 'pure' could relate to that. There is an add on the tv atm for some bottled water - the slogan - 'purer than you' .

Anxiety is a bitch, sorry you've been getting that as well. Take care of yourself, xx am

[blackdagger82]

You did not come across as snotty at all bedketteh

I have been doing some reading on BDD (I have to teach about it next year :/) and you are right that it is not just about excessive plastic surgery but people who are preoccupied by a percieved fault in thier apperence (http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/mental_health/disorders_bodydysmorphia1.shtml)

I am not sure I fit into this either other then the excessive dieting. I should exercise more butthe only thing i used to enjoy was swimming but the idea of going ot the pool and putting on my swimmimg costume frightens me. People looking at me in something so tight, especially with my arms all scratched up. For all i know they could be talking about me and I would't know as I don't speak french, german or luxembourgish (paranoid much).

Anxiety is a total bitch, it just seems everything is frightening me these days.

[pidgeypony]

I feel exactly the same. I feel so disgusted that I gave in and ate. I am fat, I know I am fat, my belly sticks out miles. I lost 9 stone, but it is not enough.

I just wish I was not so weak and feeble and give in. I have to make bread and cakes for my husband, which annoys me, as if the food is not there,I couldn't eat it. I go shopping and buy things, telling myself I will/can restrict myself to a mouthful or two. In reality, I can't.

I wish I could help you understand all this, but clearly I don't understand it either.

[blackdagger82]

(((((Dunky))))))

In a way it makes me feel better to know I am not the only one who feels this way.

I love to bake and cook but live by myself so end up taking it into work (when I am working). I have got a load of raisins soaking in Rum at the moment to make a Rum and Raisin cake tomorrow for a picnic as well as an angel cake, but I won't eat anything I take to picnic.

I also end up buying sweets and things that I thnk I can have a little bit, but then feel horrid afterwards. I really just shouldn't buy them.

Another thing is that I get 150 euros a month in food vouchers as part of my wages. I cannot spend that each month! I never eat that much! would rather have the cash.

[pidgeypony]

Can you ask them to pay you rather than food vouchers, or maybe clothes vouchers or something instead?

With me I would spend the food vouchers just because they are part of my wages and I wouldn't want to waste them!

[blackdagger82]

They are a tax thing Dunkey so can't ask for the money instead or other types of vouchers.

I do spend them as you can also use them in bars to pay for drinks etc, but usually have a huge pile of them but when I do spend them the change is always in cash which is good.