Torn

[x-Bliss-x]

Sorry this is a long post but I really need some advice and support.

Over the last week or so I've been doing everything in my power to lose weight. Restricting, purging daily and exercising. But tonight something inside just clicked. Like a light switch being turned on. In 3 months time (September) I am supposed to be playing a huge role in my best friends wedding. I'm a bridesmaid. Which means I will be expected to help organising it in the run up. It's a real honour as I'm the only friend who's been asked.

So what am I doing trying to lose weight!? I don't want to end up IP again which is where I've ended up 4 times now. I can't go through all that again and more importantly, I need to be there for my best friend's special day. It (should) only happen once and I'm going to ruin it!? I don't think so.

Problem is... I don't know how to get out of this cycle I've got myself into. I feel so selfish with what i'm doing right now but I feel like I can't stop. I really WANT to be able to stay healthy for September but I don't know if I can do it. Purging is a hard habit to break and now I feel I have to do it after every meal. I'm desperate to gain some control in my life at the moment. My Mum is drinking and there are arguments between her and her partner most nights. I don't know how else to cope. It brings back a lot of painful memories from my past. When my Mum is sober, which to be fair is most of the day. It's only at nights she drinks, she's very supportive and has always been there for me with understanding. Do I tell her what's been going on? So that maybe just for a little while she can 'supervise' my meal times with me and help me not purge afterwards by staying with me for an hour after meals? I really feel like this would help me but it's going to be so hard to ask for help. I've never been very good at admitting I need help. And part of me just REALLY wants to ignore everything and carry on losing weight. It's so hard. I feel so torn between doing the right thing and what my anorexia is telling me to do. It's so hard to go against it.

Any advice or support would be much appreciated.

[ntt14]

I hope I don't say anything wrong because I don't have any experience of anorexia but you do seem aware of how it can take over and don't want that to happen. You say that you want to stop and not let your friend down and enjoy such a special day. That sounds really strong and a good way of looking at it, so you just need some help with this. I know you said that there are problems at home, but you also said that your mum is very supportive. You really want to turn to her for help and I think she would really want you to. She can talk to you, help you, see if you need more help and stop you feeling so isolated. So it think you're right, talk to your mum and let her help you. I hope things feel better for you soon.

[wonderful]

that click is something i've heard of but never experienced, from what i have been told, that click can be the start of successful recovery!! I would tell your mum, let her know you need help, I would also plan your meals, that way you know exactly what you're going to eat and it shouldn't be as hard as it can be. I have dabbled with purging but don't anymore, was never much of a purger anyway, more restriction, BUT focusing on "safe" foods can help with not purging, something you feel is okay to keep down can be vital in stopping the purging cycle. Take it in small steps and ask for help. If you ever need any advice you can ask me, even if I'm not anywhere near being recovered I am in treatment for anorexia and doing far better than I was. Good Luck :)

[Roses]

I think the immediate thing is to get the purging sorted so perhaps eating a little less for a few days (to stop you feeling like you need to purge) would be a sensible thing. Then, when you've caught your breath slowly up the volume of food until you find the right balance that allows you to nourish your body and not feel the need to purge. Also, are you taking vitamin supplements or managing to have milky drinks or build-up drinks? Even if you had 2 build up drinks, a small meal and didn't purge that would be progress right? xxx

[x-Bliss-x]

I'm on vitamin supplements yes. Forceval capsules and calcichew but I haven't been having milky drinks or things like Ensure. I honestly think if I had something like Ensure I would be more likely to purge because it would be so easy. I also have it in my head that if I were to 'drink calories' somehow it will make me put on more weight than food would.

I've been trying to eat small amounts of 'safe food' but I'm even struggling with that now because to me, I haven't been losing the weight quick enough. It's a numbers game with me. I just have to see the numbers on the scale going down everyday.

I still haven't managed to pluck up the courage to speak to my Mum yet. I really feel like I should before this evening when she's had a bit to drink so I can have a sensible conversation about it. Because I know after today, she's going to try and talk to me and she's very likely to do that after she's had a drink. I haven't really eaten all day so I just know it's going to be tonight.