Arguement With A Friend

[blackdagger82]

I have just had ahuge arguement with a friend of mine who is usually reallt supportive.

We met for a coffee before I headed to soo my Union about my dismissal from work, and he asked why I was in such a foul mood. I guess I was a bit snarky but I said that I wondered why when I have been sacked from my job without being given a reason, People are gossiping about me and him being more then just friends when we aren't (mainly his ex girlfriend) and my weight is going up.

he then went on to say that he could understand why the first two would put me in a mood but the weight is a good thing and I need to put on more weight to look healthy again and that I should not be angry with myself for putting on weight. Now I know that sounds resonable but when I explained that rationally I know I have to stabilise my weight it doesn't mean that I have to like it. 3 days of going up makes me feel vile, disgusting and fat. I have not eaten that much and what I have eaten has been healthy so why is it that my weight is going up???

He then told me to stop being so stupid and to finish the croissant I had in front of me because 54kg at my height (5ft8) is underweight and I need to get over the thought that I am ugly and fat as I am not and that if next time he comes to my flat he finds diet pills again then he will be taking me straight to the hospital to be admitted.

I know that he was trying to help and I was slightly snarky but this has now got me wondering if I am totally over reacting and being stupid. I really hate the way I look and constantly feel like i need to lose more weight if I am going to be attractive to people and the only way I can do that is control what I eat. Plus it is the only thing in my life at the moment that I have any control over.

I want to cry, scream, shout and beat the living crap out of him, but I am going to do none of these things, instead I have to be calm and collected whilst I talk to my Union. :grrr:

[piuma]

Hi BD

I can see your frustrations and how what he said might upset you. You know as you have already said he was trying to do his best by you, but maybe went about it all the wrong way. Can I ask, have you been diagnosed with any eating issues? Or all ready had treatment for it? The thoughts and feelings you describe are close to those of an eating disorder. May I suggest after your union call, you do something for yourself, something nice, and keep posting here, if it helps vent your anger

Pie

[Data]

I am sorry that your friend upset you. I have to say that many years ago I might have said the same insensitive things as your friend. It is only through things like spending time on this forum that I've gained a little understanding of ED. I think there is a lot of ignorance about there about eating disorders.

[blackdagger82]

Than you Guys

I have been diagnosed with Disorganised eating disorder and I am seeing a therapist about it and many other issues.

I have spoken to him since and he said he was sorry for upsetting me but he is worried and doens;t like seeing me look so ill. I told him that there was no need to be sorry and I know how frustrating I can be and that I do really appriciate him looking out for me and caring.

I didn't make it to the Union due to a protest in town (posted elsewhere on that fiasco) so now I am sitting at home with tea and fruit salad wathching Tron. My friend is going to come over later as I have downloaded the James Bond movies so we are going to have a marathon, see how many we can watch before we fall asleep.

Just been rather bad day and should have just stayed in bed I think.

:bigarmhug[1]:

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Hey BD,

Just a quick one, want to let you know that I sooo understand about the whole conflict going on with healthy eating, healthy weight gain, should feel good, positive, recognise that intellectually, but emotionally *screams*.

It's a nightmare, hun, but you've got our support here, don't you go forgetting that

Hope you enjoy your Bond marathon too

xxxxxxxx

(edit: as i didn't mean to shout "hey" in capitals at you... talk about attention-seeking.... )

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Crippie

I am watching Gremlins 2 at the moment. My friend is coming over in a bit and bringing my favourite pizza from the pizza place near his flat as an apology which I guess is a sweet gesture.

I am catching up on all the films I haven't seen in ages now I have a lot of time on my hands.

I brought a lot of fruit today hoping that because it is healthy I won't feel quilty eating it. I am absolutly loving white peaches at the moment.

[hummm_mabbe]

Oh dear That must all feel horrid and mixed. I would feel really angry, scared what my getting angry might have done, then cross again at him for being insensitive ... all like a whirpool of horrid emotions. I think as Data said, a lot of people simply dont have an understanding of the emotions that drive eating disorders and other MH issues, and all they see is their own frustration or their own fears for you. I've even had therapists get cross with me because I am not taking what to them seems the only 'logical' course of action

Its so thorny, and though I dont have an ED, I can relate to it from my own personality issues. There are certain actions I feel compelled to take, because not taking them makes me feel so awful. To an outsider they seem so self-defeating and obvious, but they dont understand that to not do it fills me with panic and all sorts of other emotions. I just want them to see that, understand it first and foremost.

What comes next is the tougher bit. Some part of me 'knows' I have to change, I guess more the intellectual bit than the emotional bit. You 'know' you need to gain weight to be healthy. But emotionally that means facing that sense of being vile, and the anger (possibly) at being MADE to have to feel that. No one likes being forced to do something, especially something that makes you feel horrid, so it makes sense to feel angry. It makes sense to resist.

The real thorny issue, and the core of it I think, is the sense of being vile, unlovable. I dont know for sure, but I often think that ED's are about an external expression of feeling unlovable, defective, broken - and having a sense of control over it. It makes the feeling of unworthiness more tolerable to know you have a control valve you can tweak, and after all the definition of stress is being placed in a situation that you feel is outside of your ability to cope. Give the person the capacity to cope, and they feel better. Being thin and getting thinner is like that temporary release from feeling so defective and worthless, and any movement in the other direction is like being forced back to that horrible place. So from that point of view, its not just about being a healthy weight and healthy eating - its about addressing that sense of unworthiness and vileness inside. I think that when that starts to change, the compulsion of the ED reduces. But it may first mean that you have to become more comfortable and open to the feeling of 'vileness' - that difficult nettle of acceptance that so often comes up in therapy.

[blackdagger82]

That makes a lot of sense Hmmm-mabbe

Being told my an ex that I was ugly and disgusting and the only way any would have sex with me is if I paid them and wore two paper bags over my head. At the time I was a lot bigger then now but that did always stay with me.

My Therapist is looking into it with me at the moment and it is really hard going, but I am determined to be well again.

[ntt14]

(((BD)))

He said all the wrong things in the wrong way, but I think it came from a good intention and because he cares. But it's not easy to see things that clearly when it challenges how you feel and what you are convinced is true. Easy to say that you shouldn't feel a certain way or that the things and people that have hurt shouldn't still control you, but you can only take it one step at a time and not expect yourself to get it right everytime.

You're allowed a snappy moment here or there and it sounds like he understood. If it makes you a bad person for having these snappy moments then I must be a total bitch!!!

[blackdagger82]

Cheers Ntt14

There is no way you are a bitch, although my nickname from the kids in my last school (not the one I was fired from) was the Bitch in Black but it was said with affection.

He apologuised again when he came over last nightm for both what he said and that his ex was gossiping about me and my friendship with him. I told him not to worry about the Ex, it upset me when i found out but to be honest I don't have the energy to worry about her and her tantrums at them moment. As for the eating conversation I told him I am trying but it is hard to battle the voice in your head constantly and sometimes I just have to let it win for a short while so I can have a rest.

He understood and just said that I have to make sure I eat something everyday, and not fast. Even if it is a couple of slices of toast or some fruit just something.He even joked that I could cook him dinner every night if that would help (i love to cook just not eat) LOL.

I hate feeling like this and knowing how frustrating it is for my friends to see me the way I am. I wear baggy clothes because I feel fat and they think its to hide how skinny I am. I eat when I go out with them but never finsih the meal and feel sick afterwards. I force down as much as I can and try to choose the healthiest thing on the menu hoping that I won't feel bad for eating it but it never works.

At the moment I think I am just so tired of fighting everything that I have given up for a bit. I can't fight everything all the time, be nice to have a break, feel normal for a while.

[ntt14]

That's it exactly BD, it does just get too tiring fighting everything all the time, trying trying trying!! Need to stop and just not think about anything for a while

xxxx

[blackdagger82]

Yup, which is why I made a lemon drizzle cake at 8am this morning. Stopped my brain for a bit, now just have to find someone willing to eat it. ^_^

[hummm_mabbe]

now just have to find someone willing to eat it.

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

**OMM NOMM NOMM NOMM NOMM**

[blackdagger82]

If only I could send it through the internet :)

[Elke]

Being told my an ex that I was ugly and disgusting and the only way any would have sex with me is if I paid them and wore two paper bags over my head. At the time I was a lot bigger then now but that did always stay with me.

Thats an outrageous things to say. I can imagine how terrible it must hurt to hear something like that. This man is an idiot. I´m a sensitive person, but I dont think the way your friend handled it by threatening to hospitalize you was very helpful either.

I received an email today from a group I joined called "Experience Project" and there was a story from a girl with an eating disorder. Yes, she too felt she wasnt attractive and got an eating disorder. She felt "unnoticed" but once she lost weight did, because she was the skinniest in her class.

I wish you would not believe what this idiot said to you.

Hugs, Elke

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Elke

Most of the time I can ignore the comments my ex made but every now and again they rear their ugly head and I can't get rid of them till they want to go.

I am getting there slowly, but I am determined to get better.

[MaddieT]

Its amazing how these things come back to haunt us, we are like elephants we never forget!

The reason why he's an ex is because he wasn't right for you - he is in the past and can't hurt you now - they are only words - we turn them into hurt and pain and emotion.

I think our loved ones the people who really care about us will say things that hurt but are behind a lot of love. I think that he meant well but just did it in the wrong way - its good that he apologised.

Be strong honey - you have been through so much and there are brighter days ahead for you sweetie - as me grandam would say "I feel it in my water"!!!

Maddie :D