manja. Posted June 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 i'm also just starting with a psychologist. maybe it isn't the best time to have job changes. but then again, since my manager's leaving, there'll be some changes regardless, and might as well be me in charge as someone else i guess. just confused and want to give up tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 i don't want to be mentally ill anymore. i know that's stating the obvious, i know none of us do, but i need to say it. i have no one else to tell. might ring samaritans tonight first i'lll reply to the bit i've quoted I think thats an important statement to make, in some ways it might seem obvious but feelings around mental health are so complicated. Its different for everyone but for me in some ways i don't want to get better because i know the depressed Emma, the non depressed Emma will be someone totally new, i don't know if i want to be a different person. And as long as i'm depressed I don't have to do things that really scare me like going out to work and being with people, i have a good reason for not doing these normal things. so even tho I don't want to feel like this anymore, i don't know if i'm ready to stop feeling like this. But maybe you are. I hope samaritans help you if you decide to ring them but in reply to your second post, well done. I am so happy for you. you are obviously an amazingly strong and dedicated person even to think about working and here you are taking on more responsibility, its amazing and its inspiring, i hope to much it helps to bring you the happiness you deserve. I do get what you mean tho. so many people think recovery is a quick thing, that once it happens thats it, that if you feel good one day, you're better. just like any minor physical illness. It is good they are supportive tho, maybe you can work something out like maddie suggested. but everyone has bad days, i'm sure you'll still be allowed to have them. I think the reason they want you to do this job is because they know you have struggled and maybe still do struggle but that doesnt stop you from being brilliant at what you do. you've struggled through so much and you are still there fighting. That is the kind of person they want working for them. it is more value to them to have someone they see as a survivor than to bring someone else in where they dont know if they can deal with pressure or not. They know you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja. Posted June 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 thanks emma don't know what to say. so fecking emotional right now. the tough part is when i feel like its not just a bad day i want or need, but that i'm on the edge, close to another big breakdown, cos i feel like this one has yet to end. i just got good at pretending i'm getting through it, when the real life people really haven't a clue xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 thats ok, when you are feeling emotional there are often no words, just feelings. and how do you write feelings down? I think you are writing everything really well. if i don't understand its me, not you. I wish i knew the answer to that one. even if you know you can get through another big breakdown, and it is hard to know if you will coz maybe we can only take so much, that doesn't mean the breakdown won't happen and wont cause problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja. Posted June 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 i know hun... and i want the new job so badly but maybe i'm giving myself extra pressure, maybe the thought that i can't flip out again if i need to is maybe just making me worse... anyhow emma i hope you know you've been a saviour tonight :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 You are giving yourself extra pressure but thats only because you care. and your caring side is part of what makes you so good at your job. Its hard to find the balance tho, its good to care a lot but often putting yourself under pressure comes with that. But I'm sure its possible to find a balance. people like cpns must do it tho they must have special training in how to do it. really? Manja, thank you so much for saying that. I have got no idea what i've done but i'm really glad if i've helped you even a little bit and its realy kind of you to say so xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja. Posted June 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 honestly.... you're amazing... and i really mean that hun :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 You're the one who is amazing. you are hurting every day but you keep going. I can't imagine anyone ever liking me enough to give me a job, never mind doing it every day, doing it brilliantly. amazing. you make me wonder if i could do things like that too xxx thank you Manja xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja. Posted June 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 crying again now but OF COURSE YOU CAN.... i don't feel like i have a choice anyway unfortunately. i often wish i did, but maybe its better that i don't x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 aw don't cry hun, you'll set me off! we're like a couple of waterfalls. but waterfalls are beautiful. maybe it is better. The easy way out is only easy if its there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja. Posted June 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 yeah i guess that makes sense... and yeah you can do it hun xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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