I Just Dont Know.....

[PoopStick]

Before I start, I must say I dont know where this belongs as I dont know whats wrong, only that its affected me all my life, try to ignore the subject in this post as its merely the latest thing thats going on in my mind and concentrate whats going on in the back ground as I believe there are much deeper/different issues at play rather than the subject matter I talk about directly. These feelings are genuinely upsetting and leave me with no self esteem.

To give you a good picture of my current situation I have a fantastic, loving, tender relationship with a fantastic girl that has been my friend for a number of years before the actual relationship started. Again, before I get into this I am not a retroactively jealous person, I do not harbour any ill feelings towards her for any of her past partners (of which she has had many more than I have experienced, both with women and men) in fact, I enjoy that I am with 'a woman of the world' so to speak and I cannot tell you how cool this girl is in all aspects of life and how much of the same person we are.

All good you may think.... and it is but there is one thing that hounds me, back when we were just friends she told me of a threesome she had, I didn't think anything of it at the time but since we've been together its played on my mind more and more and the issue ISN'T the usual macho jealousy you hear all the time but something completely different which is why I believe the issue at hand is something much deeper than the situation itself so here is exactly how I feel :-

The idea of a threesome does nothing for me, I haven't ever had one, and cant ever see myself wanting one. However I just cant stop the pervasive feeling that I am 'less of a person' for not having had this experience (3some), and feel 'uncool' and quite weird for not wanting one (sounds trivial but read on for a better idea of whats up). I keep getting intrusive thoughts telling me I should have one to be able to 'say I have' despite myself knowing in my heart of hearts I don't ever, ever want one. These thoughts are quite distressing as its affecting my moods and its got to the point where its all I can think of. period. I cannot stress how this is not jealousy as I know how I feel and i do not feel badly towards my partner on her side of things. Heres where it gets really crazy, I feel other people (including my girlfriend) would mock me for not having done this and me not wanting to do one.

Like I said, this is just the latest in an endless list of things that I have felt like this.

I have experienced these same feelings about drug use as it seemed everyone else was doing it and the feeling 'less of a person' came into play here to... as a result I ended up using a number of different drugs on a number of occasions and regretting it because in my heart of hearts I never even wanted to in the first place and hated myself for not being true to myself. There are also a number of things in the past that are along the same lines of being terrified of not fitting in. If anything, drugs only worsened my feelings.

I know this is all my problem and NOTHING to do with my wonderful girlfriend which is why I'm asking for help.

These kind of thoughts are all I have ever thought about 24/7 throughout all my life and are tearing me apart, like once I get something in my head it never leaves for days.

I've done so many great things in my life but I've felt like I cant enjoy them because i have always felt so utterly inferior. Everything I think and every opinion I have I feel doesn't matter and must be stupid.

How do I stop these invasive thoughts that spoil my enjoyment of every day life? It is driving me insane.